by Paige Nick
‘Oh, that’s right.’
‘Do you think this oke murdered Noakes?’
‘The barman did say he confessed a bunch of times, loud enough for the entire bar to hear; there were at least ten witnesses. One of them even filmed it on his cell phone.’
‘Yeah, but the barman also said he’d been in there drinking hard the whole day,’ said the driver, scratching his head.
‘And did you see the state of his hand? He definitely punched something very recently. Plus he only told us he did it about sixteen times.’
‘Yeah. And then he pissed himself and passed out. Super-reliable.’
‘You have a point. Did you ever try that Banting thing yourself?’ the passenger-seat cop asked. ‘I’ve heard it’s a miracle diet. You can eat bacon and fat and everything.’
‘My mother-in-law does it. She says it’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle.’
‘And? Has she lost any weight on it?’
‘Ja, a whole bunch, but she’s still a cow.’
‘Still . . . bacon. A diet that lets you eat bacon. That’s a thing.’
THE FANS
Wednesday 6:08pm
THE BANTING FOR LIFE FACEBOOK PAGE
Lydia Steenberg
This has been a dreadful few days...there’s been Professor Noakes’s tragic murder, which I worry we may never get over. As well as the horrific disappearance of his body (only in South Africa!). And for the last straw my amazing cat, Ginger Mary, passed away earlier today. She was run over outside my flat. I know this isn’t strictly Banting related, but the reason I’m telling you all this is, I have discovered that I am an emotional eater and if I had not adopted the Banting way, I probably would have consumed everything in sight today. But it has been quite the opposite. I know it will be difficult in terms of eating, and I’m sure I will have one or two high carb items to eat as I mourn, maybe even a little bit of ice cream later on tonight, but not so that it is out of control. I’ve been in distress before and the cravings were massive, but now I feel like I can manage it. I was looking at some photographs of Ginger Mary and me when she was just a kitten, and I can’t believe how much weight I’ve lost in such a short space of time. I went from being a fat cat-owner to a thin cat-owner. Ginger Mary I will miss you lots, I know how much you liked the cream we are allowed to eat with the Banting Way, and I will think of you whenever I eat it. Thank you Banting friends for letting me vent. It’s been a very very hard day.
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THE CEO
Wednesday 6:58pm
‘’Ello, it’s me again,’ Trevor whispered into the handset in his cockney accent, which he was definitely getting more adept at. ‘This is the third message I’m leaving for you. You ’aven’t made contact to collect the rest of your, er, renumeration. The job’s been done, I saw it on the news, so
I don’t understand why you ’aven’t been in touch. So gi’ us a call, mate, and put me in the picture, orright? On the radio, they’re saying the coppers ’ave arrested a suspect, and that ’e’s confessed to killing the Professor. No uvver details, but let me know you’re okay, there’s a pal? I bloody well ’ope it’s not you they’ve got banged up. It’s just that it would explain why you ’aven’t been in touch, so I’m a bit nervy. Is this
a set-up? Because if it is, you’ll never get away with it. If any of this
leads back to me, I’m just saying . . . if you rolled over on me to cut a
deal for yourself . . . I . . . I wouldn’t last in prison, I’m too white, my ’ands are too soft. So what I’m saying is, please, the second you get this, call me. Let me know what’s goin’ down and that it’s not you in custody
so I can stop worryin’. Orright, mate?’
Trevor put down the phone, then wiped his sticky hands down the sides of his dark-blue suit pants. Next time he’d bring some of that disinfectant they sold at the tills at Woolworths, the ones that didn’t need water, where you just squeezed some onto your hands, rubbed them together and they were disinfected, the dirt gone.
For a split second Trevor fantasised about being the CEO of the company that made that clear disinfectant stuff, instead of being the head cheese at SnackCorp. That handwash company would be so easy to run. There wasn’t a professor on earth who would make it his life’s work to outlaw disinfectant. What a dream that job would be.
Trevor’s cell phone rang in his breast pocket and he fumbled for it. It was his boss, Gunther. Again. He slipped the phone back into his pocket, letting the call go to message. Then he lifted the collar of his coat, shoved his hands deep into his pockets and headed back to his office. That would make it five times Gunther had tried to ring him today, and he’d left three messages. Trevor had only listened to one of them. Gunther wanted to let him know that they’d had an emergency board meeting and Trevor was urgently needed. This really did not bode well.
SnackCorp’s stocks had plummeted by another ten points since the reports of Professor Noakes’s death had gone viral. It wasn’t what Trevor had expected, but maybe he just needed to hang in there. He was sure his thinking was still sound: out of sight, out of mind. As soon as the hype surrounding the Prof’s death died down, things would go back to normal, and, according to Trevor’s plan, the stupid diet would fade into obscurity, bread and cake sales would increase again – people were emotional eaters after all – and by the end of next year, they’d all be smoking cigars and golfing it up in Barbados again. Trevor just had to hang in there.
But he was very, very worried about the remaining loose ends. Why hadn’t he thought through the whole thing more carefully?
