by Paige Toon
‘It’s Nathan,’ I tell James.
‘What about him?’
‘I love him.’ I have to be honest. No more secrets. No more lies.
‘What? What?’
‘I’m sorry,’ I say again.
‘Lucy, what the hell—? I…No!’ He tries to take my hand, but I scrunch it up into a fist. ‘Lucy, no! Don’t do this…’ he pleads.
‘I’m sorry, James.’
‘Stop saying you’re fucking sorry!’ He’s shouting now.
But I remain unwaveringly calm.
‘Lucy, I love you. I love you! You can’t just give up on us, not after all these years. Please! We can work this out!’
‘No, James,’ I shake my head, ‘we can’t. You know it as much as I do. If we were meant to be together you wouldn’t be…shagging Zoe.’
‘What?’ He looks at me as though I’ve just suggested he chop off his hand and use it as a doorstop.
‘I know, James, I think I’ve always known. I just haven’t wanted to admit it to myself.’
‘Lucy, you’re fucking nuts, do you know that? I AM NOT SHAGGING ZOE!’
‘You can deny it all you like,’ I respond, still calm. ‘I know it’s true.’
He grabs his hair with his hands and pulls it so hard I’m terrified for a moment it might come out.
‘James, please stop,’ I beg him sadly. ‘It’s okay. It’s okay.’
‘No, it’s not bloody okay, Lucy! I love you, for fuck’s sake! I’m not shagging some silly bitch from work. I would never do that to you!’ he yells, in total exasperation.
On another day I might just believe him.
He flips open his phone.
‘What are you doing?’ I ask.
‘I’m calling Jeremy,’ he answers.
‘Why?’
‘I want him to tell us who sent that text.’
‘James, it’s okay, there’s no need.’
‘No, it’s not…Hi, Jeremy, it’s James. Look, buddy, I’ve got a bit of a problem. Yeah…Yeah. You know back in February when Lucy went to Australia? Well, someone sent her a text from my phone. It’s okay, it’s no big deal; I just need to know who it was.’
I wait patiently while he wheedles it out of Jeremy. Finally he hands the phone to me. I wave his hand away–I don’t want to speak to Jeremy–but James insists.
‘Hello?’
Jeremy explains that he barely remembers it now but one of the guys did indeed text me from James’s phone when he went to the bar to get a round in. They all had a great laugh about it, and the following week had a whale of a time MSN messaging each other about why James had never said anything. Maybe they’d sent it to the wrong Lucy? Tee bloody hee.
When he’s done telling me, I hang up and look at James’s expectant face.
‘It doesn’t mean anything.’
‘How can you say that?’ he demands.
‘You could’ve lined Jeremy up to do that just in case I ever asked. He would do that for you.’
‘That’s ridiculous! Is this about Zoe? Because I’ll call her too.’
‘Yeah, right, as though she’s going to admit to anything,’ I say sardonically.
His shoulders hunch as he looks at me, bewildered.
‘Lucy, you’ve just lost your dad, you’ve been confused since you got back from Sydney, you’re not yourself at the moment. And that bloody dickhead sticking his oar in hasn’t helped!’ he adds heatedly, then laughs cynically. ‘Has he stuck his oar in?’
‘No,’ I tell him truthfully.
‘Well, at least that’s something.’ He smiles wryly. ‘Baby, please. You don’t have to do this. We can’t just throw away four years. That…idiot will be gone soon and then what will you have? Nothing, Lucy, nothing. You will regret this, so much. Don’t do it, honey. Because once you go with him, I won’t take you back. I won’t!’ he insists fiercely.
‘And what about Zoe?’
‘What about her? Baby, you don’t really believe I’d do that to you, do you?’
‘Yes.’
‘What, so you think I’ve been going there and shagging her for weeks and you’ve just let me, have you?’ he asks sarcastically, throwing his hands up in the air. ‘Honey, that’s ludicrous. Why would you do that?’
‘Because it was the only way you’d let me see Nathan,’ I say simply.
He looks at me like I’ve just slapped him hard across the face. Then he gets up, puts his coat on, and leaves. I don’t try to stop him.
