by Magan Vernon
He plopped down on the couch. “Neither do I, Red. I don’t do relationships. I haven’t dated a girl since junior year of high school. Ever since then it’s just been random flings.”
“And is that what we are? A random fling? Or are we friends? Maybe I’m just part of your valiant knight fantasy and you want to save me? Please explain it to me, because I have no idea what the hell is going on.”
He looked up at me, his gaze meeting mine and I had to keep from getting weak in the knees. His smoldering stare got me every time. “What do you want us to be?”
I let out a deep breath and sat down next to him. “I don’t know, either. I don’t think with everything that’s going on I should be getting into something serious. I wasn’t expecting to get a call about cancer the night that I went to your place. I wasn’t expecting us to become friends or make out buddies or whatever this is. But it sort of just happened.”
“I didn’t expect any of this either. Somehow I knew that if I started something with you, there was no way I could stop. Not just because you’re my little brother’s girlfriend’s best friend.” He put his hand on mine and I let him keep it there.
I sighed. “So what are we, then? I’m not ready for anything serious right now with everything else that’s going on.” It was the truth. I couldn’t handle dating anyone when I always felt like my body was broken. The last serious boyfriend I had cheated on me and got me into this cancer mess. I didn’t want to head down the same path again with John. How could I trust that it wouldn’t happen with someone like him?
“Friends? At least for now?” He looked at me with pleading in his eyes.
“Friends.” I nodded. “That sounds good.”
He laced our fingers together. “You have no idea how happy this makes me that you just didn’t kick me out on my ass.”
I laughed. “I actually don’t think I could kick you out. You kind of have the body of an MMA fighter, so I’m sure you could take me.”
“I prefer professional wrestler.”
I rolled my eyes. “Okay, professional wrestler.”
He stood, letting go of my hand. “So does this mean that this professional wrestler should still be here Wednesday to take you to the doctor?”
“No, Monica’s taking me.” I stood up next to him.
“Monica? You finally told her?”
“Yeah. It was about time.”
A small smile crossed his lips. “That explains why Trey was so persistent on me talking to you. Not that I wouldn’t have anyway, but the dude can convince me to do anything that I’m on the fence about. He’s seriously a politician-in-training.”
“Yeah, he’s pretty convincing.” My shoulders fell. So this wasn’t all John’s doing. He had other influences.
John lifted my chin, forcing our eyes to meet. “Trey may have talked me into it, but I would have found a way to get you back. I sent those messages on my own. He was just the one that told me I should come here. He said face-to-face is better than any technology. And seeing your face does make it all worthwhile.”
I swallowed. Why did he have to say things like that? How was I supposed to just be friends with a guy that made me forget about cancer and feel whole again?
I stepped back. “Well, I’m glad we talked, but I really need to get ready for work.”
He dropped his hands and shoved them in his pockets, looking defeated. “Okay. I guess I’ll see you around then?”
“Yep. See you around.”
Chapter 12
I couldn’t concentrate on anything but the doctor’s appointment. The week moved in slow motion. I spent every minute that I wasn’t in class or working Googling cervical cancer treatments. I wondered what the doctor would have me do. I never really thought too much about my future with marriage and kids, but seeing that one of the treatments was a full removal of my uterus, cervix, and ovaries started to make me really think about it.
“Are you nervous?” Monica looked at me out of the corner of her eye as we pulled out of the parking garage of her apartment building.
“I think nervous is an understatement.” I let out a tense laugh.
“You’re braver than I could ever be.” She put her hand on mine. “I’m glad you finally were able to share this with me. That you’re letting me be here for you during this, just like you were there for me when I needed it the most.”
Monica was raped at her last college and that was why she transferred. Trey was the one who finally got her to report the guy, but I was the one who encouraged her to go back to counseling. She’d been going to group counseling for the past month and I think that, combined with meeting Trey, helped her to finally move on. I’d always be there for her and I shouldn’t have doubted that she would be there when I needed her the most.
“Thanks, Mon. It means a lot to me.” I squeezed her hand.
“You know John Boy talked to Trey. He said that he really wanted to be here with you today.”
I tilted my head. “Well, that’s fine for him to say that, but he doesn’t need to keep feeling sorry for me. I gave him his out. He should just take it and run.”
Monica sighed. “I think he does actually like you, Mel.”
“Then why the hell would he get a lap dance from another girl? Why didn’t he tell me that he wanted to be more than friends when he came to my apartment?” I spat each word like it was venom, harsher than I intended. I guess I had been keeping my thoughts bottled up for so long that they came out pretty badly.
Monica winced before she responded. “I don’t know. I don’t understand how boys think. If I knew that I’d be a millionaire. I just know that he wouldn’t just take any girl to a doctor’s appointment and you’re the first girl that Trey has seen John Boy actually have a friendship with. Not just bang.”
I huffed. “Yeah. Friendship. Because who would want the cancer girl.”
“Will you cut that shit out?”
I looked at Monica full-on. Her jaw was clenched and she gripped the steering wheel. I wasn’t expecting her to lose her cool, but she got my attention.
