by Rita Hestand
"You owe me no explanations," she smiled sweetly, and grabbed her basket to walk back to camp, but he jerked her about by the elbow.
"What difference does it make to you one way or another, you've got a man waiting for you, don't you?" He frowned into her surprised face.
Faced with the truth, she was agape. What could she say?
"It doesn't make the slightest difference to me, and you're right!" She started to leave but he took her hand and led her to a tree where he pinned her. "I'm sorry I brought it up."
"Look," His eyes traveled her. "I talk to a lot of women on this train, for your information. Not just her."
"I'm sure you do." She nodded. "And," she paused shielding her claws. "It is absolutely none of my business. Nor who you see, nor who you talk to, nor…"
She couldn't finish because he hauled her into his arms and kissed her like there was no tomorrow. The basket fell to the ground. And she couldn't move anything, but her lips against his. It was impossible not to respond to a kiss like that. Her heart started hammering so loud, she knew he could hear it.
She was at a point of total submission when he pulled away from her. He stared into her eyes now, seeing the raw feelings surfacing and not knowing how to deal with them.
His big hands held her at arm's length, one hand cupped a cheek, his thumb moving absently at her cheek. "To tell the truth, every bit of it is your business." His eyes bore into her like darts, aiming for her heart. "Just like you're my business. When they put that white blanket over us, everything changed for me. And despite the fact that you still want to marry this Hudson character, a man you can't stand, and quit your doctoring, and give up all your dreams for something that could be settled another way, I'll never believe it's what you really want. But you can't say what's really in you heart, and until you can, that stands between us. It's like a wall you're building to keep me out. You are burying yourself for dirt, well, live with that dirt. That dirt won't hold you in the middle of the night when you're afraid. It won't cuddle with you when you are lonely. It's land, land can be bought and paid for other places. But not for you, huh? It's got to be the Shenandoah. The best, because deep down you're still the little spoiled rich girl. Wanting your way or no way. Your quitting school was a mistake, quitting life is a tragedy. You'll spend a lifetime being miserable and one day you'll look in the mirror and you'll be old and you'll cry because of it. And no one will be there to care."
Her mouth flew open to say something but he went on now.
His eyes stared through her to her heart.
"Until you give up this dream of saving the world, I can't tell you how I feel either."
"Joe…" she cried.
"From the moment I first laid eyes on you, I knew you'd change my life forever. I ran from it. I turned my back on you. I put up a wall, just like you are now. I figured you would reject me because I'm a breed. When you didn't, I loved you even more. But, I understand those walls, Millie. The minute I tore mine down, you built one. But mark my word, I'm married to you…in here! And I always will be." His voice went soft and husky, as his fist fell upon his heart, his eyes devouring her. "That will never change, for I've taken part of your heart, and made it mine. When they placed the white blanket over us, we were married. Today I tell you, I love you truly. Today I claim your heart. That will never change either. No matter where you go, or what you do, my heart is with you. Don't you understand it yet?"
He stared forever.
Suddenly she jumped into his arms and held on for her life. "How could I ever be so foolish as to think I could leave you?" She cried, her kisses going all over his face until she met his lips with a sigh. He picked her up in his arms and twirled her into the air, as they both laughed.
"I love you Joe…" she finally said it aloud. "I can't deny it any longer. I love you!"
"I know," His glance gleamed. "I've known it a lot longer than you have. I was just waiting until you figured it out for yourself." He crushed her to him.
She pulled away to look into his eyes. "I knew it all along, but…my family."
"You can't save the world, Millie."
"I know. I'm realizing that day by day. Oh Joe…I want you to court me…"
"Court you? Aren't we passed that yet?"
She smiled and cuddled against him.
"Yes, we are…but…you see…I've never been courted before. I've never gone through all the sweet moments most girls have. I want to tell our children some day how their father courted me, after we married."
His eyes darkened with passion. "That's beautiful. Children." He kissed her again, branding her as his own. "All right, I'll court you. Gladly."
