She’d completely been there for me when things had ended with TJ, and now it was my turn to be there for her. I’d do anything for her.
SOMEWHERE CLOSE TO dawn I finally succumbed to sleep, and it was my blaring alarm that cut through the fog and woke me.
“Fuck,” I said. I’d forgotten, in my infinite wisdom, to turn off my regular alarm that I used to get up for work. I silenced it and rolled onto my back. That was when the smell coming from the kitchen hit me.
Then I heard the singing.
Curious what the hell was happening, I stumbled to my feet and pushed myself through the door and into the kitchen. What I found was not what I expected: Tessa, still in her pajamas, wearing one of my aprons, and singing into a spatula before flipping a pancake.
“What are you doing?” I asked, and she jumped.
“I am making us breakfast! I woke up with a ton of energy for some reason, so I thought I’d do this. Oh, wow, you look like shit.”
“Thanks.”
I sat down in one of the kitchen table chairs and watched as she set down a huge stack of blueberry pancakes, a plate of bacon, a bowl of scrambled eggs, and two glasses of ice-cold mango orange juice.
“Where’s the coffee?” I croaked. A nap was definitely in my future after last night.
“I made you a latte,” Tessa said, beaming and presenting me with a cup.
“Since when did you get fancy?” I asked.
“Since you got a milk frother and I went on the internet a few minutes ago to learn how to use it?” Honestly, that frother was one of my better purchases.
“This really nice, thank you.” Tessa sat down with a satisfied smile and a streak of flour on her cheek.
“You’re welcome,” she said, pushing some of my hair back so it didn’t fall in my food.
“Are you sure you’re doing okay?” I asked. There was just a tiny bit of a manic edge in her eyes. I’d seen her like this before, and the only solution was to let her wear herself out, and be there when she inevitably crashed and needed me to lean on. I was well-versed in the ways of Tessa.
“Yeah, I am. I also texted Gus, and he’s cool with you crashing our date. I mean, not a date, because we’re not dating anymore. That is going to take some getting used to. But he’d love to see you and tell you what’s been going on.” I might have protested at not wanting to interfere, but if he wanted me to be there, then that was fine.
“Who am I supposed to get to take me out to dinner now?” she said, pouting as she cut up her pancakes. I spooned some eggs onto my plate.
“I mean, how often did you and Gus go out to dinner?” I couldn’t remember the last time that was. They weren’t super “go out to dinner” kind of people.
“That’s not the point. We could have gone out to dinner.” She shoved half a pancake in her mouth in one bite.
“I could take you out to dinner. Obviously, it wouldn’t be a date. But if you want to go out, we can go out.” I had a lot of free time now too, so it might be good to shake things up a bit and do some new activities. I had a tendency to get into a rut easily and not step out of my box.
“Bestfriendidate,” she said, after she chewed and swallowed.
“I’m not calling it that,” I said, and it was just like the other ridiculous name she’d made up for our Savannah trip.
“If I took you on a bestfriendidate, and paid, would you admit I was right?” It took me a second to remember what she was even talking about. How did she even remember? I didn’t. All I knew was that I wasn’t, because it was more fun to annoy her.
“Nope,” I said, snatching the last piece of bacon before she could go for it.
“I will get you to admit it one day. Mark my words.” Tessa pointed her fork at me and narrowed her eyes. I just chomped on my bacon in satisfaction.
“OH,” I SAID, AFTER Gus filled me in on everything going on with him. “Oh wow.”
He grinned, and I realized this was the most relaxed I’d ever seen him. Even his shoulders were looser as he reclined on a blanket we’d laid out on the dock.
“Yeah, I’m still working on it,” he said.
“I know what that’s like,” I said. Our eyes met and he nodded.
“I know you do.”
Tessa was asleep, totally crashed out after her busy morning. She always took naps if she was in the sun for too long. She looked peaceful, all sprawled out everywhere. Limbs all over the place.
