Handing her the ice cream in a mini-baseball cap, I steal a spoonful. “Let me just test it first. Mmm, that’s good.”
“Mine, Jake!” She takes it from me and sets it on her lap, and I just know she’s going to drop something down the little team shirt I’d gifted her just days before.
“Say thank you.” I gave her a stern look, trying to channel Samantha. She made being a parent look easy … when in reality, today I was probably undoing all the good she’d done thus far.
“Thank you!” Her cute little voice and smile melt me as she blinks up, chocolate ice cream smeared across her mouth.
“I think that kid is even more charming than you.” Bryan leans over her, Lennon sitting between us, her little legs dangling off the seat.
“Oh I know she is.” I tune into the game, already in the second inning.
No one tells you that kids also become the first priority. I’d come thinking we’d catch the entire game, and I’d be able to see the boys deliver a bruising to the Orioles. Instead, it had taken us double the time to make it into the stadium, because Lennon wanted to take pictures with the mascot and look at all of the kid’s attractions that the park had set up for game day. Then she’d had to go to the bathroom, so instead of just unzipping and pissing in the urinal like I would normally, I had to take her into a stall with me and help her go. By the time we’d made it to our section, she wanted a snack. And pushover me, I gave in when she asked for all of them.
She was just too cute … like bachelor kryptonite. I couldn’t say no, honestly, I had no idea how the beautiful woman I was dating ever said no to her daughter.
A Nationals player steps up to the plate, getting into his batting stance and eyeing down the pitcher. The sun shines down on the field, the air warm but with a hint of that coolness of a changing season. There was something more magical about baseball in September, more on the line. The pitcher shakes off the catcher, deciding on the second call his partner makes, and straightens before he lets the ball loose. In a split-second, it’s over the plate, and the crack reverberates around the stadium as our batter swings hard and connects.
“YEAH!” Bryan stands, watching the ball soar over the field.
“Go, go, go!” I stand too, my body in a weird crouching position to make sure Lennon doesn’t need anything.
The entire stadium is biting their nails, except for the couple of Orioles fans sitting a couple rows back. The ball keeps going, our batter rounding the bases as he watches from the corner of his eye, making sure it goes over the wall. When it finally does, people erupt into clapping and shouting.
“Hell yeah! I mean … heck yeah!” Bryan covers his mouth, glancing quickly at Lennon.
I high five my best friend and then shake my little girl’s shoulders. “Home run, sweet pea!”
The Orioles fans behind us boo, and it must sound nice to Lennon, who has powered through the ice cream, because she imitates them. “BOOO!”
I sit down, laughing a little at her innocence. Her mother is so lucky I’m in her life now, to teach her the right sports teams to root for. How misguided they both have been.
“No, love … we want to cheer for that. That’s our team, and they scored a point! So say yay!” I raise my arms up in celebration.
She looks at me, curling her legs up into the seat and rocking so that the retractable chair almost swings up and swallows her. “Booo!”
“I guess we need to work on that.” I roll my eyes, facing back to the field below and hooking my arm around her seat.
“Your daughter is adorable.” An older couple in front of us turns back to smile at her.
I’m about to say she isn’t mine, but something in their voices makes me soften too. I’ve spent a few months with this little human, and she’s really grown on me. What I used to think would be impossible to handle, a situation way too big for my single ways, has become nothing but a fleeting thought. I never thought in the near future that I would be responsible for someone else’s life, or the caring of another person. But Lennon, and Samantha, have changed my entire view. I care so much about her that I understood what it meant now to want to take a bullet for another person … or wipe their butt after they pooped.
“Thanks!” Lennon leaned into my arm and smiled at them, her devilish little smile making me laugh.
“Thank you.” I smooth a hand over her hair.
Bryan looked at me, his expression a mix of a question and one that said, “I’m impressed.”
“Proud of you, buddy. Never thought I’d see the day.”
I hand Lennon her cotton candy. “Says the eternal bachelor with the emotional capacity of a carrot.”
“Well, we knew that about me. I just knew that you had more in you, if you opened up to it. They’re good for you, you know.”
“I know how lucky I am, trust me.” I looked down at the little girl, a lion-like fierceness grabbing my heart.
I didn’t just love her mom, I loved her too. It felt like a bottle being smashed on my heart, warm gooey liquid gushing out of the cracked center. For a long time, I’d been me, myself and I. And I’d always been fine with it. But now I wanted to make it official, I’d found people who I wanted in my life forever … and it felt cheap to only be a side character. An idea began brewing in my head.
“YAY!” Lennon cheers when the crowd does, and I watch as one of our batters gets a double and sprints to second base.
“Hey, you’re getting the hang of it.” I reach down for a high five.
Now we were getting somewhere.
Twenty-Six
Samantha
“When I grow up, I want to be a unicorn,” Lennon chirps happily in Jake’s arms, her chubby little hand touching his cheek.
It makes my heart squeeze, and then take off in double time. In just a matter of months, the two of them have bonded so spectacularly. And while I knew that we were taking things slow, and I didn’t want to have the “where are we going with this” discussion, Jake was insane if he thought he didn’t know how to handle kids.
