by Ali Cronin
As the afternoon went on the atmosphere got more relaxed, and we slowly split off into separate groups. Rich, Cass and Jack got talking to Rich’s parents, while Ashley and Donna got hit on by a couple of sleazes who were at least forty – I don’t even think they were part of the funeral party. The poor deluded men thought their luck was in. You could see them exchanging wahey! looks. As if. Ash and Donna were loving it, hamming it up all wide-eyed and simpering. Which left me and Ollie, sitting at our now empty table doing cake taste-tests.‘Mmm, yah … yah …’ said Ollie earnestly, screwing his eyes up in concentration as he moved fondant fancy around his mouth like a cow chewing the cud. ‘I’m getting sugar, and modified maize starch … and, yes, a definite hint of humectants.’
Giggling, I took a nibble of a plastic-looking Victoria sponge. Trying to match Ollie’s serious face – how did he do it without creasing up? – I nodded vigorously. ‘Oh yes. Mmm, yes, now you see this is very good. Definite emulsifier here, and … yes, it is, it’s raising agents. Definitely raising agents.’
Ollie pinched a piece of cake from my plate. ‘Actually, that looks all right.’
I watched him put it in his mouth. ‘Well?’
He moaned and rolled his eyes in mock ecstasy. ‘’S’goooorgeous.’ He grinned through cheekfuls of cheapo sponge.
‘You can’t beat rubbish cake,’ I agreed, choosing a mini chocolate slice from the selection plate Ollie had made up.
He looked around. ‘Weird that everyone seems so happy.’
I nodded. ‘I know. I expected everyone to be quiet and sombre. Like, murmured conversations and lots of dabbing of eyes with lace hankies.’
Ollie laughed. ‘Right, cos you always carry a lace hanky with you.’
‘I do actually,’ I replied, primly. ‘I keep it in a pocket in my bloomers.’
‘Don’t, you’ll drive me wild with desire,’ he said, brushing his hands together to get rid of the crumbs.
‘Bloomers your thing, are they?’
He gave me a pouty-mouth phwoooar, then said, ‘Talking of which, how’s it going with Joe?’
I smiled. ‘Yeah, all right. I’m going to stay with him next week.’ I hoped. I felt a little clutch of fear that I’d jinxed it just by mentioning it.
‘Wicked … But you are coming to Devon, right?’
‘Right. I’m seeing Joe after.’
‘Cool.’
We sat in companionable silence for a minute, eating cake and people-watching, then Ollie said, ‘Is this your first funeral?’
I nodded. ‘You?’
‘Well, I went to my own brother’s when I was like a week old, but obviously I don’t remember that.’
I spun round from my position watching the back of the room. ‘Your brother?’
He looked at me. ‘Yeah. I had a twin, Zac. He lived for less than a day. Something about not having grown enough in the womb … I don’t really know.’
I was astonished. ‘Ollie, how come I didn’t know that?’
He shrugged. ‘It’s not something I advertise. No big deal, though. It’s not like I miss him.’
‘Do the others know?’
Ollie smiled. ‘Why, you like having inside info?’
‘No! That’s not what I meant.’ I blushed furiously.
‘Flower, I was kidding. Aw, look at you, all flustered!’ He stroked my cheek, then leant back in his chair and started looking around the room again. ‘To be honest, I don’t know if the others know. If they do it’ll only be because it came up in conversation.’
I could hardly get my head round it. ‘Your poor parents,’ I said. ‘I can’t believe I never knew. Do they talk about him?’
‘Yeah, it’s not a taboo subject or anything, and there are photos of him. We were identical.’ He swallowed and looked down. It obviously still meant something to him.
‘It must be strange to think you shared a womb with someone.’
Ollie nodded. ‘Sometimes I even have a sense that I remember him. It’s hard to describe … it’s nothing concrete, just a feeling.’
‘Wow.’ I looked at him, not really knowing what to say, and he smiled.
‘It’s fine. C’mon, let’s not get morose at a funeral.’ He rolled his eyes. ‘Such a cliché.’
Suddenly I noticed a pretty girl about our age eyeing Ollie up from a nearby table. I nudged him. ‘Hey, someone’s got their eye on you.’ I glanced in the girl’s direction.
