Tales of the Marvellous and News of the Strange (Hardcover Classics)

by Malcolm C (Tr Lyons

  ‘They shouted at me and, taking hold of me, they began to beat me and slap me, while the old man struck out my eye. Then they took the corpse to the chief of police, and the old man accused me of slaughtering people and passing off their flesh as mutton. “We have brought him to you, so punish him as God’s justice requires.” I tried to speak, but the police chief would not listen, and he immediately ordered that I be tied to the whipping post and given three hundred lashes. My flesh was lacerated by the whip, and I fainted. Then all that I owned was seized, and I spent a long time in prison. When I was released I was expelled from the city and wandered off until I came to a large city, where, as I was a skilful cobbler, I opened a shop and started working to earn a livelihood.

  ‘One day I went out on some errand and heard behind me the sound of horsemen and footmen, with others clearing the way for them. I went off the road and asked some people who these were. “The emir is going hunting,” they told me, and I started to look at how handsome and well dressed he was. Our eyes met, and he then looked down, saying: “I take refuge with God from the ill fortune of this day!” He turned his horse and rode back with all his men but not before he had given orders to one of his servants, who seized me, threw me down and gave me a hundred blows, almost killing me.

  ‘I didn’t know the reason for this, and when I had made my painful way back home I treated my injuries until I was able to sit up. Then I struggled step by small step to a friend of mine, who was one of the emir’s entourage. When he saw me he asked me what had happened, and I told him of my encounter with the emir. He laughed so heartily that he fell over backwards and I said furiously: “By God, you are laughing at what has caused me the greatest pain.” “Brother,” he said, “the emir cannot bear to look at a one-eyed man as he thinks that this is an evil omen, particularly if it is the right eye that has been lost, and he can only content himself by doing what he did.” I thought about how much I was earning through my work and I moved away to another part of the city where there was no one that I feared.

  ‘After a time I had put my affairs to rights and had made money. Then one day I heard the sound of hooves behind me and, after crying out in alarm, I looked for a hiding place. The horses had almost caught up with me, and I didn’t know what to do, but then I saw a closed door. I gave it a violent push, and it fell open, showing a long hall, which I entered to let the riders go by. Then, before I knew what was happening, two men jumped out and took hold of me. “Praise be to God Who has put you in our power!” they exclaimed, adding: “for these last three nights you have allowed us no sleep or rest, enemy of God, and we have tasted the pains of death.” I asked them what this was all about, and they said: “You abuse us and try to kill the owner of the house, and isn’t it enough for you that you and your friends have reduced him to poverty? Show us the knife with which you have been threatening us every night.” They searched my waist and discovered a large knife that I had been carrying for fear of people I might meet. I cried out to God and told them that mine was a strange story, but when I started to tell it to them they would not listen but gave me a painful beating and tore my clothes. They could then see the scars of my earlier beating and exclaimed: “Enemy of God, these marks have been left by a whip, and you can only have been beaten because you are a habitual thief.”

  ‘They took me to the police chief, and I said to myself: “My sins have brought me down, and it is only the Almighty God Who can save me.” The police chief said: “Evil man, what has led you to enter people’s houses, steal their goods and threaten to kill them?” I implored him in God’s name not to act hastily but to listen to my story. “Are you going to listen to the tale of a thief who has reduced people to poverty and who bears the scars of his punishment on his back?” my captors said, and when the man saw the scars he said: “It must have been because of a great crime that this was done to you.” On his orders I was tied to the whipping post and given a hundred lashes. Then I was mounted on a camel with a proclamation being made: “This is a criminal who breaks into people’s houses.”

  ‘I was expelled from the city and wandered aimlessly until I met these people and joined them. If the king wants to strike me and give me a hundred lashes, let him do so, for this is what I get from kings.’ The king laughed and ordered him to be given a reward and a robe of honour.

