by A. m Madden
“I’m not sure.” I respond honestly.
“I can’t have anyone know yet. I need to process this. Leila, our parents played with our lives. What would they have done if we met and fell in love? How can they do this to us?”
He’s panicking and I need to calm him down.
“Evan, no one needs to know. We have each other and we will get through this. I understand you are upset right now but your mom needs you.”
My words agitate him.
“Please, Evan …you are not a cruel person. Please just understand why she did it.” I have to help him understand why his mom did what she did.
He sits heavily on the couch. “I don’t know if I can Lei. I’m not who I thought I was. My whole life was a lie.”
He needs time.
“I’m being selfish. This affects you too.” He says looking sadly at me.
“We will get through it together.”
He looks so lost. Yes, this affects me too, but I need to keep it together for my friend, my brother. I love him.
***
I spent the night with Evan, making sure he ate and slept. He put up a good fight, but then finally allowed me to take care of him. I woke early and am sitting in his kitchen holding a cup of coffee. I can’t bring myself to drink it, I feel no nauseous.
Evan shuffles into the kitchen looking like he didn’t sleep at all. “Lei, you have to get to the studio. Please don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.” He comes over and kisses my head.
“You don’t look fine. You look like death warmed over.”
He grabs a mug from the cabinet. “Yeah, well, I can’t always be the stud muffin I was born to be.” His comment makes me feel slightly better. Evan will be fine.
“I do want to keep this from the guys for now. I’ll understand if you need to tell someone, though.”
“Evan, the only person I would want to tell already knows. This is no ones business.”
He comes over and pulls me into a hug that I energetically return. Of all the people on Earth I could be related to, I thank God above it is Evan.
“Hey, we were always brother and sister in our eyes. Now our bloodline proves it.”
“My kid sister got the brains and the looks.”
I hug him tighter. “Now get out. Go to work.”
“You’re so bossy. I don’t have to listen to you, you’re not my dad.”
Evan literally pushes me out of his apartment. I don’t put up a fight. I still have to get to my apartment, shower, dress, and drive to the studio. I’ll need to text Jack to let him know I’ll be late.
hey, so sorry… will be late... on my way.
He texts back immediately. no worries…r u ok?
yes…see you soon.
Truth is that I look like death warmed over myself. I didn’t sleep all that much last night. I have dark circles under my eyes and they’re still red and blood shot. I’m not even sure makeup would help me at this point.
As I am getting ready, my phone rings.
“Hello?”
“Leila, I love you. Please tell me you are ok.”
“Dad, I’m ok.” I feel awful; in the midst of all our angst and anger, I forget to understand how my dad must be feeling. He had a son he couldn’t acknowledge or wouldn’t at least. “Can I call you later?”
“Yes. Please call me as soon as you get home. We need to talk about this. Promise me.”
“I promise.”
“Should I call Evan?”
“No, dad. He needs time. Please let him be.”
The silence tells me how he feels about my advice. “Ok.” He hangs up at once.
I do my best to look normal and fifteen minutes later I am on my way to the studio. I still can’t bring myself to eat or drink anything. I feel sick to my stomach. I unfortunately have time to think during my drive and my thoughts get the better of me. I think what has me the most upset is the fact I’m leaving. I’m leaving Evan to deal with this alone.
When I finally arrive to the studio, I’m almost an hour late. The guys are discussing whether they should start the show with High Life or Committed.
“Hey guys.” I walk straight to the corner to put down my bag.
“Hey, is everything ok?” Jack asks.
With my back to him I nod, not wanting to look at him for fear I will lose it.
He comes up behind me and rubs my back. “Do you want to take a walk?” he asks quietly so no one can hear.
I shake my head and busy myself with searching for something in my bag. He isn’t buying it, and I am irked I can’t keep my emotions in check. As I take a deep, shaky breath he first catches a glimpse of my face and frowns. He grabs my hand and pulls me towards the door.
“We’ll be right back.” He says to the guys as he drags me out of the studio. They don’t seem to notice, except for Hunter. He looks up at me with concern.
I should insist I am ok, but I can’t even get the words out. I am completely choked up and am angry with myself. I feel like I’m betraying Evan.
Jack pulls me into the small conference room and closes and locks the door.
“Leila, what’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing to worry about. It’s just family stuff.” I try to sound convincing. He regards me for a few seconds and pulls me into a hug.
I can’t take it. I unleash sobs into his chest. He doesn’t speak. He just strokes my hair patiently letting me get it all out. What the hell is wrong with me? I must be PMS’ing.
When I finally calm down, I pull away and wipe my tears from my cheeks. Without a doubt I look a mess right now.
Jack pulls out two chairs and forces me to sit. He holds my hand waiting for me to speak.
“I found out something yesterday that was a shock. I really don’t feel comfortable talking about it yet. Please bear with me?”
He holds my face and wipes a tear away from my cheek with his thumb. Like a magnet to metal, I lean into his touch. I’ve missed it.
“Is your dad ok?”
I can hear the genuine concern in his eyes and nod but I don’t respond otherwise.
“I understand. I’m here if you need anything, ok?”