“I’m glad she’s okay. That was the worst part. Thinking that I’d hurt her. I would have gone through with it if she had still wanted to. But I think on some level that I knew she didn’t want it either, which is why I was able to talk to her. I don’t know if I did it the right way, but I did my best.”
I leaned my head on his shoulder. “You’re a good guy, Gus. The best. You know I’m here for you, always. I know I don’t have a brother, but having you is just as good.”
He kissed my temple and pulled me closer. “I’m so glad Tessa has you. And that I have you, and we’re all good.”
“Guess we get to be in the Pride parade next year, in some capacity.”
I turned on my side and looked at him. Gus closed his eyes and lay on his back.
“Huh, I guess so. I don’t even know what the lesbian flag looks like. Is there one?” I should probably know that.
“Oh, yeah. There’s lots of them.”
This being a lesbian thing was going to require some research. Fortunately, I loved research.
Tessa snorted in her sleep and woke up suddenly, all blinky and confused.
“Hello, sleepyhead. How’s it going?”
“Can we have food now?” she asked, her voice rough.
“Yeah, let’s eat.”
Gus got out the cooler we’d packed up earlier, since we all contributed. I made up some sandwiches while Tessa attacked a bag of chips and Gus opened sodas.
“I feel like we should be sadder about being broken up, Gus,” Tessa said.
“We don’t have to do what other people do, Tess,” he said. “We can do whatever we want. I mean, I can get really emotional if you want me to.” He screwed his face up like he was constipated, and I wasn’t sure what was going on.
“What...what are you doing, I’m scared,” Tessa said. “Stop it.”
Gus relaxed his face and laughed. “I was trying to conjure emotions. Or tears. I don’t know how actors do it.”
“There’s a method to it,” I said. “You have to create a deep well of emotion that you can access whenever you want.” They both stared at me. “What? I read a lot. I work in a library.”
“I know, but usually I’m the one who knows all the random shit,” Tessa said.
“I know a lot of things too,” I protested, handing her a sandwich that she bit right into.
“I didn’t say that you didn’t.”
I made another sandwich for Gus and then one for myself.
“Hey, are you mad at me?” Tessa said, touching my arm as I cut my sandwich in half. I’d removed the crusts on hers because she didn’t like them and tossed them in the lake for the fish to snack on.
“No, I’m not mad,” I said. “I’m just being cranky, I don’t know why.”
“I brought cake. That always helps with the crankies.”
“I’m not a child, Tessa. I’ll be fine. I’m just in a mood.” I’d been in a mood since she told me about her engagement ending and I couldn’t put my finger on why I was so bothered.
“Then cake will definitely help,” Tessa said, pulling a plastic box out of the cooler.
“First of all, those are whoopie pies. That is not cake.” Tessa narrowed her eyes and held the box to her chest.
“Firstly, they are made with cake batter, so I consider them cake. And second, now you’re not getting one.”
I set down my sandwich. “I didn’t say I didn’t want one.”
“Well, you insulted them, so no cake for you.” Tessa scooted away from me, glaring.
“Is this happening?” I said
, looking at Gus, but he was busy eating his sandwich and ignoring both of our antics. “Can you just give me the damn whoopie pie, Cin? Seriously.”
Tessa huffed, but handed me the box. “Only because you begged.”
“I didn’t beg,” I said, pulling one of the whoopie pies out of the box. The frosting was still soft. Perfect. I shoved nearly half of it in my mouth.
“Fine, fine. God, you’re in a mood today.”
I just glowered at her.
“I think I’m going to take a dip, anyone else?” Gus said, getting up and stripping his shirt off. People used to ask me if I was ever jealous of Tessa for having him, or if I’d ever had a crush on Gus. I always said no, which was the truth, but no one believed me.
It made sense now.
“I’m not in the mood,” I said, but Tessa got up and pulled off her shirt.
“I’ll join you.”
