I close my eyes and lean into the water, feeling it drip down my face. Having a baby with Chase right now would be terrible timing. Sometimes the most terrible things are the most beautiful.
A shudder goes through me and I mourn more than the loss of the little life I had inside me. I mourn the loss of what could have been. The unconventional start to a family. The awkward family dinners and even the judgmental stares from people as we walk through town, pushing our baby in a stroller as we walk.
I feel like my body betrayed me and wasn’t enough. I know what the doctor said—and what Chase reminded me—but it does little to comfort me. No, this pregnancy wasn’t planned, but it doesn’t make losing it any easier.
When my fingers start to get wrinkly, I get up and wash myself, and then get out and dressed. I feed the cats and take an Advil for the pain. My cycles have never been regular. Ever. I’ll go weeks without a period and then get hit with a horrible heavy one, getting practically bedridden from pain. Then the next will be twenty-eight days later and super light. I started taking birth control as a teen to regulate my cycle and to deal with the pain. I pour myself another glass of wine and down it, and then get back into bed with Chase.
“Hey, babe,” he says sleepily. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t know,” I say, being completely honest. “Physically, I’m fine.”
“What about emotionally?” Chase pushes himself up. His hair is messy and there are pillow creases on his cheek. I’m so damn attracted to him even now, though sex is the last thing on my mind.
“I keep thinking of what could have been. I mean, I know this wasn’t what we expected. At all. It would have been hard and trying, and yet I’m sad it’s not going to happen.”
“It still can,” Chase says and puts his arms around me. “Maybe not right now, but later. And next time we can do it on purpose. It hurts now, but it’ll get easier. I know you’ve heard that before.”
“I have.”
“You’re not alone, Sierra. You will never be alone. I’m here. I’ll always be here.”
Tears fall from my eyes and Chase pulls me to him, cradling me against his chest. I relax against him and feel the wine hit me. I’m half-asleep only moments later.
And someone is knocking on my door.
“I’ll go,” Chase says, moving away. On an empty stomach, the wine gets to me harder than before. I’m drunk. All I want is to succumb to the darkness and fall back into sleep. Time slips away and what feels like just a second later, Chase is in the room. “Your mom’s here.”
“Why?” I grumble.
“She heard about the bar fight.”
“Mother fucker,” I say into the pillow. Chase helps me to my feet and I wobble as I walk, grimacing from the sunlight. Mom is standing in the living room, perched on the edge of the couch. Her hair is done and she’s dressed in designer clothes.
“Sierra,” she gasps when I stumble into the room. “You look terrible.”
“Thanks, Mom. Tell me how you really feel.”
“Lisabeth DeGraw told me about the fight at The Mill House last night. And how you were involved. Are you okay?”
I shrug, trying to copy Chase’s signature move. In my mind, it was a flawless copy. But in real life, I looked like I was having some sort of convulsion. “I’m alive, right?” I sit heavily on the couch.
“What happened?”
“There were some guys. They got mad. And Chase stopped them.” I look at Chase, realizing for the first time that he’s only wearing pajama pants. My mother hates tattoos and is getting a good display of Chase’s inked skin.
“I heard they were there because of you,” Mom says pointedly, looking right at Chase.
“Mom,” I whisper through clenched teeth.
Chase’s brow furrows and he nods. “They were.”
“Sierra could have gotten hurt,” Mom snaps. “One of them grabbed her.”
“They didn’t hurt me, Mom,” I snap. Something else hurt me, and the hurt is running deeper than I ever imagined. I spring to my feet. The wine paired with bleeding from the miscarriage makes me dizzy. My eyes flutter and I sink back to the couch.
Mom is too busy staring daggers at Chase to notice. “They could have hurt her. Easily. None of this would have happened if you hadn’t come to this town. I knew you were bad news the moment I laid eyes on you. If you care about my daughter at all, you’ll stay far away from her.”
The pain etched on Chase’s face breaks my heart all over again. I turn to my mother, eyes blurring with tears.
