by A. J. Byrd
I haven’t told anybody about what happened, and I don’t plan to, either. So far it looks like he’s kept his big mouth shut, too. In a strange way, I’m both relieved and hurt at the same time. But with all this talk about Phoenix being pregnant I’m starting to worry that that pathetic performance might turn me into a baby mama, too. God, I hope not.
More than anything, I’m mad at myself. Now, I’m not going to sit here and claim to be so self-righteous that I was waiting for my wedding night to lose my virginity, but I was hoping that my first time would be with someone special. I’m not saying that I believe Christopher was that guy…I mean, I think I was more or less overwhelmed that someone from the cool set was paying me any attention. After all, Anjenai had Romeo, so why couldn’t I attract his best boy? In truth, the whole evening went so fast. We were kissing, his tongue was down my throat and the next thing I knew he was taking me to a bedroom where the lights were out. I don’t know how I lost control of the situation. In the end, I can’t claim that Chris forced himself on me or anything like that. The bottom line is that everything happened too fast. Afterwards he treated me like trash.
I sniff, and Nicole, who I forgot was walking beside me, glances over at me. “Are you all right?”
“Yeah. I’m fine,” I lie and glance over. “So where’s your sister today?”
Nicole rolls her eyes. “Half sister,” she reminds me. “I don’t know. I don’t keep tabs on what the hell she does.”
There’s no question that Nicole and Phoenix have no love lost between them. In a lot of ways it’s kind of hard to believe that they’re even related. Whereas Phoenix is this ultra-evil skinny bitch, Nicole is an overly sweet, plus-size klutz just struggling to fit in somewhere—anywhere. Sure, she can be a little annoying from time to time with her overeagerness, but you can’t help but like her. She gets mad respect for jumping into that fight at the party. It takes a lot to go against your own sister. Since that time the BFFs have adopted her. She’s officially a part of our group. We’ve never done that before. Sure, we have other friends outside of our group, but we’ve never invited any of them into our close circle. Loyalty means a lot to us.
“Why are you asking about Phoenix?”
“I don’t know. I guess I was just wondering if having the whole school gossip about her situation was getting to her.”
“Oh, please. Phoenix loves being the center of attention. I wouldn’t put it past her if this was part of some huge master plan to sink her claws back into Romeo.”
“What? You think she’s faking a pregnancy to get him back? Wouldn’t that be a little—”
“Extreme?”
“I was going to say crazy.”
“It could be either or both,” Nicole laughs.
“You know her better than I do, but I don’t see it. The type of gossip going around isn’t what I imagine her risking her spot on the varsity cheerleading squad over.”
Nicole shrugged. “Good point. I hadn’t thought about that.”
“You hadn’t?”
“Nope.”
“When was the last time you saw a pregnant cheerleader bouncing around, yelling, ‘Give me an R!’?” Nicole laughs.
I can tell that the idea of Phoenix losing her spot on the varsity squad is tickling her fancy. Her smile is stretching wider than her face. We enter the cafeteria as I remember how disastrous it was for Nicole when she tried out with me for the freshman cheerleading squad. Let’s just say grace and coordination aren’t exactly my girl’s strong suits. She landed on the pep squad instead.
“Has she told her parents?” I ask. “About the pregnancy, I mean.”
“I doubt it. I’m not aware of my father having a heart attack—which he will when he finds out.”
“And you haven’t been tempted to drop a dime on her yourself?” I’m not advocating that she try to induce a heart attack in her father, but given how much Phoenix has made her life a living hell, I’d figure that Nicole would leap at the chance to kick Phoenix off that high-ass pedestal their father has her perched on.
“Believe me. I thought about it. And if it wasn’t for people’s tendency to shoot the messenger I would have called him that night after we were kicked out the party. Nah. This is Phoenix’s mess, and I want no part of it. Besides,” she adds after thinking about it for a second, “I think my father would force them to get married, and that would be just up Phoenix’s alley.”
