by Magan Vernon
I rolled my eyes. “Fine.”
“Besides, John stayed around on Christmas break for you. The least you can do is show a little skin and get him out on the dance floor.”
“He didn’t stay around just for me. He said he had some fraternity stuff to take care of.” Even as the words left my mouth, I knew they were a lie. I didn’t remember the last time he actually stayed at the house. He was like my new roommate who slept in my bed. Maybe a night out before break could change that.
* * *
Valerie thumbed through some ties at one of the department stores. “What the hell do you even get for a dad you barely ever see?”
Valerie hadn’t done any Christmas shopping and her list was a mile long. I just got everyone Starbucks gift cards and called it a day. But Valerie thought it was too impersonal. Ever since we were little girls she loved going shopping and would spend hours looking for the “perfect gift” for everyone.
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “Coffee?”
“Probably what he does need. Maybe I’ll get everyone something to go with your plethora of gift cards. I seriously can’t believe you got John the same thing as our mom. That’s just so weird.”
“Why? He likes coffee. Everyone likes coffee and if they don’t, they’re missing out.”
Valerie scoffed and then walked out of the men’s section. I followed her toward the purses. “It’s so impersonal, especially for your boyfriend. Don’t you want to get him something special?”
“Like what?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Something that isn’t a gift card. Something that he would actually appreciate. Something that shows just how much you care about him.”
I rolled my eyes. “Seriously, Val, we haven’t been dating that long and he’s a guy. He doesn’t expect all of that.”
“I don’t think you give him enough credit.”
I let out a single laugh. “So now you’re going to tell me that you know John better than I do?”
“I’m just saying that I’ve seen the way he is with you. I watched him carry you up the stairs after your surgery. The guy has a serious heart.”
All of that was true, but there was still something that was holding me back. I had my guard up around him. Our relationship started out with me wanting to do nothing but jump his bones and now (while I still thought often about it) there was something that had changed. I was in love with the guy and it was getting harder not to express it. I had this deep fear that I would say it and he wouldn’t feel the same way and would run for the hills. He may have cared about me, but love was a different thing.
“We’ll see.”
* * *
After what seemed like forever shopping, Valerie finally finished picking out Christmas gifts and we went back to my apartment. I pulled the tags off my new silk, maroon tunic and then put it in the sink with some of my body wash. I didn’t want to go downstairs into the laundry room to wash one thing and it was supposedly delicate anyway.
“If I wake up in the middle of the night hearing you and John doing it, I’m going to be really upset with you.” Valerie leaned against the fridge.
“We’re totally not going to be doing it.”
Valerie crossed her arms over her chest. “You mean to tell me that after a night of bar hopping with that hot piece of man candy you aren’t just going to hump like rabbits and forget that your sister is sleeping on the couch? Because if you are, then I’d appreciate knowing so I can go find a cheap hotel.”
I sighed. “No, Val. We definitely won’t be sleeping together. Well, probably sleeping together, but definitely not sex.”
“Is there something I should know about him?” She raised her eyebrow. “If I had a guy like that I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off of him.”
Harder than she thought. I wanted to, on many occasions, jump his bones, but it was like my body rejected the idea. My broken body.
“Yeah...about that.”
Her eyes widened and she gasped. “Oh my god! He’s not gay is he? Are you just like his beard or something?”
“What?” I dropped my shirt in the sink. “No! Oh god no! Like quite the opposite.”
“Then what is it?”
“I don’t want to have this conversation with my sister.”
“Ugh, seriously? I share everything with you. You share everything with me. You freaking told me about how you lost your virginity and you had mom write you a note to get out of gym class the next day.”
“Valerie! Never speak of that again.”
She held her hands up and pushed off of the fridge. “Okay, okay. I was just making a point.”
I sighed. “Fine. I haven’t actually slept with John and I don’t know if we ever well. We’ve gotten close, but...ugh.”
“Ugh, what?” Her eyes widened as if to say “go on.”
“It’s like there’s something busted and it just won’t happen. My body always betrays me or something. I just worry that maybe I’m not enough for him. Maybe someday he’s going to realize that I’m a fraud and leave me for someone who isn’t damaged. Someone without a disease”
Valerie shook her head. “First off, how many times have I told you to stop with that pity bullshit?”
“A lot.”
“And second, any guy who doesn’t want to be with you because you have cancer isn’t a guy that you want to be with anyway. You’re not broken. You may be a little crazy, but have you seen our mother? We’re all a little mad.”
I let out a deep breath and picked up my shirt again, ringing it out and then laying it flat on the counter. “You’re probably right.”
“I’m always right.”
She was right. She usually was. But that didn’t stop me from worrying. It was always in the back of my mind that something terrible was going to happen. Like all of the good that had been built up in our relationship could stop at any moment and I would go back to being alone. John may have been understanding now, but maybe someday he wouldn’t. Then where would I be?
Chapter 24
Most of the college students had left for break, but enough of them were around that it took almost forty-five minutes for a cab to show up at my apartment. That left enough time for my sister and me to get pretty tipsy from pre-gaming.
