by Lucy Coleman
My voice cranks up a notch out of sheer frustration. It actually feels good to have blurted that out, although I wonder if I’ve shocked Ceana. I don’t want her to feel that I’ve come here for the wrong reasons. The truth is that I’ve always longed to explore the artistic streak that I’ve had to suppress because it felt too indulgent, I suppose. Working, studying to gain my HR qualifications, sorting out the house – there were never enough hours in the day. What was left was taken up with spending quality time with Aiden and my family.
The pile of weeds I’m dumping on a bare patch of soil is growing as I continue to snatch away at them.
‘I have one word for you, Fern, and that’s acceptance. Think on it while you’re out here working this afternoon.’
She turns and I reluctantly follow her. Acceptance? I don’t think being dismissive of someone’s problems makes for a very smart counsellor, but maybe it’s a shock tactic.
‘Grab some gloves, ladies, and if you haven’t seen one of these before, it’s called a hoe, apparently.’ I grin at them both in a friendly manner.
Patricia and Kellie stare back at me with a little less enthusiasm than I’d hoped.
‘We’re going to do a couple of hours weeding in between the herb borders. I did a little patch earlier on, as you can see, and for the most part it’s easy to identify the weeds. Do either of you recognise any of the plants here?’
I’m simply trying to get some interaction going, but Kellie looks on, sullen and unwilling to contribute. Her offhand attitude is unsettling Patricia, who is a very private, reserved lady by the look of it. I glance at her, but it’s more of an appeal and thankfully she speaks up.
‘I should be fine because I grow a few things in my garden at home. Mainly salad stuff in the summer and a few potatoes. I think I recognise most of the herbs here.’
‘Great. How about you, Kellie?’
‘Yep.’
Just yep. Right.
‘Okay, well if you each choose an end, I’ll work the middle patch.’
Kellie grabs a hoe, ignoring the gloves, and walks off to the lower end of the raised bed. Far enough away that she’s out of earshot, so I’m assuming that means she wants some alone time.
I look across at Patricia and see she’s been watching me watching Kellie.
‘Sad little thing, isn’t she?’ Patricia remarks.
I nod. ‘Maybe the fresh air will perk her up,’ I reply, keeping my voice low. I’d hate Kellie to think we are talking about her, but any fears I have are soon cut short as Patricia begins working away in silence.
Surreptitiously glancing in Kellie’s direction, I’m surprised at how enthusiastically she throws herself into the task. It’s quite fiddly as, unlike the vegetables, which are in straight rows and easy to drag the hoe down between the plants, the herbs grow in an irregular pattern. Some of the rosemary plants are more like little shrubs, beneath which the weeds seem to enjoy the shady spots, and the lemon balm has flopped, probably flattened after a heavy rainfall. But, give the young woman her due, she isn’t looking to cut corners and is every bit as diligent as Patricia and me.
At four o’clock, we down tools and pack away for the day, and as I lead them back to the courtyard, it doesn’t feel right walking in silence.
‘I’m new here, myself, actually. I arrived yesterday. It takes a while to settle in, doesn’t it?’
Wondering if there will be any takers, to my surprise, Kellie jumps in.
‘I noticed a guitar in the day room. Music wasn’t on the list of workshops, which is a real pity.’
Hmm. Interesting.
‘That is a shame. But if there’s a guitar, then I’m sure someone here must play. I’ll find out, if you like.’
‘Thanks. That would be cool.’
I notice Patricia’s wearing a little smile. I’d say that’s a result for just one afternoon’s work.
‘Hey, Fern, how’re you doing?’
It’s Owen. I lie back on the chaise longue, closing my eyes and picturing my brother’s cheeky grin.
‘Good. It’s great to hear your voice. How’s training going?’
‘Relentless but the end is in sight. And now I have abs, would you believe.’
My bro, and they’re turning him into a soldier. Only the tough survive the training, but he’s always had determination – he’s just taken a while to find the right thing to fire him up.