“Well, you’ll need to work on growing your horn a little, but I think it’s a great dream.” He taps her forehead and she giggles.
Case in point, he was a natural.
“What if mommy wants you to be a doctor, or a lawyer? We got bills to pay here, squirt.” I ruffled her hair and moved over into Jake’s side.
His warmth as he wrapped his free arm around my shoulder was addicting. Looking up, I caught one beautiful green eye, and he winked.
The elevator doors slid open, and we walked out into the lobby of my building as a unit.
“That’s boring, Mommy! Maybe I be a farmer! I’ll have chickens, cows, pumpkins, peacocks …” My daughter trailed off, looking faraway and I knew she was imagining her future farm.
Jake leaned over to me. “I don’t know what kind of farm has peacocks, but I’m not going to dash the kid’s dreams.”
We both quietly laughed. We were halfway across the lobby when a scruffy voice caught my ear.
"Surprise!"
I turn, not expecting to see Derek, all six foot two tattooed feet of him, leaning against the check-in desk.
It had been months since I'd seen him, months since he'd seen his daughter, who was now resting comfortably in another man's arms.
I guess I was surprised when Lennon squirmed from Jake's arms and ran across the tile screaming, "Daddy!"
He scooped her up, giving her kisses all over her cheeks. Derek had never been cold with our daughter, but he was more fun uncle than father figure.
I saw his eyes meet Jake over the top of Lennon's head, his lips turning down in ... what? Disapproval? Annoyance? Jealousy?
“Hey, Sammy. Good to see you.” He walked over, our daughter still in his hands.
Inside, I’m weirdly relieved that I feel … nothing towards him. Part of me felt like putting an entire country between us would help lessen the feelings I thought I still had for him. But with Jake standing next to me, I realized that the
love I’d felt for Derek had been different. It was first time kind of love; special in its own way, but after it burned out, I didn’t feel any of the embers still sparking.
And it made all of the emotions that had been up in the air about Jake, firmly plant in my chest. Suddenly, I was sure that I was in love with him, in the mature, adult kind of way that didn’t need to involve flowers, hearts and candy, but was just a fact.
“Hi, Derek … I didn’t realize you were coming into town. Jake, this is Lennon’s father, Derek. Derek, this is Jake, my boyfriend.” I didn’t hesitate to say it, and didn’t flinch when Derek’s nostrils flared.
I tried to keep my composure, to not burst out right there in a fit of tiger mommy and scorned ex. He was the one who hadn’t wanted us, who hadn’t bothered to fight for neither me nor his daughter. And now he showed up here, months later after he’d cancelled every single visit he was supposed to have with Lennon, and put on this facade of a loving father and jealous former flame? Bitch, I didn’t think so, hold my earrings.
My inner-badass was really raring for a fight, apparently.
Jake stuck out his hand. “Hey, man, nice to meet you. I’ve heard some great things from this one about her dad.”
Lennon smiled and stuck her fingers in Derek’s ear. “Daddy, take me to the park!”
Her innocence had me smiling, because thank God, she wasn’t traumatized from his absence.
“What do you say, Sammy, can I take her for the day? Or better yet, want to join us?” Something suspicious marked his tone.
I looked at Jake, silently trying to convey my apology for our day being ruined. Pumpkins and hayrides would have to wait. “Do you mind? We can all go along to the park?”
Jake kept his arm around me, his easy, comforting nature not being thrown off by this surprise arrival. “Not at all, Lennon has been wanting to feed the ducks anyway. She’s only been talking about it all week.”
He winked at Lennon, who giggled and screamed, “Ducks!”
“Then off we go, I guess. One big happy family.” Derek’s tone did not match his smirk, and in the pit of my stomach, a nauseous foreboding sense took flight.
* * *
Dark curls streamed through the crisp autumn air as my little girl shrieked and ran, throwing bread crumbs behind her to the ducks that now followed her path.
“I missed her a lot.” Derek doesn’t take his dark blue eyes off of her, his hand fisted in his beard.
He looks leaner than he did when I last saw him the night before we left Seattle, and there is something more grounded about him. It both scares me and makes me proud, because I had only spent a good decade of my life trying to get him to see his worth and potential. I guess that had been my downfall though, trying to change the man. Every story of dating gone wrong, movies, books or even TV shows, had taught women that you couldn’t change a man who didn’t want to change himself. So I guess I had made the right move in leaving, since clearly it wasn’t me he had wanted to be different for.
“She misses you too … but, Derek, what are you doing here?” I tried to make my tone as non-aggressive as possible.
His scowl tells me I don’t quite pull it off. “Am I not allowed to see my daughter, Sammy?”
I hated that nickname now. “Of course you are, but … we had so many trips planned for you to see her and you called them all off. I guess … I just don’t know why now, unplanned. I don’t … you know I never have a problem with you seeing her, I want you to be in her life. I just feel like this is out of left field.”
“Why, because you’re hiding your boyfriend on the other side of the country, playing house with him and our daughter?” His words are acid.
