A Place to Call Home

by Carole Matthews

  ‘Thank you for taking the time with her, and thank you for collecting her from school.’ I know how difficult that must have been for him.

  ‘The pleasure’s all mine.’

  ‘I’d better start our dinner.’

  ‘I’ll come and help.’

  We exchange a shy glance. ‘Thank you.’

  I make dinner, something quick and easy so that we can eat soon. Hayden helps me by preparing vegetables and Sabina sets the table. For the first time in my life, I have to watch my fingernails while I work.

  When Joy and Crystal join us, I serve. There’s a hearty vegetable curry, all made from Joy’s wonderful produce, and plenty of plain boiled rice. There’s a salad of grated carrot with chilli, lime and coconut to go with it.

  When we’re ready to eat, Hayden raises his glass. ‘To Ayesha and Crystal. Wishing them every success in their new career.’

  We toast with some lemonade that Joy has made.

  ‘I’m going to need a bit of practice,’ I confess. ‘Crystal had no trouble at all, but my polishing skills are very wobbly.’

  ‘That’s because you’ve led a very unglamorous life up until now,’ she says.

  ‘I’d offer to be a model,’ Joy says, ‘but it would be pointless. Tomorrow I’ll be digging up potatoes again and that will ruin all your hard work. Once upon a time, I did have very beautiful nails.’

  Hayden holds up his hands. ‘Don’t look at me.’ He laughs. ‘I don’t mind going through Diseases and Disorders of the Nail with you, but I draw the line at practical help.’

  ‘You could come in to my day centre, if you like,’ Joy offers. ‘I’m sure the old dears wouldn’t mind you practising on them. In fact, I’m certain they’d absolutely love it. They like a bit of fuss.’

  I turn to Crystal. ‘We could do that.’

  She’s busy spooning more vegetable curry on to her plate. ‘Don’t see why not.’

  ‘Could we come in next week when we’ve finished our training?’

  ‘I’ll sort it out when I go in tomorrow.’ Joy helps herself to curry too.

  How exciting! It looks as if we may have our first customers. I believe wholeheartedly that this is the right thing to do. Suddenly, the future is beginning to look very rosy indeed.

  Chapter Forty-eight

  Desires Gentlemen’s Club. Suresh had been there twice more on his visits to London. After a day searching fruitlessly for Ayesha, he needed something to cheer him up, and watching the girls put out for the punters warmed his blood.

  This time it hadn’t worked. He’d taken one of the girls back to his hotel behind Euston Station and had paid too much for too little enthusiasm. He’d been on top of her when suddenly Ayesha’s face had appeared in a blur before him, and he put his hands round her throat and felt his fingers tighten. He wanted to squeeze and squeeze, see the life go out of her. Then he’d realised that the woman beneath him wasn’t the woman he wanted to punish, and he’d pulled himself back from the brink.

  He’d stopped in time, but the temptation to give the hooker a backhander or worse had been almost overwhelming. Instead he’d thrown her out of the room as soon as she’d finished, and good riddance to her.

  Shaken at what he could so easily have done, he hadn’t wanted breakfast in the hotel, which seemed to be full of noisy Chinese tourists on a coach tour. They were heading off to Bicester Village, a designer shopping centre, for the day, he heard. Madness. Why come all the way to London and then go shopping? he wondered. Suresh, on the other hand, had decided to head into the thick of the tourist spots. Maybe he’d be more likely to find her round there. It would be just like her to take Sabina out for the day.

  Plus, he’d got to the point where he didn’t know what else to do. Flynn, Smith and Arunja had quickly grown tired of him banging on about her, so he kept his own counsel now. He hadn’t asked them to come down with him again and none of them had volunteered. Not even his own brother. But none of his friends understood how deep this went. It was as if she’d carved out his heart and now there was nothing left in its place. He’d never expected a woman to do that to him.

  First he headed up to Covent Garden, grabbing a bacon sandwich which he was charged a fortune for as it was on ciabatta rather than sliced bread. But it tasted good and, two cups of strong coffee later, he was fortified for the day.

