Elise shook her head sadly. “Maybe that’s because this is the only moment you have left.”
Corey winced and stepped back, all the air in her lungs sharp and jagged. “You’re hurt, and you’re lashing out. I’m going to give you that blow because you’re scared.”
“No. You’re scared.” Elise lashed out again. “Do you think I don’t see it? Do you think the world doesn’t see it? All your talk about living in the moment and shaking things up, the skipping events, the one-race-at-a-time mentality? You’re grasping at straws. You don’t let yourself think about the future because you don’t have one.”
Corey clenched her fists and set her jaw, but the anger that usually accompanied those gestures didn’t come. Elise had landed a decisive blow, one she couldn’t shake off. Elise didn’t think she had a future. There was no coming back from a comment like that.
“You keep saying you want to stay in this moment, but every moment becomes the past eventually. At some point you have the face the future,” Elise said sadly. “You’re done, Core. You had a great career. You’re an inspiration to so many people. You could be so many things if only you’d realize this part is over for you.”
“And it’s not for you,” Corey finally managed to say through the pain. “That’s the point, right? You still have another race. Another shot at glory. Hell, you’ve got other Olympics ahead of you. No matter what happens, you’ll keep chasing your dreams. And you can’t do that with me on your coattails.”
“You think I’m upset about your riding my coattails? Do you really think so little of me?” Elise sounded hurt now, too, as if she was nearing tears. “You think I’m shallow and self-serving and snobby, just like everyone else. You never really had any intention of this lasting.”
“I didn’t say any of that.”
“You didn’t deny it either. Not to the press, and not to me.” She shook her head. “You don’t get it, do you?”
“Get what?”
“I love you, Corey. More than you’ll probably ever understand.”
“But it’s not enough, right?” Corey finished the statement before Elise had the chance to. She could see where this was going. “You can’t just be happy with me in the moment. You want more.”
Tears glistened in Elise’s blue eyes, but they refused to fall. “Yes. I do. I want more than this moment, Corey. I deserve that. I won’t give up my future for someone who can’t go there with me.”
Corey hung her head and let her shoulders sag, the weight of everything she’d propped up finally crashing down around her. That was the end. She couldn’t give Elise the future she wanted. She couldn’t be enough for her no matter how much she tried. She couldn’t will Elise’s happiness. No amount of hope or humor or good nature could overcome the fact that Elise was alwaying going to be chasing something more. “Well, I guess that tells me everything I need to know then.”
“Does it?” Elise’s voice echoed the pain Corey felt ripping her apart from the inside. “You don’t disagree? You aren’t going to argue or put up a fight?”
“No, I have to let go,” Corey said sadly. What was the point in arguing? Elise had already told her being in love wasn’t enough for her. What more could either of them say? “I can’t keep chasing you while you’re chasing the gold medal. We both deserve better.”
They stood there searching each other’s eyes for a long time before Elise finally said, “I’ll send Paolo over later to collect my things. I’ll stay at the ski team house.”
Corey swallowed the lump of emotions in her throat. “I guess it’ll be easier for you to focus over there.”
“I guess so.” She didn’t sound convinced, but Corey stifled the urge to reassure her. That wasn’t her job anymore. Perhaps it never had been. And still, even in this moment amid the hurt and insecurity, she couldn’t summon any malice toward her, because, deep down, she knew Elise was right. She was destined for bigger things than Corey could offer. The sooner they faced that, the better off they’d both be. “I hope you get everything you’ve ever dreamed of.”
“Thank you,” Elise said, then blinked a few times before turning toward the door. On her way out, she managed to say, “I hope you can find something to make you happy in the long run.”
Corey stood stock still and let her go, then pushing the door softly closed behind her, whispered, “I thought I had.”
Chapter 18
“Where do you want me to be?” Paolo asked, his eyes tired but sympathetic.
“Stay here,” Elise said, as she pulled her goggles into place. “Stay the course.”