‘Amazing! I hope they’re feeding you well,’ I add, wondering if I’ll recognise the fitter version of the former computer-obsessed game player when we next meet up.
‘To be honest, I’m always so hungry I’d eat anything they dished up. It’s not bad, though. We’re off to Salisbury Plain for a few days and I wanted to check up on you before I left. I expect it’s all a bit strange, being away from everyone.’
I know that Owen is worried about me, but it’s not his style to admit that.
‘It’s wonderful here actually. I’ve spent the afternoon gardening with two of the new arrivals. Tomorrow I’ll be working in the garden again, but in the afternoon, for the first time in years, I will be sitting in front of an easel. How exciting is that?’
He laughs.
‘What’s so funny?’
‘Just trying to imagine you doing something you want to do for a change. It’s about time, I’d say.’
Hmm. I’m doing it because I’m here. If I was at home—
‘You’re a nightmare, Fern. Promise me you will relax and enjoy this time, please. Don’t waste it pining over Aiden and fretting about what the rest of us are doing. We can all look after ourselves – well, to varying degrees. Hannah hasn’t phoned you back, even though she said she would, because she’s helping Liam decorate his flat. I called her just now and she wasn’t very receptive. That poor guy has no idea what he’s getting himself into with our little sister.’
I sigh. ‘I guessed she still hasn’t forgiven me for heading off to France. And she’s not so little now, in case you haven’t noticed. It’s time to start treating her with a tad more respect,’ I add, sternly.
‘Well, she’s still a bit up in the air about it all as she’ll miss Aiden, too, but she’ll always be a royal pain in my book. Youngest kids always are,’ he adds, rather unfairly. I’m sure that isn’t true in every case, although he might actually have a point when it comes to Hannah. ‘She’ll come around,’ he continues, ‘but I wanted to reassure you that she’s fine. I know what you’re like, too.’
It’s ironic that my tough, action-man brother is the empathetic one and my little sister can only handle emotional issues by refusing to dwell on them.
‘That’s thoughtful, Owen. And appreciated. I guess one of the lessons I’m going to learn on my gap year is that it’s time for me to step back and be less involved. But you do know that I’m here whenever you need me, don’t you?’
I don’t want to labour this because I hope he never needs me, well, not for an emergency. I want – no, I need – to believe that he can handle this new career he’s chosen and that he’ll be both sensible and safe. He’s always had a positive attitude, but the army is now backing that up with the physical stamina to endure anything.
‘There you go, worrying already and you’ve only been gone a couple of days. Look, I have to go, there’s a bunch of mates hovering and I’m holding them up.’ There’s loud jeering in the background and he stops to call out, ‘All right! I’m done!’
‘Go on, don’t let me stop you. Text or call me when you’re back from Salisbury. And thanks, Owen. Great advice, by the way. Love you and take care.’
‘Will do. Bye, Fern.’
Click.
Suddenly the air around me feels lighter and brighter. My younger sister might not be talking to me properly still, but it sounds like she’s happy. And my brother, well, he’s always been my biggest supporter. One day, hopefully, he’ll find a woman who is worthy of him but in the meantime at least he has a good head on his shoulders. I keep forgetting that Hannah has now turned nineteen,
so she’s only a year older than Kellie.
At twenty-four, Owen seems so much more mature than her, but then she hasn’t been at uni for very long. Mum and Dad are always around and eager to listen to all of us, but it’s the things you don’t want to share with your parents for fear of worrying them that mean a sibling comes in handy at times. At least you get honest, impartial advice.
There’s just time to Google opal mining in Australia before I head downstairs for the evening meal. But as I open up a tab, something makes me type in the word acceptance. I’ve been mulling it over all afternoon. I know what the word means, but not why Ceana levelled it at me as if it was a solution.
Acceptance in human psychology is a person’s assent to the reality of a situation.
Okay, I know that. I cursor on down the screen.