"And then…I want A.J. to marry us, so that no matter where we are, we'll be married…"
"I like that idea too." He smiled. "Very much in fact."
She twirled about, like a child, her eyes pinned on him as she came up to him again. "And then…when we get to Oregon, I want a honeymoon, just you and me…"
"Done!" He kissed her long and passionately.
"I want to work on the trains with you and A.J. and I want our home to be in Oregon, close to Wilma so she can visit often, and help me care for all the babies we'll have…" She jumped into his arms again and kissed him.
"Babies…I like that. When you took that little Indian boy in, I wanted to grab you up and kiss you for all you were worth. You've got a heart of gold, Millie. And I love you for it. It's not a love just on the outside, Millie. I love your bigger than Texas heart."
"He was so alone, and so afraid."
"I've never known anyone kinder than you. I could never turn away from your loving and giving heart."
"I want to see my folks again, and I want to visit the Kiowa village where we were first married…" She giggled.
"How long you been planning all of this?" He asked with speculation.
"I haven't. I just dreamed about it." She sighed with such peace and happiness. "I dreamed about it ever since the Indian village."
"And Matt Hudson? What about him?" He asked with a little trepidation.
"I promise you, that wall is down. I'll never speak of him again…" She promised. "I don't know what will happen, but I’m leaving that part of my life in God's hands. You are so right; I can't save the world."
"I've got a little plan of my own about all of that, but I think I'll save the surprise for our honeymoon. How's that."
"Plan, what kind of plan….?"
"No way, I'm saving that for last. From now on you aren't going to worry about Hudson or your family. Understand?"
A bond of trust had been building between them all this time and she was letting go of the martyr in her. "Oh Joe…I love you so!"
And this kiss was scorching hot, filled with promises and passion. This kiss spoke of dreams to come and fulfillment of those dreams.
He stared into her eyes, "I sure like the sound of babies, coming from you."
"I want your children Joe, as many as you like."
His head lowered, "I gotta admit, I never thought I'd have children of my very own. I sure like the sound of it though. Beautiful little girls that look like their mother."
"And strong boys, that look and act like their father." She giggled.
As they walked back to camp Wilma glanced up and stared at them. Seeing them hand in hand, with smiles on their faces made Wilma's smile widen.
"What's wrong?" Millie asked when she saw her perplexed face.
"Not a thing." She noted their arms around each other.
"Oh Wilma…it's all going to be all right now." Millie kissed her cheek.
Joe was beaming.
"I knew that. I knew that all along." She chuckled. "I knew I'd get the two of you together before this trip was over."
Chapter Seventeen
Chimney Rock was a site. It stood tall and majestic against the blue skies and flatlands around it.
Everyone admired it and everyone wanted to get closer.
When Wilma started for it, Millie
hung back.
"Aren't you comin'?" She asked.
"No, I'd rather just sit back and stare at it, it's so beautiful. You go on."
"But you gotta get up close to it. We may never pass this way again." Wilma protested.
"You go on…" Millie insisted. "You know it's funny, but walking along side the wagon so much, I thought you'd be so bone tired you wouldn't want to walk again."
"But I want to see it up close. It's beautiful. If I could paint, I'd paint a picture of it."
"What a lovely idea…" Millie said with such passion.
"Well, I'm gonna get closer. My feet don't hurt that bad yet."
"See you in a bit. Be careful."
"Ain't I always?"
Millie hobbled the mules and got out and stretched her legs.
Most of A.J. men hung back and watched. But she didn't see Joe, she knew he was working and she didn't fret, but Wilma had given her an idea.
She had gotten to know Eryk after his sister had gotten sick and found out he could draw just about anything. So she went to look him up.
"I want to surprise Wilma. Could you draw a picture of Chimney Rock, for her?"
"I think so. Yes. She would like it?"
"Oh yes, she'd treasure it forever."