  The Story of the Blind Man

  The king then summoned the blind man and asked him what story he had to tell. The man said: ‘Your Majesty, you must know that one day I went out to beg as usual, and fate led me to a large house on whose door I knocked, hoping to speak to its owner and beg something from him. The owner said: “Who is at the door?” and when I didn’t answer I could hear him coming down the stairs and repeating the question in a loud voice. I still said nothing and I heard him coming to the door, and when he asked who was there and I said nothing he opened the door and said: “What do you want?” I asked for some of the remains of the food that Almighty God had given him. “Blind man,” he said, and when I answered he told me to hold out my hand. I did this, thinking that he was going to put something into it, but instead he took it and brought me into the house.

  ‘He led me up a series of stairs to the top of the house, and I was sure that he was going to give me something, but when he stopped, he repeated: “What do you want, blind man?” “I want you to give me some food,” I told him, but all he said was: “May God make things easy for you.” “Why didn’t you say that when I was at the door?” I asked, to which he answered: “Why didn’t you answer the first time I asked who was there?” “What are you going to do now?” I said, at which he told me that he was not going to give me anything. “Take me down the stairs,” I said, and he merely said: “The way is in front of you.”

  ‘I started going down as best I could but when I was about twenty steps from the bottom my foot slipped and I fell on my face, breaking open my head. I left the house in a daze and met a companion of mine, who asked me what I had got that day. “Leave me,” I said, “for I met a swine who did me down today, making me climb up three storeys. I fell on the way down and am in great pain.”

  ‘I had some money of my own and I wanted to take some of it and spend it on myself. The damned fellow who owned the house was following me and listening to what I was saying to my companion without my knowing it, and when I got to my lodging he came in behind me. I waited for my companions, and when they had all come in I told them to shut and lock the door and then to check the rooms in case there were any strangers there. When my man heard this, he took hold of a rope that was hanging from the roof without our noticing. One of my companions checked the rooms while the others started striking the walls with their sticks, and they went on doing this without coming across anything.

  ‘When they then came up to me I told them that I needed a share of what we had got, and each of them brought out what he had in his pocket. When it was all in front of us we weighed it out and found that it came to ten thousand dirhams. We left this in a corner and, after taking what we needed, we scattered earth on what was left. We brought out something to eat, and when we had all gathered round I heard beside me the sound of a stranger chewing. “By God, there is a stranger here!” I told the others, and I stretched out my hand and took hold of his. There followed a fight which lasted for some time as I held on to the stranger, but later he called out: “People, a thief has come in wanting to play a trick on us and steal our money.” A large crowd gathered and he came up and attached himself to us as we had done to him and accused us as we had accused him, pretending to be blind like us lest he be suspected.

  ‘He then called out that the sultan should advise on the matter, and before we knew it we had been surrounded by the police chief and his men, who took us all off to the sultan’s office. He asked for the story, and the man who could see called down blessings on him and said that he thought that it was only by torture that things would become clear. He volunteered to be the first, and they tied him to the whipping post and gave him t
hree hundred lashes. In pain he opened one of his eyes and when he was given another three hundred he opened the other. “What is this, damn you?” said the police chief. “Master,” he said, “give me a token of immunity so that I may tell you about what we do.”

  ‘When he had been given this he said: “There are four of us, and we pretend to be blind, although we can all see. We go into people’s houses to look at the women there and do what we can to harm their relations and their husbands. This has got us a total of ten thousand dirhams. I asked them for my share, but they refused and after beating me they took all I had. I ask help from God and from you, as you have a better right to this money. If you want to know the truth of this, give each of them a hundred lashes until he opens an eye, and this will be clear to you.”

  ‘The police chief ordered us to be whipped, and I was the first to be tied up. He said: “You evil rascals, do you deny God’s grace and claim that you are blind?” “God, God!” I exclaimed, “not one of us can see,” but I was given a hundred lashes and lost consciousness. The man told the chief to wait until I had recovered and then have me beaten again. Meanwhile each of my friends received a hundred strokes as the chief told them: “Open your eyes or else I’ll beat you again.” The man said: “Sir, send someone with me to take the money, as these people are too afraid of disgrace to open their eyes.” The chief did this and after giving the man two thousand dirhams he took the rest and expelled us, saying that if we came back again he would have us killed. I walked off until I joined up with these others, and this is my story.’ The king laughed at him and marvelled at his tale.