That had been her motto over the past three days since she’d lost the downhill race. And that’s how she insisted on thinking of it, as the day she’d lost the downhill, not the day she’d lost Corey. She’d never really had Corey. She’d have some fun with Corey and had mistaken it for something more, but it couldn’t have been love, not if she was the only one feeling anything. She’d been ready to rearrange her future for a woman who’d only wanted some fun in the moment. The thought made her heart hurt all over again. She’d been ready to promise forever to someone who wouldn’t even promise to be there two weeks from now. Even when she’d said she loved her, and waited, her heart twisting, practically begging her to return the statement, Corey’s response had been that it wasn’t enough to overcome their differences. The woman known for taking risks on a snowboard couldn’t bring herself to take a risk on them as a long-term investment. Well, at least now she knew. No more doubts to drown in or to distract her from her goals. She had nothing left to do but win.
She’d trained obsessively, both in the gym and on the slopes. She’d met with ski techs and put in time with trainers and studied meteorology reports by the hour. She’d even removed an underlayer of clothing, despite the subzero wind chill. She hadn’t quite gone skin-to-win, but close. Too bad Corey wouldn’t be around to enjoy the results.
“No,” she whispered, and checked the straps on her gloves one more time.
“‘No what?” Paolo asked.
“No distractions.”
“Were you thinking about her again?”
“No.”
“Right.” He sounded as tired as she felt. She hadn’t meant to put him in the middle of everything, but her moving out of the house had made it harder for them to train together, and her focus on video and statistics kept him out late and woke him up early. If the schedule had made things harder, or if the emotional turmoil between her and Corey had affected him and Holly, he hadn’t let on. Honestly, she wouldn’t have minded a short update on how Corey was faring, but what would be better, knowing she was miserable, or hearing she’d held up fine?
“No,” she said again, then added, “sorry. I know I’m a bit intense right now.”
“It’s expected,” he said.
“Because of a breakup? Because Corey’s not waiting in the stands? Because she didn’t think I was worth building a future with?”
He clasped a hand on her shoulder. “Because you’re about to compete in an Olympic race that you’ve worked eighteens months to get to.”
“Oh.” She didn’t point out she’d actually worked a lot longer than that.
He met her eyes. “You made your choice, Elise.”
“Corey made my options clear—”
“No,” he said firmly. “You made your choice. You could’ve made different decisions. There’s always something else. You could’ve chosen journalism. You could’ve chosen business. You could’ve chosen to be a socialite or a trophy wife.”
She rolled her eyes.
“You could have chosen to stay in the hospital bed a little longer. You could have chosen Corey, but you chose this. Over and over again, you picked this race. You can’t have any of those choices back, not right now. You’re out of choices. The only way to vindicate yourself now is to win.”
She nodded solemnly. “At least I’m familiar with that kind of pressure.”
“I don’t know if that’s more better or more w
orser, but I know you’re a winner, at any cost, at all the costs.” He stated the fact without a hint of pride or ounce of doubt. “Go do what you were born to do.”
She hugged him quickly, then slid into position.
Rocking back and forth in the ruts, she couldn’t help but see the connection to her life. Back in the groove, back to the familiar, back to a path that had been cut by someone else.
The gate judge motioned her forward, and she slid her skis between the starting posts. Only a thick, yellow wire separated her from her dreams. She stood mere minutes from ending the pressure. Ending the pain. Ending the crushing sense of doubt and inadequacy. Placing her poles carefully over the line, she fixed her grip. A sense of destiny settled over her. She knew the ending before she even pushed off. The race was once again hers to lose.
But she wouldn’t lose. Not this time. Not in this way. The familiar demons were nowhere to be found, but a new chorus rose up in the back of her mind. Paolo was right. At every turn in her life, she’d chosen this path. She’d forgone a normal childhood. She’d let go of friends and relationships with colleagues. She’d sacrificed her body and riddled her brain with competition. And now she’d surrendered her heart, all for the next two minutes of her life.