“You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Thinking that this makes you somehow less of a person. You’re still the same girl you always were. It’s not like your appearance suddenly changed and you look like a witch or a leper or something.”
“But what if I have changed? What if the cancer is so bad that I have to have chemotherapy? I’ll wear scarves on my head and need you to wheel me to class because I’ll be too tired to walk myself. And who the hell would want to have sex with the cancer girl? I’ll be alone forever.”
“Mel! Seriously, we haven’t even talked to the doctor yet. You don’t know what she’s going to say. You can’t keep getting down on yourself. If you do need chemo then that’s what you’ll have to do. If I have to wheel you to every class and buy you head scarves, I’ll do it. That’s what best friends do. But I’m not going to sit here and let you feel sorry for yourself. You are going to survive this.”
I blinked back the tears in my eyes. “But what if I don’t?”
Monica pulled into the hospital parking garage and took the first spot she could, putting the car in park before looked at me. A serious glint in her eyes. “Is that what this is? You don’t think you’re going to make it?”
A single tear streamed down my cheek. “It’s scary. Frightening really. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know what the doctor’s going to say and I don’t know what my future is going to hold. If I even have a future for myself or anyone else.”
Monica took both of my hands in hers. “Listen, I can’t say what the doctor is going to tell you. I can’t say if you’ll need chemo or if John Boy will call you again. But I do know this. No matter what happens. I’ll be here for you.”
“Thanks, Mon. I’m glad I have you around.”
“And you always will. Because there’s no way in hell I’m going anywhere.”
* * *
Monica took a seat in the waiting area while I check
ed in. I sat next to her, waiting for my turn, trying not to stare at the pregnant teen making out with her tattooed boyfriend.
“This is a nice place. It doesn’t have that doctor’s office feel,” Monica said.
“Yeah. I guess lady part doctors don’t want you to feel like you’re in a real doctor’s office.”
We sat in silence after that. Well, silence besides the TV showing some sort of soap opera and the slurping of the teen pregnancy couple as they made out next to us.
“Melanie?” A bright-faced nurse opened the door. Finally!
I jumped out of my seat and Monica followed. “I’m coming with you.”
I raised an eyebrow at her. “You don’t have to do that.”
“No, but I’m here to support you and I’m also tired of listening to Teen Mom makeoutage.”
I nodded. “Okay, then.”
We followed the nurse through the door and to one of the open rooms. This one was painted green with the words “Keep calm and carry on” written on the wall that faced us. But of course it was a gynecologist’s office, so the opposite wall had shelves full of pamphlets about menopause and a poster of the different stages of pregnancy.
The nurse sat on a wheeled stool in front of the brochures, I sat on the exam table, and Monica took the chair in the corner.
“You’re here for a follow up from your colposcopy last week?” The nurse didn’t even look up from her folder as she spoke.
“Yeah. I think that’s what Dr. Rodriguez said.”
The nurse barely made eye contact with me. “Have you had any weird symptoms since? Any irregular bleeding? Burning with urination?”
The heat rose in my cheeks. I was really glad that John didn’t take me this time or insist on sitting in the room. But even with Monica there it was still an embarrassing topic. “Um, I had a little bit of pain after the procedure and some bleeding, but that’s gone away.”
The nurse nodded, taking notes on a Post-it on top of the folder. “That’s all normal, but I will let the doctor know. Is there anything else that you have questions about or any other symptoms to report?”
I shook my head. “No. I just want to know what the results are and what happens next.”
The nurse gave me a small smile, setting her pen down, and standing. “I’m sure Dr. Rodriguez will have all of that for you. I’ll let her know that you’re ready.” With that she walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.
“I’m glad that wasn’t too weird and she didn’t have to examine you or something. Because if that does happen, I’m running out of here. I don’t need to see your hoo haa,” Monica said.
I turned toward her and couldn’t help but laugh. “Don’t worry. I don’t want you to see my hoo haa either.”
“Was John Boy in here last time? Did he actually watch the procedure?” Her eyes widened.
I waved my hands in front of me. “Oh God no! He waited in the waiting room.”
Monica pretended to wipe some sweat off of her forehead. “Whoo, good! That would have been really awkward.”
“Yeah, like it wasn’t awkward enough that we were in the middle of hooking up when I got the call from Student Health Services.”
“Touché.”
That put an end to our conversation. I didn’t really feel like talking about John or my hoo haa and I think Monica must have read that on my face because she quickly picked up a magazine from the table next to her. Luckily, we didn’t have to wait long before Dr. Rodriguez knocked on the door.
“Come in,” I said, but she was basically walking in at the same time that I said it.
“Hello, Melanie, how are you feeling?” she asked in her heavy accent and took a seat on the stool that the nurse was just previously occupying.
“Anxious. Nervous. All of those feelings.”
She nodded. “Understandable.” She looked at Monica in the corner. “And is this your sister or your partner?”
I had to hold back a laugh. “Neither. This is my friend, Monica.”
