by Sonya Jesus
I want nothing from her.
I don’t stop until I’m outside and across the street from The Reef, smelling the salt waves of the ocean.
I stare at the sea for a good fifteen minutes before Ledger calls to me. “You’ve had enough time to fuck a waitress in the bushes. Now can you please come back inside and help me with Vanessa? She’s acting like a prick to everyone.”
“She isn’t acting,” I blurt out.
“Truth.” Ledger chuckles. “Do you hear her?”
The sound of Vanessa’s cackle floats outside from the propped-open door. Some guy uses his foot to hold it open while he smokes.
“The fashion princess is all over me. Like suddenly my shit doesn’t stink anymore?”
I laugh. They made out at some point freshman year. “You into her? Thought she was just a freshman hookup.”
“She doesn’t fit my philosophy of life.” Ledger takes a seat on a large boulder bench, marking the part of the beach that’s private, and rests his feet up on one of the artificially smoothed edges.
“What philosophy is that?”
“Easy. My life’s going to be complex enough, I only want to fill my life with things I don’t have to worry about.” He pulls out a joint from his pocket and lights it up, cupping his hand at the end to shield the spark from the light breeze. “Vanessa is as complex as girls get around here.” He brings the lit blunt to his lips and inhales, releasing the smoke slowly before saying, “She’s manipulative.”
“This was all planned … from the second we stepped foot in here. She wanted me to come face-to-face with Rose.”
He nods in agreement.
Vanessa knew seeing the Thorn look-alike would throw me off my axis. “This morning makes a whole lot more sense and the big scene because of my things. That’s why she exploded.”
“Yeah, competition. I think she was trying to lock you down before you met the new girl.” He cocks his head toward the door. “Talking about the new girl.”
As much as I want to pretend she’s a hallucination, she looks too much like Thorn not to get lost in those eyes and wish for time to turn back. The guy puts an arm around her shoulder and leads her far away from us. “I can’t get over the fact that she looks just like her.”
“The girl from high school was a rag doll. The girl in there looks like a finely crafted porcelain figurine.”
“Still. It’s like looking at a fucking ghost.”
“Only to you.”
I sit down near his legs on the rock seat. Ledger grips my shoulder, squeezes, and passes me the joint. Tonight, I take it, because my ghosts feel real for the first time.
“You were kind of a dick. To both of them. And to the girl on your lap.”
I rub my forehead and rest my elbows on my thigh, leaning forward with one foot on the sand and the other on the sidewalk. “Vanessa deserves it, but the new girl probably hates me.”
“She’s got someone to console her tonight.” The words flow through my mind and land right on the clenched muscle of my heart. “They were pretty close in there.”
“Who is that, anyway?”
“Corbin…Teacher or something.” The way he says or something sounds off.
“What is it?” I hand his joint back and cradle my face in my hands. “Never mind, it doesn’t matter. How close is close?”
“Jealous?”
“Hell yeah.” I swivel my upper body around to stare him in the face. “Tell me Thorn died.”
“She died, man… But they never found her body.” He voices my silent thoughts.
In turn, I counter, “We saw Del Rio throw her body over. The footage captured her falling through the air for a few seconds.”
“In a leaked video that just so happened to show up a year after she died?”
“It was her,” I convince myself. This messed with my head so bad in high school I had to go to therapy. This was a dangerous road to tread down, so I rely on the things I learned. “You could clearly see Meryl’s face and Del Rio. They found Meryl’s body.”
“But no one else’s?”
I take the weed from his hand. I need it more than he does.
“We never saw Thorn hit the water. She wasn’t shot like Meryl.”
Why is he advocating it’s her? “You don’t survive drops like that, Ledger. It’s not possible. Not unless you’re in a barrel or something.”
He pulls his phone out and announces a search. “Horseshoe Fall Survivors.” I had already done this search before, so I’m not surprised when he announces, “She wouldn’t be the first to survive without something like that.”
“It’s not her!” I shout and rub my forehead. “Thorn would recognize me.”
“Not if she can’t remember you. You’re the one who told me your amnesia theory. She might have hit her head and can’t remember who she was.”
I hate him right now. “You’re not helping.”
“Before today, I didn’t know she existed.”
“But you agree she looks different. Like strangers who look alike. And what about the birthmark?”
He descends and sits next to me. “Good point. Maybe there are things that look the same, and we are just connecting them, hoping to make a Thorn-shaped image.” He holds his fingers up as he lists them. “Same height, same eyes, same skin color, similar cheek bones.”
“Same voice, I think. But that’s it.”
“Is that so bad? Even if it isn’t Thorn, maybe this is life giving you a second chance with your perfect girl.”
“What happened to ‘screw Thorn out of your system’?”
“I’m still pro screw, but I’m also pro you being happy.” He smiles. “This may also be the herb and tequila talking, but maybe you should ask her out on a date.”
I choke on the inhale. “Did you not see Vanessa’s claws? Asking this new girl out will make her life hell.”