God, what had she done?
Beep.
She couldn’t think. She had to go. She always outran the voices in her head.
Beep.
Only this time the voice was her own. Could she possibly outrun even herself?
Beep.
Explode.
• • •
“Go, go, go,” Nate shouted at the TV, and Tigger’s voice devolved into a high-pitched squeal as Elise passed the final split marker. The line across the bottom of the screen flashed green.
“She’s not losing time.” Nate stated the obvious. “She’s getting better.”
Now even the announcers were shouting as she tightened her tuck and bolted toward the finish line. “She’s ahead by a huge margin, folks. She might break the course record here.”
“She’s got this, dude. She’s got it,” Nate yelled, throwing his hands in the air. Nikki, too, began to jump and dance, but Corey couldn’t even breathe until Elise blew across the finish line. She was going so fast she continued to travel at breakneck speed even after kicking her skis sideways, and she nearly broke all the way through the fence separating her from the crowd. Several of the reporters and bystanders had to reach across and prop her up.
Still Corey waited, heart beating painfully in her throat until the official time flashed across the leaderboard, confirming what everyone else had already begun celebrating. Elise had won. She’d blown the competition away. She’d set a new course record. The announcers chattered excitedly about how this would go down as one of the most dominant performances in Olympic ski history.
“She did it,” Corey finally whispered. Then with a heavy exhale, she let go of all the tension she’d carried with her for days. Elise was an Olympic gold medalist, and she even had a world record to go with her win. Her name would forever be etched in the history books. At least Corey hadn’t cost her that dream. Now she could move forward without some of the guilt that had plagued her for days. Of course, without the fear that she’d wrecked Elise’s life, she now had more time and energy to focus on the fact that Elise had likely been right. Corey had been holding her back. Without the distraction of their ill-fated relationship, Elise had the freedom and the focus she needed to achieve everything she wanted in life.
Her stomach churned, and the room grew stiflingly hot. “I need some air,” she mumbled to no one in particular and stepped out the sliding glass door to the back deck.
“Okay?” Holly called after her.
“Yeah,” she lied. “I’m good.”
Holly would listen. She’d hug her, tell her she’d made the right decision, and she deserved someone who would put her first. She’d done so several times over the last few days, but it’d never helped. She’d tried desperately to focus on the end of their conversation, to hang onto Elise saying she didn’t want to risk her future on Corey, but she couldn’t quite shake the reminder that the assessment had come only after she’d stated Corey didn’t have a future of her own.
Watching her cross the finish line moments ago made Corey wonder for about the hundredth time if she’d been right. It certainly felt as if Elise had made the right choice at the moment. She’d be able to write her own ticket to anywhere she wanted to go from here. Corey would likely leave these Olympics in the same fashion in which she’d arrived. Even if she won, and lately she’d even begun to doubt her ability to do that, what would she gain? Mostly a win would buy her more time to keep doing the same things she’d always done.
Six months ago that would’ve been enough. When had that changed? When she’d started to lose? When the kid had left her in the dust? When Elise had come onto the scene? Or maybe when she’d left. There sure was a lot of losing and getting left behind over the past few months, and in a lot of areas of her life. Maybe that’s where her discontent stemmed from. Nothing in the world bothered a racer more than being left behind. How had she let it become her way of life?
She glanced over her shoulder as her friends continued to laugh and smile about Elise’s win. Holly was on the phone and gesturing wildly, no doubt talking to Paolo. This win would secure his career for a long time, too. He’d no doubt get a handsome bonus and plenty of job offers, but she suspected if he had his way, all of those things would take a backseat to his quest to win Holly’s hand in marriage. She didn’t expect Holly to put up much of a fight, either. Her sister was ready to settle down, and Corey didn’t want to think about life on the road without her, but she couldn’t ask her to spend months away from Paolo, either. And what if kids came into the picture?
