by Andi Jaxon
It’s sometime around midnight now, Ben is asleep next to me, but my mind won’t quit. Tonight keeps playing in my head. The sex was better than anything I’ve ever experienced. Not only did it blow the top of my head off, but there was a deeper connection, an emotional one. Ben asked for what he needed.
The thought has me pausing. Ben asked for what he needed. That’s huge. My heartbeat increases and a smile lifts my lips, he trusts me. I’ve never wanted anyone’s trust like I need his. I crave it. I think I’m falling for him, hard. Irrevocably. Head over heels.
A whimper and jerk have me looking at Ben. His face is contorted in pain and fear—he’s having a nightmare. Moving to cradle him to my chest, I wrap my arms around him and whisper in his ear, “It’s okay. I’ve got you.” Over and over, my hand rubbing big circles on his back as he fights the demons in his head. He’s starting to shake and fight against my hold, muttering “no” and “get off.”
Grasping his shoulders, I shake him. “Ben, wake up.”
He fights me harder, swinging his arms and kicking at the blankets. “Ben! Wake up!” I shake him harder. Suddenly a blood-curdling scream leaves his mouth, and he jerks awake, sweaty and panting. His eyes are crazed, fear racing through his body as he looks for the threat.
“Ben, you’re okay. It was just a bad dream.” His eyes find mine in the darkened room and tears fall from his lashes. He takes a deep breath, and a sob racks his body when he curls into me. His arms wrap around me and hold so tight it’s hard to breathe, and his fingers are digging into my skin. His face is against the crook of my neck, my beard is probably scratching his temple, but he doesn’t seem to care. My leg wraps around his hip, and my arms are around his shoulders, holding him just as tightly as he’s holding me.
In this moment of vulnerability, pain, and fear, he reached for me. I close my eyes and just hold him, let him work past the nightmare.
“It’s not just a dream.” His voice is so soft, I’m almost not sure I heard him.
“Memory?”
“Yes.” His mouth moves against my skin, hot breath, and sandpaper from his five o’clock shadow scraping my flesh.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Keeping my heart rate calm and the quiver out of my voice is hard if his nightmares are memories, I can only imagine how bad they are. Ben is the strongest man I’ve ever met, still carrying on after what he’s gone through, he’s such a sweet person. He doesn’t take his hardships out on other people, doesn’t belittle others to make himself feel better. He’s a better man than most.
“The man I lived with for most of my life was strict. Punishments were harsh to ensure I didn’t make the same mistake again.” He shuffles around, his arms relax some, but his voice is devoid of emotion.
“He wasn’t above corporal punishment. A leather belt was his favorite device, but I was well acquainted with a wooden paddle too. The worst was when I was left to freeze and starve.” His voice never raises, and there’s no inflection like he’s telling a story about someone else. I was never open hand spanked, I can’t wrap my brain around a belt or paddle, but freezing? Starving?
“For days, I would sit in my room with no heat, no blanket, and no clothes. It didn’t matter what time of year. My fingers and toes would turn purple and blue. If I did something bad enough, he would come in with the belt after my skin was icy. The sting was so much worse…” He trails off, tears running down my chest as he stops. The lump in my throat makes swallowing hard and I don’t have words for him.
He’s quiet for a few minutes, done talking for now. My fingers run through his shaggy hair and cup the back of his head. Tipping his head back, he finds my eyes, his full of torment and shame.
“It’s not your fault, Ben. It’s not your fault.” More tears hit my skin, and trail down his face as I lean in to kiss him. A soft brushing of lips against lips while we hold each other, both needing the comfort and reassurance of the other. His lips are a little salty from his tears, but it makes this kiss mean more. There’s nothing sexual about it, just reaffirming we’re here, together.