"Then I will draw it for her now." He smiled.
"Thank you, and not a word to her, all right?"
He smiled and nodded.
She went back to the wagon and found a nice spot to sit and wait for Wilma to come back. She felt such a contentment with her life now. She wondered why it took her so long to see the truth of everything.
She'd been crazy to think she could save her family and marry Matt Hudson.
Sighing with happiness she smiled and stared at the rock.
A.J. came over to talk with her.
"How come you didn't go up there?"
"I don't know, it's just so beautiful to sit here and stare at." Millie smiled.
"You know; I wish you were on every trip. I could use a doc."
"A.J. I'm not really a doctor."
"You're not?"
"Not exactly, I quit a couple of weeks before I got my degree." She admitted. That still hurt. That was her biggest mistake, she decided. "I was and am a fool."
"Why?"
"Oh, family obligations mostly." She tried to make light of it.
"Can you go back and finish?"
"It's not that easy. I'd have to take the whole year over. And it's rather expensive."
"That is bad, I guess. But, you know, no one out here would have to know." He suggested.
"There is something I wanted to talk to you about."
"Oh, what's that?" He stared at her for a moment.
"I owe you for this trip…"
"Well no, you don't really. Mrs. Granger paid for it."
"She didn't?"
"Yep, she insisted. Said she counted you as hired help. Put that way I had to accept it."
"Then I owe her!"
"Looks that way."
"Oh A.J…. I can't pay it! At least not right now."
"I told you, she already paid it." He insisted.
"I can't repay her!"
"Well, that's between you and her, I guess." He smiled. "But knowing her, I don't think she'll mind. You've been a blessing to her girl. She couldn't handle those contrary mules of hers. And I think somehow you've kept her spirits up during the trip. She's getting up in age and she needs looking after. Before you came along her only bright spot was Joe, helping her with her mules. But now, she's perked up and joined the living so to speak."
Millie thought about that and tried to smile. But she was indebted. "You like her don't you?"
"Sure I do. She's a fine woman. If I didn't have this train, maybe I could do some looking after her myself."
"Why don't you tell her how you feel A.J. I have found that confession is good for the soul?"
"Tellin' don't come easy for men like me."
Millie knew that firsthand. "I want to apologize."
"For what?" He asked.
"For stealing onto your train like I did."
"Forget it. I have." He started to walk away. "You've more than made up for that, Millie. If you hadn't spoken up about the Cholera I would have had a lot more trouble getting that Mills bunch to go along with my idea of boiling the water."
"Glad I could help out. Besides, it saved us both some grief." Millie smiled as he walked off.
Why was everyone determined to be so nice? She didn't understand. Why weren't they all mad at her?
She sat leaning against the cottonwood and watched the crowd of people at the rock. It was fascinating. There was a smile of peace on her lips now and she was beginning to see things more clearly.
Wondering about her family she realized she missed them. She wondered how they might get along, and if they would be happy for her.
Suddenly the young girl came up to her. Millie sighed, she didn't know how to talk to the girl. Didn't know what to say, so she let her lead.
"Hi, you're Millie I'll bet." The girls said coming to stand in front of her.
"Hi, yes, that's right, how'd you know?"
The girl smiled, a brilliant smile. "Joe told me. Said you were a lady doctor."
Millie couldn't imagine why he'd mention her to this girl.
"Yes, I guess you could say that…" Millie hesitated.
"My name is Janet. Has he mentioned me?"
"Mentioned you, but he didn't say your name."
"Oh!" The girl was disappointed, Millie could tell.
Wanting her to feel good, Millie rushed to add, "But he said you were terribly beautiful. And he's right."
"He did!" She sighed.
So the girl was smitten with Joe.
Millie smiled. "Sit down, won't you. I was just watching all of the people going up to the rock. It's beautiful isn't it?"
"Yeah, I stayed behind, thinking I'd see more of Joe that way, but the wagon master sent him on ahead to scout for Indians I guess." She said with genuine disappointment.