At some point in the middle of the night I wake up sleepily to find James’s arm around me. It feels nice, comforting, and I wriggle back against him without thinking. In the morning we’re still intertwined and I gently extricate myself. He opens his eyes and looks at me, blearily.
‘Baby,’ he pleads, trying to tenderly draw me back. His eyes are puffy and he looks like he’s been crying.
‘James, I can’t,’ I reply softly, and get out of bed. I go and wait in the living room in my dressing gown as he gets ready for work. I’m not going into Mandy Nim today.
James comes through half an hour later with his briefcase, looking smart in his suit. He kneels down in front of me, forcing me to look into his eyes and come face to face with the pain I’ve inflicted.
‘I haven’t given up on you,’ he tells me, reaching out to touch my cheek. I resist the urge to recoil. ‘I know you’re confused at the moment but don’t do anything silly. I love you, baby. And it’s going to be okay.’ He leans forward and kisses me lovingly on my forehead and then, tears welling up in his eyes, he walks out.
I stay sitting on the sofa in my dressing gown for over two hours. It’s my mum who eventually snaps me out of it.
‘Lucy,’ she says down the phone, ‘they said you were ill at the office. What’s wrong?’
‘It’s all such a mess, Mum.’
She listens while I fill her in, begging her not to say, ‘I told you so.’
‘So what’s your plan, now?’ she asks eventually. ‘You’ve almost got rid of your boyfriend, next it’ll be your flat and after that your job, the way you’re going. That’ll make it easier for you to go back to Australia and leave everything behind, won’t it? Because you won’t have much to leave if you carry on the way you’re going!’
‘Mum!’ I exclaim, but she’s unrelenting.
‘Look, I just want you to be realistic. It’s a major thing to leave your whole life behind and start again from scratch in another country. I know that from bitter experience.’
‘But, Mum, this is not about you,’ I say sadly.
‘Oh, Lucy. Of course it’s about me. It’s about us, our family. We don’t want you to leave England! I know you’re confused but you mustn’t make a decision like this too hastily. Just, please, buck yourself up and get back to work. Don’t get yourself fired as well.’
What am I doing? I’m so used to my mum being the voice of reason; am I really making a huge mistake?
I take a shower, turning the hot water to cool after a minute to try to blast my senses back into action. Then I phone the office to say I’m coming in at lunchtime. Mum’s right; I have been taking the piss at work recently. Mandy demands such high standards and doesn’t approve of her staff’s personal lives coming between them and their performance at work. She’s given me so many incredible opportunities and recently I’ve been throwing her job back in her face. Fair enough that I’ve had time off for my father’s funeral, but she wouldn’t consider my behaviour regarding Nathan and James to be acceptable.
Before I leave, I go to my bedside table and pull the drawer open, my eyes falling on the black velvet box with my diamond necklace inside. I open it up and look at the glittering solitaire.
Oh, James…Do I really believe he’s been sleeping with Zoe? I remember the hurt on his face last night and this morning. He’s been my love for four years and I’m just going to walk away from him like this? Nathan’s going home in little over a fortnight. What am I going to do then?
The memory of Nathan kiss
ing me up against the wall slams into my mind and I feel dizzy. Would I really choose two and a half blissful weeks with him over a potential lifetime with James?
In a heartbeat.
Chapter 26
‘Hey!’ Chloe and Gemma smile as I approach my desk. ‘What’s up with you?’ Gemma asks.
‘Last night I snogged Nathan and broke up with James.’
‘NO!’ they both scream.
‘Shhh!’ I warn, looking around to check Mandy’s not in earshot.
‘Tell us what happened!’ Chloe insists. I fill them in while they listen, flabbergasted.
‘Shit,’ Gemma gasps.
‘Have you really finished with James? Really, really?’ Chloe asks, wide-eyed.
‘Look,’ I say matter-of-factly, ‘I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Nathan since I went to Sydney earlier this year. I love him. I have to be with him. Whatever the cost.’