I looked away as she pulled down her shorts. Her suit was more of a short-sleeved rash guard with bottoms instead of a bikini, but it worked for her. Tessa needed a lot of cover because her skin was so sensitive to burning. If I didn’t pester her, she’d forget to reapply her sunscreen. I’d set a timer in my phone to go off when she needed another coat.
Tessa and Gus took turns diving off the dock and splashing each other as I finished the whoopie pie and then decided I needed another one. There were four, so there was still one left over for Gus and Tessa.
Feeling warm and full of sugar, I lay out on the blanket and closed my eyes, listening to Gus and Tessa play in the water. A motorboat buzzed nearby, and the wind rustled the leaves in the trees. Summer had always been my favorite season. Full of lazy days and sunshine and cold popsicles and fireworks.
I WOKE UP WHEN I FELT someone picking me up from the dock.
“Hey there,” Gus said, smiling at me. His hair was still wet and curling from his dip in the water.
“You can put me down,” I said, and he set my feet on the ground, but made sure to keep holding me up.
“I can’t believe I fell asleep,” I said, rubbing my head. “Did Tessa put on her sunscreen? What time is it?” The sun was definitely in a different place than when I’d closed my eyes.
“You worry too much. I’m an adult and I know how to put on sunscreen,” Tessa said, slinging her arm around me.
“Good,” I said. “I should probably go home. I’m not much fun today.”
“Hey, you’re under no obligation to be fun. Come back to the cabin. Gus is going to grill.”
There wasn’t a chance of saying no to that. Gus was an incredible cook, and I wasn’t going to miss out.
“Fine, fine,” I said, and we packed everything up and walked back to Gus’s cabin.
“You okay? Really? I’m sorry I’ve been kind of sassy today,” Tessa said, as Gus put the cooler on one shoulder to carry it.
“No, no. I don’t know what’s up. I’m just off, you know? Maybe I need to sleep more or something.”
“Or it could be everything that happened this summer still lurking around. Grief isn’t linear.” That was a good point, too. “And, you did just come to a massive realization about yourself.”
That was also true.
Gus put on a goofy apron that Tessa had gotten him for his last birthday and got to work putting chicken and veggies on the grill, while Tessa and I pretended to help.
The rest of the evening was slow and drowsy, with drinks, laugher, and too much good food. We all escaped from the porch when the mosquitos got too bad and went inside to watch a new movie that Gus was excited about. I didn’t pay attention.
My phone dinged with a notification that someone had messaged my social media. Curious, I pulled up the message.
“Oh my god.”
“What?” Tessa was instantly at my side, looking at my phone as I gasped.
“TJ’s having a baby. She’s having a baby. They posted the gender reveal today,” I said in a voice that didn’t seem like it belonged to me.
The phone shook in my hand and Tessa took it away from me.
“I’m not great at math, but if she’s that far along...” Tessa trailed off. We both knew what that meant.
“I’m so glad I have an IUD,” I said, trying not to cry.
“I’m so sorry, Monty,” Gus said, wrapping me into a big hug.
“It’s fine, it’s fine,” I said. “I mean, it’s not. But I’m not going to focus on it.”
“Fucking TJ,” Tessa said.
“Fucking TJ,” I agreed.
Sixteen
Tessa
“You know, for someone with a broken engagement, you seem to be taking it really well,” Ron said, as we worked on unpacking a new shipment of books the next week.
“Should I be crying more?” I asked. “I mean, I didn’t even cry. Is that a bad sign? I don’t have enough experience in this arena.”
Ron set his box cutter down and stretched his back with a groan. “Me neither. I’ve only ever been with Bill, and we only got married for the sweet tax benefits. You should feel however you feel.” He pulled a bandana out of his back pocket and blotted his forehead. “Let’s take a break. I’m afraid if I do much more, I’m going to throw my back out again.”
“You should definitely make Bill do this. Where is he, by the way?” He’d dipped out early in the afternoon and I hadn’t seen him since.
