“No, it couldn’t have been,” I said. “I know I don’t have experience, but if you love someone, you could never do that to them. I’m sorry to even say that. I didn’t know her, but I just know you could never do that to someone you love.”
“No. You couldn’t. I know that.” His head bowed. “I think she did love me at some point. Why else would she continue searching for me? Or maybe she felt that was what was expected of her. I don’t know. But I would’ve chosen death if that meant saving the one I loved.” He dragged a hand over his face as he kept his back to me. “I tried to find Malik after…after that, but couldn’t find my way through the tunnels. I fucking stumbled out onto the beach at some point, and by the luck of the gods, a man found me.”
He lowered his hand. “So, that’s why I don’t talk about her. That’s why I don’t speak her name, because as much as I once loved her, I hate her now. And I hate what I did.”
I shuddered, unable to find words—because there were none.
“Alastir doesn’t know.” He turned to me then. “Only Kieran and my brother know the truth. Alastir can never know that his daughter betrayed Malik—our kingdom. It’s not that I’m trying to protect myself. I can deal with him learning that she died by my hands, but it would kill him to learn the truth of what she did.”
“I won’t ever say anything,” I promised. “I don’t know how you’ve kept that to yourself. It has to…” I trailed off, letting out a ragged breath. “It has to eat you up inside.”
“I rather it do that than let the truth destroy a man who has been nothing but loyal to our kingdom and people.” He leaned against the wall, eyes closing again. “And Shea? I don’t know if it’s right or wrong that people believe she died a hero. I don’t care if it’s wrong.”
I stared at him, seeing what I never thought existed under any of the masks he wore. His body had been tortured as well as his soul. “I wish I knew what to say. I wish you never had to do that after everything else you’d been through. I hate that you feel guilt, and I know you do. She betrayed you. She betrayed herself. And I’m sorry.”
Casteel opened his mouth.
“I know you don’t want my sympathies, but you have them, nonetheless. That doesn’t mean I pity you. It’s just that…” I stopped searching his emotions then. “I understand why you never wanted to speak of her.”
And I understood now why Kieran advised me to never go down that road.
Casteel nodded as he turned back to the terrace doors.
There was something I didn’t understand. “Gianna is Alastir’s great-niece and the marriage to her was his idea?” When he nodded, I said, “And he was okay with you marrying his niece when you were once with his daughter?”
“He was.”
I wrinkled my nose. “Maybe it’s just me, but that would weird me out. Granted, I don’t live for hundreds of years or—”
“It was one of the reasons I could never agree to that union,” he said. “And it’s not Gianna’s fault. She’s a good person. You’d like her.”
I wasn’t sure about that.
“But she…she looks like Shea. Not exactly, but the resemblance is there, and it was weird, even to me. But even if she looked nothing like her, I never thought of her in that way.”
Unsure of how to feel about the knowledge that this Gianna actually looked like Shea—a woman Casteel had once loved and was betrayed by, I thought it over. After a few moments, I realized that none of that with Gianna and Alastir actually mattered. It was just…background noise. What mattered was us.
“I know why you sent Kieran to Atlantia,” I told him. “You wanted to make sure he didn’t risk his life to save yours.”
He was quiet for a moment. “It’s not the only reason. Alastir will call for our forces and then he will go straight to my father and mother—tell them that I plan to marry, and he’ll express his doubts. That’s the last thing anyone needs.”
That was what Casteel had meant when he spoke to Kieran—what had caused the wolven to relent.
Knowing how much it had cost him to talk about Shea and now knowing what he carried with him, it made what I said next easier than expected. “I was telling the truth last night at dinner.”
Chapter 36
Slowly, Casteel turned to me.
“It was the truth when I said you were the first thing I’d ever truly chosen for myself. It’s also true that I chose you when you were just Hawke, and it’s not just because you were the first person to ever really see me. That had something to do with it, of course, but if I wanted to experience pretty words or pleasure, I could’ve donned the mask once more and went back to the Red Pearl. I…I wanted you.” My cheeks heated, but I continued. “It was true that I had already begun to suspect the Ascended, and whether I could be the Maiden. And I chose you because you made me feel like I was someone, that I was a person and not merely an object. You saw me and accepted me, but what you don’t know is that the night I asked you to stay with me, I had already left behind the veil. I’d made my choice. I wanted to find a way to be with you even though I had no idea if you wanted that. And if you didn’t, it would’ve…it would’ve hurt, but I was no longer the Maiden. I fell for you when you were Hawke, and I kept falling for you when you became Casteel.”
His eyes widened.
“And I couldn’t understand how I kept falling for you. I was so angry with you—with myself for not seeing the truth. And it felt like a betrayal to Vikter and Rylan, the others. And myself.”
His chest rose with a heavy breath. “And you still feel that way? Like it’s a betrayal to keep falling for me?” He took a step and then another toward me before stopping. “If so, I understand, Poppy. Some things can’t—”
“Some things can’t be forgotten or forgiven,” I said, rubbing my damp hands over my knees. “But I think I realized, or have come to accept, that even then, some things can’t be changed or stopped. That they still matter but don’t. That those emotions are powerful, but not as strong as others. That what I felt for you had nothing to do with what you did or didn’t do. It had nothing to do with Vikter or anyone else. And acknowledging that felt like permission to…to feel. And that scared me.”