“Really?”
“Either that or tell her to get an abortion. I can’t decide which.”
My heart drops. “What? You really think that he would do that?”
“If she’s not too far along. Maybe. He wouldn’t like the idea of having a pregnant teenage daughter. It would reflect badly on him.”
“Even if it was you?”
“What—the bastard child? That’s a horse of a different color.”
It’s right on the tip of my tongue to ask whether that means she believes that her father campaigned for her mother to terminate her pregnancy with her, but I manage to catch myself and not go there. Still, the idea of being forced to have an abortion is appalling to me and has me hating her father over a hypothetical situation. Go figure.
“That still leaves open the possibility that Phoenix got pregnant on purpose,” Nicole says.
Now, that blows my mind. “You think she would really do something like that?”
“I wouldn’t put anything past Phoenix. I mean. C’mon. Every idiot knows that it just takes one time to get pregnant. Right? Why didn’t they have any protection?”
My heart sinks. “Right.”
BFF Rule #8
Stay true in good times and in bad.
five
Nicole—Watching from the Sidelines
I ain’t even going to lie. The idea that Phoenix’s perfect world may be crashing down around her head is doing nothing but putting a smile on my face. After all, the blood flowing between us has never meant much to her, so why should it mean anything to me? God knows that I’ve tried I don’t know how many times to be a true sister—let alone a friend—only to have my efforts laughed at and ridiculed.
To be truthful, I have thought about dropping a dime on Phoenix several times, in fact. But what I told Kierra is the truth. People shoot the messenger all the time. Of course, there is that thin possibility that if my father is disappointed in Phoenix he will then start looking toward me a little more favorably, but the chances of that are so minuscule that it’s not really worth the risk.
I’m not as pretty as Phoenix, and my failed attempt to land on the cheerleading squad has done more damage to my ego than I tend to let on, but none of that means that somehow I deserve less love. The situation with my father is best described as: f—ed up.
My father, a successful and upstanding member in the world of finance once upon a time, strayed from his wife’s bed, had an affair with my mother and ta-da. My mom, more or less, uses me to get money, jewelry and whatever else she can think of out of him. As far as receiving love, nurturing and all that other good stuff, I can hang it up. I swear it seems like I spend half my life wishing that I was Phoenix. She is the one who lives in the big fancy house, has her own car at fifteen and is latched onto the arm of the captain of the football team. Could it get any more perfect than that?
It’s all superficial, and it’s all not supposed to mean anything. Blah. Blah. But isn’t that just what people who don’t have those things tell themselves so they can feel better? If I’m wrong, it certainly doesn’t feel that way.
As for my parents, they’re not supposed to still be messing around. At least, that’s the lie that they try to keep selling to Phoenix and her mother. I keep my mouth shut about that, too. What can I say? I’m just a treasure trove of secrets. No one expects me to talk, but I certainly dream about it.
I bet that would get everyone’s attention. Phoenix’s mother would stop pretending I don’t exist. Phoenix would stop the Redbones from picking on me. And my dad…that’s a big blank. I d
on’t know what to hope for with our relationship.
The person who has always been nice to me, surprisingly, is Romeo. And he never allowed his boys Chris and Shadiq to talk out the sides of their necks toward me. Which is why I think I’m genuinely surprised how that whole ugliness at Shadiq’s party went down. It seems completely out of character for him to treat Anjenai like he did. I’m more than disappointed in him. Seeing that side of him, I now think that he and Phoenix deserve one another.
I don’t have any regrets coming to the BFFs’ defense that night. The BFFs are the only real friends I’ve ever had. Actually, it felt pretty good to finally fight back. I reach out and grab my slice of pizza. Before I shove it into my mouth. I catch a strange look from Kierra.
“What?” I ask her.
Kierra’s little shoulders bob up and down. “Nothing.” She stabs her salad and then shovels it into her mouth.
Anjenai plops down next to us. “Where’s Tyler?” she asks.
