by Margaret Kay
Mother’s gaze was compassionate. “If it becomes a problem, make sure you speak up. There’s no reason to suffer.”
Kennedy felt the opposite. She felt she deserved to be punished for the life she had led. Now that she had distance from it, she could see more clearly how manipulative Stan had been. Everything he’d done had been planned, deceptive, to use her. She didn’t regret helping Kaliah, and she’d do it again, but this time she’d take her to child welfare herself.
“You still have feelings for Gary, don’t you?” Mother asked, breaking in on her thoughts.
“How could I not? Gary is one of the good guys.”
“He is,” Mother said. “And he deserves only the best in his life.”
Sadness hit Kennedy square in the chest. Danny didn’t think she was good enough for Gary. She glanced at the floor, unable to make eye contact with him, knowing he felt that way. Jesus, he judged her too.
“Kennedy,” he said, raising her chin with his fingertips until she looked him in the eye. “You’re the best for Sloan. That’s why you have to tell him how you feel. Come on, you know you don’t want to leave him. The Marshals can make your new identity here with him. They did it for Angel.”
Her eyes opened wide. “Angel?
Mother smiled and nodded. “She was in a situation very similar to yours when Jackson met her. Now she’s very much a part of the agency, like everyone else.”
“Gary isn’t going to get past what I’ve done. I see it in his eyes every time he looks at me.”
“I think you’re reading thoughts that aren’t there.”
Kennedy shook her head. “If he wanted me to stay, he’d say so, and he hasn’t.”
Mother shook his head at that. They were both being damn stubborn.
Dr. Lassiter opened the door to his inner office before Sloan even had the outer door closed.
“Hi Joe,” he greeted. Joe swung the door wide, inviting him in. Sloan led him to the kitchenette. He grabbed his favorite mug, the one with the trident on it, and sat it to the Keurig. “Can I brew you a cup?”
Lassiter held up his bottle of water. “Thanks, but I’ve already hit my limit of coffee for the morning. Charlie team got back at zero four hundred. I’ve been in ever since.”
“These extra check-ins have you working more hours, I’d guess,” Sloan remarked.
“A few, but for a while I think it’s valuable. Charlie Team has been in the field so much I hadn’t talked with any of them in months because everything has been routine. That doesn’t mean everyone is A-Okay though.”
“So, they were pulled from the field just to come check-in?” Sloan asked. That was taking this a bit too far, he thought. There had to be something major up that he wasn’t aware of.
“No, they came in to pick up BT and Michael. They are going out in the field with Charlie Team to start some of the training on the Power Grid Protection Project, so I met with them each while they were in. They’re all enthusiastic about taking on some more traditional cases again and turning over half of the work to the new Echo Team. None of those men signed up to do that project for so long. Imagine if suddenly you were put on it for a year? I’m sure you’d be bored stiff.”
“You got that right,” Sloan said. His cup was done brewing. He took a seat at the table across from Lassiter.
“Tell me about Kennedy,” Lassiter prompted, changing the subject.
“Going back to L.A. was rough on her. She told me before we left that knowing Melody was her sister and they killed her, made her so angry she wanted to kill whoever was responsible. I wasn’t shocked when she went rogue.” He wouldn’t tell Lassiter that he respected her for it.
“You talked her down,” Lassiter said.
“Yeah, though a part of me really wanted to just let her pull the trigger, one less scumbag to prosecute and waste money housing in jail for the rest of his life.”
“You had to have a certain degree of anger towards them for what they’d done to Kennedy for over a decade.”
Sloan just stared at Lassiter but said nothing.
“Come on, Sloan, don’t even try to tell me this isn’t personal for you. You were going to marry her, and even now with the care you’ve given her, it’s clear you have feelings for her.”
Sloan gazed down at the table. He hadn’t thought he’d have to talk about how he felt about Kennedy. He thought this would be the normal, you killed a man, how do you feel about that, discussion.
“Kennedy was a big part of my life for a long time. I’d be lying if I said I had no feelings for her. A part of me will always love her.”
“Is that a past tense, current tense, or future tense thing?” Lassiter asked.
“I guess it’s an always thing.”
“Is that why you tore out of here so fast when you got the call about her death?”
“Damn it. Joe, that hit me hard, and you know it did, so I won’t even pretend it didn’t. Yeah, it’s personal, everything about it.”
“But you talked her down so she wouldn’t kill him.”
“Yeah, she doesn’t need the shit she’d have to deal with if she did. I know fully well how much it fucks with your soul when you take a life, no matter how justified you are.”
“Speaking of which, you shot and killed the man who got her into it, her manager. Any satisfaction from that?”
Sloan’s lips cracked a small smile. “Maybe a little,” he confessed. “He knew he was in deep shit, knew if he was arrested it would be a very long stint in jail. I saw the desperation in him. He wasn’t going out any other way than feet first. You can always tell.”