Ollie raised his eyebrows. ‘Oh yeah.’ He turned back to me. ‘A woman of taste, obviously.’
‘Go and talk to her,’ I said. ‘Don’t stay here on my account.’
He shook his head. ‘Nah, I’m fine.’ He smiled. ‘I’m OK here.’
11
It was Devon Day.
‘Here they are!’ Cass waved as Jack’s clapped-out blue Fiesta came into view at the top of her road. He beeped a fanfare and the four of us all waved like loons, squealing and generally getting over-excited. It was the perfect day for a road trip. Painfully blue sky, not too cold, and the trees like an advert for autumn. And I’d spoken to Joe the night before. Happy days.
The boys unfolded themselves from the car and we all spent a joyful few seconds jumping up and down and hugging. Jack tried his best to grab me, Ash, Donna and Cass in a sort of one-man group hug, until Rich and Ollie joined him and we were all smooshed together in a big bundle of happy.
Donna was the first to extricate herself. She rubbed her hands together. ‘Right, when you’ve all finished penetrating each other, we should make a move.’
Within seconds Cass had a road map unfolded on the bonnet of her brother’s car. She beckoned everyone over. ‘OK, Jack and I’ll drive till here.’ She pointed at a services near Bournemouth. ‘Then we’ll stop for lunch and Donna and Rich can drive the rest of the way.’ She looked sternly at me, Ashley and Ollie. ‘And you three are making dinner tonight due to your slackness in not learning to drive in time for this trip.’
We piled into the cars, boys in one, girls in the other. Ash leant out of her window and shouted at the boys’ car. ‘Oi, you lot. No racing, OK? It’s lame. And we’d win.’ She pointedly looked Jack’s little car up and down. He flicked her some cheerful Vs, and we were off.
Cass was a good driver, as careful as you’d expect from Little Miss List-Maker, but pretty confident too. I was a bit in awe. I knew I should learn to drive, but frankly I was scared of having the potential to kill someone without meaning to. Not that I’d ever mean to, but you know what I mean. Anyway, I lucked out and got to sit in the front passenger seat. It was that kind of day. I flicked through the CDs in the glove compartment. Cass had obviously turfed out her brother’s and brought her own in.
‘Right, we’ve got Glee Season One …’ Retching from Ashley. ‘Or there’s Adele, Marina and the Diamonds, Ellie Goulding, Rihanna or … Oh my God …’ I slowly turned to face Cass. ‘Cassandra, really. Michael Bublé?’ Uproar in the car. Cass went scarlet.
‘Oh my God, it’s totally my mum’s!’ she protested. ‘I’ve no idea how it got in there!’
‘I’ve never heard such a girlie bunch of music in my life,’ said Ash. ‘But I could handle a bit of Rihanna – not “Umbrella”, though.’
It was perfect. There isn’t much that can lift the soul like driving to Devon with your best friends and bellowing ‘Cheers (Drink to That)’ with props to whoever can do the best Bajan accent. Life-affirming, that’s what it was.
After nearly an hour of singing and throwing of seat-bound R&B shapes, we gradually fell silent, the movement of the car lulling us. I relaxed and gazed out of the window. I was like the pinnacle of contented. Three more days, and I’d be with Joe again. I couldn’t wait. Smiling to myself, I started writing a quick text.
On way to Devon. See u in
few days 4 fun n
debauchery xx
‘Who’re you texting?’ asked Cass. She must have excellent peripheral vision – I never saw her eyes leave the road for a second.
I didn’
t look up from my phone. ‘Just Joe.’ She nodded slightly but didn’t say anything. She was concentrating on a massive lorry in front of us that was indicating to move into our lane. ‘God, I so can’t wait to see him,’ I continued. ‘It feels like ages since we saw each other.’
‘It has been ages,’ said Cass. ‘I don’t know how you do it. I miss Adam if I don’t see him, like, every two days, let alone for weeks on end.’
OK. Quite annoying. ‘Yeah well, ours is a different kind of relationship,’ I said, doing my best to keep my tone even. ‘Joe lives in London, I live in Brighton … We were never going to see each other every day.’
Cass took her hand off the steering wheel so she could pat my leg. ‘Poor old Sar Bear.’