I face him, trying to find anything familiar in his face from the man I know. “Come on, Derek, you know it’s not like that. You were completely fine with me moving her here, we broke up and there were no hard feelings. I don’t have to tell you who I’m dating, and you don’t have to do me that courtesy either. Not that I’m hiding it, I’ll answer any questions you have about Jake.”
Jake runs to Lennon, scooping her up and flying her around like an airplane. I watch Derek watch them, his eyes becoming more fiery by the second. I’d forgotten that about him, his short temper. It wasn’t often that I saw it, but when I did, I knew to steer clear.
“You don’t have to do me the courtesy? Actually, since he seems to be spending nights at your place with our daughter in the next bedroom, I believe you do owe me that. Or at least, we could see what the court says about it.”
The malice in his tone makes my heart drop, and even though we’re sitting in a calm, serene park, I know Derek has the match to make my world go up in flames.
“We agreed that we wouldn’t take this to court …” I try not to let my voice crack.
We hadn’t been married, weren’t even engaged at any point. We were just two people who had a child together, and we’d agreed when I moved back to the East Coast that we would work any custody arrangements out between us. The word court struck fear in my body, made me want to go grab my daughter and run as far away as possible.
“Maybe we need to revisit that agreement then.” His hands were fisted, the tattoos on them staring angrily at me.
My mouth goes dry as sweat simultaneously coats my back. Even in the cool fall air, I feel like I’m going to combust. Everything I’ve built here, all the time I’ve spent getting Lennon to re-adjust, the time I spent healing my own heart.
“Don’t do this, Derek. Don’t do this to her.” My tone is pleading.
He stands and walks to where she’s playing, not giving me a backward glance. Desperation and survival course through my veins as I watch the man of my past, and the one in my future, play with my daughter.
I try to breathe, and keep the tears inside as she runs to me, bringing me one of the last summer flowers she could find in the grass.
Twenty-Seven
Jake
“You’re pretty quiet, everything okay?”
I try to ease into the conversation, resting my hand on Samantha’s leg across the console. Maneuvering my truck with one hand, I steer us towards my apartment, a rare night spent at my place while Lennon has a sleepover with Derek at his hotel.
She doesn’t look at me, my gaze seeing nothing but long brown hair as my girl looks out the window of the truck at the dark night sky.
“Babe?” I shake her leg a little, needing for her to talk to me.
Her ex-boyfriend showing up today was a surprise, one that tilted our perfect little world off-kilter, leaving the status of what we were and who I was to Lennon up in the air.
“Sorry, I’m just … digesting.” Her smile doesn’t reach her eyes when she looks over at me in the dim light of the car.
The day had a tenseness about it, an undertone that I couldn’t joke away. Normally, I’d have laughed it off or played some goofy prank, anything to keep from getting too serious about everything. But with Derek dropping in, I knew this was serious. And I seriously didn’t like that guy. What kind of father didn’t see his child for close to six months, and then just waltzes in unexpectedly to claim glory and her love. I saw how hard Samantha worked to parent Lennon, to love her and provide for her.
My fist clenched on the wheel, a streak of anger I didn’t know I had in me overwhelming my system. If that guy would have taken one step out of bounds today, I would have clocked him in the nose.
I give her some space, letting her think during the rest of the ride, until we reach the door to my apartment. As soon as we walk inside, I wrap her in a hug, needing to feel her just as much as I want to comfort her.
“Don’t worry about it, babe. Give it some time. He may be serious in wanting to be a more active part of her life … which is a good thing. Or this may be a fluke, and he could be gone tomorrow.”
I bend down, letting my lips take hers, trying to smooth away the stress I know is vibrating through her.
She breaks off, walking across my apartment. “Don’
t worry about it? I can’t just not worry about it, Jake … this is my child we’re talking about.”
I hear the annoyance in her tone. “That’s not what I meant—“
“I get that you don’t have to bother yourself with such serious matters, but this could have some disastrous complications on my life.”
I can feel the wheels of anxiety start to turn in her head, and all I want is to wrap her up in my arms. But instead, I try to reason with her, and let the backhanded comment about me slide off my shoulders. “I know that, babe, but you can’t go into panic mode just yet. Let’s take a breath, calm down.”
She throws her hands up. “Calm down?! Did anyone ever tell you not to tell a woman to calm down? This is my daughter, Jake! He’s threatening to take her away from me, and you’re advice is to breathe! Like some horrible fortune cookie or something.”
“He threatened to take her?” The sentence blindsides me.
Samantha stomps across the apartment, her coat and purse still on. “Yes! He said that because I was gallivanting around with you, that he was going to go to the courts about custody.”
The accusation smacks me in the face, and guilt roils in my gut. So I put her in this position. “He can’t do that, can he?”
She faces me, the look on her face saying that I must be the dumbest son-of-a-bitch alive. “Of course he can. We never had a formal arrangement, had always said we’d work it out between us. But now … now he could make this a legal battle. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, putting her security in jeopardy like that.”
“Putting her security in jeopardy because of what … me? That’s bullshit and you know it, Samantha. I love that little girl.” Now my temper came out to play, reacting like gunpowder to a match as she lit me up.
Her eyes fill with rage, and I know we are only lashing out because of Derek showing up, but we can’t stop.
Melt Page 13