I placed my hand against my chest. “It still terrifies me because I have never felt this way about anyone, and I know…I know it has nothing to do with you being my first or there being, well, limited options in my life. It’s you. It’s me. It’s us. What I feel? Like how I want to take your pain away and yet throttle you at the same moment? How your stupid dimples are infuriating, but I look for them every time you smile because I know that’s a real smile. I don’t know why I look forward to arguing with you, but I do. You’re clever, and you are kinder than even you realize—even though I know you have earned the title of the Dark One. You are a puzzle I want to figure out, but at the same time, don’t. And when I realized you have so many masks—so many layers, I kept wanting to peel them back, even though I fear it will only hurt more in the end.”
I shook my head as I curled my fingers around the collar of my tunic. “I don’t understand any of this. Like how do I want to stab you and kiss you at the same time? And I know you said that I deserve to be with someone who didn’t kidnap me, or someone I don’t want to stab—”
“Forget I said that,” he said, closer to me when I looked up. “I have no idea what I was talking about. Maybe I didn’t even say that.”
My lips twitched. “You totally said that.”
“You’re right. I did. Forget it.” His eyes searched mine. “Tell me why this terrifies you. Please?”
My breath snagged. “Because you…you could break my heart again. And what we’re doing? It’s bigger than us, and even your brother. You have to know that. We could actually change things. Not just for your people, but also for the people of Solis.”
“I know that,” he whispered, his chest rising and falling rapidly, his eyes luminous.
“And things are already complicated and messy, and acknowledging wh
at I want—what I feel—just makes it all the more complicated and scary. Because this time…” Tears burned the back of my throat. “This time, I don’t know how I will get over that. I know that probably makes me sound weak and immature or whatever, but it’s just something I know.”
“It’s not weak.” Casteel came forward, but he didn’t stand there. He didn’t sit beside me. He lowered himself to his knees in front of me. “Your heart, Poppy? It is a gift I do not deserve.” He placed his hands on my knees as he lifted his gaze to mine. “But it is one I will protect until my dying breath. I don’t know what that means.” He stopped, curling his fingers into the leggings, into my skin. “Okay. Fuck. I do know what that means. It’s why I’m in awe of everything you say or do—everything you are. It’s why you’re the first thing I think about when I wake and the last thought I have when I fall asleep, replacing everything else. It’s why when I’m with you, I can be quiet. I can just be. You know what that means.”
He took one of my hands and pressed it to his chest—his heart. “Tell me what that means. Please.”
Please.
Twice in one conversation he’d said that, a word that didn’t pass his lips often. And how could I refuse?
I didn’t just focus on him to get what I was now learning was a cursory reading of his emotions. I opened myself, forming the invisible tether to him and what he felt. It came back to me in a rush, and it was shocking.
Not the heavy and thick-like-cream feel of concern. He worried—about what was going to happen to his brother, his kingdom, to me. It wasn’t the cool splash of surprise that made me think he didn’t quite believe this conversation. The tangy, almost bitter taste of sadness was minimal, and the only time his agony hadn’t been raw and nearly overpowering was when I’d taken his pain from him. That surprised me, yes, but what shocked me more was the sweetness on the tip of my tongue.
“Do you feel that?” he asked. “What does it feel like?”
“Like…it reminds me of chocolate and berries.” I blinked back tears. “Berries—strawberries? I’ve felt that from Vikter—from Ian and my parents. But I’ve never felt it like this—like it’s more decadent somehow.”
And I thought I knew what it was. It was the emotion behind the long looks and the seeking touches. The feeling behind the way his arm always tightened around me when we rode together and why he was always messing with my hair. It was the emotion that drove him to draw that line he wouldn’t cross with me. It was why he wouldn’t use compulsion, and it was what allowed him to want to protect me but demanded that he allow me to protect myself. It was how when he was with me, he didn’t think of his kingdom, his brother, or the time he’d been a captive.
And it was one of many things forbidden to me as the Maiden.
It was love.
“Don’t cry.” He lifted my hand to his mouth and kissed the center of my palm.
“I’m not crying. I’m not sad,” I told him, and he grinned. The stupid dimple in his right cheek appeared. “I hate that stupid dimple.”
“You know what I think?” He kissed the tip of my finger.
“I don’t care.”
The dimple in his left cheek appeared. “I think you feel the exact opposite when it comes to my stupid dimples.”
He was right, and I shuddered.
Casteel let go of my hands and stretched up, cupping my cheeks. He leaned in, pressing his forehead to mine, and I swore I felt his hands tremble. “Always,” he whispered in the breath we shared. “Your heart was always safe with me. It always will be. There is nothing I will protect more fiercely or with more devotion, Poppy. Trust in that—in what you feel from me. In me.”
Trust.
As Casteel, he’d never asked me to trust him. He knew how fragile that was. One crack could bring it all down.
But I knew what I felt.
I nodded. “I don’t want to pretend anymore.”
“Neither do I.”