‘Nah, it’s OK,’ I said. ‘When we do get together it’s like all the other times we could have been together are condensed into –’ I rolled my eyes and put on a cheesy advert voice – ‘über sex.’
Cass grinned. ‘Ew, Sarah. TMI, lady.’
I giggled. It was still a novelty to even be in the position of having too much information. I craned round to look at the back seats. Ash and Donna were fast asleep, Ashley’s head on Donna’s shoulder, drool inching out of the side of her mouth. Donna’s head was flung back, her mouth hanging open like she was catching flies. I tapped Cass’s hand and spoke through the side of my mouth. ‘Sleeping beauties, six o’clock.’ She looked in her rear-view mirror and giggled.
‘Aw, bless ’em. Quick, take a photo.’ But I was already holding up my phone. Definitely one for Facebook.
We sped along in companionable silence for a few more minutes. Then Cass said, ‘Actually, I haven’t seen Adam for a few days. He’s been really busy at work.’
It was my turn to pat her leg. It was stupid to get annoyed with her. She had it tough with him – we should be supporting each other. ‘Cass …’ I began, grateful that she had to keep her eyes on the road. ‘Do you ever … I dunno … like, wonder whether you’re doing the right thing staying with Adam? I’m only asking cos, y’know, me and Joe …’
‘All the time,’ she said, without hesitation.
‘So … why do you?’ I asked.
She pulled at her bottom lip. ‘Cos I would die if we broke up.’
I studied her face to see if she was purposely being over-dramatic, but her expression hadn’t changed. ‘Wow.’
She smiled briefly. ‘I know.’
I ran my hand through my hair. ‘I sometimes wonder. About Joe, I mean … Like, he told that Mimi girl that I was a virgin before we did it … and other stuff.’
It was the first time I’d told anyone, but Cass didn’t seem overly bothered, although I couldn’t see the expression on her face. ‘That was nice of him,’ she said wryly. ‘What did he say when you brought him up on it?’
‘Well … There’s a chance I may have just let it go,’ I mumbled.
Cass shot me a look. ‘Sarah, hon, Adam has his faults – I know you lot think that I don’t know, but, believe me, I do. But I also know he’d never tell another girl about our sex life.’
‘Yeah, but. Joe and Mimi are friends. Friends talk to each other.’ But even as I said it I thought: this is exactly what Cass does. She stands up for Adam when it’s blatantly obvious to everyone that he’s been a total dickwad.
Cass looked sceptical. ‘Some friend she is.’ And I had to agree with her. I decided I’d confront Joe when I saw him. He needed to know the way his so-called friend had spoken to me, and that I wasn’t comfortable with him revealing my private stuff. We would discuss it like adults and move on. I couldn’t let little things like this fester if we had any kind of a future together.
‘I guess me and Joe’ll be living together by the time we’ve been a couple as long as you and Adam have,’ I mused. I had to bite my cheek to stop myself grinning like an idiot.
‘Ooh, so you are a couple now?’ said Cass. ‘When did THAT happen?’
‘Uh, well … couple’s just a word,’ I backtracked. ‘It’s not like he announced it or anything.’
Cass raised her eyebrows – sceptically? – and we fell into silence again.
After a few minutes I said, ‘Cass, you won’t tell the others …’
She interrupted me. ‘Course not. Don’t be silly.’
We got to the services before the boys. Not that it was a race or anything – that would be immature – but we legged it into the building, giggling like idiots, scrabbling to look settled at a table before they arrived. We needn’t have bothered. They were a good fifteen minutes behind us, sauntering in as if they couldn’t care less. Yeah, right. Ashley raised an eyebrow and Jack held up his hand. ‘Before you say anything, we had to stop for petrol.’
Cass smiled smugly as she flicked through her Lonely Planet Guide to Devon and Cornwall. ‘Should have filled up before we left, like I did.’
‘Mi mi mi mi mi mi mi,’ mocked Rich, making yack-yack movements with his hands. Cass didn’t look up from her book, but I could see her cheekbones rise as she smiled.
‘Anyway,’ I said, rubbing my hands together. ‘I’m starving …’
As was everyone else, although it took a good ten minutes of earnest discussion for everyone to decide what they wanted. Ollie and I were put in charge of the Burger King run.
‘D’you think they’re going to make us work all week to make up for not being able to do a driving shift?’ I asked him as we waited in the queue.
