by Lucy Coleman
‘Okay. Hannah, come with me. Nico, when Dee-Dee and Odile have finished cleaning the floor over there, maybe the three of you could unpack the rest of the interlocking mats? It’s that entire stack of boxes against the wall. You’ll have to lay a few rows at a time, clearing a space and cleaning the floor as you go. I’ll take Hannah over to the cottage to help Kellie begin setting things up. Nico, there are still a lot of craft boxes to be moved out of here.’
‘Great. I’m on it,’ Nico replies, giving me a wink.
He’s like a totally different person today and it’s good to see him so eager to press on.
Hannah and I head over to the cottage and I’m feeling content.
‘Kellie is a little star. She came for a week and stayed on. There hasn’t been a craft teacher here for many months and Dee-Dee’s textile class is so busy she doesn’t have time to cover both. I stepped in briefly, but it’s not my thing. Kellie has a lot of patience and will give anything a go.’
Hannah nods, taking it all in. ‘How long will she be here?’
‘Well, I don’t think Kellie is planning on leaving us for a little while, but her term here depends on a number of things. She’s been through a lot recently, and I think she’d really appreciate a little company; someone of her own age. You know, relatable.’
Hannah gets my drift.
‘It’s not at all what I’d imagined, Fern, but I’m so glad you found this. It’s very you. Backpacking isn’t your style and now I can see why you and Aiden decided to do your own thing. We are going to see one of your paintings before we go, aren’t we?’
I smile at her, taking in every little nuance of her face. She’s relieved that I’m settled and has satisfied herself I’m okay. It’s strange knowing that Hannah is worrying about me now, when it’s always been the other way around.
‘We’ll see,’ I laugh. ‘I’m still a little hesitant to show anyone my work, but my confidence is growing daily. Anyway, it’s wonderful of you all, pitching in to help out. And much appreciated. Everyone’s livelihood here depends on this exciting new phase. They are a bunch of good people genuinely wanting to do good things.’
‘What sort of visitors come to stay?’ she asks, genuinely interested.
‘All ages, all backgrounds. Not many couples, to be honest. People looking for an activity holiday that isn’t too physical, if you don’t count gardening as heavy manual work. But from next week The Haven will come into its own, with a whole range of holistic treatments on offer. From meditation, to Reiki and, very soon, an introduction to a personal fitness trainer. All in addition to everything from art classes to woodworking and pottery. Cooking lessons, too. It’s a long, long list,’ I explain.
‘So, it’s not a holiday they’re looking for, exactly?’ she asks, puzzled.
‘Well, not really, although that might have been the case in the past. Visitors come here to get away from their crazy lives. In future, it will be to learn coping techniques to de-stress and give them the tools they need to survive modern-day living, I suppose. It’s an exciting new venture for everyone involved.’
Hannah stops and when I turn towards her, she throws her arms around me and we hug. ‘I’ve missed you, sis,’ she whispers. ‘I’m happier now I’ve seen where you are, and I know Aiden will be fine now he’s back to his usual, sensible self. I mean, opal mining – what was he thinking! I wasn’t sure you would cope, being on your own when it wasn’t really your choice. I was worried you’d be lonely without a family you feel you have to check up on all the time.’
‘You know me so well, Hannah. Please don’t worry about me, though, because I’m fine. And I’m thrilled about you and Liam. Love happens when it happens, and you can’t do anything about that. As long as you each put the other person first you can’t go far wrong, in my opinion.’
‘Like you did, indulging Aiden when it was clearly the last thing you wanted. But, ironically, it wasn’t quite so daft an idea, after all, because even Mum and Dad thought you were in need of a little time for yourself. I know we don’t talk about Rachel very often, but you kept us all ticking over. So, enjoy every moment of your time here, please, Fern, because we all want what’s best for you.’
