When I opened my eyes, hers were staring right at me. I nudged her nose with mine to bring her out of her thoughts and kick start her trap.
She took a shaky breath and leaned back. “Why haven’t you ever said anything before?”
There was too much space between us now and I didn’t like it. I slid my hands up her thighs and wrapped them around her bare hips to keep her from moving even further away before I answered her.
“You never asked, just took it, us, as it came.” A derisive laugh slipped free, and I leaned back and looked up at the ceiling. “I got comfortable in it. It was an easy way out.”
Her small hands landed on my stomach and she rubbed them up and down my chest. I wasn’t a talker and the little soothing motions let me know she knew this was out of my comfort zone. Hell, she’d been pushing me out of my self imposed prison since the day I met her. She’d blown right in and blew my world to Hell without even trying. Without even doing anything. Just being herself. One disaster after another until she was the only thing left standing in the wreckage. Broken and beautiful; completely out of control. I smiled and looked back down at her before pulling her ass closer to me.
“I got comfortable, J. It was easy. I’d never met someone who just accepted the way I was. No explanation needed, no demands for reasoning. It was fucking nice for once.” I shrugged. “So I just tried to reciprocate. I guess in doing so, I just assumed you knew you could talk to me about the big stuff if you wanted. And that was my mistake. But I’m not going anywhere. Regardless of what you say or don’t say. Do or don’t do. I’m right fucking here.”
My heart was pounding as she just sat there wide eyed and said nothing. Adrenaline raged through me as thoughts of claiming her took root in my mind, warring with the ache in my gut at having said too much. But this had nothing to do with sex. This was us. She was my partner. Would she run like she did with everyone else? Is that who I was to her? The possibility burned inside me, and I dug my fingers into the cheeks of her ass and pulled her flush against me.
Her eyes watered, and when she shook her head, my heart stopped.
“You are…” her words died off, and it looked as if she were searching for what to say. Silent tears ran down her cheeks and she let them.
I didn’t know what was coming next, had no clue how she’d react to what I said as I sat there and ran through all the outcomes. What I didn’t expect was for her to yell.
“Such an asshole!” She hiccuped, and a sob broke free as her head fell to my chest.
I sat there, frozen, grabbing her ass as she cried. I didn’t know what to do. What to say. I was pretty sure my hands on her ass feeling her up was not it though, so I let go and slid them up her back. I hugged her small little body to my chest and just held her while she fell apart, hoping this didn’t trigger her sixes. I didn’t know what I’d said wrong, and it tore me to pieces knowing I was responsible. I wasn’t cut out for this kind of fucking shit. I’d seen her cry before, but nothing like this and I was lost.
Her sobbing eased and after a few minutes, it was nothing but the residual hiccup here and there. I felt her breathing even out as she fought for control of her own emotions and pride ran through me. She’d kept herself from spinning and reigned it in. It wouldn’t be long before she wouldn’t need a handler any more.
What then?
She sniffled and adjusted herself to a more comfortable position on top of me. Which meant she was plastered to my chest and stomach, straddling my dick.
Son of a fucking bitch.
She mumbled something, and I looked down at the top of her head. “What?”
“You think I’m beautiful?”
Disbelief shot through me and my annoyance surged back full force. Of course that would be the part she’d focus on. Not the actual important shit. She’d packed that shit away to deal with later.
“Ugh.” I let go and pushed her away with the palm of my hand against her face. “Get off me.”
She laughed as I dumped her ass off the couch and laid down. Face down. Before I strangled her.
“Oh, come on! Don’t be like that.” She poked me in the leg with her foot and I kicked it away.
“Stop that shit. It’s annoying as fuck, like you.”
"How am I annoying?”
“I was trying to be serious, Vaughn. And you can’t pull your head out of the gutter long enough to have a single fucking conversation so we can be done with it!”
Fucking hell, I sounded like a woman. She’d turned me into a nagging fucking house wife. I groaned. Why? Just why?
“Look, I heard everything you said. But I can’t deal the way you can. I can’t just throw shit out there all at once and be done with it. My sixes can only handle so much emotional shit at a time. So excuse the fuck out of me for dealing with it the only way I can and still be able to function at the same time. I didn’t ‘not take you serious’, but choosing to focus on the one part that made me happy instead of the rest that freaked me the fuck out was my way of coping with it.”
She turned on her heel and stomped off to the kitchen, leaving me lying there feeling like an ass and it pissed me the fuck off. I couldn’t win for losing, so I was going the fuck to sleep.
Within minutes, the dead silence had itched its way up my spine and planted itself in my subconscious. Four minutes exactly, I counted. She couldn’t be still or quiet for two solid minutes without it almost killing her on a good day; what the fuck was she doing?
I turned my head and looked across the room to see her leaned back against the counter, arms and ankles crossed, lost in thought. If she kept this up, she’d break something.
“What the fuck are you doing?”
Her eyes flew to mine, then rolled. “Thinking. You know, that thing that happens when you use your brain?”
“Well, quit, it’s annoying.”
