I think of my own mother. I think of how careless she was with her own life and the life of her children, how little she cared about anything that didn’t amuse her. I think of Julia, who is such a devoted mother. Caring, nurturing, selfless. She could never be careless with the wellbeing of her children. She would do anything for her kids. Anything for me.
She and Giles are good people. They made the right decisions in life. They love each other. They don’t deserve this. Their children don’t deserve this. What they deserve is to enjoy their happily ever after, the one they earned with every choice they’ve made up to this point.
And this? This is bullshit.
A humorless laugh rises to my lips.
“What is it?” Leo asks.
“Nothing. It’s just—you’re right. Julia has to pull through. The universe can’t be this cruel, this ironic.”
“What do you mean?”
His eyes are searching mine, the corners of his lips turned down. He seems worried. Really worried. Nothing is happening to him, or to anyone he knows. What is he worried about?
The answer comes to me immediately.
He is worried about me. About everything he doesn’t know about me. About everything I won’t tell him. His gaze seems to pour out of him and attempt to penetrate the depths of me. He wants to see into my head, wants to know what I’m thinking, wants me to let him in.
“Nothing,” I say.
But in the few seconds I hesitate, I almost tell him.
I almost tell him about the time Emily and I watched our father shove his clothes into a large trash bag. How he looked right through us like we weren’t even there. His own daughters, eight and three years old, left clinging to each other in tears, upset and confused, begging him not to go.
I’m compelled to describe how it all feels like it happened to someone else. My father letting the door slam shut behind him without even once looking back. My mother’s downward spiral into alcoholism and then drug abuse. Spending the better part of my childhood and adolescence being a surrogate mother to Emily. Hiding my mother’s addictions from everyone we knew. Cleaning her up, begging her to get her act together, putting up with her piece of shit boyfriends.
I want to tell him about the times I found her unresponsive and thought for sure she was dead. I even want to tell him of all of the times I wished she really was dead. That as soon as I could get a job and leave the house, I did—taking Emily with me. My mother didn’t even come looking for us. She tried to reconnect long after we needed her, when we were already adults. Each time she swore she was a different person. Every time she proved herself wrong.
I could tell him.
I almost think he deserves to know. Maybe then he can understand why it’s hard for me to open up. But I don’t even know where to start. I don’t know the combination of words that could explain what I feel and why it all makes me afraid.
Being alone doesn’t scare me and never will. I’m more afraid of the way a person’s presence can slowly morph into a type of certainty when there’s no such thing as certainties.
Every time I’ve trusted someone in my life to be there for me, to love me, they’ve abandoned me and cracked me wide open. Every time.
XXII
Leo
I’m not sure why Alexis goes still and quiet all of a sudden. I can feel her pulling away from me though she doesn’t even twitch a muscle, her insides cringing into some corner of herself. But I know better than to prod further with her. Prodding scares her. She’s so damn scared of giving anything away, even the most remote parts of herself. This upsets me for reasons I don’t really understand. At any rate, now isn’t the time to acknowledge it.
She gets up and says we should go to the waiting room with Julia’s family and wait for news there. I’m surprised that she lets me hold her hand as we walk, until I realize it seems more out of convenience than a sign of tenderness.
When we walk into the waiting room, I notice a handful of people scattered throughout. Toward the end of the room I see Giles speaking to an older Hispanic woman. She must be Julia’s mother. Two other dark-haired women, much younger, probably early and late twenties respectively, are standing nearby. They are listening to the conversation as well. I assume them to be the sisters.
The last two people are sitting nearby but engrossed in their own conversation. One of them I recognize as Emily, Alexis’ sister. The other is a dark-haired guy who, for a moment, I can’t figure out why he looks familiar, until I feel Alexis coil up beside me and it hits me. He’s the guy from the pizzeria. What is he doing here?
Alexis lets go of my hand and I’m not sure if it’s a conscious move, but I place my newly free hand on the small of her back instead. Her sister, Emily, stands up when she sees us approaching and comes forward to Alexis. I stand behind them.
“I’ve been calling you,” Emily tells her. “I thought you were home.”
At her last words, Emily looks to me and her eyes narrow in recognition. I nod at her in return.
“Sorry,” Alexis says, fatigue etched in her voice. “My phone’s on vibrate. I haven’t thought to check it since I got here.”
I am close enough to overhear the conversation Giles and the older woman are having. They speak in Spanish, but I understand most of what they’re saying. My brother, sister, and I were practically raised by our Mexican nanny, Lourdes. I think of Lourdes when I look at Julia’s mother. She has something innately nurturing about her. Something warm and welcoming, despite the obvious sadness weighing on her.
Julia’s mother breaks away from Giles. She and Alexis hug. Her accent is thick when she speaks, “Lexi, thank you for coming.”
“Of course, Maria,” Alexis says, a softness coming over her features that I’ve never quite witnessed before.
Everyone suddenly looks at me.
“This is Leo,” Alexis announces after clearing her throat. “Leo, this is Maria, Julia’s mother.”
I go to shake Maria’s hand, but she hugs me instead, tapping her cheek to mine in a kiss. It always takes me by surprise how intimate a Hispanic greeting is.
