by Adam Silvera
Dr. Anderson shifts to the edge of his seat. “Perfectly fine. Should I join you?”
“No.” He’s a few inches taller than me and is intimidating enough.
“Shall we begin? Care for a glass of water?”
His desire to make me comfortable is only making me anxious. I want to be able to talk to him because I have no one else, but I can already feel an itch in the center of my palm. “Let’s just do this.”
Dr. Anderson relaxes back into his seat. “Your parents have filled me in on everything you’ve been going through lately,” he says gently. “I’d love to hear everything from you.”
This is impossible because they don’t know everything. They don’t know I played a role in Theo’s death, and they don’t know everything I’ve been up to since breaking up with him. My face warms up. I scratch at my palm and pull at my earlobe. I turn away from Dr. Anderson, staring at the wall so he’s now to my right. I want to punch all the stupid certificates that supposedly credit him with powers to heal me. I want to tear the clock away that’s simultaneously crawling and rushing me.
This is not going to help. Dr. Anderson has as many true powers as a street magician. He’s just a dude with card tricks and hidden wires.
But I know I’ve been lying to myself, too. I know Theo is still out there, watching me. He’s followed me into his room, and this can’t be how he finds everything out.
I have to tell him myself.
Saturday, December 17th, 2016
I’m ready to talk again, Theo.
I should say sorry for giving you the silent treatment, but we can both agree that’s the last thing I should be apologizing for right now. I have no words for what I learned on Wednesday. But words never even brought you back to me when you were alive. Words are actually what sent you walking into the Pacific Ocean. You have to know I’m sorry for being the reason you’re no longer part of this universe, for being the reason you will never get to experience the future you were working so hard for, for being the reason you will never get to employ any of your genius strategies against the damn zombie pirates, and for being the reason everyone will grieve until they’re dead themselves.
But there’s something else you should know. It’s time I use my words for good and stop twisting them just because I regret the truth.
HISTORY
Wednesday, February 10th, 2016
“I’m not going.”
I throw my textbooks in my locker, one by one, take out my peacoat, and slam the door shut. Several students glance at me as if there’s a bubble above my head that will tell them why I’m so pissed and hurt, but they keep moving so they can get home and watch Netflix and dick around on Facebook. But Wade isn’t leaving my side.
“We haven’t seen him in, what, five or six months?” Wade says. “It’s his birthday.”
“And he brought his new boyfriend here to spend it with him.” I spent the past month excited about Theo coming home for his birthday, but a couple of days ago, he dropped the Jackson bomb over text. “He doesn’t want me there,” I say. Theo doesn’t want me, period. I walk away, putting on my coat and hat.
“You broke up with him,” Wade says.
“He wasn’t supposed to move on the next day with some me-knockoff,” I say.
“I thought it was two months,” Wade says. “And you guys aren’t clones.”
“We had a plan and he’s . . . I don’t care.” I leave through the side entrance, the cold biting at my face immediately. I hope Californian Jackson is having a rough time out here.
Wade follows me outside without his coat and jumps in my way. “I swear you’re going to regret this.”
“Get back inside.” I try to walk around him, but he’s persistent.
“You both swore to me you wouldn’t let your relationship get in the way of our squad, remember?”
I remember. I remember being that idiot. “Take it up with Theo.”
“Well, I’m still going to the dinner.” Wade shivers and shakes his head. “At least give him a call later, okay? I know you’ll both feel better if you at least talk.”
“Okay.” I can do that. “Seriously, get back inside. I’ll see you tomorrow.” We fist-bump and Wade finally lets me pass him, just in time so I can cry without him seeing me.
The puzzle portrait of Theo and me, the one Wade gave me two Christmases ago, sits in my lap. I’ll never understand how time can make a moment feel as close as yesterday and as far as years.
So I call Theo, remembering all the good things about Theo during our friendship and relationship, like how thoughtful he’s always been and how he’s always made me feel safe. If I focus on all the times he’s messed up since he met Jackson, I’ll just be an asshole, which he doesn’t need from me, especially not on his birthday.
“Hello?” He’s upset.
“Hey,” I say. “Happy birthday.” I want to ask how dinner is, but common sense shuts me up.
“Thanks.”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t make it out tonight,” I say. I do regret not going—maybe Wade is psychic after all—but I also know it was the right move.
“Same,” Theo says. “You think you’ll be able to hang out tomorrow? I really want to see you.”
Maybe our relationship isn’t such a blip in his eyes after all. “Yeah, Wade and I can—” I shut up when I hear Jackson and Ellen laughing in the background. Bonding has never made me feel so nauseous before. “Hey, I have to go. But enjoy the rest of your night, okay?”
“Griff, wait, what happened?”
“I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Theo. Happy birthday.”
“Talk to me, I—”
I hang up and throw the puzzle portrait across the room. It doesn’t seem right that it remains intact.
Tuesday, May 17th, 2016
“Maybe Theo died,” Wade tells me over the phone.
“That’s not funny,” I say.
