by Avery Wilde
“Oh, Cara,” Lucia exclaimed with the roll of her eyes. “Of course we do. You know I’ve always wanted my children to be close in age and well, as you know, my husband can’t keep his hands off me for long. So why not? Why wait and delay the inevitable?”
A thousand reasons ran across my mind on why she should have waited, but I realized they were all my reasons. Lucia loved being a wife and a mother to her perfect little family, and I supposed in a weird sort of way I was a little jealous of that. Here I was struggling to decide if I wanted to even see the baby I’d given up all those years ago. She wouldn’t understand my reasoning and I didn’t want her to worry about me. I was fine. I always was fine.
“You’re totally right, especially if it makes you happy,” I finally said no longer having to force the smile and took her hand, giving it a squeeze. “Congratulations, I’m so happy for you both. I bet Jacob is over the moon.”
“Thank you. He really is,” she said, a smug smile on her face. If I didn’t know better—or if Jacob got his way—I reckoned Lucia was going to end up being a mother to a whole team of kids, one that could probably fill a soccer side. “Now tell me what’s going on with you?”
“Huh?” My eyes lifted up in surprise. “Why do you think there’s something going on with me?” I asked, immediately on the defensive. A small part of me wanted to tell her what was going on, but the rest was adamant to keep it to myself; I didn’t want her to know about my kid. Lucia knew practically everything about me except that one dark and shameful moment in my life and the last thing I wanted to have happen was her to start looking at me with contempt or even pity.
Lucia laughed. “Oh come on, Cara! I have been your friend forever. Are you really trying to convince me that I can no longer pick out when my friend has something on her mind? I’m not sure if you know this, but I am a therapist, I know when you’re hiding things,” she said with a smile. She was trying to keep the conversation light by joking around, but it didn’t last long. The smile faded and worry replaced it.
I swallowed hard, hating that I was that transparent to her. “It’s nothing, really.”
“Nothing? I don’t believe you,” she responded, concern flooding her face. “You can tell me anything Cara, you know that right?”
I scoffed. “Of course I know that. I’m fine, really. Just a little tired, that’s all. Been working too much, I think.”
Fortunately, our food came at that moment and she let it drop, Lucia’s concentration turning to the delicious feast in front of her instead. I breathed a sigh of relief and picked at my food, my mind in turmoil thinking about the letter I’d received. I was going to have meet him, it would be cruel not to. It was the least I could do, right? He had reached out to me and there was no way I was going to disappoint him.
But what did I say to the child who I gave away for someone else to love and raise? It felt like there were no words in the whole world to explain that one away.
Would he understand how hard the decision was for me? The way my mother kept pushing and pushing until she got her own way and he was stripped from me? I remembered the pain, the heartbreak when they had laid him in my arms for the last time and then when I was forced to kiss him goodbye.
“Come on Cara! Push! You’re almost there!”
I listened to the nurse screaming encouragement in my ear and bore down, the searing pain shooting through my abdomen. While most kids my age were getting ready for the prom that night, I was giving birth to my son. The labor had come on so suddenly, the baby coming so fast, that there hadn’t been any time for any kind of pain relief and though it felt like I was being split in two, I knew this was my punishment. And in a way I knew I deserved it. I would remember this pain for years to come. This was going to scar me for life and I wanted to make sure that I was never going forget this moment, not ever.
With a grunt I bore down again as another contraction hit me. The pressure subsided, then there was the faint cry of a baby shortly afterward. Oh my god.
“It’s a boy!” the nurse grinned while the anxious social worker hovered near the door. “Congratulations, Mom.”
He was here. My precious baby.
“Can I see him?” I asked hesitantly trying to conceal the desperation in my voice as the nurse wiped him off and wrapped him in a blanket. “Just for a moment? Please.” I could feel the hysteria clawing within me, getting ready to burst out. I needed to stay in control for just a little longer.
The nurse looked over to my mom, who gave us a short nod. “Just one moment.”
Tears in my eyes, I took the small bundle in my hands, lighter than a feather as I gazed upon his red, little face.
“Hi there,” I said, touching his nose gently. “I’m your mom, don’t you ever forget that.” He was perfect and I felt the tears start to slide down my cheeks as I tried to commit his features to memory. “No matter what anyone tells you, I love you with all my heart.”
“You’re doing the right thing, Cara,” my mom stated, ice in her voice, as she looked at her grandson… and yet there were tears in her own eyes. “We can’t keep him.”
“We could,” I whispered, unable to trust my own voice. “Mom, don’t make me do this.”
She shook her head. “It’s for the best. You’ll thank me one day.”
I bitterly doubted that and looked away from her back to my baby. He was mine. And he should stay with me. Confusion, anger, and desperation collided with this huge feeling of love and my body began to shake, the tears falling, unstoppable, soaking the blanket he was wrapped in.
Even though I knew it was the right thing to do for him it didn’t make the decision or reality to give him up any easier. I was about to give away a piece of me, a little person that I’d carried around within my own body for nine months, feeling every kick, every movement. And to have him gone just like that, would forever be a crack in my heart. I knew I wouldn’t be the same after that day either.