  The Story of the Paralytic

  The king then summoned the paralytic and asked him for his name and his story. He said: ‘I am generally called Abu’l-Sha‘sha‘ and this is my story. One day when I was going on some errand of mine an old woman asked me to stop briefly as she had a proposal to make to me which, if I liked, I could then carry through. I stopped beside her and she said: “I shall tell you something and then direct you to a pleasant place, but don’t say too much.” “Go on,” I told her, and she said: “What would you say about a fine house with a flowery orchard, gushing streams and ripe fruits? There is clear wine, camphor-scented candles and the lovely face of one whom, after some hardship, you can embrace if you succeed in carrying out what I tell you.”

  ‘ “Lady,” I asked, when I heard this, “is all this in this world?” “Yes, it is for you if you want to act,” she replied. I asked her what she had seen in me to make her choose me rather than some immoral man, but she said: “Didn’t I tell you not to talk too much? Keep quiet and come with me.” She went off, and I followed her, lured by what she had described, and she then said: “The girl to whom I am taking you likes those who agree with her and dislikes those who don’t. If you obey and do what she tells you, she will become your slave.” I said that I would not refuse anything I was told to do and I went with the old woman into a large and lofty house where there were many servants and retainers. When they saw me they said: “What are you doing here?” “Don’t talk to him,” the old woman said, “for he is a craftsman whom we need.”

  ‘I went into a large courtyard, in the centre of which was the most beautiful orchard that had ever been seen. She sat me on an elegant bench with a covering of heavy brocade. Before I had waited long I heard a great commotion and saw girls coming towards me surrounding one who had been favoured by God with perfect beauty. I got to my feet when I saw her, and she took her seat while I remained standing in front of her. After welcoming me, she told me to sit down and then came and asked if all was well with me. “Very well indeed,” I told her, after which she had an ample meal brought in. We ate, but she could not stop laughing, although when I looked at her she turned to one of her maids as though she was laughing at her. All the while she was treating me affectionately and joking with me. Longing for her overcame me, and I had no doubt that she was in love with me, sharing my feelings, and that she would grant me my wish.

  ‘When I had finished eating, trays of gold and silver were produced on which were glasses of fine crystal containing wine of indescribable excellence. Ten girls lovely as the moon then came up carrying lutes and they began to sing heart-rending melodies with delightful voices. I had never seen anyone more beautiful. When my hostess then drank a ratl of wine I stood up, but although she told me to sit down again, I drank what she had been drinking standing up, and she started to pelt me with soft cushions. I didn’t like that and became very angry, but the old woman standing there winked at me so I held back and said nothing. That did not stop my hostess, who told the girls to join in pelting me, and this almost got me to fall on my face, while she was telling the old woman: “Mother, I have never seen a shrewder young man, nor one with a sweeter disposition or more charm. I shall give him what he will love to achieve from me.”

  ‘When this had been going on for what seemed to me to be a long time she went off to do something, and the old woman came up to me and congratulated me on getting what I wanted. “Lady,” I said, “how long do I have to put up with being slapped by her and her girls?” She said: “When she gets drunk you can have what you want, but take care not to move or to scowl or else you will lose everything.” “When will that be?” I asked. “At midnight,” she replied and I said: “By the glory of God, I shall go blind, and if this goes on until midnight I shall be dead.” “Pull yourself together,” she told me “and put up with this for an hour, for if you take it lightly you will get what you want.”

