Ordinarily, Kate would have dumped her suitcases in the hallway and gone straight for the kettle on arriving home. But this time she had dumped her suitcases in the hallway and hopped straight into her car for Lily’s house. The skies were leaden, a fine drizzle peppering the windscreen as she drove through suburbs that looked grubby and uninspired against the stunning architecture of the city she had just come from. Everything was so different and everything seemed duller – the atmosphere as soon as she stepped off the plane; the attitude of the cabbie taking her home, the ordered and steady pace of the traffic that was a world away from the exuberant driving of the Italians, the chill of the streets where she lived, the angular, functional houses lacking in beauty or charm, the looks of boredom on the faces of her neighbours as they greeted her in a way that suggested they didn’t really care at all whether she was well or not. Perhaps it was the circumstances of her return – Lily in the darkest hour of her life and Kate herself leaving behind the man who might become the love of hers just when she’d found him, and, with him on duty until after her flight, not even time for a proper goodbye – but there were few more depressing prospects than this.
Her mood wasn’t any easier or more positive when she pulled up outside the house Lily shared with her boyfriend, Joel, who answered the door looking ten years older than his twenty-eight, his usually playful blue eyes ringed by dark shadows, matched by the uncharacteristic shadow of black stubble around his chin.
Kate stared at him as she stood on the doorstep. What did anyone even say in a situation like this? There were no words that would make it better, nothing that wouldn’t sound trite and hollow and meaningless. But his face told her everything she needed to know and she didn’t need the words; a quick, dull greeting was followed by a flat invitation in. All she could do was follow him into a house that felt as if every brick had absorbed the mood of its occupants so that it was bleak and unwelcoming, and nothing like the happy place it normally was.
Lily was lying on the sofa clutching a pillow to her chest, duvet tangled around her feet. Her hair was lank around a chalk-white complexion and puffy red eyes. Anna sat close by, looking tense, and their mother, newly arrived from Scotland, was weeping quietly on the opposite chair. On Kate’s arrival, her mum leapt up and threw her arms around her.
‘Oh, Kate! What a mess, what a terrible mess. . .’ she cried.
Lily forced the weakest smile as Kate pulled away, kissed her mum on the cheek, and then turned to her youngest sister.
‘How are you feeling?’ Kate asked.
‘Like you’d expect,’ Lily replied. ‘How was your flight back?’
‘Like you’d expect.’ Kate forced a smile of her own. She could tell that Lily was barely holding it together and the thing that would help most was that everyone else held it together for her. It didn’t look as if much of that had gone on, with their mum still crying and Joel looking as though his world had come to an end as he stood silently at the living-room doorway with his hands dug in his pockets, watching them with a blank, empty expression. The only person who looked calm and determined was Anna, but Anna had always been the rock of the family, even as a youngster.
Kate bent to kiss Lily. ‘I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry.’
‘There’s nothing to say.’ Lily’s eyes filled with tears. ‘It wasn’t meant to be, that’s all.’
‘That doesn’t make it any easier to bear, though.’
‘No. But nothing will make it easier. All we can do is grieve and look to the future.’
‘I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner.’
‘Why are you sorry for that? You were in Rome, and nobody was to know this was coming. I wouldn’t have called you back and cut your holiday short for anything.’
‘I know. But I would have wanted to be here if I could.’
Lily squeezed her hand, like she was the one having to give comfort and not the other way around. ‘You’re here now and so it’s OK. I had Joel and Anna and that was enough of us to be going on with.’
‘Are you OK in yourself?’ Kate asked. ‘I mean. . . It hasn’t damaged you in any way?’
‘Oh, the doctors sorted me out and I’m fine. It wasn’t pleasant but these things never are.’
‘So what now?’
‘They asked if we wanted to have a funeral and we said yes. We wanted to name the baby too. We called her Stella, because she’s going to be a star now. So at least there’s going to be a grave with a name we can visit. After that. . . I can’t even think that far ahead.’