“Never have I ever threw up in the middle of a cornfield,” Valerie slurred through fits of giggles.
“You bitch!” I laughed and then tipped back the bottle of whipped cream vodka she just had to get when we were at Target.
John was meeting us at Gatsby’s. He said he was having some guy time with his remaining fraternity brothers. Valerie asked me again if I was sure that I wasn’t his beard.
“You know you love me.” Valerie grabbed the bottle from my lips mid-drink and took another glug from it.
“Only because we’re family.”
My phone vibrated on the table and Valerie’s reflexes were quicker so she picked it up before I could even move my hand. “Looks like loverboy might decide to break my no-screwing-while-your-sister-is-on-the-couch rule.”
“What are you talking about?” I reached for the phone, but she pulled it out of my grasp.
She lowered her voice and read the message. “Hey, Red, where you at? You and your sister need to get your fine asses to Gatsby’s. Hopefully we can have a repeat of the last time we were here.”
“I’m sure that’s not what he said.”
She tossed the phone on the table and stood up, smoothing out her dress. I thought she was a little too dressed up to be going to a college bar. This wasn’t downtown Chicago and nobody cared that she was in a designer wrap dress and sky high heels. She even spent hours in the bathroom airbrushing makeup and curling her hair. I, on the other hand, just put on my sleeveless maroon tunic, a pair of black leggings, and called it good enough with my curly hair and some light makeup.
“Whatever he said, we’d better see if that cab is finally here. I don’t want your lightweight ass to pass out on me before we even leave the apartment.
” She put her hand out.
“I am not a lightweight.” I took her hand, but wobbled as I stood up. Maybe drinking so much vodka was not a good idea.
“Yeah, and the Pope isn’t Catholic.”
* * *
This time the bouncer scrutinized my ID and made us pay cover. I never thought we’d get in and I let out a big breath of air once we stepped inside the stuffy bar.
“Ugh, why didn’t you just have John come with us? No one would question him.”
“He had some fraternity thing, so it was just easier to meet us,” I yelled over the music. Some hip hop song blared through the speakers and the place was elbow to elbow with people. I didn’t know how we’d ever find John.
“I hope some of his hot fraternity brothers are here. I could use a sloppy make out session with a random.”
I rolled my eyes. “If you insist.”
She grabbed my hand, yanking me toward the staircase that led to the dance floor. “Come on. Send him a text that we’re here and let’s dance.”
I sent John a quick text and went along with her. Her body moved to the music as we pushed our way down the stairs. I wanted to check my phone again, but before I could reach in my pocket, we were at the bottom of the steps and Valerie was pulling me forward just as another song started.
“God, I haven’t been to Fratsby’s in so long!” she yelled with a giggle.
I moved along with her, but my eyes kept scanning the crowd for John. He was tall enough that I should have seen him easily, but I couldn’t find him in the mess of bodies. It also didn’t help that my vision was a little blurry.
“You’re way too tense! Let’s get you some more to drink!” Valerie yanked me forward and found a smaller bar, just off the dance floor. She ordered us two shots of something called a buttery nipple and she gulped it down as if was nothing more than water. I followed suit and then she ordered another. By the third shot, I didn’t care what was going on anymore and needed to dance.
“I’m so awesome!” I giggled and moved my hips to the music. “Do you know how awesome I am?”
“You’re awesome!” Valerie laughed and almost knocked some girl over as she hip bumped me and then swung out.
“Where the hell is my man to see how awesome I am?” I slurred.
“I don’t know! Call him! Tell him that you want to use him as a pole.”
“I will!” I pulled out my phone to dial his number and that’s when I saw a familiar blur of long, brown hair out of the corner of my eye.
It was Missy. The girl that had given John a lap dance. She was saddling up on some guy, but I couldn’t see his face. Then she moved over, her hips flowing like liquid. There was another guy next to him and she turned toward him, grinding her hips against his. His was a face that I recognized. She was grinding on John.
I gasped and tears pulled at my eyes. “That asshole!”
Some fraternity function he had. He just wanted some alone time with Missy. All those nights we shared. No wonder he didn’t care if he was sleeping with me or not. Not when he had some slut on the side.
“What?” Valerie blinked and turned toward the direction I was looking.
“Let’s get out of here.” I turned to leave, the tears stinging my eyes and the alcohol still burning my throat, but Valerie grabbed me and pulled me back.
“What do you think you’re doing?” She had to practically yell in my ear.
“I’m not going to watch John get it on with some random girl.”
She shook her head and then forced me to look in his direction. “He’s not even interested in her.”
“What are you talking about?” I watched Missy run her fingers down his biceps.
“Watch and see. He doesn’t even care that the girl is practically dry humping him.”
John kept on his conversation with Brad, oblivious to Missy. Then her hands move lower to his jeans. That was when he finally looked at her. I sucked in a breath, hoping I wasn’t about to watch him do something that would hurt. But he didn’t. Instead he grabbed her wrist and looked right at her. I didn’t know what he was saying, but his facial expression said that he wasn’t pleased and it solidified that it wasn’t a good thing when he dropped her wrist and she stormed off.