A couple of hours ago, around ten my time, Theo uploaded a filtered photo on Instagram of himself with Jackson, both of them wearing shades and too much sunscreen on their foreheads, playing chess at the beach. It’s safe to assume the game was earlier, but I don’t know what else Theo has been doing with his day that he can’t call and wish me a happy birthday.
I know this isn’t some revenge nonsense left over from February when I didn’t go to his birthday dinner. We talked that one out; he gets that I wasn’t ready to meet Jackson.
“You still haven’t opened his present?” Wade asks.
“Nope.”
I’ve opened every other present today except the one the UPS guy dropped off this afternoon. It arrived right as I got home from school. My parents got me some new video games and an envelope of gift cards. Wade baked me a dozen cupcakes, and I haven’t tried any of them yet, though I lied and told Wade they’re great.
“Your birthday is over in a couple of minutes,” he says.
I didn’t need that reminder. “Yeah. I’m going to open it now. I’ll talk to you at school tomorrow.”
“I got to wait until tomorrow?”
“I doubt it’ll be worth the wait.”
“Better not be.”
“Thanks again for the cupcakes.”
“Happy birthday, Griffin. See you tomorrow.”
It’s weird seeing Theo’s dorm address on the package instead of his Manhattan address. I grab a pen and stab my way into the box. I pull out a pair of navy boots with black laces and a card.
The card reads:
Happy birthday, Griff. I saw these and thought of you immediately. You’ll look cooler than everyone else out here.
Your best friend in the apocalypse,
Theo.
P.S.: Wear these EVERYWHERE because the post office here sucks. EVERYWHERE, I SAY, EVERYWHERE.
It’s a great gift and I will wear the boots everywh
ere, but I don’t know how I can count on him to be my best friend during the apocalypse when he can’t even call me on my birthday. There’s still another two minutes.
I’m sure he’ll come through. Right?
Thursday, June 30th, 2016
Everything feels wrong. I’m hugging Theo for the first time since last August. I have both arms wrapped around him, with my chin pressed deep in his shoulder, and he’s hugging me like I’m his uncle, not best friend slash first love. Theo feels wrong.
He looks wrong too. He’s come home with a slight tan I didn’t really expect because of all the filtered photos he uploads. I don’t want him to look unhappy, but I don’t like how airy he seems, like life has finally made sense now that he left.
“It’s great seeing you guys,” Theo says, hugging Wade a lot more intimately than he does me. It’s not like Jackson is here and can see us; he’s vacationing with his father this week in Cancun. I’d be surprised if it’s actually for “father-son bonding” and not a guilt trip.
“You too,” I say, burying my hands in my pockets.
“It’s been a minute,” Wade says.
Theo sees the boots he got me for my birthday, the toes scratched from how often I wear them. “The boots!”
“I’m wearing them everywhere, as requested,” I say.
“Good going on messing up his birthday,” Wade says.
“Honest mistake,” Theo says. “It’s weird thinking of Griffin being born on an odd-numbered day. At least I got the shoe size right!”
Why can’t Theo’s coming home ever be simple? Even though Jackson isn’t here with him this time, I still feel his presence all afternoon. Theo avoids saying his name so he doesn’t set me off. Don’t get me wrong, I prefer it this way, but whenever Theo’s about to talk about him, he turns to me and changes the subject, like I should feel guilty. He’s also checking his phone constantly, answering Jackson’s texts immediately. I can’t wait until we’re underground on our way to Brooklyn for randomness so his California me-knockoff can’t reach him.
On our way to the train station, Wade brings up colleges. “I don’t think I could be away from home that long. I’m probably going to stick around here in the city next fall.”
“It’s not the worst thing,” Theo says.
It’s not the worst thing because he’s found himself paradise, whereas the rest of us are stuck here missing him, alone. “I’m definitely applying to SMC,” I say.
Theo nods. “If that’s what you want you totally should.” Now he sounds like a fucking guidance counselor.
“Of course it’s what I want,” I say. I almost remind him it’s what we both want, but I promised Wade I wouldn’t make today about Theo and me. I have no idea what I want to study in college, but I know Theo and I only stand a chance at repairing our relationship if we’re closer.
On the 4 train to Union Square, Theo and Wade talk about Netflix shows. I feel invisible and voiceless. I’m sitting opposite of Theo and Wade, and they’re both laughing away like it’s totally normal how Theo and I don’t fit anymore. It reminds me of the early years of our friendship, when Theo and Wade were the best of friends and I was the odd man out, this add-on they were auditioning for their squad. I’m shrinking back into an eleven-year-old desperate to prove himself, desperate to show Theo I could be really helpful when he’s putting together puzzles, desperate to be caught up on all the latest cinematic scores so Wade would think I was cool.
Screw this.
We get off at Union Square, and while we’re waiting for the L train, I stand between the two of them, getting in Theo’s face.
“We need to talk.”
“Griff . . .”
I turn to Wade. “I need ten minutes with him. Alone.” Wade tries protesting, but I grab Theo’s hand and drag him down the platform, stopping underneath the staircase. “Okay, we need to cut the shit here for ten minutes. Can you do that? Can you give me complete honesty for ten minutes, and then we can go back to playing dumb?”
