by Rita Hestand
She shrieked, and turned away. "I'm not dressed."
"You sure aren't," His eyes glazed over and he turned around to give her some privacy. "Sorry, I didn't realize."
"What are you doing here?" she demanded to know in a not too friendly tone.
"Well…I ran into Mrs. Granger, she told me you aren't going to the dance."
"That's right." Millie snapped as she hurriedly got back into her cotton dress. When she turned around to look at him, she noted how well he had cleaned up, wearing black pants, a clean white shirt, with a black bolero tie and a handsome black hat. He looked so handsome she could hardly take her eyes from him.
"Why not?"
She shrugged, "Why not what?"
He whirled around looking from her barefeet to the top of her hair. "Why aren't you going?" He firmed his jaw.
She put her shoes on. "Well, it seems the good intentioned Mrs. Newton and I are not the same size. Even before the baby. And I won't go in this dress, I'm sure the ladies will be wearing their finest. That's all right, I don't need to go to some old dance."
"Oh," He nodded. "Well, I did some finagling and…I brought you this…" He handed her a package still not looking.
"What is it?"
"It's that dress you were lookin' at in the store." He replied smugly.
"How'd you know I was looking at a dress?" She quipped, as she came to stand in front of him.
"Does it matter?" He asked finally relaxing, seeing she was fully dressed now. "Put it on, and let's go to the dance."
"It's probably not fancy enough for the dance…anyway. I just liked the colors and how it was made. But it's not a fancy gown, as I'm sure some will be wearing silks and satins."
"It's a nice dress, and people will be wearing all manner of things as this is not Boston or Philadelphia." his voice was indulgent. "Just try it on…will you?"
She grabbed the package and undid it. It really was the dress she had admired. She gasped when she realized it was the right size and the right dress. "You bought this for me? Why?" Her eyes were big, round, and full of surprise.
"It's not polite to ask such questions," He cleared his throat. "But…I'd like you to wear it."
Hurriedly she slipped off her old dress as she motioned for him to turn around she slipped the new one on.
She pulled her hair behind her shoulders and looked up, "You can turn around now."
He whirled about and his mouth hung open.
"It suits you, it really does." He murmured. "And you sure fill it out, nicely…" He blurted.
She saw his embarrassment and chuckled aloud. She went to her old dress, and took something from the pocket, then folded the dress away and turned to hand him the money back.
"I don't need this, now!" She said.
But when their hands touched electricity shot through her. "Thank you…. for the dress. I so wanted it."
"My pleasure," he smiled. "And I have to tell you, I’m very glad I got it. You look beautiful Millie, it suits you."
"How could you have known which dress I liked."
"Some things are best kept secret." He smiled.
She looked down at the dress and saw that part of the hem was turned up. She reached down to kiss it.
"What in the world was that for?"
She smiled in reflection and shook her head with a slight chuckle. "Mama always said if your dress hem is turned up, you'll get a new one if you kiss it. Just thought I'd test that theory." She laughed.
It was a melodious sound to laugh aloud even to her own ears.
He came closer and tipped her chin up with the crook of his finger. He stared into her dark brown eyes with curious intent, and then he leaned to gently touch his lips to hers. It was simply a sweet kiss.
But it flustered her.
"Why'd you do that?" She asked breathlessly when he raised his head slowly.
He pulled away and smiled sexily, "A woman is never prettier than when she blushes."
Her dark eyes sparkled.
"Shall we?" He crooked his arm and offered it to her. She looped her arm in his and smiled.
At the hall where the dance was being held, the music was already going. People were gathered in small little groups, talking, laughing, enjoying the atmosphere.
Mr. and Mrs. Newton sidled right up to Millie. "Oh that's a pretty dress, but what happened to the one I gave you?" Mrs. Newton beamed.
"Sorry, but it didn't fit."
"Oh, well, yes, now I can see why."
"Well now, lookie here, it's Millie and Joe…" A.J. said loudly.
Several gathered to greet them, and offer them punch.
Wilma had a huge smile on her face. "My two favorite people together. And look at the two of you. My, you clean up well…"
They all laughed.
A.J. glanced at Mrs. Granger, "Shall we give it a whirl?"
"Thought you'd never ask." She shot him a flirty grin. "Do you mind?" She glanced around at the others, "Well what are you all standing around for, this is a dance, isn't it?"
"Would you do me the honor?" Joe asked Millie as he put her punch down and took her into his arms.
They danced together, one was a Virginia reel, and another was a waltz. He held her in his arms and she began to relax. They seemed to fit perfectly together, and the way he led on the dance floor made it easy to follow. Finally, he offered her his arm and led her out on the veranda for some fresh air.
"So, you glad you came?"
"Yes," she smiled. "You know it's funny, when I was in school there were dances and most of the time I never went. Mainly because I wasn't asked, but, I don't know, I felt guilty for not using the time to study."
"You weren't asked, that's hard to believe." He smiled.
"Well, not really. I was studying medicine, that was not something the boys and men could tolerate well. I was sort of purposely shunned, you might say. I still don't understand what sex has to do with medicine."
"Must have been kind of hard for you." He frowned.