‘You look exhausted.’
‘I am. But I’ll be OK in a couple of days. I’ve got sleeping tablets so I can get some rest later. I bet you’re tired too.’
Kate shrugged. ‘I’ll survive.’
‘So Rome was beautiful? And you had a good time?’
Kate smiled thinly. It was just like Lily to make everything about someone else, not to wallow in self-pity but to put those around her first. And at the back of her mind Kate also realised that she had a lot to tell her family about her time in Rome, and some news that they may not like to hear, but this wasn’t the time. Right now it didn’t feel as if it would ever be the time. How did she break this to her sisters, who needed her now more than ever? They’d been there all through her break-up with Matt, so how could she abandon them now? She would have to make a call to Alessandro that she was dreading, to explain her situation, that she now didn’t know when she could return, and hope he understood. ‘Rome was great,’ she said.
‘You’ve actually got a tan,’ Lily said. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever seen any of us gingers with a tan before.’
‘I hadn’t really noticed. I was out a lot, but it wasn’t so hot I got burnt.’
Anna stood up. ‘I’ll make some tea,’ she announced. ‘I think we could all do with one.’
‘Want me to help?’ Kate asked, straightening up. Anna nodded.
‘That would be good.’
Kate followed her to the kitchen, where Anna gently closed the door behind them.
‘How is she really holding up?’ Kate asked.
‘I’m not sure the full enormity of it has hit home yet,’ Anna said, filling the kettle from the tap. ‘She’s distraught, obviously, but I think she’s still in shock a bit as well. As for Joel, I don’t think he knows what to do with himself. These things are all a bit much for blokes, aren’t they?’
‘Most of them, yes.’
‘Just to make things even more complicated for your arrival home, I had a visit from Matt last night.’
Kate turned to her sister and raised her eyebrows in a silent question as she reached for some mugs from a cupboard.
‘He’d been round to the house and you weren’t there.’
‘Does he expect me to be holed up like a hermit all the time now that he’s gone?’
‘He said he’d been round a few times last week and you weren’t there, so he wanted to know where you were. I hope you don’t mind that I told him you were in Rome. I wanted to see the look on his face.’
Kate smiled faintly. ‘And was it worth it?’
‘I think you could have blown him over. I told him he didn’t need to worry about you and he didn’t need to keep checking up because you were totally over him and having the time of your life now you were divorced.’
‘I bet he loved hearing that.’
‘Serves him right.’
‘I don’t wish him any ill. I just don’t want to think about him any more. But actually I do need to talk to him at some point, because I really need to get this house sale sorted sooner rather than later.’
Anna turned to her. ‘I thought you weren’t in any hurry to leave the house? I thought you loved living there and didn’t want to move out?’
‘I’ve had a lot of time to think in Rome and I’ve concluded that the only way I’m going to move on is to throw out all the reminders of my old life. The sooner the house is gone the sooner I can start afresh somewhere else. Matt has made his choices and he needs to accept
the responsibilities that come with them. I want him out of my life and that won’t happen if I’m tied to him emotionally, financially or any other way.’
Anna nodded. ‘Good for you. I knew you’d come through this eventually. You’re stronger than you think you are.’
‘Maybe. But we have another worry now – Lily. She’s going to need all the support we can give her over the next few months, and my problems pale in comparison to what she’s going through.’
‘I don’t know. I suppose in a way you were mourning. The loss of a life, of a future you thought you were going to have. It must have been hard.’
It had been hard, but the truth for Kate was she now had the opportunity of a future that was like a blazing sun compared to the candle Matt had been offering. She was almost there, but Lily had a long way to go before her own situation would seem positive again.
‘It’s all water under the bridge now,’ Kate said briskly as she dropped teabags into a pot. ‘How do you think Mum seems to be coping with the news? Has it helped Lily, her being here?’
