by Erin McRae
“You owe him a conversation,” Katie said. “About three weeks ago, but I guess late will be better than never. And now, if you’re serious about hockey, go talk to Tasha, she’s the coordinator for the adult league. She can get you sorted. And really, don’t do hockey with those skates.”
THAT EVENING, BACK home—or rather, back at Marie’s in-law apartment—Zack sat on his coach and stared at his phone. Katie was right; he did owe Aaron a conversation. But he didn’t feel ready for it.
He did not, in fact, feel prepared for anything. Everything he’d done from the moment Sammy had called with the figure skating assignment up ’til now, he’d done at the spur of the moment. Moving to the Twin Cities. Getting folded into the TCI crew. Falling in—something, with Aaron. Deciding to stay, without a plan for who knew how long. Deciding to sleep with Aaron without considering what the long-term consequences might be for either of them.
And if he was honest with himself, that pattern went back much farther than his move to Minnesota. It had been there for the entire miserable process of the divorce when he could only cope by taking one day at a time. And when he got back from his last assignment in a conflict zone and hadn’t been able to sleep for weeks. The short term had been all he’d been able to manage, and that barely. With, he knew, good reason. He hadn’t been handed a PTSD diagnosis out of nowhere.
But now he was here. In a place where he felt, if not okay, then better. Where he’d been able to do work and interact with people and want to join a community again. People and a community, he realized, that specialized in long-term planning. Aaron knew what his life was going to look like from now until February—at least, what he wanted it to look like. Even if he didn't get there, he had a day-by-day plan to try.
I want my life to be more like that, Zack realized with a jolt. He’d never been one for thinking too much about the future. He often hadn’t had the luxury. But being here and seeing the stability that Aaron—and Katie and Brendan and the rest of their skaters—had, he wanted that stability too. Maybe, just maybe, he was finally in a place where that could be possible. At the very least, he could try.
So instead of texting Aaron with an awkward and belated apology, he made a list of the things he needed to deal with and that he wanted to achieve. Any lingering divorce paperwork. Sell the condo. Figure out what my next book project is. Make friends who aren’t skaters. Join hockey?
He didn’t write figure out what to do with Aaron. That went without saying.
It turned out Tasha’s contact info was in one of the flyers Cal had given him, so he emailed her about joining the adult rec league. She replied within minutes, and quicker than Zack would have thought it possible, he was signed up for one of the teams and had, at Tasha’s urging, scheduled an appointment at the TCI pro shop to get fitted for hockey skates of his own.
That business concluded for the present, Zack opened another email message to deal with another issue much less fun, but more important. His ex was the last person he wanted to contact right now, but the divorce being finalized hadn’t meant they were done with each other logistically. The apartment still needed to be dealt with.
I’m still in Minnesota for work and am going to be here for the foreseeable future. Since I’m not going to be in the condo, please take advantage of my absence and get the rest of your stuff out of it. It’s all in boxes already.
- Z
Zack was pretty sure he deserved a medal for getting through that email without any profanity.
Chapter 13
LATER THAT DAY
Aaron’s Apartment
BY THE END OF THE DAY Aaron’s brain was so worn out from everything that had happened—and all the information he’d acquired—that after he and Charlotte made dinner it was all he could do to lay on the floor in front of the TV and eat while watching a cooking show. He’d done a lot of processing already today, and while he wanted to talk to Zack at some point, for now his brain needed a break.
The universe did not agree, apparently, because halfway through the show his phone barked. The caller ID said Ari.
“Oh no,” Aaron muttered to himself as he swiped to answer. Ari rarely called him. When she did, it was usually because something had gone wrong on the island. At least it was still summer, which meant the ferry was still running and the islands weren’t ice locked from the mainland.
“What happened?” he asked.
“I was going to ask you the same thing,” Ari said.
“Why?” Aaron frowned at the ceiling. “You don’t usually call to say hi.”
“I don’t know. But it felt like a good time to talk.”
Both Ari and Aaron protested against the idea that there was any sort of magical emotional or psychological connection between them as twins. Even so, there were times when intuition seemed to tug between them more strongly than it did with other people. For the most part Aaron found it comforting: A connection, however small and possibly imagined, to home.
“All right. Just a sec.” Aaron levered himself up from the floor. “I’m gonna go outside.”
“You have company?” Ari asked.
“No, but Charlotte disapproves of the company I had.” He winked at Charlotte as he toed his shoes on. She stuck her tongue out at him.
“What is it?” Ari asked as soon as he had shut the door behind himself.
“Do you remember the journalist?” Aaron had mentioned Zack’s existence and assignment on a few calls with his parents and emails home, but not in much detail. He definitely hadn’t mentioned that he’d been crushing hard on him. But then, his family also knew how much he liked to flirt; they might have assumed.
“The one you were supposed to suck up to so he could write flattering things to make the skating powers that be like you more than you do?”
“Uh, yeah, that one,” Aaron said, taking the stairs down to street level. His sister wasn’t saying anything he hadn’t said to her first, but it felt different hearing it now.
“And?”
“And I slept with him.”
“That was stupid,” Ari said without hesitation.