"At first, it hurt my feelings. Then I began to realize that it wasn't me they were shunning, it was a woman in medicine they hated. There were very few women in my class, only two others. One dropped out to marry and the other went on to finish but…I saw her later, and she wasn't doing well. It seems strange to me, in a sophisticated world like Philadelphia that no one would accept a woman as a doctor. I mean, out here, in the west…they accept it a little better, than there. Perhaps because medicine is needed so badly here."
He seemed to think about that a minute then he added, "Well out here, we need more doctors. Like we need more women."
"I guess that's true…"
"But with more women, you'd surely get into more trouble."
She leaned against a post and stared up at the moon. On the prairie the moon always looked bigger than it was.
"Pretty isn't it?" He sighed as he leaned against the railing.
"Yes, it looks so big out here, as though if you reached up you could touch it." She laughed.
"It's nice to hear you laugh for a change Millie. You haven't done much of that since you came."
She smiled shyly at him, then changed the subject.
"How long have you scouted for A.J.?"
"Oh, nigh on to five years now." Joe admitted.
"Do you like this kind of work?" She asked staring at him.
"I'm used to it. Yeah, I guess. It's a living." He scuffed his boot on the boardwalk, "I never gave anything else much thought, until now."
"Oh, you have new plans?"
"Maybe…"he grinned sexily.
She wouldn't ask what those plans might be, she wouldn't be around to see them. And a sadness hit her square in the stomach. She changed her tack. The way that hit shocked her.
"Why'd you lie to Wilma about being married and having a child." She asked her voice going lower. "You don't seem like the type of man to lie."
His eyes penetrated her. "I told you, she's been trying to marry me off this whole trip. I f
ound lyin' is easier than trying to explain the truth. When I find the right woman, no one will have to match make for me…"
"The right woman? Is there such a thing?"
"If you'd have asked me a couple of months ago, I'd have probably said no. But…now…I'm not so sure." Now he came closer, closing in on her, his eyes pinned her to the spot. "It only took an Indian ceremony and a Shaman to show me the way." His voice went husky, as he kept staring at her.
Her mouth opened and he tipped her chin up gently. The longing for his protective arms made her almost shiver with anticipation. Her heart thudded, her mind blanked save for him, and her arms stretched to bring his head down so their lips could meet in an explosion of passion. She needed this as badly as he did. His arms went around her holding her firmly against him. Their lips were like fusing metal, gradually melting into each other.
A sigh escaped her, this was where she ached to be, where she secretly knew she belonged. Dear God, she belonged with Joe Modoc. Was it true? His kisses said yes!
His warm sweet mouth commanded her response. His lips explored her, hungrily, moving over her cheek around her ear, down her neck and back up to her waiting lips.
When he raised his head he saw the brilliance of her submission staring back at him with wonder.
There were no rational words to explain themselves.
Her arms rested on his chest now, not wanting to move away yet, not wanting to break the spell between them. Her breathing was erratic, her mind didn't operate, and when some people passed them, he dipped his head and kissed her again, as soon as they were alone again.
This time when he pulled away, he slanted her a sexy grin, "This is what happens when you don't take a honeymoon."
She couldn't stop the laughter, but she laid her head on his chest and soaked him in. It felt so good to relax in his arms and not be defensive. She liked Joe, just being able to be herself around him made her relax and enjoy her time with him. He seemed to welcome her for now.
"You always manage to make me laugh." She sighed, as her arms ran up and down his. "What happened to us just now, Joe? Why'd you kiss me like that?"
He pulled away far enough to look her in the eyes. "Well, I don't know, but I'd say that one day soon, maybe we'll figure it out, before this trip is over."
She clung to him now, "Are we really married."
"That depends, do you want to be?"
"Part of me wants to say yes, right now. Another part wants me to be very sure, first. And the last part of me wants to refute it, so I can finish what I started."
He nodded. "I think you are right. We need to step back a little, get to know each other better and then see what the answer is."
She nodded. "We were kind of rushed into that ceremony."
"Then I'll pay court to you, and if it works out, we'll go get hitched by a white preacher, so that no one can break us apart."
"That sounds reasonable, I guess but…it kind of interferes with what I set out to do Joe. I have to think of my family."
He pulled her chin up into the moonlit night, "And sometimes, the best thing you can do, is let nature take it's course."
"Under any other circumstances, I'd agree with you, but, I'm not doing this for myself Joe. I have no feelings for Matt Hudson, never did have. But…it's for my family…"
"It's wrong Millie, all wrong. You just said you have no feelings for the man."
"I owe my family, Joe…" She cried.
"Then I guess there's no use courting you, is there? Let's get back to the others now." He grumbled sending her a frown.
Chapter Ten
Joe escorted her home from the dance early. He studied her for a long moment in the moonlight. A certain amount of frustration seemed to electrify the air between them.
"You're a stubborn woman Millie, and I hope you can accomplish what you want in life. But I sure hate to see it. As long as you're thinking like that, I better be keeping my distance."
"Why?" She cried turning to look into his handsome face, wishing she'd never brought Matt Hudson up tonight. Wishing he'd kiss her again, knowing he wouldn't.