“Don’t know,” I say. “I haven’t seen her since first period.”
“Humph!” Anjenai pulls out her brown-bag lunch and proceeds to attack the bologna sandwich.
“I’m sure she’s around here somewhere,” Kierra says, unconcerned. “Most likely she’s in the principal’s office for fighting with someone again.”
I nod, because in the short time that I’ve known Tyler, I’ve learned that the girl loves to fight for any and all reasons.
“I don’t think we can talk,” Anjenai observes. “Seeing how we tend to get in just as many.”
“That’s because we’re her backup,” Kierra points out.
“Exactly.”
We all share a chuckle.
“Eventually, we’re going to have to talk to her about all this fighting,” Kierra says.
I laugh. “What? Like an intervention?”
“Something. Tyler is just begging to go to juvie, and I ain’t trying to go out like that.”
“It’s not that bad,” Anjenai says.
“You’re in denial,” Kierra retorts. “It doesn’t help that she’s been spending a lot of time with Michelle and Trisha—you know, the girls who used to hang with Billie Grant.”
“You’re kidding,” Anjenai says.
Kierra shrugs. “That’s what I heard.”
We stare at her like she just told us that she believes in UFOs. Anjenai’s gaze shifts over to me. “Have you heard about this?”
“I think I’ve seen her with Michelle in the hallway before, but I didn’t think that they were friends friends, you know.”
“Are you sure?” Anje asks Kierra again.
“Yeah. They were hanging out pretty heavy during the time that y’all two were really beefing. I thought it was strange, but dismissed it.”
Anje glances back over to me. “Maybe we do need an intervention.”
“That’s going to go well,” I say dubiously. The first time I ever met Tyler she was talking wild and putting Romeo in his place when he stepped to her. For a minute there, I actually thought that he had a thing for Tyler and not Anjenai. In fact, I was sure of it. The way things are shaping up I’ll need a flowchart to keep up with this high-school soap opera.
“Okay,” Anje says, clapping her hands together. “How about we plan a sleepover at her place, since her father is always gone and there’s no room at my place.”
Kierra shook her head. “I have to watch McKenya at night while Deborah’s working. Let’s have it at my place.” She turns to me. “Think you can come?”
The very idea of a sleepover thrills me. I’ve never been invited to a sleepover. “Sure. When?”
“How about this weekend? Saturday night?”
“Count me in,” I say, probably a little too eager to spend my first night in the projects. That must be what leads me to ask, “It is safe, isn’t it?”
Kierra and Anjenai laugh.
My face reddens with embarrassment, I say, “Okay. Stupid question. Forget I asked.”
I glance down at my tray, and I’m surprised to see that I’ve eaten everything without realizing it. That’s been happening a lot. I eat, but I never really get full. One thing’s for sure, my clothes are definitely getting tighter. Maybe I’ll go on a diet tomorrow. But I kind of tell myself that every day. I’ll start tomorrow. I’ll start tomorrow. That’s the story of my life.
The truth is, the minute I tell myself that I’m on a diet and I can’t have something sweet or fattening, then all of a sudden I want it ten times more. Diets don’t last just a couple of days with me. They last just a couple of hours. The bottom line is that I’m an emotional eater. I eat when I’m sad. I eat when I’m stressed. I eat when I’m bored.
The bell rings, and we all pop out of our chairs like jack-in-the-boxes.
“This weekend,” Anjenai says. “Don’t forget.”
I grab my tray and rush over to stack it with the other dirty trays next to the garbage cans. When I’m halfway there, a pair of voices drifts over to me.
“Did you see how much food she put away? That girl is like a human garbage disposal.”
Laughter.
I turn and glance over my shoulder to see Bianca and Raven.
“What?” Raven challenges. “You got something to say, wide-ass?” The people at the table they’re standing next to start a ripple of laughter.