He puts the blunt out on the rock and flicks it into the trash. “Stop thinking and do what feels right. I haven’t seen someone make you feel that sort of way in a long time. See where things go with the new girl. Maybe she’ll be into the whole roleplay thing. Or maybe it’s somehow her. You won’t know unless you get close.”
I look over my shoulder toward the direction she walked in. “I think the last thing she wants is to see me.”
“Maybe start with an apology.”
9
Penny Trails
Thorn
I always thought words hurt less than silence. The lack of word exchange means I’m not worthy of being spoken to. Like, my existence doesn’t affect him in any way, and worse … that it never did.
He had been my best friend once, the one person who I shared all my problems with—the only one who understood.
I blow a puff of air out through my parted lips and turn my head toward Corbin, who is messaging someone. Probably his boyfriend.
I’ve never been trusting or impulsive, or anything but scared of my next move. Scared to anger someone and get burned, scared to say the wrong thing and remind someone I existed. Scared of the backlash. Scared of the punishment.
As Penelope, my whole world revolved around fear.
As Rose, I just wanted Kai, but he’s not the Kai I remember.
Maybe I’m not the girl he remembers either.
“So, does the offer still stand?” I ask as my feet sink into the sand, my shoes are balanced on my fingers as we walk around the shoreline back to campus.
“What offer?” Corbin stops and hands me his white sneakers, which smell extremely clean. Like a hint of floral laundry detergent and bleach.
“Housemate.”
Corbin props one foot up on his thigh and rolls up his jeans, then repeats the process. “I thought you needed more time to think about it.”
I needed more time to explain it to my foster parents and the DEA, but I’d figure it out later. Obviously, getting close to Kai Madison isn’t going as planned. Either I tell him the truth and straight up ask, or I’ll never be able to stealth
ily figure out where the book is. “I rather be in a house than in a stuffy dorm?”
“You should know I rent it from the guy I house sit for. I take care of most of his things, forward his mail, and get the stuff he needs done, but it’s still kind of expensive for just one person.”
“How much is it?”
“Twelve hundred a month.” He smiles. “Six hundred each for the two of us. Everything is included. There’s a TV in each room, furniture, someone who cleans up twice a week, all the amenities, and me of course. There’s also security, and he keeps the fridge stocked.”
“Why?” That didn’t seem very expensive, but I guess it is.
“He stops in a few times a year, but nothing major. He does his thing and leaves. Usually spends the night out somewhere. Typical rich bachelor. This is his vacation home.”
“In Florida?” I get the feeling this guy’s his boyfriend.
“Well, one of his homes.”
“Can I check the place out?”
“Sure… Tonight?” He points back toward The Reef. “Because it’s that way.”
“Maybe tomorrow night?”
“Tomorrow I can’t, but the day after? We can grab a late dinner.”
“Yeah, I think I have the room at The Dungeon until Monday.”
“Are you going to tell the university you don’t need the room at The Lofts anymore?”
No. “I can do both. This way, if I stay late studying or if practice runs late, we have somewhere to crash on campus.”
“So you are going to be part of the play?”
“Well, I looked over my packets and it’s a requirement to finish, but I would be okay with a minor role.”
“Because of Vanessa?”
“She isn’t my kind of people. Plus, she and Kai Madison are always together.” I saw them go into the bathroom—the men’s bathroom—and I also saw a couple guys go down the hall and come right back. Breaking up for them is a little weird.
Corbin jogs ahead and walks backward, kicking up water as he goes. The phone in his front shirt pocket flashes, the light blinding me. I hold my hand up to shield my eyes when I hear someone from behind us.
He answers the call when the light turns to an actual ring, then brings the phone to his chest. “Give me ten minutes? I’ve got to take this.”
I nod and twirl around, but see nothing.
“Wait here. I’ll be right back.”
I take a seat on the ground, completely forgetting that it’s wet until my fingers hit the damp sand. Behind me, the campus lights faintly illuminate the cliff off in a distance. There are not as many people out here tonight. I guess most everyone is still at The Reef.
“Hey.”
The strong voice beside me startles me. Adjusting my phone to capture him in the light, I find myself looking up at the guy who ignored me just moments ago. I return the sentiment and remove the light from him. No amount of sorry is going to make the interactions we’ve had as adults any better.
With my face glued on the rush of waves, I pretend to be alone. His presence intimidates and overpowers, commandeering all my resolve. Finally, I snap, “Where’s your girlfriend?”
“My ex is probably cursing me out over something expensive.”
Ex. He’s got my attention.
“I’m sorry you got caught up in the middle of me and Vanessa.”
“How can I be caught in the middle?” I thread sand through my fingers. “I don’t even know her, and in the last two days, you’ve said about ten words to me. Doesn’t really qualify as getting to know a person.”
He sighs loudly. Glancing up at him quickly, I see his hand outstretched to my side. “Can I?”
I nod for him to take a seat and wait for him to answer.
“It’s a really long story.”
“You and Vanessa?”
“Everything about me is a long story.” He sounds so heartbroken.
“That’s what people say when they don’t want to share things about themselves.”
“Well, I don’t.”
Okay then.