“Ugh.” She started pacing and made her way from the glass doors to the front doors and back, only to do it all over again.
I dropped my head back down. That was better. I could hear her movements and know she wasn’t freaking the fuck out. She’d wear off the extra energy then go to bed. Except she didn’t, and half a mother fucking hour later, she was still at it. I was too tired for this and my patience snapped, again.
“Vaughn! Take your meds and get the fuck over here.”
She stopped and her shoulders fell. A frown pulled her lips down as disappointment filled her face and she scratched above her breasts as her eyes flicked to the kitchen and back to me. She hated taking the sedatives to knock her out, being unaware, helpless, and I could tell she’d been hoping for a trip to the gym to wear herself out instead. I felt guilty for not letting her, but it was not fucking happening today.
“It’s only for a couple of hours and I’ll be here the whole time.”
She took off for the bedroom and I sighed, laying my head back down. Guess I wouldn’t be getting any sleep after all if I had to watch over her. I was about to get up when I felt her knee press into the back of my thigh, followed by her hands on my shoulders and the rest of her body as she laid down on top of me.
The feel of her sprawled on my back brought my cock back to life. Again. And it was harder to ignore than I thought it would be after our talk and the urge to claim her just grew stronger. She laid there completely still until I couldn’t take it anymore. This new mood of hers and all the shit between us had me on edge and was driving me insane.
“Talk to me.”
No answer.
I knew the shithead was awake and ignoring me because when she slept, she flopped around like dying fucking moose. It was like sleep with a fucking Mac truck and I had to all but lay on top of her to get her to stop.
“Woman.”
“You were right,” her whispered words were barely audible, even for me.
“About?”
“I do worry about my shit fucking up people’s lives. But it’s not a possibility, Sut. It’s guaranteed. My past is full of disasters, accidents, fig
hts, deaths. All because of the way I am. What I am. I learned that lesson the hard way. Over and over and over again a long time ago.”
The pain and regret in her voice as she talked about her past ripped at me. I knew she had a fucked up past, but I didn’t know how bad. It was more like mine than I thought and I fucking hated that she had to live with that every day.
“My sixes make me feel insane. It’s a lot for me to handle, much less dragging anyone else into this mess. Doing that knowing what the outcome is would be selfish. I can’t knowingly do that to people. I made peace with that.”
“Lift up.” If I was going to do this, I wanted to look her in the eyes.
Her hands and feet fell to each side of me and her weight left my back.
I looked over my shoulder before I slowly flipped onto my back and pulled her down on top of me. She straddled my fucking cock again, the sweats the only thing between us and I could feel the heat of her through them as her breasts pressed against my upper stomach. This was torture and I was masochistic enough to grab her hips and pull her further against me.
“If I don’t get to worry about you, you don’t get to worry about me.
Ignoring my hand and my dick, she laughed. It wasn’t a pretty sound. “You do worry about me. Constantly.”
“No, I don’t worry about you. I worry for you, J.”
She frowned. “The difference being?”
I tucked a strand of her hair that had fallen behind her ear and cupped her cheek before I answered.
“For you. For your health, whether you’ve eaten enough, slept enough, let your wards down enough. You’re the most important person in my life and everyday, I watch your sixes change, get worse. Watch you struggle to figure them out and control them. I worry for you because I want you to be okay. And I do everything I can to help because you’re not alone in this. But I’m not worried about you, about you being around me. Or that I’m going to fuck your life up just by letting you in mine.”
She shrugged and dropped her eyes to my chest. “It’s hard to fuck someone up when they’re already more fucked up than you.”
“You may be fucked up, J, but no, that’s not why.” I tilted her chin up so her eyes met mine again.
“You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. I knew it the day you walked into that training hall. And what you didn’t already know, the things you still wanted to, I taught you. I know you can handle what gets thrown at you. And I know you can handle me. My past, and everything that comes with it, is a part of me. I may not talk about it, but I know that if it ever became an issue, you could handle it. I trust you. But I need you to know that you can trust me too.”
“I do trust you.”
“That I can handle you, J, and whatever you and your sixes throw my way. I’m not fucking going anywhere. So get it through that thick fucking skull of yours already. Job or not, boss or not, I’m right fucking here.” It felt like I’d just been filleted, laid bare for her to see.
She didn’t move or even blink. Just. Stared.
Her eyes were still their normal bright green, so she wasn’t upset by what I’d said. But I didn’t like the gawking either. “What are you doing?”
“Concentrating.”
“On fucking what?” I barked, and she wiggled on my lap.
“Practising self restraint so you don’t get mad! You say shit like that and expect it not to turn me on. Then yell at me when it does! So I’m trying really really hard not to attack your face right now ‘cause your dick is so fucking hard and your squeezing my ass and looking at me like that while saying those things to me and its a really perfect moment and I don’t want to fuck it up, but I don’t know what to do, so I’m just trying not to do anything!” She ran out of breath finally and sank like a deflated balloon to my chest and proceeded to ignore me.