Synonyms jump out at me – receiving, embracing, approving. Then I drop down to the antonyms. Disagreeing, rejecting, denying are the ones that draw my eye and they pretty much accurately reflect how I feel.
I’m a woman who is used to being in control; I manage people and situations at home and at work all the time. How can I simply become accepting of a situation that makes no sense at all from anyone’s perspective? Aiden can’t explain why he feels the way he does. My family, and probably everyone else we know, think that taking a year off and not spending it as a couple is ridiculous. We’re more likely to grow apart than closer together, surely?
My head begins to ache because this is an almost constant conversation I’m having with myself every time I’m not occupied doing something.
I type in opal mining in Australia and begin reading. Then quickly wish I hadn’t.
7
The Dragon Tattoo
I didn’t expect to enjoy myself last night but after a worrying session online, it was a relief to immerse myself in the company of a large group of people. Nothing brings strangers together more amicably as simply sharing a relaxing meal at the end of the day. Afterwards, Nico began an around-the-table short and sharp introduction. One sentence that would give everyone a real sense of who we were.
It was interesting as most people found it quite hard to sum themselves up in that way. It was like the creeping death for some as we worked around the table and several asked for more time, so there was some skipping around.
I kept it simple. ‘My husband and I are taking a gap year of self-discovery, before beginning the next stage of our life together.’ Admittedly, there were a few raised eyebrows, but then it was on to the next person.
Kellie, who happened to be sitting next to me, said: ‘I’m searching for something, but I don’t know what until I find it,’ and her honesty felt raw.
Nico’s description, too, was troubling.
‘I’m an artist battling to control what he creates without killing off the spontaneity.’
Afterwards, we lingered over coffee and then a few headed off for a walk; some went to their rooms and that left a small group scattered around the day room. Kellie made no attempt to move and I didn’t want to leave her on her own, even though I was tempted to retire to my room for an early night.
She asked me if it was difficult leaving my family behind and I could see she was genuinely interested.
‘Yes, but it isn’t as simple as that,’ I’d explained. ‘My husband, Aiden, is backpacking as he’s always wanted to travel to far-flung destinations, but I don’t fly unfortunately. My brother, Owen, recently joined the army and is about to complete boot camp. My younger sister, Hannah, went off to university in Cardiff last October. She shares a house with three of her fellow students and they all have part-time jobs in and around the city. So, the time is right for me to do something I know I will enjoy and I’m eager to pick up a paintbrush.’
Kellie looked genuinely surprised. ‘There must be a lot of trust between you and your husband. My parents loathe each other but are too lazy to do anything about it. Splitting up is a hassle and staying together—’ she’d paused to reflect on it for a moment, ‘is a hassle, too! Life, eh?’
‘That must be tough on you. It’s not easy being around a relationship that isn’t working, I should imagine. It’s hard enough when people get on well.’
‘It’s living hell, actually. I try to switch off when they’re arguing. I put in my earphones and turn up the iPod. I have two brothers, but I’m the youngest and the only one still at home.’
We didn’t get to take our conversation any further as someone suggested playing cards. Before we knew it, we were part of a small group assembled around the table.
Kellie didn’t seem put out, so I joined in too. It was just after eleven when we all headed off to bed and I suddenly remembered that I was going to find out about the guitar. Something tells me that music is important to Kellie and I made a mental note to make enquiries in the morning.
I remember my head hitting the pillow and uttering a sigh, then nothing.
‘Nico, before I head off with my little weeding group this morning, can I ask about the guitar in the day room? Kellie mentioned she’s into music and she spotted it, so I’m guessing she plays. I was wondering if any of the tutors had any musical experience?’
He looks at me in surprise. ‘Taylor is pretty good. He’s into country music, I believe. I play a little but not enough to coach someone else. Do you want to see if you can fix something up with him? I’m sure he won’t mind.’
I nod, gratefully. ‘Will do, that’s great, thanks.’
We exchange brief smiles before I go in search of Ceana, to see who she’s assembled together to join me this morning. I instantly spot her when I step out into the courtyard.
