by Ali Cronin
I woke up to an empty room. Again. I sighed, then pulled the duvet up to my chin and looked around wildly. This was a bloody strange situation. I was lying on the carpet of a child’s bedroom in a house whose owners didn’t know me from Adam, with only a sailing boat bedspread covering my nakedness. I jumped up, hurriedly pulled my clothes on and made the bed as neatly as I could. I could still hear the party going on downstairs, which was a relief. I couldn’t bear the thought of sneaking out of an empty house in the middle of the night. I checked my phone: it was just past one. I listened at the door to make sure no one was standing outside, then quickly slipped on to the landing.
Where the hell was Joe? I hurried past closed doors, hoping to find one that looked like it belonged to a bathroom, but they all looked the same. Finally I found an open door with a toilet behind it. I gratefully used it, taking the opportunity to use the mirror and check I didn’t look too much like a person who had just had sex. I smoothed my hair, then wet a bit of toilet roll under the tap and rubbed it under my eyes. The mascara smudges wouldn’t budge. Giving up, I left the room and hurried downstairs. I wanted to find Joe and Ashley, in that order. But, of course, the first person I bumped into – literally – was Mimi.
‘Watch it,’ she snapped as I careered into her at the bottom of the stairs. Then, ‘Oh, it’s you.’ She leant one hand against the wall so my exit was blocked. ‘Nice fuck, was it?’ she asked, smiling thinly. ‘But oh! Where’s Joe?’ She looked behind me exaggeratedly.
‘He’s just gone to the loo,’ I said, with as much dignity as I could muster.
Mimi laughed nastily. ‘Yeah, right.’ Then she leant into me so I had to back up a step. ‘Listen, little girl,’ she hissed. ‘Joe is using you.’ She emphasized every word. ‘He’s using you for your tight virginal little fanny and your breathless little-girl adoration.’ I could only gawp. I couldn’t believe that a fellow human being could be so utterly horrible.
‘How do you know?’ I asked hoarsely.
‘What, that you were a virgin? He told me.’ Her mouth curled into a smile as she saw my face fall and she brought her hand up to her mouth in mock surprise, showing her perfectly manicured nails. ‘Oops, sorry, was it a secret? Cos you should know that it’s blatantly obvious to, like, everyone that you’re Little Miss Frigid. Sucked him off yet, by the way?’ I didn’t answer, and she laughed in what she probably thought was a light and tinkly manner, but actually sounded like a witch cackling.
I was about to literally die of humiliation when someone spoke behind me.
‘And what’s it to you?’
I spun round. It was Ashley. I almost cried with relief. Mimi’s expression didn’t waver. She did that dead-smile thing at me again and said, ‘Getting your friends to stand up for you. How sweet.’ But, with another glance at Ashley and a quick up-and-down of disgust at me, she turned and stalked off. I sunk down on to the step.
‘Who the hell was that bitch?’ asked Ash, sitting beside me.
‘Mimi. One of Joe’s friends.’ I dropped my head on to my knees. ‘She says he’s using me.’ I didn’t mention the rest.
Ashley snorted briefly with laughter. ‘Well, don’t bloody listen to her. She’s obviously jealous … Where is Joe, anyway?’
I shrugged helplessly. ‘I don’t know. I fell asleep and when I woke up he’d gone.’ Ashley didn’t say anything, which spoke volumes. ‘Where’s Will?’ I asked.
She leant back on her elbows. ‘Dunno … I left while he was sleeping.’ She looked at me and I burst out laughing. And then we were both cackling away on the stairs, the jilted and the jiltee, until suddenly I wasn’t laughing any more.
9
I slept late the next day and woke to a text from Joe.
Sorry missed u last nite.
Will call soon. Xxx
I couldn’t really see how leaving while I was asleep was ‘missing’ me, as if he’d gone to the bathroom and when he’d come back I’d gone … And then the thought struck me that, of course, that’s exactly what could have happened. Mimi might have scoffed when I told her Joe had gone to the loo, but what if he had? That house probably had at least three bathrooms. I texted back:
Me too. See u soon. Next
weekend??? Xx
After spending what seemed like hours lying awake the night before wondering what to do about Mimi, I decided that it would be massively uptight of me to have a go at him for telling her about me. Firstly cos he wouldn’t have told her about me if there was anything between them, and secondly because I didn’t want him to know that she even slightly bothered me. Ashley was right: she was totally jealous of me. The thought made me feel kind of powerful. (Pride comes before a fall, piped up Annoying-voice-in-my-head.)