“These are Julia’s sisters, Cassandra and Darla.”
I nearly jut out my hand again, but the sisters each hug me in turn.
“You remember my sister, Emily.”
Emily extends a hand immediately to make sure I don’t get the idea that she is the hugging type.
“And this is Jacob.”
Just Jacob. No other adjective to identify him or his purpose here. I keep my expression steady as I give him a firm handshake. He meets my eyes but we look away from each other the moment our hands drop to our sides.
Giles asks Alexis where she went off to, telling her he turned around and found her missing from the nursery. She says simply that she needed a minute. He nods. That is all the explanation he needs.
I stand around as Alexis and Julia’s mother begin to speak about Colton, gushing about how perfect and healthy he is. My eyes are glued to Alexis, not really even listening to her words but watching how she says them. Seeing the way she collects herself in order to bring a moment of distraction to Julia’s mother.
It takes me a moment to notice that Emily is watching me.
“Where are you from, Leo?” she asks me from where she sits.
I take the seat beside her to avoid having to look down on her as I answer.
“I’m from Texas.”
She and Alexis have the same eyes and I find that looking into hers is strange. A stranger has a piece of something I am familiar with.
“You don’t have an accent,” she says, taking me in carefully as if she’s some sort of human lie detector. I realize she is sizing me up, trying to decide what she thinks of me.
“My family’s originally from New York,” I tell her.
She glances at Jacob, who is sitting on the other side of her, and says, “Jacob, aren’t you from New York?”
“I am,” Jacob says.
I nod, though I really couldn’t
care less. He seems to be thinking along the same line because he doesn’t elaborate. Instead, he gets up and says, “I’m going to go get some crappy vending machine coffee.”
You do that.
He turns to Emily. “Do you need anything?”
When she shakes her head, his attention falls to me and I say, “No thanks.”
My cell phone pings with a message. I pull it out of my pocket and see the screen. My blood rages into a boil and hot aggravation floods over me. It’s Katy.
[So you’re done fucking me and now you ignore me?]
Another message pops up as I read the first.
[You’re fucking someone else, aren’t you?]
Jesus, this girl is infuriating. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing wrong that I can’t seem to shake her off. It occurs to me to block her number. That’s a start. I’ll handle that later, I’m really not in the mood for this crap.
As I go to put the phone away again, my eyes dart up to find Emily gazing down at it. Great. I know she read the messages because her body language seems to shift. She sits up straighter, and her lips purse.
When she speaks again, her words are clipped and her tone detached.
“So you work for Alexis.”
“I do.”
“And you two are fucking.”
I’m completely taken off-guard that she would come out and say that. She didn’t even bother lowering her voice. One of Julia’s sisters—Darla, I think—glances at us.
Emily’s lips twitch in a cynical way and I can tell she enjoys the prospect of my unease. I look over to where Alexis stands and find instant solace in the sight of the skin of her neck. She turns to glance at me as she talks, but her gaze crosses over mine idly before slipping away again. I turn my sights back to Emily, who is watching me like a hawk.
“Is that a question?” I ask her, not bothering to keep the aggravation out of my tone.
“Yes.”
Her green eyes are razor sharp, dissecting my expression. I let them. She isn’t as intimidating as she seems to think she is. I know that her sudden stiffness is a knee-jerk reaction to what she thinks she read on my phone screen. She doesn’t know the context of the message. I’m not going to sit here and offer an explanation to something she has no business reading in the first place. I set my jaw before responding.
“I really don’t think it’s any of your business.”
She lets out half a laugh and crosses her arms.
“What do you want with my sister? Oh—by the way, that is a question.”
She glares at me and I’m sure I’m glaring right back. I think we decide in that moment that we don’t like each other. It’s strange to dislike someone with Alexis’ eyes, to look into them and feel a twinge of irritation.
Obviously, I would prefer to get along with Emily but it’s hard to even want to. She is abrasive, arrogant, and has no right to speak to me this way based on misguided assumptions. She’s not going to see me groveling at her feet for approval. Maybe I’m tired, or in a bad mood. Or maybe my anger has nothing to do with Emily and her attitude problem. Regardless, I’m not in the least bit interested in pacifying the situation.
My voice is a sheet of ice when I speak. “That, too, is none of your business.”
She arches an eyebrow, her eyes ruminating.
“You can go, you know? We don’t need you here. Lex can come home with me.”
I want to tell her I didn’t ask for her permission to be here, but instead I say, “I’m here for Alexis.”
Emily responds instantly, “You don’t need to worry about Lex. Trust me, she doesn’t need you to try to be some knight in shining armor and protect her. She’s got steel rods for veins. You might think she’s been through hell and back, but I’ll tell you that hell has been through her.”
I’m not sure what hell she’s referring to, but her words shine a huge spotlight on the fact that I know next to nothing about Alexis. I’m sure I’ve told her my whole life story at this point and she gives me nothing. This thought chips at my resolution, but only at the edges.
Alexis is standing over us now. Her brows are raised in surprise and I know she either heard the last part of what her sister said or can feel the icy tension in the air.