“I will talk to you later,” she says to me and then walks out the door. I take in a shaky breath and clutch my heart. Chase is next to me in seconds, and I bury my head in his neck.
“You’re drunk.”
“I’m not drunk enough.”
“You have more wine in the fridge.”
I pull back, staring at him quizzically. “You’re not going to tell me to lay off the alcohol?”
He shakes his head. “Not now.” He kisses my forehead and leaves, returning with a bottle of sweet red wine.
“Nocturne Acres,” he reads. “I’ve never heard of that.”
“My family owns a vineyard in California,” I say and take the wine from him. I don’t waste time with a glass. I chug it right from the bottle. Chase takes the bottle from me and brings it to his lips. He sets it down on the coffee table, out of my reach.
“I’m sorry for all the shit that happened, Sierra.”
“Don’t be. And don’t let my mom get to you. That’s how she is to everyone. Manipulative and judgmental. You’re not bad news.”
“Maybe I am,” he says so softly I almost don’t hear him. “I never meant to hurt you, Sierra.”
“I know. You didn’t know those guys were going to show up.”
“Right. Those guys.”
I lean over Chase, reaching for the bottle. I have a sense he’s talking about something else, but in that moment, my brain goes to self-preservation mode. I need another few swallows of wine so I can pass out.
“You need to take your medicine,” I say and move away from Chase. I wobble when I stand, having to put my hand on the wall to steady myself as I move into the kitchen. Chase isn’t supposed to take the antibiotics on an empty stomach. I open the fridge and pull out eggs.
“What are you doing?” he asks, standing in the threshold of the kitchen.
“Making breakfast.”
“I’ll do it. You can lay down.”
I shake my head. “I want to stay busy.”
“Okay.” Chase comes into the kitchen with me, and we work together to make breakfast. I drink half the bottle of wine as I cook, and make it through a plate of scrambled eggs before I’m feeling sick. Chase takes me to the bedroom and tucks me in. The world spins around me and I close my eyes.
Chase sits next to me, giving me a kiss before he gets under the blanket too. “When you’re ready, we need to talk,” he says softly. “And remember my promise. I will always love you.”
Chapter 30
Chase
Maybe I should have cut her off and not let her have that second glass of wine. I don’t know how to handle this, and my mind is all fucking over the place.
I need to tell her about the voicemails.
My heart breaks to see Sierra hurting.
I wish we were still having a baby.
I rub my temple and look at Sierra. She’s sound asleep—as she’s been for the last three hours—next to me in her bed. She looks at peace now, and I wish so fucking bad that same peace will carry on into the day when she wakes.
I don’t know what to do from here. I had no fucking clue losing a baby you’d only known about for two days could hurt so damn much. Do we keep this to ourselves forever? When is it okay to try and have sex again? I’m going to assume we’ll both agree to better birth control than pulling out since that worked out so well for us last time.
Thinking about the physical toll this is taking on Sierra, however ‘normal’ the doctor says it i
s, makes me want to throw up. She said the bleeding slowed, but she didn’t say it stopped. My heart hurts for the loss of what could have been but hurts even more knowing what Sierra is going through.
It’s not fucking fair. This shouldn’t have happened to her. She’s already dealt with a loss. Why does she have to go through it again?
Sierra stirs in her sleep and I hug her, wishing I could take away her pain. If there were a way, I’d do it, no matter what the cost. Sierra is everything I never knew I always wanted. I hold her tight in my arms, ignoring the pain it’s causing me to feel around the area that was sliced open not that long ago.
I’m asleep and dreaming about Sierra when my phone rings. I jerk up fast and feel a painful tug on my flesh. Wincing, I grab my phone and see that it’s Josh. Instantly. I feel like shit for not calling him and letting him know what went on last night.
“What the fuck?” he asks as soon as I answer.
“Shit. Sorry, man. I should have called you last night.”
“You’re not supposed to be working,” Josh says. “Let alone getting in fights. What the hell were you thinking?”