“He went to check out a few new potential suppliers so we can get some more gift items in stock. I wanted to go with him, but alas.” Ron pointed at the boxes and sighed.
We decided to abandon the boxes for the day and make Bill do them tomorrow.
“Hey, do you mind if I leave a tiny bit early? I want to check on Monty.” I hadn’t told Ron about TJ knocking up the girl he’d been cheating with, but he knew anyway because this was a small town in Maine and everyone knew everything about everyone.
“Please give her our best. I can’t imagine what she’s going through. I’m glad I don’t see him around much anymore. I know this is rude, but he has one of those smug faces.”
I laughed. “A punchable face, totally.” I grabbed some goodies from the café and walked over to the library and snuck in the back and found Monty chatting with Lindsey in her office about something.
“Knock, knock,” I said, when they were done. Monty looked up and her eyes were slightly less puffy than they were yesterday, so that was a good sign.
“I brought snacks,” I said, holding up the bag.
She rubbed her eyes and gave me a tired smile.
“Thanks.”
“Are you almost ready to go? I thought we could take a quick walk.” A local group had recently cleaned up a few of the nature trails so you had less of a chance of breaking your ankle on a stray root or running into teenagers boning in the bushes.
“Sounds great. Give me fifteen.”
I waited for her and shot the shit with Lindsey about books while Monty finished up what she’d been working on.
“Okay, I’m good,” she said, grabbing her bag and snatching the goodies from my hand.
I drove us both to the head of the trail and we parked near a number of other cars. More likely than not, we’d run into someone we knew, which was always a risk.
Monty had already devoured all the cookies I’d picked up, but she handed me a chocolate croissant as she rooted around in the bag for other treasures.
“Like, I know I’m a lesbian and all, and that it shouldn’t bother me, but it does,” she said. This newest TJ development was hitting her harder than she wanted to admit. I was trying to give her enough space to work through it.
“At least it wasn’t you. That girl is stuck with him, in some capacity, for the next eighteen years.”
Monty shuddered as she bit into a cherry turnover. “That’s a good point.”
The two of us strolled down the path, taking in the afternoon sun filtering through the trees and the subtle sounds of animals rooting around in the underbrush.
“I think I need a new apartment,” she sa
id. “I know mine is close to work, but I feel like I need a change. Something new. And maybe something bigger.”
“With a nice kitchen,” I added. The one in her current place was not conducive of all the cooking and baking she did.
“There’s that new place outside of town that they just finished.” So many people had bitched about how an apartment building would be an “eyesore” and destroy the natural beauty of the scenery.
“Yeah, maybe I’ll look into it. Or see what else is out there. Not much, I’m guessing. I wouldn’t want to move too far from work.”
“You’re not thinking of moving away, are you?” I couldn’t hide the panic in my voice. Monty moving even fifteen minutes away from me would probably destroy me. That might sound dramatic, but she was my best friend.
“No, no. Of course not.” She popped the last bite of turnover into her mouth and licked the excess cherry filling off her lips. “This is home for me. I don’t know if I’d be comfortable anywhere else.”
I knew exactly what she meant. This small, weird little place was where I belonged, and always would be home.
Not five minutes later we ran into our old school principal, then a nurse from the doctor’s office, then someone from the bank.
I could tell they were fishing for info about Monty’s breakup, and every single one of them knew about TJ, but they were pretending (badly) like they didn’t.
It was awkward, and I hurried Monty away as soon as I could.
“I’m sorry, this was my idea,” I said. “I didn’t know it would be so crowded.”
“It’s fine,” she said, and then pouted as she realized that the bag was empty. “We should probably head back anyway.”
She was right, so we went back to the car.
Monty closed her eyes and leaned back in the passenger seat. “What the hell am I doing with my life?”
“Is this going to be one of those conversations, because I’m going to need some coffee first.”
Who We Could Be Page 14