It’s been about a month since Ben’s nightmare and midnight confession. We’ve fallen into an easy routine. In the mornings he has class, and I drive to campus, so we don’t leave at the same time or get seen walking together. The other days, we have lunch together before he goes to class. I make coffee and breakfast every morning, and he makes me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch on the days we don’t eat together, then we make dinner together. He’s getting pretty good at chopping, but hasn’t made it to actual cooking yet. Tomorrow, he’s going to Thanksgiving dinner with me at my parents’ house. I am both excited for him to meet my parents and terrified of what Alex is going to say.
A knock on my office door is not unexpected. “Come in.”
The door opens, a black hoodie peeks through the opening and obsidian eyes meet mine. A smile tugs at my mouth, just the same as it does every time I see him. “Hey, stranger.”
He smiles when he comes in and shuts the door behind him, leaning over my desk for a kiss that’s not nearly enough. With a sigh and a smirk, he drops down onto the chair, his backpack at his feet.
“Are you ready for the test today?” I ask him, peering around my coffee mug.
He rolls his eyes and scoffs at me. “Depends. Does the test have the same types of questions as the homework and practice test?”
I shrug. “We’ll see.”
“You’re kind of a jerk. Do you know that?” The more time we spend together, the more he teases me. I love every second of it.
“I may have been told that once or twice.”
“Well, third times the charm, right?”
Shaking my head at him, I give what he has come to call, the teacher eye. “Don’t you have studying to do?”
Ben stands with a flourish, and his fingertips against his chest reminds me of a debutant. He tells me, with the voice of a woman, “Why, yes I do, professor.” Then spins and bends at the hip to get into his backpack. His ass is in my direct line of sight, cupped perfectly by his faded black jeans. When he looks at me over his shoulder and flips his hair out of his face, I’m done for. Leaning forward over my desk, I glide my hand up his inner thigh to cup him.
I’m impressed he stays in character, fake voice and all. “Professor, that’s so inappropriate. What will the Dean say?” His words say no, albeit in a fake voice, but his body pushes into my hand. Ben’s eyes close and bites his lower lip. I grip his shaft through the rough fabric and smack his ass with the other, he jumps from the suddenness but moans when I rub the sting away.
A loud laugh in the hallway has me snatching my hands back and running my fingers through my hair. Ben drops to a crouch at the same time, and we both let out a breath. We need to be more careful. Someone could walk in at any time.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
BEN -
Being able to play around, joke, and relax with Alister has been amazing. I finally feel like I’m living, not just surviving. I smile and laugh. We cuddle, talk, kiss, then fall asleep wrapped around each other. It’s hard to believe people live their entire lives feeling like this, like things are going to be okay. For the first time in my life, I have hope. I want to know what the future will hold.
However, tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I’m meeting his family. I’ve seen Alex, but I’ve never talked to him or looked him in the eye. But parents? The only parents I’ve met were Kristen’s and her father despised me the second he saw me. What if Alister’s parents hate me? Will he change his mind about me and kick me out of his apartment? What if I don’t fit in with them? He’s from an upper middle class family. I don’t own clothes without holes in them which have nothing to do with fashion. Since I moved into Alister’s, I’ve been wearing one of his North Face jackets over my sweatshirt to stay warm.
The calculus test sucked, but I’m pretty sure I passed it, at least I hope I did. Since staying with Alister, my grade has improved, along with my understanding of the material, bu
t it’s still as fun as pulling teeth. I do not understand how he teaches this shit for fun. Once I’m done, I head back to his office to wait for him, letting myself in with the key he gave me. I’m pretty sure he can get in trouble for making copies of his office key, but what the school doesn’t know won’t get him in trouble.
At his office, I’m unlocking the door when someone hollers at me. Surprised, I spin around and look for the person who yelled.
“What do you think you’re doing?” A well-dressed, grey-haired man with a pinched face asks me, arms crossed over his chest.
“Professor Bennet asked me to grab something from his office.” The lie flies out before I’ve had time to think of a story.
“He just gave you his keys?”
My stomach is in knots, and I’m ready to throw up. “Yes.”