He looked glum. ‘Probably. We’ll be like Cinderella, up before dawn to sweep out the fireplaces.’
‘And when exactly was the last time you swept anything?’ I said, going for an Ashley-style raised eyebrow.
‘Exactly. I’ll be rubbish at it.’ He shook his head sorrowfully. ‘Looks like you’re on sweeping duty, McSarey.’
I laughed. ‘Silly Ollie.’
He tilted his head in acknowledgement then nodded at the server. ‘Look lively, we’re next.’
The second half of the journey was not so much fun. An accident meant we were stuck in traffic for hours, so when we at last got to the youth hostel it was late and we were stiff, tired and grouchy. Donna got pissed off with Cass for bossing everyone around, Ash snapped at Jack for practising his cricket bowling with an invisible ball instead of joining in an argument about bedrooms, and Rich did a huge, exaggerated yawn when I mentioned in passing that I was waiting for a text from Joe. And all this while we were still checking in.
‘OH I DO LIKE TO BE BESIDE THE SEASIDE!’ a stadium-loud gravelly voice boomed behind us.
We all spun round to find Ollie sliding to his knees, strumming an air guitar in joke classic-rock style. Of course. Such an exhibitionist.
‘Thank you,’ he said, taking a little bow. ‘Now can I respectfully request that we all get a freaking grip? We’re on holiday, people.’ He grabbed Donna’s sleeve with one hand and Cass’s arm with the other and pushed them together. ‘Now kiss and make up, quick, so we can all go and get pissed.’
Rich licked his lips disgustingly. ‘Mmm-mm, hot lesbo action.’
Donna pretended to kick him. ‘Right, cos that’s like your total dream fantasy.’
Rich closed his eyes in an ask me no questions I’ll tell you no lies smirk, and we all trooped off to the boys’ room.
Donna sloshed vodka and then Coke into the mugs we’d borrowed from the hostel kitchen. We were sitting on the floor leaning against the room’s two metal bunk beds, the boys in a row opposite me, Ash, Donna and Cass. It was pretty uncomfortable, but the alternative was sitting on the top bunks, where there wasn’t anywhere to put our drinks. So floor it was.
‘Who’s up for a quick game of Have You Ever? then?’ Donna asked, as she licked the foam that had spilled down the side of her cup. Groans all round, but everyone agreed. Me and Cass shared a look. We’d talked about this before. If an idea came from Donna, Ashley or the boys, it was good. Like, sometimes it might be ironic-good (Have You Ever? definitely fell into this category), but it was always good. If we’d come up with th
e current plan, it’d have been laughed down as lame. I smiled at her and shrugged. I was actually happy to play the game. Now I had a … boyfriend? Now I had Joe, anyway, I had some sexual past to draw on. One time we’d played – we’d been in Year Eleven, I think – I’d caused much hilarity when I’d made some comment about sperm being yellow. I couldn’t remember why I thought it was yellow, or even why the subject had come up, but the memory made me go bright red with retrospective shame. Like, when you know something, the idea of not knowing it is instantly unthinkable. If I’d heard someone tell me that spunk was yellow now, I’d have gone hot and cold with embarrassment for them.
Donna tapped her lips with a fingertip. ‘Who wants to start?’ She narrowed her eyes and scanned each of us in turn.
Finally Ollie said, ‘Go on then, I’ve got one.’
Donna swept her palm across the rectangle of blue institutional carpet that was the space between us. ‘The floor is yours.’
He tapped his fingers against the side of his mug for a second. ‘Have you ever …’ He paused for dramatic effect. ‘Been in love?’
I actually blinked with surprise. I’d been expecting something sexual: have you ever done it in public, or have you ever farted while having oral sex (a particularly lovely one to Ashley from Donna last time we played the game, to which Ash genteely answered, ‘Ugh, no way, you skanky bitch’). Rich slung his arm across Ollie’s shoulders and held an imaginary microphone in front of his face. ‘So when exactly was it that you decided to become a woman?’
Ollie shrugged him off. ‘Piss off. Does it always have to be about shagging?’ He was laughing, but it had a bit of an edge.
Rich, Donna and Ashley looked at each other. ‘Yes!’ They high-fived each other.