  He wandered the streets, taking in the performers, who were starting up early, going through their well-worn routines for the smattering of morning tourists. By the afternoon this place would be unrecognisable, heaving with sightseers and pickpockets.

  A few times he turned sharply, thinking he’d seen her out of the corner of his eye. But each time he was disappointed. They were never as pretty as Ayesha, never as delicate.

  He took in some of the places he’d lived as a child, before his parents had been lured by the empty promises of life in a vibrant new city and they’d moved out of London. Pacing the streets of Brick Lane brought him some familiar comfort, but still no sign of his wife.

  By the evening, he’d worked his way through Soho and back to Leicester Square. He was footsore and angrier than he’d ever been in his life. For her, he’d trailed all over London, and it had brought him nothing. Nothing but more pain.

  They were setting up for a film première at the main cinema, the Odeon. The barriers were already in place. The picture of the impossibly handsome film star was twenty foot high and dominated an entire wall. It was someone that Suresh had never heard of.

  Along one side of the square there were groups of young women gathering to wait until their idol appeared. It was warm still, but rain was threatening and yet they wore little clothing. The sleeping bags at their feet showed that they had been here since yesterday, prepared to wait hours and hours for even a glimpse of some man they worshipped. Some of them looked as if they should still be in school.

  This was the sort of shallowness that life was about now. What had this bloke done to deserve their adulation? He was a man, nothing more. Women wanted more than a good, reliable husband. Much more. They wanted money, diamonds, fancy cars, designer clothing. That’s what they wanted, and he despised them for it.

  There was an agony building inside of him that wasn’t physical, but he didn’t know how to release it. He flicked open the Swiss Army knife in his pocket and let the fleshy pad of his thumb tease the blade.

  The rain started now, intermittent hard splashes that made the young, inadequately dressed girls squeal. Some of them ripped open plastic bags and held them above their heads. Their shrieking seemed to pierce deep into his brain until it felt like it was he who was screaming.

  The torrent increased now and the girls scattered, running into shop doorways and cafés. Suresh remained where he was and tilted his face to the clouds, letting the water run down his face. He was soaked, soaked through to the skin, but the water didn’t feel cleansing as he’d hoped it would. It only made the pain intensify.

  He took the knife and pulled it slowly across the palm of his hand. The cut was shallow, but it released his agony. He held his hand up to the grey, unforgiving sky. The blood seeped out, mingled with the rain and flowed on to the pavement.

  Suresh threw back his head and cried out, ‘Ayesha!’

  Chapter Forty-nine

  Crystal and I finish the course and both pass with flying colours. My friend’s forte is decorating the nails and adding a multitude of sparkles. I enjoyed learning how to massage the hands and found it very soothing to do. We both have bona fide certificates to prove our worth, and we’re both thrilled with ourselves.

  Joy has arranged that on Monday we’ll go into her day centre to give manicures to the ladies. We bought some necessary equipment from the college, so that was a little more expense that I could have done without. Hopefully, now that I can work, I’ll be able to start to recoup some money.

  It’s Saturday and Crystal has gone out shopping with a couple of her friends from the club. She can’t wait to catch up on the gossip and see
what’s been said about her shock departure. Buoyed by our small success, I know that she also wants to try to persuade some of the other girls to leave and try different career paths too. She tripped out of the house all excited just as Sabina and I were getting up, and that’s most unlike her.

  It’s not yet nine o’clock, but it’s already mild in the sunshine and Sabina was wriggling in bed, so it was better to get up or I’d have had bruised shins. We’re having breakfast in the garden, and once again I think how lucky I am to be here and to be safe. The weathermen have said that the weekend ahead will be very hot and it’s nice to feel the heat through my blouse, warming my arms.

  As I’m making more tea, Hayden joins us.

  ‘You’re awake early,’ I note.

  ‘Couldn’t stay in bed on such a beautiful day,’ he says. ‘The sun was streaming through the window. Have you been up for long?’

  ‘I couldn’t stay in bed because my dear child is a terrible fidget,’ I tell him.