I simply bob my head and try a smile. He returns the gesture and pulls me back into his embrace and I don’t fight him.
Chapter 18- Jack
Two monumental things have happened over the last few weeks.
First and foremost, it turns out I can’t move on. I live for the moment I get to see Lela in the studio. I relish every moment we’re together. I go home, lock myself in my room, and live for the moment I get to see her again.
So that brings me to the second thing. I’m miserable.
Except for when I’m with her, I’ve been in a perpetual mad mood. In my mind, I try to hash a way I can be with her and fuck the consequences. Since my birthday party, I’ve been on the verge of an emotional meltdown too many times to count. I’ve turned into a romantic sap. Basically, I’ve turned into Hunter. Hunter came right out and asked me what my problem was. I made up a lame excuse, which I know he doesn’t buy.
He also noticed Leila’s been emotional lately and insinuated that it was my fault. I couldn’t even get angry with him. I simply told him that she has some family stuff she’s dealing with and he didn’t ask questions. I am worried about her. I feel like reaching out to Evan to make sure she is ok. I’m not convinced that she feels comfortable to talk to me about anything that is bothering her. For that I have no one to blame except for myself. I’m the ass that kissed her, twice.
Today is our July 4th barbeque. Honestly, I wish I could ditch the guys and just spend the day with Leila. I would love to take her out of the city, and drive to a quiet beach alone. Since bonding with her in her apartment, I now see us together doing couple things and not just having sex. My thoughts about Leila started with hot, mind-blowing sex yet have most definitely progressed. It’s really freaking me out even more than the sex dreams did. Sex I understand. Relationships I don’t.
; I haven’t shared this with anyone. So it eats away at my confidence, and my ability to act like Jack Lair is supposed to act. Hunter has taken over my roof, and has been hanging out with Amanda a lot lately. She has a roommate, so he prefers that she come to our place. From the looks of Hunter’s face, they have finally turned a corner. I should be happy for him, but it pisses me off. He gets to be with someone he cares for openly, and I don’t. Every time I see them together in the apartment, I want to hit something.
Amanda spent the night again last night and I’m standing in my usual spot in the kitchen, consuming my third cup of coffee. They both emerge from his room and Amanda blushes the instant she sees me.
“Hey Jack, you’re up early.” Hunter comments while dragging her into the kitchen. She looks like she wants to run out the door.
“Hi, Jack.”
“Hey, Amanda.” I plaster on a saccharin smile. “You kids have fun last night?”
Amanda looks down and blushes even deeper, and Hunter turns to pull her into a hug. “We did. Lots of F.U.N.”
“Hunt.”
“What?” He kisses her cheek. Ugh, they are making me sick.
I tell them as much, “Ok then, you two lovebirds are sickening.” I turn and make my way into my room. “Bye, Amanda.”
As I shut my door, I hear Hunter saying to her, “Don’t be mad.”
Robotically, I work out, shower, dress and wait in my room. I feel like a prisoner, until I hear the apartment door close. I’m guessing Amanda took off and I can finally emerge again without feeling like a third wheel.
Hunter is busy in the kitchen pulling crap out for our barbeque. He looks up and without beating around the bush he asks, “What the hell is going on with you lately?” My gut instinct is to tell him to fuck off.
“Nothing, why?” I try to act indifferently. I don’t really want to tell him the truth, but this charade I have going is exhausting.
“You’re full of shit and you know it. You haven’t had a chick here in weeks. You haven’t been with Trini. What the fuck is going on?”
He looks completely pissed off. Why does he car so much about my social life?
“Why does it matter to you if I haven’t picked up a chick?”
“Because it can affect the band.” He thunders arrogantly.
“Why do my fucking habits affect my band?”
“It’s happened already. You haven’t written a song in weeks. You are completely impassive during rehearsals. The old Jack would argue for hours over d sharp versus f sharp. The old Jack wouldn’t let us stop to take a piss. So I’ll ask you again, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Jack, cut the shit. Just tell me what’s going on.”
We stare each other down until I crack. “I’m fucked up.”
“What do you mean you’re fucked up? Are you on something?”
“Jesus, Hunter…no, I’m not on something.” Walking towards the couch, I sit heavily while pondering how much I should admit to Hunter. He watches and waits for me to speak. After waiting several minutes, his patience wears thin.
“Damn it Jack…what the fuck is going on?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose while squeezing my eyes shut and murmur very quietly. “I think I fell in love.”
Hunter starts laughing his ass off. He just loses it, cracking himself up. It takes every fiber of my being to not pummel him through a wall.
“Fuck you.” I stalk towards the apartment door. I’m going to kill him if I don’t get away from him.
“Wait, you’re shitting me right?” He says trying to get me to stop. Ignoring him, I slam the door behind me.
I’m on the roof all of three minutes when he shows up. “Leave me the fuck alone.” I say, wanting nothing to do with him. I really don’t want to be here at all. Maybe I’ll borrow Scott’s van and take off for a day or two. I need to get away from everyone and everything.
He pulls up a chair and sits facing me. “You aren’t kidding?”
I feel my blood boiling over, and instinctually clench my fists. “No…I’m not fucking kidding.” I say with my jaw clenched so tightly, I feel like I can crack a tooth.