They sit there for a quiet moment, then Chloe speaks gently. ‘But, Lucy, James does have a point, don’t you think? Once you’ve shagged Nathan you can never reverse it. I know that’s what you want right now, but soon he’ll be gone and then you’ll be well and truly screwed. James is a great guy and, for what it’s worth, I don’t believe he’s cheating on you with Zoe.’
‘Don’t you?’ I ask surprised. I thought she and Gemma were swayed by the time Gemma saw him with Zoe on Primrose Hill. And again when he went to her house on fireworks’ night.
‘No, I don’t,’ she insists.
Great. Now I’m even more confused, and I didn’t think that was possible.
‘Lucy, have you got a minute?’ Mandy calls to me. I’m tense as I follow her through to the meeting room and she closes the door behind me.
‘Is everything alright with you? You haven’t been yourself at work recently,’ she says, once we’re seated.
‘My dad…’ I stutter.
She eyes me searchingly. She’s not stupid. She knows there’s something else.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘I know I’ve been distracted for some time now.’
‘Do you want to talk about it?’
I shake my head, then change my mind. I’m so confused. Will one more opinion really make a difference? I do respect my boss enormously. She’s a strong, independent, successful woman; someone I look up to. Bugger it! I’d really value her advice.
‘It’s personal. I know you don’t like that stuff being brought into the office…’
‘Don’t worry about that,’ she encourages me to go on.
‘I’m in love with two men.’ There. I’ve said it. It’s out in the open.
‘Aah…’ She nods. ‘Complicated.’ She pushes her chair out from the table and stands up. I remain seated as she goes over to the window and folds her arms, looking down the road towards Soho Square.
‘You’re not alone in this sort of dilemma, you know, Lucy.’
I look at her in surprise. We all know from the PR article we read about her last year that Mandy has been married twice and now lives with a man in west London, but she never talks about her personal life. She looks back at me, wryly.
‘You might very well make the wrong decision and fuck everything up…’ I’ve never heard Mandy swear before. ‘But I’ve always been one for following my gut instincts.’
I’m all ears. This is a side to my boss I’ve never seen. She continues.
‘You could stay within your comfort zone and speculate about whether the grass would have been greener for the rest of your life. Or you could say bollocks to it, and go with what’s here…’ She presses her hand to her chest and looks at me intently. ‘And it may not seem like the obvious decision to everyone else, and it may be traumatic and complex and utterly terrifying, but you’re not one to play it safe, Lucy. I don’t think so, anyway. That’s why you’re my Number One PR girl.’
Mandy’s candour and her unexpected compliment make me feel more at ease with her at this moment than I’ve felt at any time in the four years I’ve worked here. Funny how the best advice I’ve received so far has come from such an unlikely source.
‘So, did you make the right decision?’ I ask her directly.
‘I still don’t know.’ She smiles. ‘But hey, I’m optimistic.’
I get home that night to find James already there.
‘Have you seen him?’ he asks wretchedly, coming over to me at the door the moment I walk in.
‘No,’ I tell him.
‘Thank God. I feel so sick, Lucy. I had to come home early. Please don’t see him. Please.’ He tries to draw me to him but I step back. Then he starts to cry and it’s heart-wrenching.
‘James, don’t cry!’ I plead. He wraps his arms around me and his whole body shakes. I hate myself.
Eventually he pulls away.
‘Look, Lucy, all I’m asking is that you come home with me for Christmas so we can have some time together and talk this through,’ he implores. ‘I love you,’ he tells me forcefully.
‘I love you too,’ I reply sorrowfully, and feel tormented by the look of hope in his eyes when I say it, because I go on to add, ‘but I don’t think it’s enough.’
‘It is enough, baby. We’ll make it work. Just come home with me for Christmas.’
Mum, Chloe, Gemma…They all think I’m making a mistake not giving us this one last chance. What about Mandy? What about me playing it safe?
But she doesn’t know all the details. She doesn’t know about Nathan going back to Australia, or what the future could possibly hold for us. In fact, it’s ironic that she unknowingly risked losing her ‘Number One PR girl’ to a country on the other side of the world.