  ‘Take another bedroom,’ Hayden says. ‘There are at least another couple empty on my floor. We’d need to clear some junk out, I guess, but I want you to be comfortable here. You and Sabina could have separate rooms if you want to.’

  I shake my head. ‘For all she disturbs me, I want to be near her all night. I don’t think I’d sleep at all otherwise. Perhaps when she’s a little older, I must do that.’ I lower my eyes. ‘If we’re still here. But not now.’

  ‘I hope you’ll both be here for a very long time,’ he says softly.

  My cheeks burn and I busy myself at the counter. ‘Can I get you some breakfast?’

  ‘Toast would be great.’

  ‘Go and sit down. I’ll bring it to you.’

  Hayden heads out towards the garden to sit with Sabina but before he steps out of the French doors he turns back. ‘Have you got any plans for today?’

  ‘I’d hoped to do some laundry, but nothing more.’

  ‘Can the laundry wait?’

  ‘I should think so.’

  ‘Fancy going to the seaside? The three of us.’

  My heart pitter-patters. ‘Today?’

  ‘Now,’ he says. ‘This minute. As soon as I’ve eaten my toast.’

  ‘Oh, yes!’

  ‘Beanie,’ he shouts out to my daughter. ‘Want to go to the beach?’

  She nods so much I fear her head may fall off.

  Hayden grins at me. ‘Carried unanimously. The beach it is.’

  Chapter Fifty

  When he’d thrown a few spare clothes in a bag, Hayden went down into the garage. It was so long since he’d been in this place, he’d almost forgotten what it looked like. There were three cars housed here and, to his eternal shame, a raft of others stored at a ludicrously expensive garaging facility somewhere in south London that hadn’t been used in years.

  Hayden wasn’t even sure what was still here. He cast his eyes over the shrouded cars and felt sick to his stomach just looking at them. Now he’d promised Ayesha and Sabina a day out and there was no going back. So, bracing himself, he pulled off the first dust cover, and discovered a Porsche that he’d actually forgotten he’d bought. How could he forget that he’d bought a car? What kind of wanton extravagance had there been in his life? It was a nice one, granted, but it wouldn’t be much good for a family day out.

  The next car he uncovered was a Mercedes coupé, also a two-door sports model. Not much use either. He’d obviously been going through an impractical-car phase. Some of these could be sold. Tracking down the paperwork for all the cars he owned should be high on his list of Things To Do. Someone else could make better use of them. It was such a terrible waste to have them all sitting here, idle and rotting away.

  He desperately hoped the final car didn’t have only two seats, or he’d be left with egg on his face and two very disappointed ladies.

  Swishing the cover aside revealed, thankfully, a Range Rover. It was the same type of car that Laura had been driving when she’d been killed, and he felt a tremor of dull pain work its way through his body at the thought. Had he owned this one before she died, or was it a replacement? He didn’t know. However, it was this or nothing and now he was committed.

  Hayden folded the dust sheet and opened the car door. The keys were already in the ignition and he hesitated, taking a deep breath, before he was able to sit in the driver’s seat. The other thing that he hadn’t considered when making this rash and spontaneous decision was that he hadn’t been behind the wheel of a car since Laura had died. The image of her lying, bloody and dying, in his arms flashed to the front of his mind. He’d have to get a grip or they’d not get down there today at all. If only he’d thought this through rather than getting caught up in the moment, but it was out of his mouth before he’d even weighed up the implications. He could have booked a driver for the day. There was someone who used to come in and drive him around London when it was necessary – before it had become easier to stop going out at all. Ayesha would understand if he pulled out, but how would he explain that to Little Bean? He couldn’t bear to go back and tell her that he’d made a bad mistake. It would have to be someone with a harder heart than his to want to see that face disappointed. The kid deserved some fun and, come hell or high water, he was going to give it to her.