Monica put down her magazine and waved.
The doctor smiled at me. “It’s good to see that you have people to support you.”
“Yeah.” I didn’t want to small talk. I just wanted to know what was going on. My knees were shaking and I had to constantly wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans.
Dr. Rodriguez opened her folder and scanned through it. “We do have the results of your biopsy.” She closed the folder and looked straight at me, her eyes serious. “We did confirm that you have moderate dysplasia and it’s cancerous, stage 1A1.”
“Is that bad?” My voice squeaked.
“It’s the very beginning stages, so we caught it early. But since it is moderate, we do need to take care of these cells.” She folded her hands on her lap and crossed her ankles. “The least invasive would be for us to use laser therapy, which is an outpatient procedure in which we laser out the cancerous cells and they will be completely destroyed.”
I nodded, unsure of what to say.
“The next is called Diathermy. This is another laser treatment, but we would remove the tissue instead of destroying it so that we can examine it further. It’s another outpatient surgery and you would have some bleeding or discharge for a few weeks after.”
“Okay.” I should have been taking notes or doing something, but instead I just stared at the doctor.
“The next set of options would be chemotherapy or full hysterectomy. Since you’re so young and it’s the early stages, I wouldn’t recommend those since you may still want to have children in the future.”
“Then what would you recommend?” I asked.
She let out a deep breath. “After looking at all your information, I think the best action would be Diathermy. We can set up your appointment when it’s most convenient for you. You will only feel a little bit of pain and would be able to go back to school within a week.”
I nodded and looked back at Monica. “Mon, what do you think?”
“It’s not my body, but I would go with whatever the doctor thinks.”
I couldn’t think straight. There was so much information to take in, so I just turned back to the doctor and said the first thing I could think of. “Okay. Let’s set up the Dia thing.”
The doctor smiled and patted my knee. “I’ll be right back. I’m just going to call the surgical department and get you set up. Do you have a preference of when?”
“Well, Fall break is the week after next, so I’ll have off.”
“Okay. I’ll see if we can get you in for the week of Thanksgiving.”
She stood and walked out of the door, shutting it behind her.
“Whoa. Surgery. Lasers,” Monica said. “Are you okay with all of this?”
I shrugged, glancing back at her. “It’s better than needing you to wheel me around campus while I wear a head scarf.”
It was only a few minutes later when Dr. Rodriguez came back in, holding a few sheets of paper. “We have you all set up for Monday the 20th at eight am.” She handed me the papers. “Your directions on what you’ll need to do beforehand are on this sheet. I’ll need you to go into the emergency room entrance an hour before to check in.” She waited to speak again until I met her eyes. “Do you have any other questions?”
I had a million questions. Like what would happen afterward? Was there a chance I would still need more treatment? But instead all I did was shake my head. It was too much to process and my head was swimming. “Nope. I’m good.”
* * *
I walked with Monica back out into the waiting room and texted my mom to call me after work and gave her a quick gist of an outpatient surgery on the 20th. She texted back that she would call as soon as she could. I knew she couldn’t talk while at work, but I didn’t want to make her wait.
And once we stepped out of the office there was someone else waiting for me in the tunnel to the parking garage. John stood there. His hands were in his pockets as he paced back and forth between the walls.
“John Boy?
” Monica asked.
“Monica. Melanie. Hey. I was just...” He stopped pacing and walked over to us, letting out a big sigh. “Okay. I can’t come up with a better excuse. I came because I wanted to see how the appointment went and if everything was okay.”
Monica side stepped me and inched her way behind John. “I think that’s my cue to leave. I’ll be waiting for you in the car, Mel.” With that she turned on her heels and walked toward the parking garage.
John cupped my face, forcing my eyes back in his direction. “Is everything okay?”
“I thought you had some fraternity stuff to do today?” I raised an eyebrow, trying to ignore how warm his hand was on my cheek.
He took another step closer. “I do, but this was more important.”
I swallowed hard. “Um, well it’s only stage 1A1 cancer, so I guess that’s a good thing and I’m having surgery the Monday of Thanksgiving break to have it removed.”
His eyes widened. “Is that like a chemotherapy type thing? What kind of surgery?”
“No. It’s just some sort of laser that removes the cancer. The doctor said I should be fine in a few weeks.”
“What time on Monday?”
“Eight, why?”
The lopsided grin that I loved so much made an appearance on his lips. “Because I need to know what time to be there.”
“John, you don’t have to—”
He put his fingers to my lips, stopping me mid sentence. “I know I don’t have to do anything. This is something that I want to do, Red. And you can’t stop me. You can think whatever you want to think about me. About us. But know this. I do care about you. More than I probably would usually admit. And whether we’re just friends or we’ll eventually be something more, doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I’m going to be here for you.”
And at that moment I almost forgot about the girl and the lap dance. I could almost forget about the cancerous cells that were hanging out in my cervix and past cheating boyfriends. Because I knew that I had friends that were there for me. Whether romantically or otherwise, they were there.