Kids. The term barely fit Tigger anymore. She was still every bit as bouncy as she’d been back in July, but she’d held her own, not only on racetrack, but also on the press circuit. No thanks to Corey, she’d been bombarded with questions and even a few nasty insinuations about her own sexuality, but she’d never taken the bait. She’d remained steadfast, both as a friend and as an athlete. Corey attributed part of her composure to her natural good nature, and the other part to Nate’s guiding influence. He’d become a big brother to her as well as a coach and mentor. Corey always thought he’d fallen into his line of work because of their friendship. Only after watching him work with Tigger did she realize his experience, his values, and his ability to get the most from boarders while still respecting their dude culture would make him an asset on any team. Still, if given the choice, she suspected he’d rather work with Team Tigger than anyone else, maybe even her.
They all had futures. They all had their next steps lined up and waiting for them. The only reason they hadn’t jumped yet was because of her. She rested her forehead on the cold wood of the deck railing and took a deep breath of the frozen air, but no amount of ice could cool the flames licking her cheeks now.
She was holding everyone back.
They would stay, of course. She didn’t doubt their loyalty to her, but what about her responsibility to them? If she had some amazing plan waiting to be unfurled, some awesome adventure around the next bend, she wouldn’t hesitate to sweep them up and carry them along with her, but how much longer could she ask them to hang around for the same old stale pattern even she had begun to grow weary of? Hell, how much longer could she ask that of even herself?
She didn’t have the answers. She barely even had the energy to keep asking the questions.
• • •
The opening strains of “The Star-Spangled Banner” struck up loudly from the giant speakers over Elise’s head, and the crowd went wild. An Olympic official unfurled a ribbon strung through the clasp of a gold medal. She watched it dangle, glinting in the white heat of the spotlight before she bowed her head solemnly and the official slipped the silky ribbon over her neck. A teenage girl with big, dark eyes handed her a bouquet of flowers and
mumbled what she assumed was congratulations, but between the language barrier and the decibel level of the music, she couldn’t be sure.
She couldn’t be sure of much as people around her began to sing, “Oh say can you see . . .”
Nothing felt real. It was as if she were watching herself or even someone else on TV. She’d seen this sort of ceremony so many times, both in real life and in her dreams. She’d imagined herself on this podium, felt the weight of her worries replaced by the weight of gold hanging from her neck. She heard the crowd scream her name and saw the American flags wave throughout the crowd. She straightened and glanced behind her to see the Stars and Stripes rising high into the night sky. Everything about those dreams had come true, and she felt all the relief she’d hoped for. As they hailed the “twilight’s last gleaming,” her chest grew lighter, her head more clear, the tension gone from her shoulders, and yet that’s where the change ended.
She acutely felt the absence of everything that had driven her, and yet nothing rushed in to replace it. She’d felt relief before. The first time she’d won a major race, the first time she’d walked after her accident, the moment she’d made the Olympic team, but the emotion had always been tempered by the understanding of the next fight. Now she stood at the pinnacle of the podium, and her heart no longer beat with that sense of challenge or purpose. It barely beat at all. Her whole core felt empty and void.
By “the rocket’s red glare,” she realized she’d never stopped to consider what might come in after the rush of accomplishment. She’d always assumed there would be something more, something better. Peace? Joy? Contentedness? Happiness? Where were they? Would they come in time? Maybe after all the newness wore off? Would she even recognize those feelings after living without them for so long? Then again, she hadn’t lived without them completely. She’d experienced all those emotions on some level lately. She’d known peace with Corey and her family on Christmas day. She’d felt joy skiing across the finish line to find her waiting. She’d known contentedness in those nights when she’d fallen asleep in her arms after a full day of work and play. And she’d felt happiness, even in the little moments, an unexpected touch, the flash of her bright smile, the connection of their eyes across a crowded room.
Edge of Glory Page 29