I went downstairs in my PJs to make some toast. Mum had left a note on the fridge:
Dan at Oscar’s, dad at Tesco, me at gym!
So I had the house to myself. Bliss. I ate my toast while catching up on some social networking – I sent Joe a Facebook friend request – then ran a bath and soaked for an hour. I spent the afternoon making notes for an Art History essay and doing my French translation. With all homework done by the time the rest of my family were home, I ate my pasta bake with smug contentment, spent the evening watching crap TV and was in bed by ten. I didn’t even care that Joe hadn’t replied to my text. He’d already established his slow-reply credentials. I could wait him out.
I sat up in bed. Still, a quick call before sleep wouldn’t hurt. I found him in my Contacts list and clicked Call. It went to answerphone and I left a breezy message saying how it’d had been fun yesterday and we should do it again soon.
Setting my alarm for morning, I fell asleep quickly. It had been a strangely satisfying day.
Joe didn’t respond the next day. I couldn’t stop thinking about what Mimi had said. Even if she was jealous, that didn’t necessarily make her wrong. And part of me was still in shock that someone could hate me so much. I wasn’t used to being disliked. It gave me a permanent sick feeling in my stomach, like suddenly realizing I’d missed a vital exam.
I asked Ashley to meet me on the playing field at lunchtime. I wanted to talk about Joe with someone who’d actually met him, not that I told her that. I got there first (of course), spread my coat on the grass and settled down to eat my sandwich. The weather had finally caught up with the season and it was properly chilly. After a minute I saw Ashley trudging towards me.
I shifted so she could share my coat. ‘All right?’ She nodded and sat down. She was using a ring binder spewing assorted notes and handouts as a tray, on top of which was a plate of chips from the canteen. ‘How’d you smuggle that out?’ I asked, taking a chip.
She smiled. ‘Dunno. Just did.’ It didn’t surprise me. ‘So. You all right?’
‘Yeah, fine.’ Even to my own ears it sounded false. The high-pitched squeak was a particularly nice touch. I cleared my throat. ‘What did you think of Will, then?’
Ashley shook her head. ‘He’s hot as, but sadly he’s also quite boring and not great in bed.’ She put a chip in her mouth and spoke round it. ‘Bit selfish, if you know what I mean. Had to finish myself off in the bathroom.’
‘Ashley!’ I was shocked.
‘What?’ Ash laughed at the look on my face. ‘C’mon, babes, we all do it.’ I reddened and looked away. I wasn’t getting into that conversation.
‘Anyway, have you heard from Joe?’
I nodded. ‘He texted yesterday morning.’ Then, casually ‘What did you think of him, by the way?’
Ashley took a chip. ‘Hard to say. I only saw him from a distance.’
I nodded eagerly. ‘And?’
She shrugged. ‘Yeah, he’s good-looking.’
‘He really is, isn’t he?’ I smiled at the thought of my gorgeous man, but then that condescending sneer popped into my head again. ‘I can’t stop thinking about what Mimi said, though.’
‘What, that psycho? I think we can safely ignore everything she says.’ Ashley smirked at t
he memory. ‘God, she was well jealous of you.’
But I didn’t think it was funny. It made me feel sick. ‘But what if she was right? And she’s so pretty and, like, groomed.’
Ash rolled her eyes. ‘Jesus, give yourself a break … You’ve got a gorgeous smile, lovely big brown cow eyes – that’s a compliment, by the way – and I’d kill for hair as thick as yours. AND he obviously fancies you … Even if he did leave you in the lurch.’
‘No, that’s not what happened. He went to the bathroom and I left before he got back,’ I said quickly.
Ash raised an eyebrow. ‘He tell you that, did he?’
‘No,’ I admitted. ‘But he didn’t need to.’