Aaron felt himself bristle. What did Ari know about Zack? Or his choices? “No, it wasn’t.”
“Ohhhhh, that makes it sound like even more of a mistake.”
“Look, do you want to know what’s going on or not?” Aaron snapped, pushing open the door and stepping out into the muggy evening warmth. A mosquito immediately buzzed at his ear and he swatted it away.
“Is there more going on than that?” Ari asked.
“Kinda,” Aaron said, then wondered why he was prevaricating. This was Ari. And he desperately wanted to talk about this with someone who wouldn’t automatically see it through the lens of skating. “Yeah. There is. You’ll like it,” he joked. “It makes me look super irresponsible. Or something. Kind of. Anyway....” he trailed off, not sure, now that it came to it, how to say it. Of all the times for his blurting power to fail him.
“Let me guess, he’s married,” Ari said dryly.
“Divorced,” he corrected.
“Aaron!”
“What? He’s divorced. It’s kosher.” Of all the things about Zack that made a relationship with him complicated if not downright unwise, his former marriage didn’t even make the list.
“What is wrong with you?” Ari moaned.
Aaron could imagine her, on the island, outside, somewhere in the dark, listening to the water and the seals and his own voice, an unwanted tether to the normal human world. He glanced up at the sky as he walked, taking the path that ran around the perimeter of the apartment complex, but it was overcast and there were no stars or moon to be seen.
“So I didn’t google him, before... you know,” he finally admitted.
“Oh nooooo. Aaron!” Ari sounded equal parts horrified and delighted. Aaron couldn’t only hope she would eventually choose to date someone so he could tease her in turn. “What is the terrible news?”
Aaron scrubbed a hand over his face and was
glad that, this time at least, there was no one around to see him blushing. “There is no way to say this that isn’t wildly embarrassing.”
“All the better.” Now she just sounded delighted.
“Don’t tell Mom,” Aaron pleaded
“Is he in porn?” Ari asked.
“No! I mean, not technically? Why did you ask that of all things?”
“Because I know you and it takes a lot to make you squirm?” Ari offered. “Now, spill.”
“He’s also a photographer, and Charlotte googled him when she decided to be disapproving earlier.”
“Charlotte is correct.”
“You’ve never met him!”
“She’s still correct. And the google machine found?”
“Erotic bondage photos of his ex-husband?” There was no one around, so Aaron made his grimace of extreme embarrassment at a tree instead.
“Oh noooooo. No, no, no, Aaron, no! Come back to the island this instant. You don’t know how to do anything!”
Aaron laughed, but not because Ari was necessarily wrong. That he had no idea what he was doing with his life was obvious. That Zack also had no idea what he was doing with his life, was also somewhat obvious, and at a given point Aaron would have to deal with that. That his sister, who had never dated anyone at all was the one pointing it out.... Well, that was exactly what he deserved.
“I’m trying to go to the Olympics,” Aaron said in his defense. It was the only reason not to turn tail and run home. That, and that he actually liked Zack.
“And how is this helping make that happen?” Ari asked.
Aaron didn’t have an answer yet, but he was pretty sure Ari had just accidentally shown him the direction in which to look.
BY THE TIME HE GOT off the phone with Ari it was late, not for civilians, but for skaters. Charlotte had gone to bed when he crept back inside their apartment, and he willed himself to head to his own room before he wound up marooned on the couch watching TV. He didn’t have to be up too early on Sundays, but he still had to make it to the rink to help teach an introductory skating class.
Sleep didn’t usually elude Aaron. He was almost always too tired—from the restaurant, from skating, from travel—to ever lay awake for long. But tonight, half an hour after he’d crawled into bed, he was still watching the lights from the cars outside play over his curtains. Even though he knew it was the worst for sleep, he grabbed his phone off the nightstand, and thumbed through his contacts to Zack.
Aaron: Hey. Last night was awesome. My roommate googled you - that’s less awesome and we should discuss. Ask me out again
“Way to go, Aaron,” he murmured to himself. He’d meant to be angry with Zack and ask why he hadn’t told Aaron about the pictures before. Which he was, at least a little. Instead he’d been way too forward. Oh well. Zack deserved to be uncomfortable too.
Zack: How pissed are you?
Aaron stared at the phone for a long moment before he replied.
Aaron: I just told you to ask me out again. Clearly not pissed enough
Zack: Ah.
Aaron: Helpful
Zack: You told Katie.
Aaron: And Katie told you
“For fuck’s sake,” Aaron muttered to himself as he watched the little dots that meant Zack was typing a reply. Triangulating any of this with Katie was not what he wanted to do right now. Also, while Aaron didn’t have much shame, it was too much to consider Katie having any more information about this than she already did.
Zack: She doesn’t want you to be distracted.
Aaron: Those photos were pretty distracting
Zack: Do you want to talk about this now?
Aaron: Nope. That’s. Why. You’re. Supposed. To. Ask. Me. Out. Again.
Aaron couldn’t believe he was annoyed enough to bother with all that punctuation and yet still wanted to go out with Zack.
Zack: No three-day-play-it-cool-radio-silence thing first?