‘She’s been about as useful as that teapot if it was made from chocolate,’ Anna smiled. ‘She never was very good in a crisis and everyone is conscious of her own unpredictable mental state. In some ways I wish she hadn’t come, because as well as looking after Lily, I feel as if I have to watch Mum like a hawk in case this tips her over the edge again like Dad’s death did. But I think Lily is just happy to have her around. After all, don’t we all just want our mummies in the end, no matter how old we are?’
‘Probably,’ Kate said and smiled, thinking about how Alessandro clearly adored his own mother. ‘Right. . .’ she exclaimed, dusting off her hands, ‘we should get this tea brewed. I can’t tell you how desperate I am for a cuppa right now, and if we don’t go back through soon Lily will send out a search party.’
‘Good old tea, eh?’ Anna said ruefully. ‘Sorts out everything, doesn’t it?’
Chapter Twenty
Nothing brought you down to earth with a bump like a morning of cleaning, but it was needed after the house had been empty for a week, and Kate had to get on with it. She had already booked an estate agent to come and value the place too, and it was hardly going to look enticing to prospective buyers if the sales photos showed half an inch of dust over everything. Tomorrow she was supposed to be back at her desk, and despite her resolve to quit as soon as she landed back on home soil, she would undoubtedly chicken out and report for duty as usual. With that in mind, her last day of leave might be the last chance she got to go through the house properly.
She had reluctantly left Lily the night before with Joel and her mum, who was staying with them, and Lily had assured her and Anna that it was quite enough family members to make sure she was OK. This morning, a quick call to her mum, who told her that Lily had been fine overnight and had slept like a log due to her tablets, was followed by one to Matt where she briefly informed him they needed to meet up to sort out the loose ends of their relationship once and for all. He sounded genuinely shocked by her tone, and she supposed it was her own fault for letting him mess around and do things at a pace that suited his situation but not hers for all this time, but despite his surprise he’d agreed to meet on neutral territory to go over the necessary. There was a Costa in town that would fit the bill – not exactly cappuccino overlooking the Pantheon but it would have to do. She’d had a text from Jamie asking how she was, which had made her smile a lot and shone a brief light over her gloomy morning, and one from Alessandro to let her know he was thinking of her. She would have smiled at that too, but she knew she would have to phone him later and the thought of the conversation they needed to have tied her stomach in knots. He would think the worst, that she had strung him along and wasn’t going to return to Rome, and Kate had to admit, had the tables been turned, she would have thought the same. Anna would say that she had the home situation all in hand, but Kate knew that she would need her support in seeing Lily through her troubled time, no matter what any of them said to the contrary, so there was no way she could leave in the next few weeks at least, and she couldn’t really say when it was going to be a possibility. Away from the sparkling fountains and bright streets of the eternal city, reality was beginning to bite. What seemed possible there now seemed unreachable here when things like house sales, secure jobs and family ties came into the equation. Could love overcome all those obstacles, and a love that was brand new and untested at that?
Her gaze went to the suitcases as she passed them on her way to the windows with her ladders and bucket in hand, still unopened and unpacked in the hallway. Somehow, she hadn’t had the heart to do it, as if emptying them and throwing their contents into the laundry would somehow wash away the wonderful dream of her holiday, as if once the residue of Rome had gone from them it would mean it had never happened at all. It was silly, of course, and the sooner she got it done the sooner she could put the cases away and, besides, she had a much bigger packing job to embark on soon if she was going to sell the house and remove one more obstacle between her and the future she longed for.
With an impatient sigh, annoyed at herself for being so impractical about the things she needed to do, she stood the ladders against the wall and put down her bucket, grabbing the biggest suitcase to lug it upstairs to the bedroom. She did the same with the second, and once they were both up there proceeded to empty them, tossing the dirty clothes into the wash basket and replacing toiletries and make-up in the cabinets she had removed them from before she left. One last sweep of the pockets inside the case to make sure she hadn’t left anything in there, and her hand brushed against a folded piece of paper. With a frown she pulled it out and opened it up.