‘Right,’ she said enigmatically, stuffing more chips into her mouth. She wiped her greasy hands on her skirt. ‘Still, I suppose he did text you yesterday. That’s pretty good. For him.’
I ignored the pregnant pause and tried to smile. ‘Exactly.’ She was probably right – about him fancying me, I mean. Let’s face it, she knew way more about this kind of thing than I did. Hell, everyone in the world knew more than I did.
I checked my phone for the time. ‘We’d better get back.’
Ash nodded and clambered to her feet. ‘Shit, remind me not to sit on the floor in a non-stretch miniskirt again.’ She looked around. ‘Not that I really care who sees my gusset.’
And there you had the difference between us in a nutshell.
But the next morning my mood was back to subzero. I’d left two more messages for Joe and had just got a text from him.
Am working in bar so
can’t do weekends 4 a bit.
Will call u xx
It made sense for him to get a job, and he couldn’t exactly work during the week. But I felt snubbed. And I couldn’t bear the thought that Mimi could see Joe every day at uni.
Mentally cursing my parents for not having the foresight to conceive me three years earlier, I plodded to school, stopping at the loos before I had to drag myself to the maths room for tutor group. Sitting in a cubicle staring mindlessly at a new bit of graffiti (‘EC has a bucket fanny’ – nice), I was suddenly aware of familiar voices outside by the sinks.
‘I can’t believe he shagged and ran.’ It was Donna. I froze, my heart thumping.
Then Ashley’s voice. ‘I know. She reckons he’d just gone to the bathroom and she left before he got back, but …’ I could imagine her expression.
‘He’s so just in it for the sex.’ Donna again.
‘I know. Poor Sarah – she just can’t see it. She’s obsessed.’ Cass was there too! I could sort of understand Ashley and Donna discussing me behind my back, but Cass? She was my best friend. She shouldn’t be talking about me like this with them. And how dare she feel sorry for me! Talk about pot and kettle. I felt sick. I couldn’t believe my friends thought I was deluded about Joe. Donna and Cass hadn’t even met him and Ashley had only seen him, not properly talked to him.
Well, they could think what they wanted, I decided defiantly. They didn’t know Joe like I did. But still, their words stung. I waited for a minute after they left before slipping out. It was still early for tutor, but I went anyway. I wasn’t ready to face the girls.
In the tutor room I sank into a chair, barely acknowledging Ollie who had yet again arrived early. He appeared to have turned over a new leaf, timekeeping wise.
‘You all right, McSarey?’ he asked.
I sighed heavily. ‘What is it with men, Ols?’
Ollie looked contrite. He placed his hand on his heart. ‘On behalf of all penis-owners, I apologize,’ and he seemed so genuinely sorry that I laughed. He twirled a Biro between his fingers. ‘Joe issues?’
I chewed the inside of my cheek and nodded.
‘Well, he’s a dick if you ask me,’ said Ollie, evenly. ‘He’s lucky to have you.’
I snapped my head up, but he was concentrating on spinning his pen. I laughed nervously. ‘Ol, you’re the king of love ’em and leave ’em.’
He smiled. ‘Yeah well, I just haven’t met the right girl, have I?’ He looked at me, his expression open. I relaxed. Last thing I needed was for bloody Ollie to get a crush on me. I coloured slightly at letting such a ridiculous thought even enter my head. We’d known each other since we were five. He’d shown me his teeny-weenie in the playground and I’d seen him cry when he’d fallen over. He was sweet and kind and funny, but he was Ollie. Burp king and serial shagger. And, anyway, why on earth would he fancy me? I leant across the table and gave him a hug.
‘Thanks, Ol.’
He shrugged and smiled. ‘Anytime, flower.’
The morning dragged like wading through water. I had French, which was fine but I wasn’t in the mood, and then a free period, which I spent in the library doing research for my art-history essay. Boring boring boring. As the clock hands dragged themselves towards lunchtime, my mind kept drifting away from the use of painterly techniques in the work of Jackson Pollock and on to a way more pressing dilemma. What to do? Should I avoid the girls (my favoured option), or swan into the canteen casually as if nothing was wrong (not ideal, but the non-confrontational side of me was all for it)? As upset as I was, avoiding them would only be putting off the inevitable. So – sigh – facing up to them it was.