“Give me those keys. We’ll be going to give Professor Bennet a little visit.” He holds his hand out expectantly.
“Can I grab the papers he asked for first?”
The man narrows his eyes and glares at me. I’m not sure what is going to happen, but I need to make this look as real as possible. “Fine, but I’m going in with you.”
“Okay.” I finish unlocking and opening the door, stepping inside and reaching for the stack of papers on his desk. I have no idea which class these are for, but it’s the only thing I’ve got. “Got it,” I say, lifting the stack to show the angry man in the doorway. Locking the door behind me, I hand over my keys and wait for him to check the door. He looks at the keys in his hand for a moment, and I hold my breath. All that’s on the key ring is the apartment keys, the office key, and an ‘I heart math’ key chain Alister found for me.
Pocketing the keys, he turns and storms down the hallway, leaving me to trail after him. The closer we get to the classroom, the more nervous I get. My hands are trembling, the knots in my stomach are so tight it hurts, and I am about ten seconds from chucking my lunch into a trash can.
The door to the classroom is in sight. I’m praying to a deity I’ve never believed in that it doesn’t open. The grumpy man reaches for the door, and it swings open, Alister abruptly stops to avoid hitting him.
“Mr. Rockwell, to what do I owe this pleasure?” I can see he’s struggling to keep the surprise and fear off his face when his eyes flick to mine.
“I found this student getting into your office. He claims you gave him your keys.” He holds up the keyring to show Alister, who reaches out and takes them. Before he can say anything, I step forward and push the stack of papers at Alister.
“Here’s the stack of papers you asked for, Professor.” The words are tumbling from my lips faster than normal.
“Thank you, Ben. You’ve saved me a trip. Have a good night. I’ll see you next week.” He smiles a tight-lipped, nervous smile, and dismisses me. In a rush to leave, I all but run in the opposite direction.
All the way back to the apartment, I hustle. Frustrated for being scared, angry I have to lie to get through life. I’m almost to the building when something snags my backpack, catching my immediate attention and pulling me off balance. Falling into an alley, I barely catch myself on a dumpster that smells like it’s had better days. Turning to look at the entrance of the alley, I see the thugs from my neighborhood blocking my exit. I had a feeling they wouldn’t let it go, that they would be back. These damn wanna be thugs cause more damage than actual gangs.
“Hey, faggot,” the one in the center says, taking a step forward. Fuck. “We’re just here to remind you where you come from. Butt fuckers like you, you don’t deserve to be happy or live in nice places.”
Don’t be a smart-ass. Don’t be a smart-ass. Don’t be a smart-ass.
My mantra continues to run through my head, but I am sick and tired of life using me as a punching bag, giving me something amazing then ripping it from my fingers. I’m sick of hiding in the background and still getting the shit kicked out of me. I’m tired of being scared all the goddamn time. The way I see it, I’m going to get fucked up no matter what I do, so I might as well say what I want.
“You really are as stupid as you look.” The words fly out of my mouth before my brain has a chance to catch them.
“What the fuck did you say to me, you fucking faggot? You think you’re better than me?” He takes a few more steps toward me, not leaving me room to escape. Fuck it. I may as well earn the ass whooping I’m about to get.
“Yeah, I do think I’m better than you. If this is all you aspire to be, a wannabe thug, getting into trouble, doing time for petty crimes. You’re pathetic. You can’t even beat up a half starved gay kid by yourself, so you gotta have your buddies for backup.”
That does it. He moves faster than I anticipated, and I get a sucker punch to my jaw, then a kidney shot in quick secession. Falling to my knees, he kicks me in the stomach with what feels like steel-toed boots and forces my arm behind my back until my shoulder pops. Pain is screaming through my body, bruises instantly forming on my skin. Screaming while puking with a dislocated shoulder has me choking on vomit. My entire body is throbbing as the assault continues. A hand grabs my hair and slams my head into the metal dumpster, making lights dance behind my eyelids. Another kick to the head and I’m out cold…
A steady beeping is all I can hear and my head is pounding, so opening my eyes is not high on my priority list. There is no part of my body that doesn’t hurt in some form: aching, stabbing, and throbbing. It hurts to breathe. I can’t roll or shift without shooting pains stealing what little breath I have.