I smile at her, softly, the emotion contained within her words is better than a hug. ‘Maybe you’re right, but I was happy with things the way they were. This is something Aiden needed to do, Hannah, and I support him. We miss each other, of course we do, we’ve hardly ever been apart since the day we married. But I want him to fulfil all of his dreams, even though I can’t be with him to enjoy this one. Losing Rachel changed my life in so many ways, not least the way I look at everything. And here, at least, I still feel my contribution really counts for something. I live my life wanting her to be proud of me.’
‘She would be very proud, Fern, as we all are, but don’t make this totally about other people. Indulge that artistic streak of yours, and I’m sure Nico is an excellent teacher. It’s just a shame he’s so darned attractive, but a good thing I have the most level-headed sister in the whole world.’ The look she gives me as she arches an eyebrow, catches me off-guard and I feel the heat begin to rise in my cheeks.
Linking arms with her, I toss my head nonchalantly.
‘I hadn’t even noticed,’ I reply. ‘Come on, I’ll introduce you to Kellie and then I’m off to let Margot know she has three extra people for lunch, as well as dinner. She’ll cook something special,’ I add. ‘She loves a reason to show off.’
20
More Goodbyes
It feels like the last supper. Owen is going off on his first overseas training exercise in a few days’ time. Hannah is going back to move in with Liam. And I’m fast approaching the six-month point in my time at the retreat. Aiden could be heading off to Thailand next month and then goodness knows where after that.
‘I can see a lot of you in both your brother and your younger sister, Fern,’ Nico says, leaning in as we watch them all dancing away.
I nod at him and smile, loath to take my eyes off them as they will leave early tomorrow morning. It’s like watching a ticking clock and knowing that each second is one nearer to departure time.
The meal was wonderful, and Margot stayed on to join us, which was touching. She’s had a glass or two of wine tonight and Taylor will drive her home later.
‘How was your family Skype session earlier on? Good enough signal?’
I make a face. ‘It kept freezing and Aiden was obviously disappointed. We had to give up in the end.’
‘That’s a pity. You told him the good news about exhibiting your paintings, didn’t you?’ Nico enquires, looking like the proud teacher celebrating his pupil’s first triumph.
‘I didn’t get a chance as we were only getting one word in every three at this end,’ I admit.
‘Come on, Fern. You can get up and join in. And you, Nico,’ Hannah shouts across at us.
I look at Nico and he looks at me, then shrugs.
‘Okay. If you will, I will. But dancing isn’t my thing,’ he warns.
Before I really have a chance to think about it, Nico pulls me up and off we go. Even Margot eventually joins us, flinging her arms in gay abandonment over her head. It’s wonderful to see her enjoying herself, although I’m pretty sure the wine has something to do with it.
It’s been a while since I’ve seen Owen dancing and it’s wonderful, because he’s lost that self-consciousness that sometimes held him back. As he dances with Dee-Dee, who is twice his age, he has the biggest smile on his face. They’re shouting at each other over the loud music, chatting away like old friends.
Feigning the need to sit down to catch my breath after several dances in a row, I’m delighted to look up and see Liam approaching. His excuse is that he needs some water, but when he sinks down next to me, he places the untouched glass in front of him.
‘Hey, Liam. I don’t think I’ve had so much fun in a long time. My stomach hurts with laughter.’
Nico is now teaching Margot, so it appear
s, the rudiments of flamenco dancing. He strikes a good pose and Margot is tiptoeing around him, pretending to have castanets in her hands. It’s hilarious.
‘We needed to come and visit,’ Liam says, quite seriously. ‘They were all concerned you were pining. I told them that although I’ve only met you twice, you’d find something worthwhile to do because that’s in your nature.’
I turn to look at Liam and I can see that he’s a thinker. I didn’t get that from my first impression of him, maybe because he was nervous. It was a strange time, anyway, for the whole family.
‘I will look after Hannah, you know. I appreciate you probably feel it’s too much, too soon. But I’m miserable whenever I’m not with her, although I know that sounds crazy.’