Although obvs I wouldn’t do any actual facing up. That would most definitely be classed as confrontation. All I needed to do was show my face. Be normal. Not ‘obsessed’. It hurt that they thought that about me, but at the same time I kind of knew how they felt. I was beginning to annoy myself. I scuffed my toe against the floor irritably as I waited for the ancient PC to log me off. Why couldn’t Joe just arrange to see me? Did it always have to be last minute? I reminded myself that not everyone was as obsessed with planning ahead as I was. But still. A bit of planning couldn’t hurt.
The canteen was nearly empty when I got there, but Cass and Jack were sitting at our usual table. They both had Spanish before lunch on a Tuesday – they must have been let out early. I bought a pasta salad and my usual Ribena and went to join them.
Cass started talking before I’d even sat down. ‘Sarah, what are you doing over half term?’
I stared at her. ‘What?’
‘The boys are planning a trip to Devon. I was just thinking we could borrow Charlie’s car and go too.’ Cass’s brother was, like, twenty-five, but he still lived at home. He was supposed to be doing a part-time IT course, but he never seemed to be doing anything except eating crisps and doing suspect things on the Internet. But, handily for us, he had a car. Even better, he never used it.
‘Well, I might be seeing Joe,’ I said, before I could stop myself. ‘But we wouldn’t be going for the whole week, right?’ I added quickly. ‘I could just see him the other days.’ Even as I said it I knew that if Joe asked I’d blow my friends out to see him. It wasn’t like that would always be the case. Just for now, while he was so busy with work and uni and I had to take any opportunity that arose. Cass should understand that better than anyone.
‘Exactly,’ said Cass, casually getting a notebook and pen from her bag as if the conversation in the loos had never happened. ‘I’ll be doing the same with Adam.’
I couldn’t help feeling just a tiny bit smug. Cass might get to see Adam all the time, but at least Joe was faithful. Or why would that Mimi girl be so jealous?
‘So, I’ll put you down as a yes, yes?’ Cass had her pen poised. I saw that she’d written ‘Trip to Devon’ at the top of the page and underlined it twice. The girl does love a list.
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Although obvs I’ll have to check with my parents.’
‘And, Jack, you’re a yes?’
Jack laughed. ‘Well, since it’s our trip you’re crashing …’
Cass scratched her forehead with her pen. ‘Oh duh, of course. Sorry.’ She wrote all the boys’ names down and added hers and mine underneath. ‘This is going to be such a giggle,’ she said, tapping her pen on the table excitedly. ‘We haven’t done anything like this sinc
e Glastonbury.’
Jack nodded enthusiastically. ‘Exactly what we said.’ He started chuckling to himself. ‘Rich and that stoned girl.’ Cass burst out laughing and I smiled. God, that really had been funny. Rich had spent about two hours trying to give this random girl the slip. She was off her face and kept telling Rich he had a beautiful soul then trying to stick her tongue down his throat. I started laughing too. Cass and Jack’s enthusiasm was infectious. I felt a flutter of excitement. Maybe a holiday with my friends was exactly what I needed. Get away from all the Joe stuff and just hang out together.
‘What’s so funny?’ Rich pulled out a chair and sat down, closely followed by Ollie, Donna and Ashley.
‘We were just remembering your Glastonbury girlfriend,’ giggled Cass.
Rich rolled his eyes. ‘Oh God, don’t remind me. She was awful. And she stank of marzipan.’
I poked his arm. ‘She wasn’t to know you hate almonds.’
‘Sweetheart, nobody in their right mind likes almonds. It’s what cyanide smells of.’
We all laughed. We’d told this story a million times, always in the same way. It was a little flag in the map of our friendship.
The conversation moved on to Devon. When we’d go, how we’d get there. We all leant in to the table and offered suggestions while Cass made her lists. After a while I tuned out. Maybe me and Joe could go somewhere next summer. Maybe even back to Spain. I looked at my phone. No messages. I tapped out a quick text.
Just thinking about u &
spain dot dot dot …
I snickered to myself as I hit Send. He’d like this one. And, sure enough, a message pinged back a few minutes later.
Dot dot dot indeed, dirty
girl. I might phone u