It was my turn, and I just stared down at the top of her head. Unfuckingbelievable. I groaned and rubbed my eyes. I’d just cock blocked myself. All my lectures about doing the right thing and yelling when she got anywhere near that line had just bit me on the fucking ass. “Fuck.”
I wrapped my arms around her glad she at least had enough sense when I, apparently, didn’t and hoped she went the fuck to sleep now.
We laid there, ignoring the elephant in the room, aka my still rock hard cock stabbing her, and didn’t say a word. I sure as hell didn’t trust myself enough to open my damn mouth. I’d end up fucking begging. It was all I could do now to not pull my sweats down and ram my dick in her. To flip her ass over, pound myself inside that tight little body of hers until it was my name she was screaming as she came, over and over again until she was fucking mine.
Boss. I was her boss. Her partner. If I fucked her, that shit would be ruined and then she’d be on her own with this case, paired with some other asshole as her handler. The reminder of our reality cooled my cock unlike anything else could. She wanted this case more than anything. And I wouldn’t allow her to pursue it without me on it with her. If I pulled her, she’d hate me forever.
A tear hit my chest and rolled down my abs. Every muscle tightened as dread hit like a bucket of ice.
Were her wards down?
Acid burned in my gut at the thought of her feeling and knowing everything I’d just thought. Because she’d put it together eventually, and when she did, she’d be fucking livid.
“I think something is wrong with me.” Her voice cracked like it was painful to say.
I wrapped my arms around her and turned us toward the back of the giant sofa. She tilted her head back and looked up.
Her eyes were dazed, the drugs taking over, but whatever was bothering her, had been bothering her, had surfaced now.
“I don’t want to be a monster.”
I frowned and leaned back to get a better look at her face. “You’re not a monster, J. Why would you even say that?”
As soon as the words left my mouth, I heard Hicks’ voice in the back of my head. Monster. He’d called her. Monster.
“I don’t feel bad.” Her voice was empty now, hollow, and the drugs slurred her words.
Feel bad? I was so fucking confused. I rubbed her back while I tried to make sense of what she said and follow her train of thought but that was like fucking rocket science. Instead of her emotions being reactions to thoughts, her emotions drug her thoughts wherever they wanted them to go. There was no map for that.
“What kind of person does that make me?”
The way she was talking pissed me off, and I grabbed her face and forced her to look at me through the drugged fog. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“What kind of person kills someone and doesn’t feel guilty?”
“So you haven’t been upset all day because you killed someone, but because you should be and you’re not?” I asked dumbly.
She nodded and I couldn’t help but laugh. I should have known better.
“It’s not funny.”
“It kinda is, J. Because if the roles were reversed, I’d do the same thing and not think twice about it. So if that makes you a monster, then I’m right there with you. Now go to sleep.” I pulled her head back to my chest and wrapped my bicep around it. Because so help me God, if she opened her mouth again—.
“Thanks. For the sleep.” She snuggled in and buried her nose in my neck.
“Don’t thank me when you didn’t really have a choice in the matter.”
“Hmm…”
“There was no way you were dragging my ass down to the gym for three hours. Now, if you don’t go to sleep, I’m going to fucking strangle you.”
She laughed lightly, and within seconds, the meds pulled her under. Thank fuck. I was exhausted. Fuck flowers, I needed to buy Mom a fucking car.
Chapter Thirteen
Vaughn
I woke wrapped up in Sutton.
My head between his biceps, face mushed against his pec, and one leg thrown over his waist with his dick pressing into me wasn’t exactly a bad way to start the day.
&n
bsp; Sometime in the night, he’d leaned toward the back of the couch over me and I was now wedged between the couch cushions and his body. I didn’t want to move, but I was so fucking hot.
I tried to wiggle out from beneath him but that just ended with him groaning and grinding into me. With my wards up, I could focus on just the feel of him pressed up against me and my own physical response. Which was fucking trying not to get all worked up.
I didn’t have panties on and his sweats were thin and had definitely seen better years. But if he ever tried to replace them, I’d probably throw a fucking fit the size of Texas. They outlined his ‘figure’ perfectly and my mouth watered every time he came out of the bathroom wearing them.
I grinned into his chest and tapped him with one finger.
He mumbled and tightened his arms around me.
I tapped again.
“No.”
I snorted. “What do you mean ‘no’? I need up.”
“No.”
“But I’m hot.”
He leaned back just enough that air flowed between us.
I grinned. “I have to pee.”
“Hold it.”
I laughed. “Im hungry?”
He groaned again and rolled over, taking me with him.
I pushed myself up using his chest and smiled down at the big oaf. He was fucking sexy first thing in the mornings. He always had that wild look about him, like he’d just come out from chopping down a forest. But half asleep, the edges were softer. The worry lines that marred his face were gone, and he looked peaceful. And younger.
His hand landed on my ass, startling me and stinging the bare skin. “Staring is rude.”
“Ow!” I rubbed my buttcheek. “You like it when I ogle you, don’t even lie.”
He cracked an eye open and fought a grin. “I thought you had to pee?”
Trust In Lust Page 13