Theo looks like he might cry. He pulls out his phone. I’m about to remind him there’s no service down here—he hasn’t been in California that long that he could possibly have forgotten this already—but he sets a timer for ten minutes and starts it.
I wouldn’t have set a timer. I want an entire life where I’m honest with him without repercussions, but since I offered ten minutes, I’ll take what I can get. “Are we still endgame?”
Theo nods, shakes his head, shrugs, and freezes. “I don’t know.”
“Do you know if you still love me? Or have I been completely delusional about everything between us?”
“You’re not delusional,” Theo says. “I do love you. But I love Jackson too.” It’s the first time he’s told me he loves him. I filled in that blank myself, but it’s still more painful even than the first time he told me they had sex. “I don’t know what to do. You broke up with me, Griff. We kept talking, but I didn’t know what your goal actually was. I thought maybe you were over me. Jackson was there, and I liked him.”
I nod. My body is on fire. “Should I bow out?”
“No, no. I mean. I don’t know. It’s not fair for me to make you wait,” Theo says.
“Will it suck for you if you know I’m not here waiting for you?”
“Yeah.” Theo nods. “I know that’s selfish, but you want the truth.”
It is selfish.
An express train on the other side of the station rockets past us, keeping us quiet and staring at each other. I’m tempted to grab his hand again, this time to hold it, but I feel rejected before I even reach out. When the train passes, Theo asks me if there’s someone else.
“Of course not.”
“You don’t have to lie if there is. I would get it.”
“I don’t lie to you,” I say. “Let’s say I move to California for school. What happens then? Do you break up with Jackson?”
“Probably.”
I haven’t loved a possibility like this in so long. I’ve been loyal to my love for him, and if I can hold on for a little bit longer, we might get our endgame after all. Theo is willing to throw away everything he has with his convenient boyfriend, who was “there.”
“Okay. I miss you so much,” I say.
“I miss you too,” Theo says. “I keep walking to Jackson’s right. There have been times I expect to see you, and it’s like a punch to the face.”
He holds out his hand for me and I take it, of course, but I don’t expect him to pull me in for a kiss. I doubt kissing me was part of Theo’s agenda today. It doesn’t matter. Kissing is what we do for the next few minutes until the timer blares its alarm in his pocket, vibrating against my leg. I don’t want to stop, but Theo lets go of my hand and backs away.
“That’s all taboo, right?”
“Yeah. We’re back to playing dumb now, Theo.”
Theo walks around the staircase to find Wade. I follow him, feeling a lot like I did on my birthday—sad but also a little victorious because he sent me a gift. When the L train arrives, I imagine it being the same train where Theo and I first came out to each other.
Thursday, August 11th, 2016
It’s been a pretty lonely summer. Theo was only here for two weeks. But there were more than a few times I couldn’t stomach hanging out with him because of how often Jackson would text and call. Wade kept busy with parties and job hunts, but now he seems adrift, too, trying to salvage what’s left of freedom before we enter our senior year. I’m counting down the days until I’m out in California with Theo. Granted, a part of me isn’t counting on actually being with Theo when I get there. I’m not that unrealistic.
Now Wade and I are sitting on Wade’s bedroom floor. We’re bouncing his handball back and forth, listening to the Iron Man soundtrack.
“You still feel like breaking up was the right move for me?” I ask him.
<
br /> “Yeah,” Wade says. “I know you don’t feel that way.”
He’s right. I’ve asked myself that same question over and over, every morning when I wake up without a text from Theo, every night when I go to bed wishing I could video chat him to say good night, and my answer is never yes. Not when I’m being honest with myself.
“I’m not stupid to think so,” I say.
“I never said you were. But it’s been a year, right? You got to do you.”
“He’s just killing time with Jackson,” I say, bouncing the handball back his way. I shouldn’t be talking about this, but I’m cracking. “Theo said we’d get back together once I was out there in California.”
“When did he say that?” Wade throws the ball behind him on the bed.
I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it; I have to talk with someone. I tell Wade everything Theo and I agreed is taboo. He’d probably be really upset at me for betraying his confidence—even though it’s Wade—but I’m alone here. Theo can at least forget about me in the meantime. I’m crying when I finish spilling because I’m not sure I can go another year of Theo not loving me the way I know he can.
“Theo is an asshole to make you wait,” Wade says. His voice is harsh, not the usual joking way he bullies Theo to his face or talks about him behind his back to me.
I shake my head and get a grip on myself. “It’s my fault. I broke up with Theo . . . I broke up with Theo before he could break up with me.” It’s the first time I’ve said the truth out loud. I’m sabotaging my trust with Theo and my trust with myself because being brutally honest is the relief I’ve needed since last year. “I didn’t think he could keep loving me. I thought it was better if I just killed it dead before he did. This way, I can say I controlled our outcome. Except he said he’s still in love with me.”
In some weird way I wish I was the one who almost got hit by a car last summer so Theo could have had that flash moment where he has to picture life without me. Maybe I’d be able to “do me” the way Wade thinks I should.