His words transport me back to those early days after I first met Aiden. It hurt not to be with him, too. Even when I knew we were going to see each other that same evening, getting through the day was my sole focus, because all that mattered was when we would next be together.
‘No. It doesn’t, Liam. It’s something you can only understand if you’ve felt that way yourself.’
He chews his lip. ‘This year you are both taking away from each other must be hard? But I can sort of understand it. Please don’t let her know I’ve told you this, but Hannah wanted to give up uni. She wanted us to get married next year. She’d get a job so we could buy a house together, rather than share my flat. I said no. I want us to be together, but I don’t want her to sacrifice anything that she might regret in the future. Can you understand that?’
I nod. ‘Yes. And I appreciate that you are thinking about Hannah, putting her first, because as the youngest member of our family she’s had a lot of people protecting her. But I’d be a hypocrite if I said I didn’t understand how loving someone changes everything.’
I’m glad Liam is happy to confide in me, especially as I might not get a chance to talk to him again until after my time here is over. It’s sweet of him trying to put my mind at rest.
‘Hannah is worried about you and Aiden. She thinks the world of you both, you know.’
‘This year off isn’t because we aren’t happy together, Liam. I’d hate anyone to think that. I don’t want Aiden to have any regrets because I can’t share in his dream to travel. While this break isn’t something I’d choose, I will admit, it’s turning out to be a wonderful learning experience for me, too. As I see it, that can only enrich our lives as we go forward.’
Looking at Liam, I wonder if he can understand. He’s so young still, but even the few years he has on my sister is more life experience gained. He seems very clear about where he’s going and what he wants out of life.
‘I hope Hannah and I can face whatever problems life throws at us in a constructive way, too. I believe it’s important not to take anything for granted, as I’ve seen how quickly a relationship can unravel when assumptions are made. Taking a risk is infinitely better than doing nothing at all.’
‘If you can survive the tough times, the good times will be so amazing it will blow your mind.’
He grins at me. ‘Your sister blows my mind every single day. She’s a bit of a whirlwind at times and she can be very stubborn, but I think that might be a family trait.’
My eyes open wide as my forehead lifts. ‘Oh dear, and I thought I was the only one bestowed with that! You’re in for a roller-coaster ride with our family, then.’
‘And I wouldn’t have it any other way, believe me.’
A voice pipes up. ‘Are you two talking about me?’ Hannah enquires, one eyebrow raised in disdain.
‘Of course we are,’ Liam replies, and we all burst out laughing.
Partings are tough. But what this precious visit allowed me to see is that Owen and Hannah don’t need their big sister as much as they did in the past and it’s time to recognise that fact. They are living their own lives and doing a good job of it; and, yes, we all miss each other like crazy, but when we get together, it’s like we’ve never been apart. The break has allowed me to reset my thinking, though, and I wonder if that’s why Mum and Dad didn’t really have much to say when Aiden and I told them about our plans.
Just then, the door to the studio opens and one look at Nico’s face tells me it isn’t good news.
‘I’ve just had confirmation from my agent, Fern. Negotiations for the purchase of the final painting have drawn to a halt. The last email said that the owner does not wish to proceed with the sale. No reason was given and, stupidly, I’d convinced myself that it would all be over very soon. It’s hard to accept.’
My left hand instinctively flies up to my face, covering my mouth. ‘Oh, Nico, I’m devastated on your behalf! You were so close to freeing yourself from the worry.’
Stepping closer to him, his pain seems to radiate outwards from his core. It’s a tough blow to accept there is nothing more he can do.
‘My agent’s hands are now tied. He has no choice other than to wait and see what happens, and whether in the fullness of time they will approach him to start negotiations again.’
I have no words I can offer.
We work through into the early hours and I know that Nico’s mind is as full of conflicting emotions as my own. It’s not my place to console him in the way that I instinctively feel he wants me to. The closer to him I get, the more I’m pulled in and there’s a line I simply cannot cross. But whatever this connection is that we share, it doesn’t always seem to require words. Just being in the same room is a form of comfort. Can silence, too, be deemed an act of betrayal if it’s meaningful?