But I can’t leave England for Australia. Not yet, anyway. I’m not ready to give up my job, my friends, my flat. Our flat. I will have to give it up if I leave James.
Maybe Mum and my friends are right. Maybe I am rushing things.
The thought of Christmas at Nathan’s dirty house in Archway with his chain-smoking flatmates actually makes me feel a little depressed. But all the trains to Somerset will be full by now so I won’t be able to get home to my family. James and I booked our train tickets to Maidstone in Kent to see his parents weeks ago.
I look at James’s hopeful face. ‘Okay,’ I agree, and he crushes the breath out of me as he squeezes me tightly.
‘Thank you. Thank you,’ he sniffs into my hair.
I feel sick.
Later that night I tell James I’m going out for a walk. I want to call Nathan and I can’t do that from the house. But James guesses what I’m up to and begs me not to go. He looks so distraught and I can’t bear to see his anguish so I stay with him, accepting I’ll have to call Nathan the next day from work. In the end I busy myself packing a bag to take to James’s parents for Christmas, but I can’t shake the uneasiness I feel.
James tries to make love to me that night. I tell him no, so he holds me tightly as we fall asleep instead. It’s suffocating.
‘Will you come and meet me later?’ he asks the following morning. It’s the Friday before Christmas and he’s having his work drinks that night. ‘I don’t have to go, though,’ he says. ‘If you don’t want me to, I won’t.’
‘No, it’s okay.’ I smile, uncomfortable with how accommodating he’s being. ‘I’ll come and meet you later with Chloe.’
He pulls me in for another hug and I feel utterly helpless and out of control.
I decide to walk to work and as soon as I cross over busy Marylebone Road and get onto the quieter streets, I’m dialling Nathan’s mobile.
‘Hi,’ he says warmly.
I can’t believe I’m doing this. ‘Nathan…’ I start.
‘You’re not breaking up with him, are you?’ he asks sadly. My eyes fill with tears and I try to choke back the golf ball that seems to have lodged itself in my throat. I make my way into Paddington Green Gardens, past the white statue of a little boy looking lost and forlorn, and take a seat on one of the benches.
‘I…don’t know…’ I dig around in
my coat pocket for a tissue.
‘Lucy, it’s okay,’ he says. ‘I understand.’
‘Do you?’ I ask. ‘Because I don’t. I don’t know what I’m doing!’ A woman in a business suit walks past and eyes me cautiously.
‘Yes,’ he says. ‘I do.’
Neither of us speaks for a moment and I just sit there with the phone to my ear as tears silently track mascara down my face.
‘Molly’s pregnant,’ he says quietly after a while.
‘Is she?’ I gasp. ‘That’s brilliant!’ I’m suddenly elated.
‘You can’t tell her you know, yet. She’s not quite twelve weeks gone, but Sam couldn’t keep it to himself. You’ll have to act surprised when she calls. Sorry if that makes it awkward for you.’
‘It’s okay. I’m so happy for them!’
‘Yeah.’ He pauses. ‘But it’s another reason why I have to go back.’
Something inside me dies as I realise this is it. I’ve lost him. Even though I told James I would go home with him for Christmas, I didn’t really believe that was my fate. Now reality sinks in.
James is my future. His parents will one day be my in-laws, and I see years and years of Christmases spanning out ahead of us, juggling our affections between Kent and Somerset and, finally, our home when we have a family of our own. Oh, God. I don’t know if I can bear it.
‘Will you stay in touch?’ I ask eventually, still trying to swallow the lump in my throat that seems to have doubled in size.
‘Of course.’
Both of us know we can never have what we had. And that wasn’t much, but it was enough. I know I’ll always have him in my life, through Molly and Sam, but the thought of the future, hearing about him settling down with another girl, getting married and having children with her…I start to sob soundlessly.
‘Lucy,’ Nathan says. ‘I’ll always care about you.’ His voice breaks and it makes me cry harder. ‘Call me if you ever need anything, okay?’ He’s fighting back tears and I know I have to let him go. I want to tell him I love him but the words won’t come. My breathing slows and becomes more regular.
‘Okay,’ I answer. ‘Speak soon.’