They turn and walk away, and I stand there like a fool while tears streak down my face.
six
Romeo—Trapped
It’s killing me that she won’t talk to me—even though I can’t blame her. I did take her to Shadiq’s party and then abandon her to talk to Phoenix. The way the whole situation went down, I was more shocked about becoming a father than anything else—I’m still in shock. I wish I knew how to fix all of this. If I could just get five minutes alone with her. No interruptions and without a whole school of kids milling around us, so I can just explain what happened that night. Even then I don’t think it would do any good. What I did was pretty messed up.
How many ways can someone say that they’re sorry? How many times? What will it take for the other person to believe you?
“Damn, man. You got it bad.”
I glance up to see Shadiq, who’s smiling and shaking his head. “What?”
“You heard me. You got it bad. I mean, damn, have you even heard a word we’ve said in the last five minutes?”
I glance to my right to see Chris looking at me and shaking his head.
“C’mon. You know I got a lot on my mind.”
“Yeah. It looks like you still have Anjenai on your mind,” Shadiq concludes as we herd out of the cafeteria and head toward the gym.
“You’re a strange brother,” Chris says. “I’ll tell you that. Exactly how many baby mamas are you trying to make, anyway?” he laughs.
“Ha. Ha. You’re a regular Chris Rock.”
“Me? You were the one trying to stare a damn hole in the girl’s head during lunch. Shit. If you want to talk to her so bad, why didn’t you just walk your ass over there? Or were you scared she and her girls were going to open another can of whup-ass on you?” He and Shadiq laughed.
I just shake my head because I don’t have a defense. I did want to go over and try to talk to Anjenai again, but feared she or her girls would make a scene. Isn’t that the reason girls travel in packs?
“Aw.” Chris nods. “Li’l bookworm won’t give you the time of day now, huh?”
“Man, get out my face with that nonsense.”
“Shit. Have you seen yourself lately?”
To my right, Shadiq lifts his camera phone and snaps a picture. He takes a look, shakes his head and then shows it to me. “Crying shame, man. You need to pull it together before people start thinking you’re in love with someone other than your baby mama.”
They crack up again while I swat the phone away. “I got ninety-nine problems, and y’all are two of them.”
My boys continue to laugh at my silly ass as we enter the boys’ locker room to dress up
for gym. “Why are you giving me a hard time, anyway?” I say to Chris. “Didn’t you go to the party with Anje’s girl Kierra?”
The smile fell off Chris’s face. I must have hit a sore spot.
“Man, forget that l’il bitch. She ain’t about nothing but wasting a brother’s time.”
“Ah. That must mean that she didn’t give you none,” Shadiq howls.
“Sheiiit.” Chris twists up his face. “When have you ever known me to strike out? I don’t play that. I’m the original panty dropper.”
Me and Shadiq crack the hell up over that.
“Nah. Nah, man. I’m being for real.” Chris’s chest swells up as he boasts. “I hit that shit at the party.”
My laugh fades a bit as I try to evaluate whether he’s telling the truth or not.
“Puh-lease,” Shadiq says. “We supposed to believe that you was with that girl and you ain’t said shit about it? I ain’t never known you to hold water.”
Chris shrugs his shoulders as he opens his locker. “What’s there to tell? I hit it and split it. That’s a regular Friday night for me.”
“Man, you’re full of shit,” Shadiq concludes.
Our disbelief seems to agitate Chris. “Nah, man. I’m being straight up. That girl was all over me that night. The shit didn’t come no easier. I gave her a little something to drink so she could get her buzz on, we started sucking on each other’s necks and then I led her to one of the bedrooms and pounded her into the headboard for a few minutes.” He tossed up his hands like he’d scored a touchdown. “Now what y’all know about that?”
I look Chris up and down and I think I’m starting to believe him. “Sooo what happened? You slept with the girl and then turned around and kicked her out of the party?” I ask, trying to wrap my brain around what he was saying.
Chris shrugs his shoulders. “Hell, I was done.”