“See! I told you,” Valerie yelled. “Now let’s go get your man.”
There is only so much that one can drink and make out before the night becomes nothing but a blur. John was happy to see me, grinning and pulling me against his warm body the minute I ran up to him. He then proceeded to buy me more drinks. The more I drank the more my body was like liquid gelatin. I didn’t care that his lips were all over me right in front of my sister or that Brad may have grabbed Valerie’s ass. I just wanted John. All of him. Cancer be damned.
“We should get out of here,” I whispered into his ear before I nibbled on his earlobe.
“What did you have in mind?” His lips trailed from my neck and back up to my ear.
“Back to my place?”
“Sure. I’ll just tell Brad.” He pulled away from me and then leaned toward Brad, who was mid tongue thrusting with Valerie.
John pulled Brad away and then said something to him that I couldn’t understand. Valerie just stared, blinking at him. I think she had more to drink than I did.
John came back over, sliding up next to me. “Me and Brad are going to get a cab, come on.”
“Brad?” I blinked.
“Yeah, he and Valerie are ready to leave too.”
What a cock block. I thought it might just be us in my apartment, but I couldn’t be so lucky. We piled into a cab and went back to my tiny apartment. The place felt even smaller as Brad stumbled over my coffee table and fumbled around my kitchen, taking whatever alcohol he could find and mixing it together.
I didn’t want to keep drinking. I wanted to find the very close comforts of my bed with John. He barely seemed to notice my advances as my fingers trailed up his inner thigh while we sat on the floor, playing a game of Asshole with Valerie and Brad. I could have pulled his pants down right there and I didn’t even think he’d notice.
Finally the designated driver came and picked Brad up after Valerie fell asleep on the couch. I practically jumped for joy as I watched him stagger out of the house.
“You ready for bed?” I asked John, trying my best to put on a seductive smile.
“Yeah, I’m beat.” He walked the few steps to my bed that was only separated from my couch by a bookshelf.
“I’d like to beat you.” I swerved over to him and put my fingers through his belt loops pulling him against me.
“I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean, Red.” He didn’t smile, but he didn’t frown either.
“It means that you need to get in this bed with me, now.” I let go of his belt loops and pushed him back. He barely moved when I pushed him, but then took a few steps back.
“Come on, John, let’s stop with the teasing and get this party started.” I slinked forward, slowly pulling off my tunic and throwing it on the floor so that I was just left in my strapless bra.
I put my hands on the waistband of my leggings, but then John grabbed my wrists, forcing me to look up at him. “Stop it, Red. Your sister is right there on the couch.”
“Psh! She wouldn’t care.” I couldn’t move my wrists and the world felt like it was spinning, so I just leaned forward and put my head on his chest.
“No, Red.” He let go of my wrists and then stepped around me. “I’m not doing this right now.”
“Why not?” I pouted. “Is it because I’m a cancer freak?” I didn’t know where the words came from. There was something about the alcohol that made me say things.
“What the fuck? Where is this coming from?”
Instead of being horny I felt something else bubble inside me. “You. All you wanted to do was jump my bones before you found out I had cancer. Now you stop before we ever go all the way. It’s like you feel sorry enough for me to kiss me, and let me get you off, but not enough to f
uck me.”
He stepped forward, shaking his head and putting his hands on my shoulders. “That’s not it at all. You know I care about you. I care about you so fucking much it hurts.”
“Then why won’t you just do me already?”
“Because I care about you too much to just have some mindless sex with you.”
“Pffffft!” I plopped down on the bed. My head was spinning and I wasn’t exactly sure what I was saying.
“Red...” He sat on the bed next to me, putting his hands on the side of my face, meeting my eyes with his. “You know I want you. I’ve done nothing but tell you that. But you just had another procedure done today and you’re shit faced. I’m not going to do something we’ll both regret when you’re sober.”
I shoved his hands down. “So you’d regret me?”
He shook his head, letting out a big sigh. “I didn’t say that.”
“You only think of me as some cancer freak. You’ll make out with me, sure, and take care of me, but when it comes to actually getting down? Oh no. Can’t do that with the cancer girl. Though you’ve probably done it with a million other girls at the Alpha Mu house.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it. You know how much I care about you. As for the sex, is that what you want? For me to just fuck you tonight while you can barely even stand? I’m not going to do that.”
“I can totally stand. You’re just using it as an excuse.” I fell back on the pillow. I could have stood...maybe.
He groaned. “Melanie, this is ridiculous. I’m not going to sit here and argue with you about sex. If you don’t realize how much I care about you by now, then I don’t know what else I can tell you.”
“Tell me that you want to make love to me and what’s holding you back from doing it.”
“What?”
I didn’t know where the words were coming from, but they all spilled out of me. I met his eyes, looking straight at him. “Tell me what’s holding you back from loving me.”
John mumbled something, but I couldn’t understand him. I wanted to ask, but my head was pounding and my eyes felt so heavy and the bed felt so comfortable.
