I lean back. “And that would be….”
“You were her mentor when she learned how to sojourn, and something went terribly wrong during that time.” Her gaze lifts and she focuses on my face. “And she blames you, if you want the truth.”
I nod and try to think of how to respond, but the chaos inside is building again. “What do you mean?”
She leans back. “Remember the last few times you tried to sojourn and the emotions got the best of you?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
“Your shielding isn’t working, and that leaves you completely open to all the chaos swirling among the humans around you. You have no defenses.”
“All right.” I work hard to keep my voice even. “So what does this have to do with Sarah? Why does she blame me for something?”
“Because you were her first mentor. It was your responsibility to teach her how to shield so she would not suffer from the chaos.”
I shut my eyes in shame. “But I did not.”
“No, you didn’t.”
I try to remember some part of teaching Sarah to sojourn. but I can’t even remember learning myself. Just more proof that I do not remember everything, that Theresa’s reversal has not been as successful as I’d first believed.
“How long has it been?” My voice is tightly restrained, and it takes everything I have to keep my emotions in check.
“Centuries, Lev. It’s been centuries.” Her tone is tired but patient.
“I understand I made a mistake—a big one—but surely by now she has learned how to shield. If she has been doing this for so long, how could she not have?” I rake my fingers through my hair, feeling the restlessness and chaos growing worse.
Judging from Theresa’s serious expression, I can tell she’s trying to come up with a way to answer and still be diplomatic about my failings. I can see the gears turning, and I can tell that whatever she finally does say, I’m probably not going to like.
“Well, for one thing, it’s important to learn how to shield when you first start sojourning because after that, it just gets harder and harder to master that skill.”
“In what way?” I ask. I touch the fabric of the couch, trying to find something to distract myself because it seems it’s not just Elizabeth I’ve let down.
“The longer you go without learning how to shield, the more susceptible you are to sharing human emotions with those around you until those emotions finally consume you. Sarah hasn’t been able to build barriers to those emotions, and I’m beginning to think she might never be able to block them at all, considering how long she has been exposed.”
As I think about all the feelings I experienced at the cemetery and how debilitating they were, I realize just how strong an argument Sarah has in hating me and how much I have failed her; I was the one who was supposed to protect her. I just wish I could remember.
“Is there is no way to make amends for this? No way to fix it?”
“There are things which can’t be fixed, Lev.” She folds her arms across her chest. “You above all should know this.”
She’s right. I know she is.
Jayzee suddenly slips in though the sliding glass door. She looks from me to Theresa, and I feel there’s an unspoken message between the two I can’t decipher. Instead of saying anything, she walks through the kitchen and into the hallway toward the bedroom where I assume she stays.
“And have I offended Jayzee as well?”
Theresa takes a deep breath and finally nods. “Same story, different verse, I’m afraid. You are not like other angels, Lev. You are not particularly prone to the emotional chaos. You didn’t need shielding as much as others have, which is probably what caused you to end up in this whole Elizabeth situation to begin with. You’ve never really had much use for humans.”
While I may not remember a lot of things, that particular point is familiar, and I feel a flush creep into my cheeks. No, I’m not human, but this corporeal body still reacts in very human ways sometimes. And this poor reaction to humans is something I wish I could take back, but nothing can ever be taken back, even for angels.
“So I didn’t teach Jayzee, either, I take it?”
“No.”
At this point, I’m trying to figure out why in the world I was ever put in charge of teaching other angels to sojourn when it seems like I barely knew what I was doing most of the time. Why make me a sojourner with such an attitude toward those I was supposed to be delivering?
But, really “why” doesn’t matter. All that matters is the damage done, what I can change, and what I can’t.
Therese stares at me. “So why exactly are you here, Lev? Did something else go amiss? Is there something else you need?”
Reluctantly, I finally nod and say, “Yes, there is something else I want to ask you.” I take a deep breath. “I know there are many things beyond changing, but I wondered if perhaps there might be a way you could change things…make them more bearable for Elizabeth.”
Theresa’s eyes widen as she takes in my request. “Have you talked to Evan about this? I mean, he’s probably got more tricks up his sleeve than I. He’d be more likely to know how to help you.”
I shake my head. “Evan and I aren’t really talking about much right now. I know everything he has done has been on my behalf, but this—this isn’t something he would understand, and I don’t know what to tell him about it. I know what I feel, and I know what’s right, but there’s a breakdown somewhere.”
She nods, carefully considering my words. “Okay, just to be clear, what exactly are you wanting?”
Elizabeth’s face pops into my mind, and I see her tears glittering in the fluorescent lighting. It’s not something I can fix.
“I want to be able to ease Elizabeth’s pain; I don’t know if there is any way she’s going to be able to do this unless I find some way to wipe myself from her memory.”
Theresa laughs, but it’s hard and brittle. She really can’t believe I’m asking what I’m asking. “You want me to me to do a memory wipe on a human?”
I nod. “It’s the only way. You haven’t seen her. She’s distressed. She’s not functioning well at all, and it’s my fault. Unless there is some way to go back in time and extract myself from her life before she ever met me, this is the only way to help her. I don’t know what else to do. I can’t sit back and watch her life fall apart because of me.”