I stay until I simply can’t lift the brush any longer and leave Nico calmer, more accepting of something he cannot change.
21
A Surprising Turn of Events
‘Fern, there’s something I’ve been meaning to say to you. Well, a couple of somethings really. Do you have five minutes to take a little stroll? I know it’s rather cold this morning, but I want to say this where I know I can talk without being overhead.’
I frown. This is serious, and I have no idea what Kellie is going to say; I can only pray it isn’t bad news. I’m pretty sure her relationship with Taylor is still only platonic. Unless I’m misreading the signs.
I nod, grabbing my jacket off the back of the chair, and follow her to the door of the day room.
‘Problems?’ I enquire. Casually enough, I hope, not to hint at my concern.
‘Yes. No. Not really.’
‘Well,’ I smile at her, ‘that seems to cover just about anything and everything in between.’
She laughs. ‘Okay. I need a favour and I also want to share something that I was asked in confidence, which is a little awkward. Oh, and to thank you. I’m not sure what order in which to tackle it all, though.’
As we leave the courtyard behind, the grass crunches satisfyingly crisply underfoot. Provence is beautiful in all of the seasons, of course. But on a day like this, being outside is a reminder of how sheltered we are here, nestled at the foot of the huge mountains in the distance.
‘In your own time, Kellie,’ I reassure her, adjusting my bobble hat.
She begins to giggle.
‘What?’ I ask, as she straightens her own.
‘Dee-Dee is wonderful, truly wonderful, but these hand-knitted hats make us both look like pixies.’
I turn to look at her and suddenly we start belly-laughing. It’s not the style, so much as the fact that Dee-Dee used up the oddments, as she calls them. So, the hats are rainbow-coloured, if rainbows ever had forty different colours to them. The pom-pom on mine is pale blue and on Kellie’s it’s purple.
‘Who cares?’ I shrug, and Kellie takes the words out of my mouth.
‘It’s the thought that counts!’ She pauses for a brief moment, before picking back up. ‘Okay. The favour is quite a biggie. I’ve told my father I don’t want to go back. Not forever, but for the foreseeable future. I need you to approach Nico about that in case it doesn’t fit in with his plans. I don’t want to do it myself as he
might feel awkward about it if he doesn’t think it’s a good idea.’
I draw to a halt and Kellie does the same, but the air is damp with the intensity of the cold, and you can feel it in your bones.
‘Come on, let’s shelter beneath one of the barns.’ We speed up our pace. ‘Here, help me move this bench out a little and we can sit for a moment against the wall.’
With only three sides to the barn, it’s still cold, but there’s protection from the elements.
‘Of course I’ll do that for you. But I know Nico would love it if you wanted to stay on. You’ve been wonderful, taking on the craft lessons and being so chatty with visitors in general. And honest, when the occasion has warranted it.’
‘Ah, you mean about cutting my wrists. Well, that’s another thing I wanted to get off my chest. When I came here, it was either this place or being under constant scrutiny at some facility, or other. Or worse, Dad getting in a nurse and keeping me at home. I’m ashamed to say that initially it was my intention to do a better job of it next time around.’
Her face is stony as my jaw drops and tears begin to prickle behind my eyelashes. Before I can pull myself together enough to express my concern, she continues.
‘What I wanted you to know is that I don’t feel that way any more. I’ve discovered that I can do something that makes me feel good about myself. I fit in here. And this is the first place I’ve ever been able to say that. You know that it was you and Patricia who gave me back a vestige of confidence, don’t you? And it’s grown from there.’
‘Oh, Kellie. You are so full of empathy, compassion and love, it’s breathtaking at times. How can you not know that? You are an inspiration and your maturity and patience is well beyond your years because you are a survivor. I hope you’ve noticed the change in Taylor, recently, because that’s down to you. And Bastien, too, is so much more sociable because you’ve taken the time to include him whenever you can.’