"You can't care for two men at once." He said gruffly and walked off.
"But I don't love Matt Hudson," she whispered as he walked away.
She thought maybe he'd kiss her goodnight, but that never happened. He seemed almost angry.
She watched him leave and something inside her wanted to call to him, to throw caution to the wind and go after him. She simply couldn't do it. She couldn't be that selfish.
She'd set out to do the right thing, hadn't she? Marrying Matt Hudson would save the Shenandoah, and her family, wouldn't it? That was more important than what lay in her heart. Wasn't it?
But for the first time in her life someone else was important to her. Joe! No man in her entire life had treated her so special. Nor kissed her like she was the only one.
Despite her resolve not to cry or feel sorry for herself any longer, she failed miserably. The tears came like a rushing river. What a mess she was making. Joe's kisses promised her a heaven on earth. But her family obligation kept getting in the way. If there had been another way, she'd have already took it. The letter to Matt Hudson was already mailed. He would be expecting her. If she didn't show up now, he'd take the Shenandoah from her family quickly. She knew that without doubt. If she could raise the money needed, she'd send it to him, but there was no way for a girl to make a living, even a girl with an almost degree!
What could she do?
Her heart told her she belonged with Joe, but her head told her she had obligations to fulfill. It was the one selfless act in her entire life! If the sacrifices her family had made for her benefit hadn't been so great, she might not feel so obligated, but she'd lived a life of luxury up until this happened. She'd been spoiled. And getting an education had taught her so much about herself. And one of those things was not to be selfish any longer.
Wilma heard her crying that night but she didn't say a word.
However, the next day when Joe rode by he didn't even speak to Millie. He averted his gaze. Wilma noticed.
When Millie kept to herself so much Wilma asked her about it.
"Wilma, when I leave, it's gonna be hard enough saying goodbye to you. The less involved I am with everyone the better."
"I never wanted to bring this up, because it plainly isn't my business but I know something happened in that Indian Village back there. The two of you haven't been the same since. Millie, life is about loving and hurting and living. You aren't living, you're existing." With that she walked off and didn't look back.
Millie felt the strain between them.
Two days later another wagon train showed up. John Mills was the wagon master and he and A.J. talked for a long while. John had thirty wagons, by joining together they could go on. They were headed for Oregon too.
After a long talk it was settled and they would move onward the next day.
A.J. had Joe pass the word.
Joe rode up to Wilma's wagon, as they were making the evening meal. "We'll be pulling out in the morning. We're joining forces with the Mills train."
Wilma nodded, "All right, we'll be ready. Thanks for letting us know."
He nodded and started to ride off but Wilma hailed him over, "Want to join us for supper."
"I better make sure the rest of the train knows we're pulling out, but thanks anyway." Joe tipped his hat to her and although he shot Millie a glance he didn't smile or nod to her.
"I don't mean to pry, but I worry about you Millie. I thought you were having a good time the other night at the dance, did something happen?" Wilma asked.
"A lot, but I'm not ready to talk about it yet." Millie said and looked out on the prairie as the gate was open. "Guess we'll be on our way again."
Wilma glanced out, then back at her. "Are you anxious to leave?"
"Of course, I've got to go to Independence Rock, remember?" Millie smiled.
"So that's it?" Wilma nodded and set her ja
w as she stirred the stew she was cooking.
"What are you talking about?"
"You and Joe were doing just fine, last time I looked and then you brought up Hudson, didn't you?" Wilma accused.
Millie firmed her resolve, "That's why I'm here, Wilma, and you know it."
Wilma huffed, "When are you gonna grow up and realize that you can't save the world Millie?"
That did it! Millie broke into tears and scrambled to the other side of the wagon.
Wilma followed.
"I'm sorry Millie. I had no right to say that. It's just I know how right you and Joe are together and yet you are intentionally letting him slip away." Wilma scolded. "He's quite a catch you know, and some girl is going to snatch him up, if you don't do something."
"I understand you are well-meaning Wilma and I really don't want to dwell on this." she cried. "I'm here for a purpose and I really don't want to talk about that any more. I don't want to think about what I'm doing any more. For once in my life I'm doing something for someone other than myself. I need to feel good about it."
"Honey, this is something that will change the rest of your life. And married to a man you can't stand for that long will make you a bitter and frustrated old woman."
Millie straightened herself, "Not if I don't let it. I mean there has to be some good in the man, doesn't there?"
"How long have you known this man?"
"Since I was thirteen…But I don't really know him. I can't properly judge him, because of it."
"Did you see any good in him all that time."
Millie looked at her. "Maybe I didn't look hard enough." Millie frowned. "Maybe I've drawn conclusions over time about him. I don't know. And Wilma for my sanity's sake I don't want to talk about him. I just want to get there."
"And what if this Matt Hudson reneges on his promises?" Wilma protested.
"He can't do that!" Millie cried out.
"Don't bet on it, Millie. Don't you dare bet on it. If he's as mean as you say, he probably will."
"I want you to know, I'm not intentionally letting Joe slip away, I realize how exceptional he is. You have to realize that life isn't a fairy tale Wilma. Sometimes things don't work out." Millie sobbed now. "Even good things."