“Have you tried speaking to Elizabeth?”
My body tenses up, starting with my shoulders. “I can’t do that. She thinks I’m dead. Appearing in another corporeal form is going to be problematic at best. I can’t abandon my duties to be with her, and I know that’s what she wants. I wish there were a way to undo…all of this.”
Theresa stares straight ahead like she’s thinking again, and I don’t say anything because I really want her to think up something good that will end this misery for Elizabeth. There isn’t anything that will end it for me. I don’t want to forget her. I will find a way to live with the pain, but she shouldn’t have to do that.
At that moment, I realize what Evan was trying to do for me, and I know it was good. It just didn’t take because there was no forgetting the changes Elizabeth had made in me. There’s only this life she was in, and I was blessed. I know that now. Without her, I would never have learned to love humans and known just how wonderful they can be.
“Do you have a clue what you are asking for?” Theresa asks. “We do not meddle in the affairs of mortals. It just isn’t done.”
Unable to take the chaos building within me, I rise. “Don’t we? What about the guardians? Don’t they change things?”
“You and I are not guardians, Lev. We are sojourners, and changing the affairs of mortals isn’t our task. I’m sorry.” She leans back into the sectional, a frown at her lips.
“Okay, so you are not willing to do this. I understand that. But can it be done?” I’m speaking faster, more desperately than I would like as I struggle with the idea of the rest of my life bein
g like this—and the rest of Elizabeth’s life being filled with the pain and brokenness my being there has caused. I knew I should have intervened the first go-round. If I had, her life would not have kept replaying itself.
And we would never have fallen in love.
There is a price for everything, not just for humans but also for angels, yet Elizabeth is paying for my transgressions. I can’t bear that.
“I am not as old as some, and I know Evan would have the answers you seek.”
I jerk around, feeling as though I’m going to go mad if she mentions Evan’s name just one more time. “Evan won’t even speak of my past, and you want me to go to him and admit my memory has returned despite his best efforts and ask him how to fix this?” I shake my head. “He feels that by erasing my memory he has fixed everything.”
Theresa nods, and I’m beginning to hate the placation I feel from her. Still, I wait. “Memory reversal isn’t something I can do, Lev. But there are some guardians who may. Kane is one. Perhaps I can find out more from him.”
At once, it seems an incredible weight has been lifted. No, it isn’t the answer I am searching for; it’s not a promise everything will be fixed. But it is something I hope to happen is still possible. I may yet be able to restore Elizabeth to the place she was before.
“When will you know?”
She shrugs. “I can talk to Kane tonight and give you an answer tomorrow.” She stands. “Will you be staying here tonight?”
I’m tempted to say yes, but I’m also pretty sure that since Evan and Celia are both well aware of my difficulty with sojourning, they would probably come looking for me if I failed to return to the Upper Realm. It’s just a hunch, but I know them pretty well, no matter what else I may have forgotten.
“No, I think I’ll probably return to the Upper Realm. Both Evan and Celia are a bit worried about my inability to sojourn at present.”
“All right. Come back tomorrow, and we will talk things over to see if Kane has any insight that might help you get through this.” She walks over to me, gives my arm a squeeze, and slips into the kitchen.
Drawing a deep breath, I slip outside and start into flight when I spot Celia standing a few yards away, her light blue eyes watching me meticulously.
“Celia?” I call for her, wondering how much she knows of what I am intending, and though part of me wants to ask why it should matter, I know better. It should matter because if she warns Evan of my intentions, I’m not sure what he would do. Nor am I sure why I know Celia won’t approve of my company these days. It’s just a feeling, but I sense by the chaos swirling within me the feeling is justified. I glance back at the sliding glass door, checking to make sure Theresa isn’t to be found before I talk to Celia.
“Lev, what are you doing here?” She steps toward me, glancing from me to the door.
“Visiting other angels.”
“Which other angels?” She folds her arms across her chest stubbornly, and I feel a disagreement coming on between us.
“Does it matter? Am I not free to associate with whomever I choose?”
“Of course you are,” she says, but her tone suggests something different as she keeps watching the door, trying to figure out why I’m here, at this house. In as much as she tries to see things, I try to block her as best I can. Of course, that only irritates her all the more.
“How did you know where to find me?” I ask, wondering if she heard any of the conversation between Theresa and me. While I can’t really see Celia skulking around a strange house, trying to eavesdrop, I also know everything is still tilted out of balance, and there is so much more to learn than I already know.
“It wasn’t hard. I can sense wherever you go.” While she is trying hard to mask her tone and keep the chaos swirling inside her in check, her mouth is set in a neutral line, and none of the emotions show. She looks from me to the window, and her gaze lingers, and I turn and see Theresa standing there, one hand resting on the glass.
“You’re a fool, Lev. You shouldn’t be here.” She grabs my arm. “Come with me.”
“So it’s foolish to look for the answers which have been denied?” I jerk from her grip as Theresa opens the door, and I see Celia ready to fly, which only solidifies my intuition that says there is some kind of negativity between the group of angels I am with and the group Theresa is with.