  ‘The lady came back and told the girls to leave, which they did. She then told me to sit down, and when I had done so, another girl came up and smeared me with aloes juice and nadd by way of perfume. Then the lady said: “Have you not come into my house and agreed to accept my conditions? Whoever disobeys me I expel and whoever puts up with my jokes gets what he wants.” “My lady,” I told her, “I am your slave and will bear with whatever you do.” Then she said: “Almighty God has inspired me with a love of amusement and novelties. As you can see, I spend each day in pleasure and enjoyment, and I allow those who accept this behaviour of mine to have what they want and to reach their goal, but those who disobey me I slap until they become blind.” I told her that I would obey her and follow her instructions, and she said: “If you are telling the truth, then don’t disobey me at all.”

  ‘When I said that I would not she told the girls to sing and dance, which they did. Then she told one of them: “Take my darling, the light of my eyes, dye his eyebrows and then pluck off his moustaches and bring them to me.” Using terms of endearment, she told me to go off with the girl, which I did in a state of perplexity, not knowing what she was going to do with me. The old woman was standing outside the door, and I asked her about this, but she told me that all would be well as the girl would only dye my eyebrows and remove my moustaches. “Dye on the eyebrows can be washed off,” I said, “but to pluck out the hairs of my moustache would be very painful.” She repeated: “Take care not to disobey her for you have what you want from her in that she is in love with you and her heart is yours. You will spend the rest of your life with her in the happiest of states with the most perfect pleasure.”

  ‘The girl sat down to dye my eyebrows but when she started to pluck my moustache I began to cry. “By your life,” the old woman conjured me, “you should be happy today for by showing endurance you will get what no one else has got.” I put up with it, and when the girl had finished she went off, leaving me in the charge of the old woman. The girl told her mistress that she had done what she had been told to do and asked if she wanted anything else. “Yes,” said the lady, “I want you to shave off his beard so that he becomes smooth-chinned, to keep me from being hurt by his rough hairs.” “My God, my God!” I exclaimed to the old woman. “I’m afraid that I shall be disgraced, and how am I going to be able to go out amongst people?” “This is good news for you,” the old woman replied, “for she only said this because she wants you not to leave her until your moustaches a
nd your beard have grown again. This is because she loves you and can’t find any other way of stopping you leaving. So be patient, for you have got what you want.”

  ‘I let the girl shave me, and she brought me back to her mistress with dyed eyebrows, moustaches that had been plucked out, a shaven beard and red face and cheeks. When the lady saw me she laughed so much that she fell over on her back and said: “You have won me by your good nature.” She then told her girls to strike up all their instruments and to sing, and she urged me to get up and dance. When I did this she used all the cushions that were there in order to hit me as well as pelting me with all the oranges and lemons she could find. This went on until weariness and the blows made me fall down in a faint.

  ‘When I had recovered the old woman said: “She never allows anyone to take her until he has removed all his clothes and is completely naked. She will do the same until only her harem trousers are left and then she will run from her lover as though she is trying to escape from him. He will follow her from room to room until he is fully aroused, when she will stop and give herself to him. So now take off your clothes.” I did so, and the lady stripped down to her trousers and said: “If there is anything you want, catch me.” I began to run after her as she went in and out of room after room, and I was so overpowered by lust that I was like a madman. When she got to a big room I ran in after her, crazed by lust, but I trod on a thin board which gave way beneath me, and before I knew what was happening I found myself in the middle of the tanners’ market, where the traders were with their hides.

  ‘When they saw me they ran after me, shouting and striking me with their hides, and they went on doing that until I collapsed unconscious. Later they put me on a donkey, naked as I was with dyed eyebrows, plucked moustaches and a shaven chin, and they took me to the city gate, where my arrival coincided with that of the police chief. When he asked what this was he was told that I had fallen the night before from the house of so-and-so the vizier in this condition. He ordered that I be taken to prison, and next day I was given a hundred lashes, mounted backwards on a donkey and expelled from the city. I made off, hiding away from people, until I met these who are now my companions. This is my story.’ The king laughed in astonishment at what he had heard.