Trevor’s tummy rumbled: all this stress was making him hungry. He darted into the Debonairs outlet a few blocks from his office and ordered a Something Meaty Pizza, upgrading it from a standard to a large at the last minute.
THE CO-AUTHORS
Wednesday 7:02pm
‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ Shaun asked, wrapping his arms around Xolisa.
‘I’m fine. Please stop asking me.’ Xolisa pulled away from him and went to sit in a chair across the room.
Shaun knelt beside her. ‘Sweetheart, stop being so stubborn. Here, let me take a look at your chin. How’s it feeling?’
Xolisa pushed his hand away. ‘Shaun, I’ve changed my mind.’
Shaun sat back on his heels. ‘About me looking at your chin?’
‘No, about us,’ Xolisa said, her voice flat. ‘I think we should take a break from each other, at least until everything calms down.’
‘But, but I thought. . .’ Shaun stuttered in shock.
‘I know, I thought too, but still, I’ve changed my mind.’
‘But last night you said. . .’
‘I know what I said, Shaun,’ Xolisa interrupted, her tone sharper now.
‘We were going to be an IT couple, you said! You said we were
going to be the new face of Banting, together we were going to. . .’
‘I know what I said, okay! But I’ve been thinking. We can’t both be the face of Banting. Only one person can front this thing, that was the way it worked with the Prof, and it’s why it worked so well.’
‘And let me guess: you’re that one person?’ Shaun said, his voice suddenly laced with sarcasm.
‘I suppose that remains to be seen, but I could be, if that’s what the public wants,’ she said. ‘I’m not going to be the one giving you credibility, a nice little multi-racial package. Decolonisation, transformation, it’s happening. Deal.’
‘Why are you doing this, Xolisa?’ Shaun pleaded. ‘I don’t understand where any of this is coming from. We’re so good together!’
‘Shaun, I have a public image to think of. Plus I need to try and make things work with my husband before throwing away three and a half years of marriage.’
‘What? But you don’t even like
Cyril,’ Shaun whined. ‘How did you decide this overnight?’
‘He’s my husband, Shaun. Try to understand.’
‘Well, I don’t understand!’ Shaun’s voice started to climb. ‘You can’t even say his name out loud! You refer to him as your “husband”.’
‘That’s because he is my husband,’ Xolisa said, her voice now calm and even.
‘But . . . we just told Marco and Shireen about us, what will we tell them now?’
‘I don’t care. You can tell them whatever you want. Tell them our chakras weren’t aligning.’
‘I can’t believe you’re doing this to me, Xolisa. Was this your plan all along? String me along, get me to do all the dirty work, then bail on me once the Prof was out the picture?’
Xolisa stood. ‘No, Shaun, it’s just the way things worked out. Of course I never meant to hurt you, and I care for you a great deal. I’m grateful for the things you chose to do for me. But with Noakes gone, everything’s changed. I need to think very seriously about how I want to go forward with my career and my future.’
The couple stood staring at each other for a long minute, Shaun silent for once.
‘I’m going to head home now,’ Xolisa said, standing and picking up her overnight bag. Then she walked towards the door, limping slightly.
‘No, wait. . .’ he called, his voice desperate.
She reached the front door and opened it. ‘One last thing, Shaun. That stubble you think is so sexy? It makes you look like a homeless person.’
‘You’re going to regret this,’ Shaun threatened. ‘You’ll never get away with it.’
‘That’s the thing.’ Xolisa looked back at him before she walked out the door. ‘I think I will.’
THE CEO
Wednesday 7:12pm
Trevor sat on the hard, cold, plastic seat inside Debonairs, in the furthest corner at the very back of the restaurant, savouring his pizza. He hadn’t had one in over six months (one failed attempt at a homemade pizza in the microwave at home, using cauliflower as the base, didn’t count – cauli-pizza? Pizzauli? Caulizza? Picaulli?). He knew all too well that this comforting treat was going to wreak havoc on his digestion. There really was no such thing as a free meal.
Trevor wallowed in panic for the duration of a whole slice, and in self-pity for another slice. Then he turned the problem of the hitman over in his head. He’d handed over the first forty grand up front in cash and in person. The arrangement was that as soon as the job had been completed, the assassin would contact Trevor on his specially bought pager (he’d had to hunt it down on Ebay, they barely made them anymore) so that they could arrange a meeting to hand over the second forty grand. Noakes was definitely dead, so why hadn’t the hitman called for his final payment yet? Did this mean he was the one in police custody? In which case, Trevor had much bigger problems.
Trevor pondered as he chomped through another piece of pizza his favourite way: folding it in half, then shoving it into his face, bite by delicious, cheesy, wheaty, constipating bite.