“What is wrong with you?” I ask. “Why are you in such a rush to fly away so rudely, Celia.”
This time, she gives me an icy glance. “Theresa isn’t my friend, Lev, and up until now, she hasn’t been yours, either. Don’t kid yourself.”
“Long time no see, Celia,” Theresa says as she steps outside, her arms dangling at her sides. It would appear she doesn’t quite know what to do with them. It’s amazing how the tone she uses with Celia is so much edgier than the one she uses with me.
Celia turns and levels a glare her way. “Not long enough, Theresa. It’s never going to be long enough.” Then Celia faces me. “You are a fool if you don’t watch your step, Lev. Remember that.”
I start to answer, but she doesn’t give me time before launching herself into the air. A little voice inside me tells me I should go after her, but I just can’t seem to make myself. I’m not ready to have that argument, especially not before I get things straightened out with Elizabeth, should that prove possible.
“It seems Celia forgets nothing,” Theresa says, stepping to meet me.
“So what is it I have forgotten?” I ask, scrutinizing Theresa’s features. I probe to see whether the chaos is building within her, but she seems undisturbed. It seems whatever bad blood is between the two of them has not affected her.
She shrugs. “How would I know? I restored as much of your memory as I found. Beyond that, I do not know what you’ve lost.”
“Celia seems to think there is a negative balance between us as well. Is this true?”
She averts her gaze. “Perhaps. There has been a lot of bad blood with how you dealt with the sojourners in your guardianship, Lev. Celia was one of your later protégés, so she doesn’t know what happened with the earlier sessions. She doesn’t have a clue why Sarah and Jayzee would choose to shun you, and they are my friends, so I’m guessing it’s a matter of guilt by association instead of identity.”
It’s a simple answer, to be sure and could rightfully explain the tension between the two, but I still feel as though there might be more. Short of flying to the Upper Realm and taking the heat from Celia, there is no way I’m going to figure it out, and perhaps knowing wouldn’t be such a good thing, after all, because I have to align myself with Theresa’s faction for now if I have any hope of healing Elizabeth, so perhaps it is better to go in blind.
Theresa watches until Celia disappears altogether. “So are you still planning to go back to the Upper Realm? If so, you’d better brace for Hurricane Celia. She’s not going to just let this grudge war go.”
I shrug. “No, I’ll probably just hang out here instead if the offer is still open.” For a second, I think about having to be near Jayzee and Sarah. Talk about uncomfortable. Still, I know it will be worse if I fly to the Upper Realm and have to deal with Celia in this state of mind. Given a few days, she might calm down.
And pigs might sprout wings and fly, too. I know this. I know where my loyalties should lie, and perhaps if Evan hadn’t concealed my memories, this wouldn’t be an issue. But it is. How it is.
“Sure the offer is still open, and Kane will be home in a little while, so we can discuss what he knows about memory reversal in humans.”
“Thank you,” I say, suddenly relieved. Celia could drag Evan down here, but I’m guessing she really doesn’t want to think of all the trouble it would make among all the angels. After all, while there may be a grudge, such is no reason to segregate angels, is it? There’s an order to everything, including angels, and one misstep can totally destroy it for us, so I do not think Evan will risk coming down here himself and stirring waters he has no wish to swim in.
I bite my tongue and think that while there are a lot of truths I want, this one is insignificant compared to the rest. Still, I follow her back inside, waiting to be sentenced for a crime.
Chapter Thirteen
I spend the rest of the day staring out the door, watching the afternoon spin its way toward dusk, awaiting Kane’s return. Thoughts of Elizabeth fill my head. Even when I start out thinking of all the wonderful moments we shared, it always ends with Elizabeth finding herself alone.
The whole time I am there, I feel Theresa watching me as though she waits for something--not that I know what that something is or why the weight of the world seems to hang in the balance and the slightest wind could have disastrous results.
Around ten or so, I step out onto the back porch, tired of feeling hemmed in with Theresa and Jayzee. I half-expect Sarah will return, and I know that will only add to the conflict I don’t want to face. But this house is stifling. I need space.
I need Elizabeth.
Taking a deep breath, I soar into the clear and starry night sky. I close my eyes and think of Elizabeth, imaging her heartbeat thrumming through my veins because in that sound, I will find my way back to her. As always, the moment I focus upon her, everything else seems to melt away.
At first, I check Elizabeth’s room and find her unmade bed empty, so I start through the house, knowing she must be near or I wouldn’t have sensed her here. The connection is never wrong. As I head through the house, I find Jimmie sitting in the recliner watching a baseball game as he nurses a beer and smokes a cigarette. The volume is all but muted, so I doubt he’s really paying much mind to the screen. It’s just white noise meant to fill the emptiness.
Puzzled, I head out to the back yard, and that’s where I find her as she sits on the back stoop with Griffin, who seems to be watching her carefully, his face a studious frown that seems more honest than I remember. He’s sitting with one arm around Elizabeth, and she lays her head on his shoulder while staring off into space.
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