“I’m not someone who likes to talk much.”
“Yep.” I trace shapes into the sand absentmindedly with my finger. “I figured that much.”
“It’s not you,” he clips.
My eyes lift to find him staring ahead of him, knees bent and a piece of driftwood in his hand. He waves it in the air like a conductor. “It’s fucking October.”
“You have a song called October.” I practically have the lines memorized. I hum it for a bit and sing the first verse, “‘If I could turn coins to paper… I’d make planes out of hundreds—set them on fire, and burn every October.’”
“You know my music?” He smiles. “Enough to know my lyrics?”
“It’s a great song.” Especially because it’s about me, or was before he changed the music. The original second verse started with If I could turn water to metal… my tears would be pennies. “I’ve heard you play online.”
“Yeah, we don’t do it as often anymore. This summer we got to play every week at The Reef.”
“Is that your major? Music?”
“I was undecided for a long time, and then last year I decided to switch. It’s hard to fit in a major in two years, especially when my first two years were geared toward science.”
“Big difference. What made you change?”
“It was hard,” he admits. “I’ve never been the best student, and most nerd classes are early mornings. We have rugby practice at eight a couple times a week. And games.”
“So, you preferred sports over science?”
“Guess so.”
“Do you want to go pro?”
“No!” He laughs huskily. “Rugby players aren’t the most well-paid athletes in the world, and it doesn’t call to me. Not like music.”
“So, you want to be a professional musician?”
“I haven’t gotten that far yet. I’m just trying to get through one thing at a time.” He seems kind of lost. When we were younger, he used to write lyrics down on notebooks and hum them on the halls or whenever he was alone. “What about you?”
“Theater and English.”
“Really? I didn’t peg you as a theater geek. A word-nerd maybe. But I can see you on stage.”
“Why is that?”
“You have the perfect face for the spotlight.” It sounds almost like an insult.
“Thanks? I think.”
“I meant, you’re very pretty. You’ve got a money-making face.”
“Hopefully, I get there on talent and not my looks.”
“Yeah…” He wipes his hands on his jeans. “Have you acted before?”
“Most of my life.” Nothing wrong with using personal experience as a resumé. I think we can add nursing, hair stylist, manicurist, teacher, psychologist, and a plethora of other jobs I’ve had just dealing with myself.
“They do a play a few times a year here. Are you in one?”
“Well,” I glance around to see what’s taking my friend so long, “I’m auditioning for a part in Corbin’s play. One of the leads. He thinks I’d make a great fit.”
“Or it’s a way of getting you to hang out with him.”
“I don’t think it is. We’re friends.”
“Just friends?”
“Yes.”
“For how long? Guys don’t always see things the same way girls do.”
“For someone who doesn’t talk much, you have a lot to say.” I smile and tuck my chin to my arm, hiding it from him. “I really don’t think that’s the case here. I’m going to live with him. Kind of.”
“You think he’s better than living with Vanessa?”
“Were you not at The Reef? I’m pretty sure Vanessa has filled her friend quota for the next century. There’s only so many females allowed in a pack before drama rips it apart. I don’t exactly fall in line with her particular set of rules.”
“Really?” he asks and gets closer.
Excitement rushes through m
e. “I’ve never been popular. I don’t like the attention; it makes me very uncomfortable.”
“Yet you want to act.”
“Playing the part is different than living the part. You can create a distance between emotions and emotional cues.”
“Okay. So, you’re going to live with this guy. Do you know him?”
“Do you care?” I quip back, finding his intrusion a little bit presumptuous, especially considering we were two for two on awful reintroductions.
“Is it weird if I said yes?”
“Weird isn’t a bad thing,” I answer honestly.
“You remind me of someone I used to care a lot about.”
My cheeks light up at the thought. “Used to?” I pry, “Please don’t say it’s Vanessa.”
He chuckles, easing the tension a little bit. “No, you are nothing like Vanessa. At least, I hope you aren’t. She’s toxic. The girl you remind of was a genuine good person.”
“Was?” It would be so much easier to tell the truth.
“I still really care about her, but she can’t care back anymore.”
I beg to differ. I bite my lip to force my mouth shut. “That sucks.”
“She died, and it’s been really hard to move on… I was an asshole to you.”
“Little bit, yeah.” Continue to let him think I’m dead, or trust him with my life? “Do I look like her or something?”
“A lot like her, actually. I’m sorry about before, at The Reef. And before that at Jumping Joe’s… Damn, I feel like a dick.”
“It’s okay,” I offer and hug my knees to my chest. “We wouldn’t have ended up here if you had been a nice guy from the start.”
“Seeing your face brought up a lot of things for me. I could have reacted better.”
“Kai, maybe—”
“That took forever.” Corbin plops down beside me, interrupting my connection with Kai.
“You’re back.” The disappointment catches in my throat, and I quickly follow up, “All done with your call to your boyfriend?”
“No.” Corbin crinkles his nose and looks at me. He flicks the phone down, pointing the light away from our faces. “It was the owner of the house, actually. I was just telling him about a possible new housemate.”