“That I wasn’t going to let some assholes lay a finger on the bar. Or Sierra.”
“Is it terrible to say I wish I was there so I could see it all go down? I heard the guys you took out were twice your size and jacked on steroids.”
“So this town likes to gossip and expand the truth. The steroid part might be true. I wouldn’t put it past those guys, actually. And it was easy to take them out. They’re a classic case of all brawn and no brain. If they hadn’t threatened Sierra, it would have been fun.”
“Makes you miss the old days?”
“No,” I say honestly. “You know I enjoy a good fight or two. But this…” I look at Sierra’s pretty face. “This is better.” Even now, with a constant ache in my heart for what we lost. I look out the window, wondering if it would have been better to have not met Sierra at all. We wouldn’t be in this situation right now. Would she be better off without me?
I’ve been changed for the better. I didn’t know how much was missing until I found her.
“How are my nephews?” I ask. “And Dakota.”
“Wearing us out of course, but great. Dakota is having some jealousy issues. I’m taking her fishing after church tomorrow. That clearing behind The Mill House is a good spot.”
“Are there a lot of fish in the river?”
“In the deeper parts. I’m hoping not to catch a lot,” he admits with a laugh. “It’s easier. Though Kota likes to throw ‘em back so there’s nothing to take home and gut.”
“I’ve never been fishing.”
“Ever?”
“Nope. Don’t forget I grew up in Chicago. You wouldn’t want to get in any bodies of water around there.”
Josh laughs. “Come with us then. That would make Dakota happy. Are you going to be home?”
“I’ve been staying with Sierra. But I can stop by.”
“Great. See you tomorrow then.”
“Tonight. I’ll be at work.”
“I thought you weren’t supposed to go back to work until next week.”
“I’m not,” I say. “I’ll take it easy.”
“Come in at ten,” Josh says, knowing better than to argue with me. “I can leave early and you’ll only have to work half a shift that way.”
“Sounds good.” I hang up and lay back down, holding Sierra. I wanted her to have a happy ending. It’s not too late, is it? She rolls over in her sleep, feebly reaching for me.
“Chase,” she mumbles and curling into my arms. I close my eyes feeling more determined than ever to make this woman happy. Her phone rings and I reach over to her side of the bed to silence it.
Lisa is calling, and seeing her name on Sierra’s phone makes a chill settle in the room. She’s going to tell Sierra about the messages if I don’t. It wasn’t an empty threat. Lisa has proved more than once that she’s not my biggest fan and feels that she needs to protect Sierra…no matter what the cost.
I admire her loyalty and fierce friendship. That kind of bond is something we all long for. To have that best friend stand up for you even when you’re wrong. To risk pissing you off because they know it’s for your own good. To care about you more than you care about yourself.
Except Lisa gets too caught up. She acts before she thinks. And she doesn’t like to be wrong. Sierra told me that Lisa already dug up dirt on me. She’d love another chance to prove how bad I am.
Maybe I am bad. I did listen to the messages. The intimate words weren’t meant for me to hear. They weren’t meant for anyone but a ghost. And I listened.
“Morning,” Sierra mumbles and pushes herself up. “Or maybe afternoon?”
“It’s afternoon. Want anything? I can get you breakfast. Or lunch. You probably want water, right?”
“Yeah.” Sierra rubs her eyes and sighs. “I should be taking care of you still.”
“You are.”
She brings her knees to her chest and closes her eyes. “I did a lot of thinking between passing out from too much wine.”
“Yeah?”
“And I still can’t come up with a reason why this happened. I like to think things happen for a reason. Maybe it’s bullshit we tell ourselves so it’s easier to deal with shitty situations. Losing Jake…” Tears fall from her eyes. “I didn’t find a reason for that either.” She turns, and the pain in her eyes breaks my heart. “But then I met you. And then this happens. I…I…don’t know why.”
“Don’t look for a reason,” I tell her softly. “You won’t find one.”