“I’ll take him now,” the nurse said gently, holding out her arms. It was the plan after all. We had talked about it, the delivery day and what I would have to do.
I reached down and pressed my lips to his little forehead. “I love you. Please don’t ever forget that,” I said before relinquishing him to the nurse. I watched her intently as she took him out of the room—it was like being trapped in a nightmare: I needed my body to move but no matter how hard I tried I was stuck like glue, unmoving… the inevitable consuming me.
“I’m proud of you, honey,” my mom said, smoothing the hair back from my forehead. And though the last thing that I wanted was to be comforted by her, I let her do it anyway. My strength to push her away was gone. I clung to her and I dissolved into an incomprehensible wail.
Finally exhaustion set in and I turned away from my mom, leaving her grasp, toward the window, where the rain had just started to fall outside. I wished that I could be a droplet on that window, my body and thoughts being washed away. I wanted to disappear, in fact, I just wanted to die.
“Yoo-hoo, Cara?”
Her voice permeated my thoughts and shook me out of my reverie. Blinking, I looked at Lucia, who was staring at me. “Are you sure you’re okay? Man you zoned out for a second there.”
“I’m fine,” I answered, drumming up a half-hearted smile. “Just thinking about my schedule. I am going to have one hell of an afternoon.”
She gave me a skeptical look as I turned my attention back to my barely eaten food, wishing that I could tell her. But now wasn’t the right time at all. After her good news, I didn’t want anything to spoil it. She had enough on her plate anyway.
I would be okay… What I really needed was a distraction. Anything or anyone to snap me out of my own head.
I knew the perfect wrong guy who’d be just right for the job, I needed to find him again that was all.
5
Luke
“Dude, I seriously need your help.”
I looked over at Darren and frowned. For ten minutes we’d been sitting at t
he breakfast bar in our apartment, both lost in our own bucket of fried chicken, with a six-pack of beer on hand. We were barely speaking, which was how I liked it. Companionable silence. I was tired; the sun had been brutally hot that day and all I’d wanted to do was go take a hot shower after this meal and go to bed.
“What? It better not involve anything more strenuous than lifting another beer to my mouth.”
He wiped his mouth with a napkin. “So here’s the thing. Sarah, she has this kid.”
I pushed away my food and grabbed my beer. “Who’s Sarah?”
“You know, the girl I’m digging? The one you hooked me up with?”
I chuckled and took a swig of beer. “Dude I just sent her your way. You did all the hooking-up by yourself.”
“Anyway,” Darren continued with the wave of his hand. “Her boy is like, well I don’t know how old he is, but he’s old enough to play ball and they need a new coach… only temporary.”
Whatever had remained of my appetite suddenly bolted for the door. I shook my head and rose off the stool. “No.”
Darren followed me as I threw my stuff away and grabbed another beer out of the fridge. “Come on, man! She wants me to do it, but I suck at baseball. You’ve seen me throw, that shit is embarrassing. Besides you know way more about it than I do. Luke, I’ve seen you play. Help a brother out.”
He had me cornered in the small kitchen and I shook my head again, wishing I had never played in that stupid league. The guys from work had coerced me to play one round of baseball with the community league they’d set up against a rival construction firm and in a moment of weakness, I’d relented. I knew it would come back to bite me in the ass.
“I can’t do it. Sorry.”
Darren stepped in front of me as I tried to exit the kitchen, his arms crossed over his chest. “Why not? It’s not like you’re busy. You don’t have a girl or any responsibilities other than the job at the site.”
“Gee, thanks,” I said sarcastically, breaking the seal on the beer. “You make me sound like a real winner.”
“That’s not what I meant,” Darren replied. “Hey, come on, I’ll even be your assistant coach.”
I chuckled and stared at my roommate, crossing my own arms over my chest. “Didn’t you just say you didn’t know anything about baseball?”
“Exactly,” he said. “It’s why I’ll need your help. Seriously, think of how many single chicks there will be around!”
“Chicks with kids, you mean,” I answered dryly. That was the last thing I needed in my life. Hell I hadn’t even been able to get laid recently by someone without any baggage.
“They aren’t so bad,” Darren said defensively. I watched as that moon-face look took over his expression and sighed. Man, it had only been a week or so, but he was in deep with this chick, Sarah. “Please Luke. I’ll owe you big time.”
I sighed and rubbed a hand through my hair. A shower of dust from the job flew everywhere. It reminded me of the dust from a baseball field, how it billowed into the air when I slid into home. It was a sign from someone above… or down below. Hell.
“How long?”
“Only a few weeks,” he said, excited, his smile getting wider. “The other coach broke something in his arm and can’t move it. When he comes back, you will be free and clear, I swear.”
I knew I should have said no. It was completely idiotic for me to even be considering it, but teaching the future of the sport how to play even if it was only for a couple of weeks… it was too tempting. Besides, he was right, I needed a distraction, something else to preoccupy my time.
A second round to try and get the woman’s name from Ginny had failed epically, to the point where I thought Ginny was going to bar me from ever stepping foot back inside. Coaching Little League instead would have to do, something to fill the void that had somehow, out of nowhere, appeared.