What the hell happened to me? Am I in a hospital? How long have I been here?
Thinking back to what I remember last, I remember the guys in my neighborhood cornering me in an alley behind Alister’s apartment building. They figured out I’m gay and I’m living in a better place, so I’m sure they will continue to fuck with me every chance they get. If they find a way inside, I’m sure they’ll stake it out, jump me in the hallway.
Slowly, my eyes open to slits. The first thing I see is my worst nightmare, Dan. How the fuck did he find me? The beeping on the machine next to me increases as my heart rate picks up.
A nurse comes in before a word is spoken between us. “Oh good, you’re awake!” She smiles at me, but my eyes don’t leave the wolf in sheep’s clothing standing at the end of my bed. At the computer, she goes over all my stats, checking my IV, and recording all my numbers. “How are you feeling?”
“Everything hurts.” My words are mumbled, my throat not wanting to work. I want pain meds to take the pain away, but I’m terrified of what he’ll do if I’m drugged up.
“On a scale of one to ten with ten being the worst pain you can imagine, how would you rate your pain right now?”
I close my eyes, leaning my head back against the plastic wrapped pillow, maybe he’s just a hallucination. “Everything hurts,” I repeat, my voice weaker than I expected. “My chest…hurts to breath…head is screaming…please, no lights.” Thinking past the pain is almost impossible. The lights are turned off and some of the pressure in my head lessons, a welcome relief follows.
“Thank you,” I mumble, my eyes still closed. Maybe Dan was just a nightmare…
“I’ll let the doctor know you’re awake, and he should be in to see you in just a few minutes.” The nurse’s steps are quiet on the tile as she leaves, the soft whoosh of the door closing behind her.
“You’re coming with me. Obviously, my lessons weren’t ingrained hard enough, so we’ll have to start again.” Malice drips from every word, bringing dread down heavy on my shoulders. I don’t have to open my eyes again to know he’s really here.
“How did you find me this time?” It hurts to talk, but I have to know.
The smile that comes over his face has ice flooding my veins. “I have friends in good places, and they keep me informed of your whereabouts. Did you really think I didn’t know where you were all this time?”
My body tightens as fear grabs hold of me. “I’m an adult. I don’t have to go anywhere
with you.” The words are a whisper but no less true.
“I am responsible for your upbringing, and I won’t have you out in public acting like some queer. You will do as you’re told or deal with the consequences.”
I know what the consequences will be. Since I’m already hurt, and my body can’t take much more, it’ll be starvation and hypothermia. I don’t have anyone to call to protect me from him, just like when I was ten years old, I’m once again at his mercy.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
ALISTER -
When I saw Ben with the Dean of Science and Engineering, my heart stopped. I thought for sure we were caught, and I was on my way to getting fired. I have to admit I was impressed with Ben’s story. It was quick thinking on his part, though it earned me a stern talking to about giving my office keys to a student.
I hurry home as soon as I’m done getting chastised since I have Ben’s keys. It’s cold outside, and I don’t want him to freeze. I notice some kind of commotion in the alley behind the building but ignore it. Sometimes homeless people camp out back there to try to stay out of the wind. Ben isn’t outside when I get to the door, but maybe one of the neighbors let him in since it’s cold and windy, someone may have recognized him over the last week. When the elevator opens on my floor, he’s not here either. Where the hell is he?
Unlocking the front door, I call his name, hoping by some miracle he’s here, but I get no response. Looking through the rooms, it’s obvious he hasn’t been here. Where would he have gone? Is he so afraid of meeting my parents he ran? He agreed to come, did I push him?