  There was nothing for it. He had to do it. Hayden clicked the fob that operated the electric garage door and, despite not having been troubled for years now, it slid effortlessly open. His palms were sweating just sitting there, and he wiped them on his jeans. He wanted to feel safe doing this, confident. There was no way he wanted to put either Ayesha or Sabina in danger. He knew what a lethal weapon a car was and he had to be sure he was in control before he’d risk it.

  Taking a few deep breaths to steady himself, he gunned the engine and slipped the car into gear. It felt alien, almost unreal, to be back behind the wheel again. His legs shook slightly as he eased the car out on to the drive.

  Ayesha and Sabina were waiting for him, eager smiles on their faces, and it bolstered his courage. When he jumped out of the car, his legs no longer trembled.

  ‘We don’t have to do this.’ Ayesha touched his arm. In her eyes there was such compassion that it nearly had him undone. ‘I’ll understand.’

  So it looked like Crystal had told her what had happened with Laura. ‘I’m fine with it,’ he said, and deep down he knew that he really was.

  ‘Good.’ She smiled again, and it sent feelings through him that he’d thought were always going to be denied him. ‘Shall I quickly make a picnic?’

  ‘No, definitely not. I want this to be a day off for you too. Sling your gear in the back.’ He did the same with his own bag.

  ‘I’ve left a note for Crystal and Joy to tell them where we are,’ she said. ‘I hope that Crystal won’t be cross that we’re going without her.’

  ‘She’ll be fine,’ he said. ‘We’ll take Crystal and Joy another time.’

  It was a glorious day, the sun already putting on its best show. The sky was azure-blue, cloudless, like a Mediterranean sky that had wandered unwittingly into north London. He wondered if they’d have a good summer this year. It was certainly overdue.

  Ayesha and Sabina both hopped into the car and he made sure they were buckled up. He was sure that he could remember the route, but he programmed the satnav nevertheless. Then he put on his dark glasses and pulled down his hat. His mouth was dry as the gates swung open and they drove out into the street. He got a flashback to a bank of cameras clicking every time he drove out of the gates, and relief swept over him when he realised that today there were no photographers lurking in wait.

  By the time they’d hit the motorway and were heading out of London, Hayden had started to relax.

  ‘Where are we going?’ Ayesha asked.

  ‘Wait and see,’ he said. ‘It’s one of my favourite places. We always used to go there for family holidays, and I looked at buying a house in the area a few years ago.’ He waited for the familiar stab of pain to come as he talke
d of something that he’d done with Laura, but it didn’t. It was a fact, nothing more.

  They could have gone to Brighton, Bournemouth or somewhere on the east coast. There were other beach resorts that were a lot closer. But they were overcrowded, and Brighton was always full of people looking for a photograph as there were so many celebs living there. This place was more low-key and, if he went about his business quietly, everyone left him alone. He was sure Ayesha would appreciate that too.

  If it was to be their first taste of the British seaside he also wanted somewhere that was still as unspoiled as it had been when he was a boy. And this place was as close as it got.

  He’d thought that the world and his wife would be on the road today, heading for the coast, but it wasn’t too bad. As it was still early, the traffic was relatively light and it was only a few hours before he was seeing signs for their destination.

  They’d not talked much, but had listened to music all the way down, nothing too emotive, and had stopped once for coffee at a service station while Hayden filled up with petrol. Both Ayesha and her daughter were easy, undemanding company. There was a DVD player fitted in the back of the car and he’d have to get some DVDs suitable for little girls, if they were going to do this again.

  Soon they were turning off the main road and making their way down towards the coast. The road got smaller and smaller until it became a single track, banked by high grass verges. Hayden took great care as he wound the car carefully through narrow lanes, passing tiny thatched cottages and a picture-perfect church. He’d always thought that he and Laura might marry there, and he blanked off the image that came to him. Today was a day for fun and happiness, not sadness and regret.

  ‘This is so very pretty,’ Ayesha said next to him. ‘I’ve never seen England like this.’

  ‘I thought you’d like it.’ He grinned across at her.

  On the road down to the centre of the little village, they glimpsed the sea sparkling invitingly. Hayden pulled over to the side of the road and looked out to the horizon.