“From what I read it was a good shoot, doesn’t mean you’re okay with it though.”
“This one I am fine with. He knew right away she was Kennedy. Yeah, a part of me is glad he pushed it. No one knows she’s still alive. It’s for the best.”
“She’ll be in WITSEC within the next few days, gone from your life again.”
Now Sloan glanced out the window.
“Unless you don’t want her to go.”
“It’s not about what I want. It’s about what she wants, and she wants to disappear.”
“Do you think that’s the best thing for her?”
“I think she should at least confront her parents about the adoption. The questions she has about that won’t go away.”
“I was asking more from the perspective of her being all alone out there and away from you. Is there anything between you two left unexplored?”
Sloan shrugged. “Given that she’s hell-bent on leaving everything from her past behind, I guess not.”
“Have you talked with her about it?”
“What am I supposed to say to her, Joe? Our relationship ended over ten years ago.”
Lassiter stared hard at Sloan. He was acting uncharacteristically passive. “That relationship did, but what about the new one you’ve established since you two have been reunited?”
“Joe, she wants to disappear and leave everything and everyone she knows behind, including me.”
Lassiter wasn’t so sure about that and he wouldn’t be until he sat down and talked with Kennedy.
Kennedy stared at the unusual script letter tattoos that ran the underside of Danny’s forearms. “That’s an F.” She pointed to the wrist of his right hand.
“A backwards F, actually,” Mother corrected her. “Here, take a look.” He motioned her in front of the mirror that was on the wall. He stood behind her and held his forearms up, around her, his arms parallel with the wall.
In the mirror’s reflection Kennedy read the now perfect script letters that ran down the underside of each forearm. “Semper Fidelis.” She smiled. “You were a Marine.”
“I’ll always be a Marine,” he corrected her.
They both laughed as Gary came through the door. He tamped down the irrational feelings that spiked, seeing Mother’s arms practically wrapped around Kennedy. “Hey, what’s going on?”
“Nothing,” Mother said, taking a step back and drop
ping his arms.
“Danny was just showing me his tattoos. I noticed the backwards script letters. It’s so cool to have them so he can see them in a mirror.” She smiled at Gary. “I’ve been thinking about getting another. Remember when I got my butterfly?” Her eyes shifted to Danny. “Gary held my hand. I went on my eighteenth birthday. My parents were pissed, and they were pissed at Gary for not talking me out of it.” Her fond gaze settled on Gary. “You were one of the few things in my life they approved of. They were shocked when I told them we had broken up, and of course, my dad blamed me for it, was sure I’d done something to ruin the relationship.”
Sloan didn’t know what to say to that, so he reached out and took her into an embrace. “I’d say we both did,” he said at last. His eyes met Mother’s. “What time are you up with Lassiter?”
“He hasn’t contacted me yet,” Trio said.
Sloan led Kennedy from the room and brought her back to the apartment on nine. He urged her to take that nap she needed.
“What happens now?”
“The Marshals will be called in to take custody of you. I imagine that will happen sometime in the next few days.”
“So, we just hang out here till then?”
“Angel’s aunt, a hairstylist will be in this afternoon to change your appearance, hair color, cut.”
Kennedy yawned and then stretched out on the bed. “That nap does sound good.”
Kennedy watched Gary pull the door open. The gold lettering on the black door read Dr. Joe Lassiter. “I still don’t understand why I have to see him.”
Sloan’s lips pulled into a smirk. “Because he can help you sort out your feelings. Kennedy, you’ve been through a lot of trauma. Jesus, you would have killed that man if I hadn’t stopped you, not that I blame you for wanting to, believe me on that. And, you saw me kill Stan, the second person in the last week or so you saw shot. PTSD is a sneaky bastard that rears its ugly head when you least expect it. This is just to get in front of it.”
She glanced around the outer office waiting room.
The sound of muffled voices from within the inner office area got louder, mixed with laughter, until the door was opened. Joe Lassiter and Danny Trio stood within.
“Thanks, Joe,” Danny said. Then his eyes settled on Kennedy. “Hi,” he greeted with a nod. “I’m glad you agreed to come talk with Joe.”
Kennedy didn’t realize she’d had a choice. Had she agreed to it? Not really. Gary said she had to, so here she stood. She forced a smile. “Yes, it can’t hurt.”
“Lassiter will let me know when you’re almost done, and I’ll be waiting right here for you,” Sloan said.
Kennedy nodded as she watched Gary and Danny go out through the main door together.
“Would you like a cup of coffee?” Joe Lassiter asked. “I was just about to make myself a cup.”
“Sure,” she replied, following him into the suite. She glanced around the small kitchenette as they entered.