Hunter watches my body language and smirks, “You gonna hit me?”
“Shut up.”
He sits back and scratches the back of his head. “Hey man, I’m sorry. I really thought you were fucking with me.” He tries to sound contrite, but the smirk on his face is giving him away.
“Yeah, well I wish I were.”
“Shit. How did this happen?”
“I have no idea. I can’t stop thinking about her. Hell, is this even love? How the fuck should I know?”
“When did this happen?”
“I don’t know, the last few weeks? I think I realized it the night of my party.”
He looks confused and is trying to process in his head who I was with that night. “Trini?” he asks with disbelief.
“No.”
“Do I know her?”
“Yeah, you do.”
“Who?”
I can’t say it.
After a few minutes, he barks, “WHO!?”
“Leila.” My heart is pounding from admitting it out loud.
He looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. Then realizes it and reins it in. As he leans forward with his elbows on his knees, he stares at the ground.
“Leila?”
I nod my head and mimic his posture. We sit like this for the longest time, until Hunter finally speaks. “Did you two hook up?”
“No. I kissed her, twice. That’s it.”
“And you fell in love?” He sounds incredulous.
“I know, it doesn’t make sense.”
“Damn man, I don’t know what to say.”
“Yeah, thanks.” Sitting back against the couch, I suddenly feel exhausted. “I really would appreciate it if you kept this to yourself.”
“I’m not telling anyone. How is this going to work Jack?” he asks calling me out on all the issues I have been dealing with myself.
I want to say, “I’m going to tell her.”
Instead, I say, “I’ve been ignoring it.”
Hunter lets out a single belly laugh.
Great.
“Come on Jack, ignore it? Because that’s worked out so well for you so far.”
Sighing my concession, he continues. “There is no way you can continue being celibate. How long has it been since you fucked someone?”
No, there is definitely no way I can continue being celibate.
“Rachel.” Yep, that wacko was my last fuck. So fitting.
“You haven’t even been with Trini since then?”
“Nope.”
“Damn. Are you sure it hasn’t shriveled up and fell off?”
“Screw you.”
Chapter 19 – Leila
I promised Jack that I would be at the barbeque today. I’ve made excuses the last few times the band went out after rehearsals and he called me out on it. He said he would drive to Hoboken to come get me if necessary. I just haven’t been in the right frame of mind to play the “we are friends” act outside the safety of the studio.
Plus, I’ve been worried about Evan. I would cancel any plans in a heartbeat if Evan needed me. The problem is he doesn’t. It’s an excuse I conjured up in my head. He and the boys are down the shore at their first band competition. Lori and Alisa are with them and Nina has resumed my place. My former life has gone on without me. It’s a good thing, they need to move on, and so do I. But it still stings not being part of my old entourage any longer. This is a huge milestone for them, and I wish I could be there just to witness it. However, I’m no longer a member of Cliffhangers, and they don’t need me tagging along.
Since there has been no dire emergency requiring my presence, I will be spending the day with Devil’s Lair. Today I will have to deal with Jack and my feelings for him without the distraction of work. It had to happen sometime, with the tour weeks away an
d the fact I will very soon be living on a bus with him twenty-four-seven. I guess there’s no time better than Independence Day. It’s pretty symbolic of my life right now.
I baked a bunch of my brownies and bought a case of beer. It’s really hot outside and after spending way too much time on what I should wear I decide on shorts and a tank top. I don’t want to look like I tried too hard, but I don’t want to look like a slob either. Truth be told I did spend a little extra time on my hair and make-up.
I’m on my way and thinking to myself, “well, here goes nothing”.
Schlepping the four flights of stairs with all my crap has me sweating my ass off already, and wilting my hair-do. These guys better have their air conditioning cranked up.
Hunter opens the door, smiling from ear to ear. “Hey Leila, missed you.” He says pulling me in to the cool apartment…thank God.
“I saw you yesterday. You are so much like my Evan.” I grin until I realize what I said. Hunter doesn’t seem to notice, and grabs the beer and brownies out of my arms.
“Wait. Are these your homemade brownies?”
“Yes, why?”
“Oh my God. I had one bite of the left over’s you sent home with Jack. First of all, I love you. Second of all, he almost beat the crap out of me for taking just one bite and it’s left me craving them since.”
“Well it’s a good thing I made a double batch. I won’t tell him if you want to hide some.”
Hunter takes the platter of brownies into the kitchen, wraps a bunch of them in foil, and runs to his room, leaving me in hysterics.
Trey is on the couch watching TV. There is no sign of Scott or Jack. “Hey, Trey.” I say walking past him.
“Hey.” He simply says. He is a man of few words. I don’t buy a thing Lori tells me about her and Trey talking for hours and hours. She must be delusional.
Hunter comes out of his room grinning like he has a mad secret. He leans in and whispers, “I owe you one.”
“You owe me fifty bucks or I squeal like a pig.” Trey quips, never taking his eyes off the TV.
“Worth every penny.”
Giggling, I follow Hunter into the kitchen and ask, “Where are Jack and Scott?”