I grip Sierra’s hand tightly as we stand for the final prayer in church. We’re in the back, and the lack of emotions coming from Sierra is worrying me. We spent the rest of Saturday in bed, talking about what could have been. It was harder on me than I’d ever admit. I’m not the kind of person to play out the what-ifs in life. I’m more of a repress-and-move-on type of guy, but Sierra needed to talk about it.
Mourn it.
Miss it.
And start to heal from it.
This time, she has me to help.
I went to bed Saturday night with Sierra wrapped in my arms. As I was drifting to sleep, Sierra softly whispered my name.
Maybe this happened to bring us closer together, she had said. If we can get through this, we can get through anything.
This morning, Sierra was quiet and calm, going about her normal routine but void of any emotion. She wasn’t sad. She wasn’t happy. Tinkerbell walked back and forth on the table, sticking her paw in Sierra’s coffee during breakfast. And Sierra just sat there, petting the cat as if she were unaware of everything else around her.
I’m not good with stuff like this. The loss of the pregnancy is hitting Sierra hard, and she’s not coping in a normal way. She’s been down this dark path before, and I know all too well how easy it is to fall back on old habits.
The prayer ends and the choir starts singing again. The children are in the front, and Dakota catches my eye and waves. I smile back and give Sierra’s hand a reassuring squeeze.
On the way out, her sister catches up to us. Sierra told me more than once how uptight her sister is, and how it’s made it hard for the two of them to get along. Though right now, her sister’s eyes—which are the same shade of green as Sierra’s—are full of worry.
“Mom told me what happened at the bar,” she starts. “I’m sorry.”
Her apology shocks me, but Sierra only blinks.
“Thanks,” I tell Sam.
“Our mother can be difficult. Ignore her. I know you two are happy.”
“We are,” Sierra says, voice flat.
Sam looks at her sister, eyes narrowing. “Are you okay, Sierra?”
“Fine.” Sierra’s eyes are on the ground.
Sam shifts her gaze to me. “She’s tired,” I tell her.
Sam nods but doesn’t look convinced. “I’ll see you guys tonight, right?”
“Right. We’ll
be there for dinner.”
“Okay. Bye.”
Panic starts to rise in my chest. Sierra is hurting and I want to make her better. I want to take the pain away but I don’t know how. We make it outside and into the parking lot when Dakota runs over, throwing her arms around my waist.
Sierra blinks in the bright sunlight and smiles at my niece. It’s just one smile but it makes me feel much better.
“Are you going fishing with me, Uncle Chase?”
Before I answer, I look at Sierra. Yesterday, the plan was for me to go fishing while Sierra hangs out at home. But now I’m not sure if I should leave her alone.
“He is,” Sierra answers for me. She’s still smiling. It’s forced, though I don’t think anyone else could tell. “Did you know your uncle has never gone fishing before?”
Dakota’s mouth falls open.
“So you’re going to have to teach him.”
Dakota jumps up and down with excitement. “I can do that! We’re going to have so much fun!” She skips back off to Josh, who’s talking to his in-laws. He gives me a wave and puts his hand on Dakota’s shoulder to keep her from running away again.
“Are you sure you don’t mind me going?” I ask Sierra.
“Not at all. I think I’m going to lie down and read the rest of the day. Or clean. The house is due for a good cleaning.” Her voice is flat, and the way she’s just going out things isn’t right.
“Okay. I won’t be gone long.”
She presses another smile and takes my hand again. We’re almost to the car when we’re stopped again by Lisa. She’s with her parents and sister, all of whom I met at the last family dinner. Sierra’s aunt is talking to her, and Lisa slips away, moving close to me.
“Did you tell her?” she whispers harshly.
“Not yet.”
“You have to tell her.”
“I will,” I promise. “Now’s not a good time.”
Lisa shakes her head. “When is there a good time to tell your girlfriend you not only listened to, but kept all her messages meant for her dead boyfriend?”
“There’s not a good time. But trust me, right now is not the time to do it.”
Love Me Like I Love You Page 85