The page bore the mark of the hotel she’d been staying at; she recognised the paper from the notepad on the bedside table during her stay. On it in exquisite handwriting was a note.
Dear Kate
Know that as you read this you are in my heart. You are in my heart when I sleep and when I wake, in every minute of every hour, and I count the days until you return. I will be only half alive until you come back to Rome and to my arms.
Alessandro.
Kate clutched the note to her chest, overwhelmed by a surge of emotions that reduced her to instant tears. He must have written it when she was asleep, during that last afternoon they had spent together, and slipped it in her suitcase to find when she got home. Nobody had ever done something so romantic for her. She was filled with love for him and with sadness too. Already she missed him so much it hurt in a way that was physical, and her gut twisted at the thought of the weeks, even months, that she might have to spend away from him. He had promised he would be patient, but how long would he wait? She couldn’t expect him to hang around forever, could she? What if he gave up on her, thought she was moving on without him and did the same? What if he began to think she wasn’t coming back and was stringing him along? What if he lost faith? She could call him every day, tell him that things were moving along and that she would be back soon, but words without actions meant nothing in the end. Rome was full of beautiful women, ones that were probably a great deal more suited to him and his family. His mother was keen for him to marry – what if her efforts to find the right woman for him came good? There were perfect candidates right under her nose, after all, including the very persistent Orazia, who seemed intent on winning Alessandro back despite what he said to the contrary. If only that damn woman hadn’t made her feelings known, perhaps Kate wouldn’t find herself obsessing over the threat she posed, even if it wasn’t a real one, which it probably wasn’t.
She sat on the bed and stared at the note. What had she done? This was a crazy, doomed romance, and she had instigated it, encouraged it, made it an impossible thing that neither could live without but might yet break both their hearts. She should have listened to the voice in her head that told her to leave well alone, should have walked away while she had the chance and filed Alessandro away as a brief, fun flirtation on her first holiday a
s a single woman. She was an idiot, because this couldn’t work, could it?
Tucking the note away in her jewellery box, she tried to shake her negative thoughts. Her future with Alessandro might be uncertain, but she had a future regardless and she had to stay positive if it was going to be worth anything at all. There were windows downstairs waiting to be washed. Not exactly lunch on the Piazza Navona, but it was a start.
Accompanied by the chug of the coffee machine and the low hum of conversation, the smell of roasted beans and sweet syrups on the air, Kate put down her own drink and took a seat across from Matt, who already had a latte on the table in front of him, half of it gone, and an empty biscotti packet.
‘Just to keep me going until tea,’ he said by way of an explanation as Kate’s gaze settled on the litter. ‘Tamara’s cooking spag bol for when I get back.’
‘You’ve trained her up quick,’ Kate commented, shrugging her jacket off. ‘Does she know Tuesday night is spag bol night or is it just a coincidence?’
He fingered the handle of his cup but didn’t reply. He looked uncomfortable, but Kate didn’t care. She hadn’t come here to make friends, she had come here to make him get on with the things he should have been doing at the start of their break-up.
‘How is she?’ Kate asked. ‘Blooming?’
‘She’s good.’
‘Lovely. Give her my best won’t you?’ The sarcasm in her tone was unmistakable, though her expression was neutral.
‘Don’t be like that, Kate, please. I thought we might be past that now. Tamara is a great girl and none of this is her fault. And I think you’d like her if you got to know her.’
‘Very probably. But as it would be a bit weird, a sociable night out is hardly likely to happen, is it? So I’ll have to take your word for that.’
‘So we’re dispensing with the niceties, are we?’ Matt asked, his tone hardening to match hers.
‘What did you expect from me?’
Rome is Where the Heart is: An uplifting romantic read, perfect to escape with (From Italy with Love Book 1) Page 20