“I…I don’t know what that means for us,” I whispered. “Your people and your parents…they don’t trust me. You’re basically the closest thing to immortal there is, and I’m…my lifespan is a blink. What do we do now?”
“We don’t worry about my people or my parents or our lifespans. Not right now. Not even later. We take this day by day. This is new to you, and in a way, it’s new to me. Let’s make a deal.”
“You and your deals.”
His lips curved into a smile against mine. “Let’s make a deal that we don’t borrow tomorrow’s problems today.”
Tomorrow always came soon enough, but I nodded. Because in the same breath, tomorrow wasn’t today’s problem. “I can agree to that.”
“Good.” He drew back, and I thought there was a sheen to his eyes. “If we’re going to do this, for real, then I feel like I need to make amends. And I know the list of things I should apologize for is long, but I think I should start with this.” He moved then, rising so he was on one knee before me.
My heart hadn’t stopped racing and swelling from the moment we started to really talk. But now, it beat so fast, I didn’t know how I didn’t pass out. He took my hand, and I wondered if he could feel it trembling.
He could.
Casteel folded both hands around mine, steadying my hand. “Penellaphe Balfour?” He stared up at me, and there was no teasing glint to his eyes, no smirk to his lips. No mask. Just him. Casteel Hawkethrone Da’Neer. “Will you do me the honor of allowing me to one day become worthy of you? Will you marry me? Today?”
“Yes. I will give you the honor of becoming my husband, because you’re already worthy of me.”
Casteel’s eyes closed as he shuddered.
“I will marry you.” I dipped down, kissing his forehead. “Today.”
It was like nothing and everything changed after I accepted Casteel’s proposal.
I stood in the bathing chamber, skin mostly dry as I tied the sash on the robe. A pink flush stained my cheeks, and there was a near feverish brightness to my eyes.
It was strange, the nervous flutter in my chest and stomach. Marrying Casteel wasn’t something new, but it was real now, and that changed everything.
What was also strange was the unexpected feeling of lightness, as if a tremendous, suffocating weight had been lifted from me. I hadn’t expected that. I’d thought more guilt would settle on me after admitting what I felt to Casteel. Instead, the guilt and the feeling that I was betraying others and myself had left me.
As I dragged the brush through my drying hair, I realized the guilt had actually left me in the cavern. I just hadn’t realized it.
And even though a lot of unknown still faced us—the encroaching Ascended and what felt like the first act in a war that hadn’t been decreed yet. How Casteel’s parents would respond to the news of his marriage, and if his people would ever accept me. His brother and mine, and the whole biological differences between us that would one day become an issue, gods willing, when I aged and he barely showed signs of the passing decades—I was going to do exactly what Casteel had said.
We wouldn’t borrow from tomorrow’s problems. Or even the problems we could very well face in a handful of hours. Because I was about to marry the man I’d fallen in love with.
The man I knew felt the same, even if he hadn’t spoken the words.
I was happy.
I was scared.
I was hopeful.
I was excited.
And all of those emotions were real.
A knock on the main door drew me from the bathroom. I opened it to find Vonetta waiting, a splash of red draped over one arm and holding a small pouch in the other.
“I hear there’s going to be a wedding today,” Vonetta announced as she swept into the room. “One that Kieran is going to be so irritated he’s not here for.”
“I sort of, kind of, wish he was too. Not that I’ll ever admit that to him,” I said, and she laughed. Closing the door, I followed her into the bedroom. “It doesn’t seem right that he’s not here when
Casteel marries.”
“It does feel weird, but I’m relieved. Not that he’s missing the wedding.” She looked over her shoulder at me as she laid what turned out to be a gown across the chaise. “But because he won’t be here later.”
“I know.”
“Casteel is…he has a good heart. What he did by sending Kieran away? They’re bonded, and I…I don’t know if anyone else would’ve done that.”
“He does have a good heart,” I agreed, feeling my cheeks flush. Vocally complimenting Casteel wasn’t something I did often.
A smile appeared as she turned back to the gown, straightening the skirt. “Anyway, Kieran is probably glad he’s not here for the actual ceremony part.”
My heart skipped a beat. I knew very little about an Atlantian wedding ceremony. The ones in Solis sometimes lasted days. The bride would cut her hair, and there was bathing in water anointed by the Priestesses and Priests. There were no vows, but many feasts. A particular part always came to mind when I thought of the Atlantians. “Can I ask you something?”
“Ask away.” Vonetta faced me.
“I learned about the Joining a few days ago.” I fiddled with the sash on my robe. “Casteel said it’s not something that’s done often, but is it something the wolven would expect? Or the Atlantians?”
“It really depends on the parties involved. Sometimes, the blood exchange is done, and other times it’s not. But the choice to do so gives the impression of there being a stronger…well, for lack of a better word, bond.” She shrugged, and I couldn’t help but notice that she didn’t appear weirded out, nor did she speak about it as if it were something sexual or shameful. “It doesn’t always happen at the wedding. I’ve known it to occur before and after.”
I nodded.
“But I don’t think anyone expects you to do that,” she added quickly.
A Kingdom of Flesh and Fire Page 53