Aaron: No time, trying to get to the Olympics. Also do you know what people do at the Olympics other than win?
Zack: I’m going to assume the answer isn’t ‘lose.’
Aaron: The IOC provides a crapton of condoms and they’ve been known to run out
Zack: So you’re saying you have plenty of options if my attention wavers.
Aaron: Or if you can’t be bothered to mention things I shouldn’t be finding out from my roommate five minutes before I’m supposed to be landing a bunch of quads, yeah
Zack: You get that there was no easy way to bring it up, right?
Aaron: They’re on the internet under your real name!
Zack: Sometimes I forget what freaks other people out; my life has had a lot of adventures.
Aaron: Bondage and war zones?
Zack: Bondage and war zones. When do you not have ice before 8am so I can ask you out?
Aaron: I don’t have to be anywhere before lunch tomorrow, but it’s a little late
Zack: Are you in bed?
Aaron’s breath caught in his throat.
Aaron: Yes
Zack: Do you want to do something for me?
Aaron: What can I do from here?
Zack: That’s easy. What I tell you.
So Aaron did. Touching himself when Zack said he could. Stopping when Zack said to stop. And answering Zack’s questions whenever he had them.
Zack: Do you wish I was in your mouth right now?
Aaron: Yes. Always
Zack: Always? Already?
Aaron: Like this, I don’t feel like I was made for anything else
He’d think differently in the morning, but for now the things he was fumbling to type while his hard cock bobbed against his belly were true. It demanded more attention than Zack was quite willing to let him give.
Aaron: Please let me have more... I really need—
Zack: Next time, can I tie you up more? Properly?
Aaron: I want that more than anything
Even more than he wanted to get off right now, although he was determined to have both.
Zack: Can I tie your cock up too?
Aaron didn’t know how that would feel. Would it hurt? Would it be the exquisite agony of being trapped in his clothes and Zack saying no? Would it be worse and therefore better?
Aaron: Yes. Are you touching yourself?
Zack: Fucking yes.
Aaron: Can I touch myself?
Zack: Please. I want you to come so I can picture you cleaning up your own hand with your perfect mouth.
That was all Aaron needed to tumble over the edge. Then, although Zack couldn’t see it, and he hadn’t asked him to do it, Aaron licked one hand clean, while he used the other to squeeze at his spent dick, so that it hurt, just a little.
Chapter 14
AUGUST
Minneapolis and Saint Paul, MN
THE ADULT HOCKEY LEAGUE information session that weekend brought out the most motley of crowds. On Saturday afternoon Zack found himself sitting on the benches by the ice with a couple of thirty-something guys in rental skates, two sixteen-year-olds complaining woefully about homework, and a woman with her own hockey skates featuring hot-pink laces.
Tasha, who was running the session, eventually chivvied everyone onto the ice to see if people could handle themselves at all. There was a clear split almost immediately between people who still needed to learn how to skate and people who just needed to learn how to play hockey. To Zack’s immense surprise he was in the second group, although barely.
Hockey skates were a whole new experience. All in all, they were definitely an improvement for him. The blades felt steadier and the lack of a toe pick was an improvement, although not having it as a reminder of the danger of throwing his weight too far forward was odd. He felt a bit like a weeble, but since he couldn’t fall down as easily, he felt willing to take a lot more risks. Who knows, maybe I’ll even learn how to stop reliably.
After the session Zack wound up in conversation with Matt, another guy from his group.
�
��What do you do?” Matt asked as they sat unlacing their skates. “In the real world, I mean.”
“Uh, I’m a journalist,” Zack said, bracing himself. People out in the wild could react strongly—positively or negatively—to that piece of information. He also wasn’t sure why Matt wanted to know—or what he might want from Zack.
Matt looked intrigued. “Oh! That’s awesome. Would I know your work?”
An award-winning book on some of the world’s worst conflict spots and some erotic bondage photos, depending on your interests, Zack thought glumly. There was a reason his life was a mess.
“Maybe,” Zack shrugged, hoping Matt wouldn’t press. “I got sent here to do a piece on the figure skaters. You know, with the Olympics coming up.” The TCI skaters—one of them in particular, at least—were more of a personal conversational minefield than either his conflict work or his photography, and yet, easier to talk around.
“You mean with how Luke Koval’s injury shook up the U.S. men’s field?”
“Um. Yes. Exactly.” Zack didn’t ask how did you know that? but Matt must have read it on his face.
“Figure skating is awesome, I’ve been following it since I was a kid. I thought about trying figure skating myself, but.” He held out his arms; like Zack, he was tall and broad and there was a bulk to his muscle. “I’m not made for it.”
“Yeah, me neither,” Zack said, happy to steer the conversation away from his own career. “Though I guess there’s always pairs skating. Some of those guys are built.”
“Eh, I’m trying to take a break from people. Not to say that you have to be dating your pairs partner or anything. But I’m trying to get my life in gear on my own before I take on any responsibilities to anyone else.” Matt looked somewhat abashed. “Sorry, that was a lot. My divorc-iversary is next week and it’s been on my mind.”