THE FANS
Wednesday 8:06pm
THE BANTING FOR LIFE FACEBOOK PAGE
Louise Wright
Oh my goodness, I just got on my scale. If you’re thinking of doing it, do yourself a favour and don’t. L
Like 2
Ashleigh Wyliman Oh yes, I so agree !!!! the scale is not always yur friend. mine lies to me constantley...... J
Anele Smit So true. maybe rather judge your wait from how your clothes feel and stay away from the scale. This coming from a new banter, only twelve days in so far, and loving it
Like 19
Sanette Der Walt I got on the scale yesterday, and I felt so awful and hopeless afterwards that I ate 100 grams of cheddar, 50 grams of salami and 60 grams of nuts!!! And all that right after I’d had a whole big Banting breakfast of scrambled eggies and smoked samon. L I am feeling very despondent, but I don’t want to give up. I just don’t think I’ll get on the scale
again for a while!!!
Like 26
Dilly Heron thanks for the advice, I think Im going to wait for a while,
maybe something like six months. maybe I wont even buy a scale till then to stop myself from being tempted to step on it and see. I dont want to fail at this.
Like 15
Ethel Markowitz good thinking Dilly Heron I’m going to do that too!
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Louise Wright I’m really hoping what I’ve got is just water retention or constipation, cos if I’ve put on weight for real I’m going to be really upset, I’ve stuck to the green list and everything.
Like 33
Daniel Gouws It could also be muscle gain. You know that muscle weighs much more than fat. Don’t let it make you despondent.
Like 11
Louise Wright I know Daniel Gouws but it’s an emotional roller coaster, up one day, down the next. Shooweee but it’s not easy.
Like 10
Grant Spoegel I lost two pant sizes but ZERO kg, I would have been really upset about it, except my boyfriend kept telling me how fantastic I was
looking and that really helped. Also TWO PANT SIZES!!!!.
Like 29
Donna Ferguson I agree with Louise - I been trying out this lifestyle now for just over two months and have only lost 2kgs. But none of my clothes still fit me, I’ve had to go and get all new ones. I mostly got them from a second hand shop and from Pep, I didn’t want to spend too much money on clothes, because I know I’m going to be losing a lot more weight on Bunting, and I can’t wait until I’m finally down to my goal weight before I buy a whole new wardrobe – I would have to go to work naked otherwise. I haven’t been thin in fifteen years, I can’t wait. But don’t get on the scale, it’s disenheartening.
Like 24
Phillip White After reading this conversation, my scale is being repurposed,and I have found a better use for it, in the dustbin. haahahaha
Like 27
Samara Pillay Dilly Heron why 6 months? Is that how long its
supposed to take? Sorry Im new to this whole thing.
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Teresa Constantine I have been really sad, after three months I’m only 3 kilograms down, but my jeans are definitely lose on me, I needed to go and buy a belt to keep them up. I don’t understand, can someone explain it to me. How can you not loose weight in kilos but still lose a dress sizes?
Like 17
Stanley Miles
Seriously! This just proves that you’ve all been completely
brainwashed. You’re not even losing weight, yet you still bow down to this ridiculous fad. Bet you it was invented by the cauliflower farmers, and they paid Noakes a pretty penny. I suspect cauliflower sales have never been so good. Actually I was wrong, you are losers after all!
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THE CEO
Wednesday 8:23pm
Ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring.
‘This mailbox is full and cannot accept new messages.’
Trevor dropped the handset in frustration and stood watching it dangling from the base of the payphone. He was fucked. Royally, royally fucked.
Trevor needed to make another plan. He couldn’t just idly watch his life collapsing around his ears. If only the hitman would get in touch, reassure him he wasn’t being set up. The uncertainty was literally eating him up.
Trevor shuffled back down the street in the dark, dragging his feet along the pavement towards his office so he could fetch his car and go home, the still-dangling handset mocking him behind his back. He had a bag of Quality Street chocolates at home with his name on it. They were supposed to be for his great-aunt’s birthday, but
he would just have to buy her something else. Maybe a nice scarf.
BENJAMIN
Wednesday 9:46pm
Benjamin Di Rosi I just read your post on the Banting for Life Facebook page about Ginger Mary! I’m SO sorry, Lydia. You must
be absolutely devastated. I know how much you loved that cat. I’m also sorry I’ve been scarce today, I know it’s late, but I only just logged on and I hope you’re still around to see this message.
Things have been a little crazy on my side. Are you okay? If there
is anything I can do, I hope you know that you only have to say the word and I’ll be there for you.
Lydia Steenberg Thank you so much, Benjamin. It’s good to hear from you. Yes, I am devastated and crying as I write this. It was just so sudden. This morning when I went to work there she was, lying in the laundry basket. She was run over some time earlier today. I am finding it so hard to believe that she’s really gone. I appreciate the support I’ve been getting from everyone on the page, and your support and kindness means a great deal to me.
Benjamin Di Rosi I know what a great cat she was. I can only begin to imagine how awful you’re feeling. Although, I do think I can relate a small amount. The truth is, I’ve been having a pretty awful day myself.
Lydia Steenberg Oh no, I’m sorry to hear you’re having a rough time. Do you want to talk about it? I know talking about Ginger Mary in the group has really made me feel better, talking may do the same for you.