Or maybe it had always been there and I’d only just come across it.
“Fine. But only until he comes back.”
Darren damn near hugged me then, catching himself at the last moment. “Thank you, Luke. Thank you. I’ll go call Sarah now and get the details. I owe you.”
“Yeah, you bet your ass you do.”
He hurried to his bedroom before I moved over to the couch and fell into the deep and battered cushions. I should have said no. Why was I setting myself up to be exposed like that? It was like I couldn’t keep myself away from the sport, like it was in my blood.
With a sigh, I leaned back on the couch. If only my entire life hadn’t been screwed up by a choice that my father had made. I could’ve been famous right now, pitching for a major-league team somewhere instead of freaking out over coaching a Little League team. Not that I was upset about teaching little kids. Kids were awesome—well, other people’s kids were. I liked the idea of sending them back.
My phone vibrated in my pocket and I pulled it out, hitting the button without looking at the screen. “Yeah?”
“Marcus.”
My breath became short as I recognized the voice at once, hating the fact that he’d somehow gotten my number. “What do you want? You know that’s not my name anymore.”
“I want to talk, son. Can’t you at least give me a chance to explain? It’s been eight years. There’s something I need—”
I shifted on the couch, my throat becoming tight with anger. “There’s nothing to say. You ruined my life, end of story.”
I listened as he sighed into the phone, my thoughts on what he and my mom looked like now. I wasn’t desperate enough to go find out. I never wanted to see them again, not after what they’d done. They’d put me in a position that I had no control over and forced me to find another life, a life that I couldn’t help but despise every day. There was nothing I could do to make it better. I was a nobody now, a person I never thought I would see myself becoming.
“Marcus,” he pleaded.
“Stop calling me that! Don’t ever call me again,” I said, gritting my teeth as I hung up the phone and threw it on the couch, wanting to really throw it at the wall instead.
He hadn’t tried to contact me in more than two years and I guessed he thought I would be over it by now. I wasn’t. Call it a grudge, call it whatever, but that man ruined my life. It was easy for people who didn’t understand to say that I should suck it up and ignore the fucking fact that my life had been upended in the worst way. I still remembered the pain of it all, even after all of these years, like it had just happened yesterday.
“But I don’t understand!”
My father threw the suitcase on the bed, pointing to it. “Pack. You have thirty minutes.”
I thrust a hand through my short hair, cut the day before because I thought I was about to head to the prom. I’d wanted to surprise Anna, my current flame, with the hopes that she would finally let us go all the way this time. But even that plan was blown to shit. “No dad, I’m not going to pack until you tell me what’s going on. Where are we going?”
My father crossed the room and grabbed me by the shoulders, his face flushing with anger and impatience. “Do what I say, Marcus. Stop acting like a child and pack your damn suitcase. You don’t understand, we have to leave right now!”
“You’re right,” I interrupted, so pissed off that he was treating me like a kid and not telling me anything. “I don’t understand! You are telling me I have pack my shit up and leave home, all my friends, my girl, baseball! It’s not even the end of the season yet, dad! Tell me why!”
He pushed me away, pointing to the suitcase once more. “Get your ass in gear and don’t make me have to tell you again, Marcus. We don’t have time for this.”
I waited until he had left my room before I kicked at the baseball glove that had fallen off of the bed, tears blinding my eyes. I didn’t want to leave. In the blink of an eye my whole world was being turned upside down and I still didn’t know why. All I knew was it was my father’s fault and I wouldn’t make it easy for him to take me away from everything I knew, to
destroy my future.
6
Cara
I bit the raggedy edge of my fingernail as I looked at the letter on my dining room table, unsure of what to do. For the last hour I had stared down at the childish writing, half expecting the demons of my past to jump off the page. But nothing had happened, other than my ass going to sleep in the kitchen chair.
Sighing, I grabbed the letter again and turned it over. There was writing on the back of the letter, something I had not seen the first time I had read the thing, and it listed the kid’s Little League schedule, at a park not too far from my own apartment.
How ironic was that? To be so close, yet so far away.
James.
His name sounded too big for the little kid I pictured in my mind, though by his letter, I imagined he was smarter than the average eight-year-old. It made me want to meet him. And I wondered if he looked like me or his father. A small part of me hoped he didn’t look like Shawn, who’d wanted nothing to do with me or the baby, during or after the pregnancy and never once asked me about his child after the baby was taken away.
It had been a few weeks after giving birth when I bumped into him at the library of all places, gathering my books to work on my GED. I’d been dumbfounded to see him, biting my lip at what he might say. But he hadn’t said anything, pretending that I didn’t even exist as he brushed past me with another girl wearing his Letterman jacket. It was then that I realized I couldn’t trust another male figure ever again and I hadn’t, until the man who had stolen my heart before my arrival here in Jupiter. But even he had let me down…
Shrugging off those feelings—they weren’t going to help me decide what to do next—I smoothed down the creases of the letter which had become wrinkled from my many handlings over the last few days.