“The mugs are up in that cabinet. Go ahead and grab yourself one,” Joe said as he filled the reservoir with water.
Kennedy opened the cabinet to see three shelves loaded with mugs of every size and color. She chose the one that said St. Maartin, a place she had always wanted to go.
Lassiter smiled as he took it from her. “Madison brought me this back from one of her trips. It’s her favorite island. You’ve met Madison, haven’t you?” Of course, Lassiter knew she had. Not only did he read all mission reports, he was notified of all mission assignments. He knew everyone’s movements, what missions who were going on to where and why.
“Yes. She’s great. She was in L.A. when we got there, but I met her in Cleveland.”
Joe pointed at the table and then sat her cup to it. “There’s creamer in the fridge if you take it.”
Before seating herself, she opened the refrigerator door to find a bowl of different flavored creamers. She chose the hazelnut this time. Then she sat and waited, watching him brew his own cup in the Keurig. She noted he took his black as he sat the cup across the table from her before taking the seat.
He sipped his coffee, watching her glance all around the room. “So, you have had some significant upheavals to life beginning with the decision to rescue that girl and then flee L.A. with Melody, followed by her murder, nearly dying in that attic, reconnecting with Gary, finding out Melody was really your twin and that you were adopted, and now everything that just went down in L.A. That’s a lot for one person to have to deal with.”
Kennedy was stunned, listening to him recite what all had happened in the last few weeks. And, she was shocked he knew it all. “I guess so. And I guess that’s why I’m here, huh?”
“So, here’s the thing about PTSD, it sneaks up on you and then in many cases completely disables you from functioning. That’s why you’re here, because I happen to be an expert at diagnosing it and treating it.”
Kennedy made a sarcastic humph sound. “Are you now?”
“Yes. I am a living, breathing example of PTSD not being recognized and diagnosed when it should have been. I wasted more years of my life suffering than I’d like to admit, but I got through it with the help from a professional and then dedicated my life to helping others so they wouldn’t go through what I did. I know you noticed the scars on my face and neck right away. Everyone does. I sustained major wounds from an IED followed by capture and torture by the enemy in the Middle East.”
Kennedy was shocked and embarrassed she’d questioned his proclamation of being an expert on PTSD. “I’m sorry. I don’t even know what to say. I can’t even imagine what you went through.”
“I’m here to tell you that talking about your feelings, fears, nightmares, anger, and regrets is the only way to get ahead of PTSD.
“I have a lot of feelings, fears, and regrets.”
“I get the sense that goes beyond the last few weeks.”
Kennedy blew out a breath. “I’ve read about girls who were abused or forced to decide to do things like I did. I’ve read how sometimes it took them years to get over what happened. Is that like a PTSD thing too?”
Lassiter nodded. “It can be. Do you want to talk about the last decade of your life?”
“Not particularly.”
“What about Gary?”
“Oh, I already have a lot of regrets where he is concerned.”
“Do you still have feelings for him?”
Kennedy turned her chair so she could gaze out at the mall parking lot. “We are both very different people than we were at twenty-one. I loved him then and a part of me never stopped loving him. But that girl and that guy no longer exist.”
“And what about new feelings now that you’ve been reunited?”
“Gary will never forgive me for what I’ve done over the last twelve years. I see it in his eyes whenever he looks at me.”
“I didn’t ask you what you think Gary feels. I asked you how you felt?”
Kennedy focused on the parking lot, on a woman about her age unloading three young children from the back of a minivan. When she and Gary were together in college, she always thought that would be her someday. “Sad. I have a lot of regrets about things and Gary is at the top of the list. He insists that had we gotten married back then that we would have divorced in a few short years.”
“Kennedy, how do you feel about Gary? Are there warm feelings based on who he is now? Do you want to explore a relationship with him now?”
Kennedy clenched her eyes closed, blocking out that mother in the parking lot that she would never be and Dr. Lassiter’s questions. Inside she screamed yes. She couldn’t voice those thoughts. Voicing them would make them real, which would hurt her more when they parted again, soon.
“What I want really doesn’t matter, now does it? Gary’s been great, the whole team has. But I know professional courtesy when I see it. They’re all just doing their jobs, which they do very well. As far as Gary specifically and how I feel about him, how could I not have warm feelings toward
s him. He’s a great guy. He’s always been a great guy. That’s why I fell in love with him back in high school and why I planned to marry him in college.”
“I think interpreting others’ thoughts and feelings and taking them as gospel without asking the person how they really feel is dangerous and self-destructive. And I think you owe it to yourself to ask and see if he really feels that way. At the very least, I think you owe it to him to tell him how you feel about him now and let him make the decision.
Kennedy shook her head. “I wouldn’t open myself up to that kind of rejection again from him.”
“Again?” Lassiter asked.