Today I have four people, two guys who I played cards with last night, Kellie and Patricia.
‘And here’s Fern, my assistant, who will sort you out. Have a fun morning, all.’ Ceana’s words make me smile. So, I’m her assistant now. A promotion already!
Glancing at them all, I can see that Kellie looks okay, but Patricia is standing on the edge of the group, nervously. I give Ceana a nod.
‘Right, follow me. It’s a beautiful morning, that’s for sure.’
Immediately the two guys fall in line either side of me, leaving Kellie and Patricia to bring up the rear. It’s impossible to take this walk without your eye being constantly drawn to something you haven’t noticed before and there’s little chatter as everyone scans around.
‘This is quite something,’ Quin remarks as I turn to look at him.
‘To me, the hills and mountains in the distance are so representative of Provençal,’ I reply. ‘I know many tourists perceive the towns as the real heart of the region, but here, on this little valley plateau, every breath I take in seems to contain that hint of perfume from the lavender fields and the olive groves around us.’
‘It’s so inspiring,’ Patricia adds. ‘The delights of Provence really do show nature at its best.’ And she’s right. That’s why so many artists found their way to this region to experience something unique. The light, the colours and the sheer variety of nature’s splendours and challenges, in sharp contrast. Often on a turn in the road, or an uphill climb, one vista is exchanged for something totally different but equally as awe-inspiring.
I turn to smile at Patricia, thinking how at ease she looks right now. ‘Every view, whichever way you turn, is postcard-worthy, isn’t it? But here, in amongst the little villages where time seems to stand still, family, farming and festivals are the very essence of life – it’s truly authentic.’
We stop for a moment as I point towards the backdrop in front of us.
‘It’s impossible not to be awed at the ruggedness as the land rises up. Remote communities perched up high and seeming to defy all logic, as the buildings cling on to the rocky ledges. From a distance they don’t look safe, but when you’re up there, it’s another matter entirely. They were built in times when defence was crucial, I should imagine, but now it’s a photographer’s dream.’
As we continue walking, I point in the direct
ion of the two barns and the forge, then the lake way off in the distance. When I lapse into silence, I can hear Patricia asking Kellie about her dragon tattoo.
‘It’s a Celtic dragon. It symbolises strength and they were supposed to have magical healing powers. The red is the fire and the passion. The wings are in the style of a Celtic knot, which represents the Holy Trinity.’
‘It’s beautiful, Kellie,’ I hear Patricia say, and I find the gentleness in her voice touching.
The dragon covers virtually all of Kellie’s right arm, from the edge of her shoulder down to her wrist, and she wears a series of silver and black bangles on both arms. They extend upwards for several inches. Patricia, by contrast, is a very traditional-looking lady, old-school even, and when I heard her mention Kellie’s tattoo I wondered what she was going to say. It is a piece of art and the fact Patricia could appreciate that is heart-warming.
‘Right, everyone. Let’s head into the shed to grab some gardening gloves and hoes. The first of the herb borders was done yesterday, but there are four more to work on. Feel free to spread out, or stay as a group if you like, whatever you’re comfortable doing.’
I hand out the tools and when we step back outside, I suggest the men follow me so I can just run through the process with them. It turns out they both seem to know their plants and after a little chat I leave them to it.
Walking over to Kellie and Patricia, who, I note, are working less than a metre away from each other, I’m delighted to see that they are content in each other’s company.
‘I have an errand to run, but I’ll be back shortly,’ I explain.
Heading off in search of Taylor, judging by the sounds coming from one of the open barns, he’s in the middle of doing a chainsaw demonstration.
I join the other three people standing around him watching in awe. Taylor slices into a huge offcut of tree trunk, stripping off the bark as if he’s cutting into butter. Within just a couple of minutes, he’s stripped the top two thirds and has carved the outline of what looks like an animal’s head. He releases the handle and silence reigns. We all start clapping as that’s quite a feat.