“Hey,” she says to me before shooting a reproachful glance at her sister. “Emily, do you mind scooting over?”
Emily looks like she does mind, but gets up anyway.
Jacob appears out of nowhere with a Styrofoam cup of what I guess is coffee in his hands. Emily doesn’t sit back down. She goes off to join Julia’s sisters as they walk by. I overhear them say they’re going to visit Colton in the nursery.
Jacob takes a seat beside Alexis, not looking anywhere but at her.
“Hi,” he says to her. The way his eyes brighten as they sweep over her makes me wonder how well he knows her.
I can’t see her expression when she addresses him.
“When did you hear about Julia?”
“I was with them when she went into labor. Giles and I were moving a new couch into their house. I ended up driving them here.”
He must be a friend of Giles. Maybe he’s even related to Julia. His features are not quite Hispanic the way the other family members appear. Then again, I have no idea what Julia looks like; I’ve never met her.
Alexis turns to me as though I’m included in the conversation and says, “Jacob is Julia’s cousin.”
I nod. That answers that question. Now on to the others. What’s with the way he looks at Alexis? What’s with the lunch date? I set my jaw and make an effort to remind myself she agreed not to fuck anyone else as long as we are sleeping together. Whoever this guy is, whatever may have happened between them, it’s irrelevant now.
Jacob corrects Alexis and says, “Julia’s like my sister. We all grew up together.”
He isn’t looking at me when he says it. His words seem to be more for Alexis’ benefit than my own. They continue to make small talk for a few minutes. I’m surprised at how easily she converses with him. And, to be honest, I don’t like it. I do notice her upper body is leaning toward my chair. That, coupled with the surface level of their conversation, sets my mind at ease. They don’t know each other well, at all. But it appears that he’s better at getting her to talk than I am, which I guess says more about me than it does about either of them.
Giles comes back into the waiting room and tells us Julia will be in surgery for another hour to two hours at most. Alexis turns to me and says, “Leo, you should go. You have work in the morning. Damn.” She glances at her watch. “This morning. It’s one AM.”
“I’m staying.”
She considers me for a few seconds, nods, then surprises me by putting her head on my shoulder, which effectively marks the end of her conversation with Jacob.
We wait in relative silence, feeling the pull of every passing minute, a sort of dread building around us all. At some point, the sisters return from the nursery. From what I overhear, none of them feel comfortable holding Colton until Julia has a chance to first. I guess whatever went wrong in labor happened quickly and she never had a chance to meet her son.
Alexis goes still beside me, her breathing rhythmic. I wrap an arm around her shoulder and lean my head back on the wall behind us.
I hear someone ask, “What’s the story behind this?”
Looking over, I see Jacob is watching us. I almost forgot he’s sitting on the other side of her. His tone is unassuming, but the tension in his eyes betrays how much he cares.
“I’m not sure I understand the question.”
He looks from Alexis to me and asks, “Are you two together?”
“That would be a question for Alexis to answer.”
“Well, I’m asking you.”
The edge in his tone peaks through from behind his dark eyes.
Really? Are we whipping out the cocks already?
I resist the urge to sit up, which would shift Alexis’ position on me. Her eyes are still closed and h
er breathing remains slow and steady.
Her head lays on my upper chest and by the way Jacob looks at me, I know he hates me for it. I keep my voice low and my tone even but I match the sharpness in his gaze when I answer. “How about first you tell me why you think you have a right to ask?”
That gets him. He sneers at me and looks away, shaking his head as if deciding I’m not worth hearing whatever response he comes up with.
Giles comes back. Julia’s mother and sisters instantly get up to meet him. The commotion stirs Alexis awake. Her lips part for a few seconds as her sleepy fog fades.
“Is it over?” she asks, rubbing her eyes.
Giles tells everyone that Julia is being moved to recovery. The surgery went well. That’s all I hear before I drown out his voice for the sound of Alexis’ sigh of relief. I can’t help but notice I’m the first person her eyes land on. Everyone around us is moving, talking, even laughing. We barely notice. We’re sharing a look. Her eyes tell me she’s surprised I’m still here. And the intensity of her gaze opens something in the air between us. We silently acknowledge that this thing between us might already be more than we planned for.
XXIII
Alexis
I end up taking off the whole of Thanksgiving week and start my vacation early. I opt to stay in the hospital through early Friday morning. Leo, however, goes to work per usual, and I can’t imagine how tired he must be after spending all night in the hospital with me.
He and I don’t get to see each other over the next few days. Julia’s recovery is set back by an unexpected infection. Just the thought of the string of events really wears down on me. I can’t wait for this dark cloud to pass.
I’ve got my hands full between visiting Julia in the hospital and preparing for the Thanksgiving dinner I’m hosting for some friends. I’m not looking forward to the dinner, but it’s too late to cancel now.
Leo seems to respect the fact that I’ve got a lot going on, because he doesn’t insist on whisking me away to a hotel room. Still, he manages to send me messages throughout the day, ensuring my mind lingers on him constantly. At night, my body stirs between the sheets with the anticipation of his touch.
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