"Don't worry, he'll be back." Millie encouraged.
"I think he's wonderful, and so handsome…"
Millie tried to sound encouraging but the more the girl gushed over Joe, the more she wished she could crawl under a rock.
"Your father lives in Oregon?" Millie asked, changing the subject.
"Yes, I was staying with my Uncle through the summer, but since the train was headed for Oregon I thought maybe I should go home before winter sets in."
"Been away long?"
"Two years now. I've been at finishing school. I'm anxious to get home and see my father. This land is sure flat isn't it. I can't get use to it." Janet laughed. "No trees for miles."
"It is very flat, isn't it?" Millie laughed. "And boring, except for that rock."
"Very. But this train…I like it. I mean so much going on and happening. Joe's pointed out some of the pretty flowers along the way, even picked me a bouquet and we went riding a day or two. That was fun. I thought maybe he'd kiss me when we were alone like that, but no luck there. He's so interesting to talk to. I mean, he just brings everything to life."
This conversation was way too personal. The girl really had stars in her eyes with Joe. But it wasn't her place to talk to her. She was young and she thought she was in love and who was Millie to destroy it for her.
"Do you have beaus at home?" Millie asked.
"Oh no, you see we weren't there but a few months and father thought it much too lonely, so he sent me to a finishing school in Boston. I hardly know anyone in Oregon. But I am sixteen, Pa says I should be finding me a boy. But I've decided I'd rather have a man, a real man. You know? I certainly want one that knows more than I do. I sure wish Joe would kiss me, but he just keeps backing away."
"Does he ever give you a sign that he wants to?"
"Land sakes, I don't know. When I come up to him close, I hope, but it never happens. If anything he backs away from me."
"It could be your
age, Janet."
"I'm sure it is. But I'm more mature than he thinks. If he'd only pay attention."
Millie tried to smile but it was hard.
"Mr. Modoc is a very protective man, and he likes his job. He might feel a risk if he made improper advances toward you. You're still very young, Janet. And that can cause problems." Millie blurted. "Especially since it could mean his job. I mean you don't want to be the reason he loses his job, do you?"
"No, of course not. But I'd never let a man touch me, only kiss me…nothing wrong with kissing is there?"
Millie didn't want to get into this. It was not her place to tell her anything, but she knew for a fact that kissing led to thinking about other things. Things even she hadn't experienced yet.
"It's just that…never mind." Millie sighed and looked back at the rock.
"I want Joe to kiss me so bad, but he won't. I'm almost tempted to kiss him. Do you think I'm being too forward?"
Millie wanted to say just the right thing, the girl was young and had a lot to learn yet. "I think maybe it's the age gap there, hon." Millie tried to be tactful. "And a woman should always wait for the man to make the first move."
"Yeah, I know, I'm young, but if we got married I could have a passel of kids for him. And I'd always be younger than him. There are so many advantages. Why do you think he doesn't want to kiss me?"
"I have no idea." Millie smiled sympathetically. "Maybe he thinks he's too old."
"Oh he's not. Not at all. I wouldn't want him any younger. He's just right. Just what I want."
She started to say something and Joe rode up to them suddenly. The girl whirled around and gave him a brilliant smile.
"Thought you ladies would be up at the rock." He said eyeing first Janet then Millie.
"I'd rather just look at it from here." Millie gave him a knowing smile.
He stared at her now, his eyes lighting up.
"Well Janet, I think you better get back to camp." Joe told her.
"Oh, will you give me a lift?" She cast him a sweet look.
Joe glanced at Millie casting her an indulgent look, Millie smiled.
"Sure…hop on." He extended his arm and left with the girl.
Millie sighed, it was a strange thing to trust a man so much, but it felt good too. Joe had left no doubt as to how he felt about her and nothing would make her think differently. If love was truly built on trust, then they had a bond that would never break.
