by S. K. Perry
22
We explored each other for almost five years. We opened up all the bits of each other we were too scared to show anyone else. I climbed into your mouth and listened to you whisper. We held each other out and decided the space between us was only there so we could make it disappear. You let me fly in your arms and I let you hold me. You were in every dream I had about the future; all the things my body can do were meant to be with you. I don’t know how we go back to the beginning and start that again with someone else. I don’t know how to split myself open for another person when all they’ll be able to see is that I’m broken and grieving.
Danny has texted me but I haven’t opened the message yet. I don’t know if I’m ready to try.
23
I look around for the bus stop but I can’t find it so I ask someone in pale-green overalls who’s standing near me where it is. They point it out and I go and wait. As the bus to York station pulls away and I start my journey back to London, I text Frank: Back on the bike. Should you need me to sing at your bedside anytime soon I’m available. Other locations preferred but hospitals tolerated.
He replied: Super news. Feeling much better this end. Come back soon. Harris misses you.
24
My brother was born early. He’d had to live in an incubator for four weeks and when Mum was pregnant with me she’d told my dad she wasn’t going to let me out unless they’d be able to take me home straight away. I was born on the exact day I was due and I came out with hiccups. Rob had been told he was going to have a new brother or sister and that when I was born he’d be allowed to choose which way round my first name and middle name went. When he came to visit me in the hospital just after I was born, he told Mum and Dad I should be allowed an extra name for being on time. They’d asked him what he thought it should be and he’d said Holly, and they’d decided they liked that more than Jennie or Emma so they’d called me that.
When we were little Mum and Dad used to take us to Brighton on day trips and we’d walk along the prom from Marrocco’s cafe to the pier and back. Rob would bring a clipboard and a pen and we’d walk ahead of them, weaving in and out of the beach huts. It was always a bit of a squeeze getting in between them, which made us feel adventurous, and Rob would describe each one to me in detail as we went, writing down my comments on a bit of paper tucked into the clipboard. When we got to the end of the row I would decide which of the beach huts I wanted to live in; we’d consult our notes, shake hands and the game would be done.
When I turned sixteen, Rob had told me the only thing he needed to teach me as my wise older brother was that when I got drunk I should take two paracetamol, eat two slices of bread and drink two pints of water before I went to bed. He said if I did that I’d never have a hangover.
The first time I got really smashed he was home on holiday from his first year at university. I’d been out at a party and I’d got home alright but when I was in our hall I phoned him in his room asking him to come down and help me. He got me up the stairs and into my bed and went and found me water, bread and painkillers.
In the morning I went into his room a bit worse for wear and we sat in his bed watching Neighbours, him laughing at me for being able to make it home but not being able to get myself up the stairs.
When Rob and his girlfriend got a place together I imagined them doing the beach-hut thing, following estate agents around flats and making notes on a clipboard. I’d told Rob on Skype and he’d laughed at me.
When they’d moved in I was in my last year at university and he’d used the laptop to show me round. I’d felt weird about how grown-up he’d got but then the next day he’d texted me because he couldn’t remember how to make macaroni cheese.
25
I sleep on the train back to London and dream of red ants growing on trees instead of blossom. At King’s Cross I take the tube back to Victoria where I meet Mum and Dad for dinner. They give me an Easter egg and a hug.
‘How was the trip, Hols?’
‘Weird. Good weird, I guess. Made me miss a whole load of people I haven’t seen in a while.’
‘We missed you too.’
‘It’s only been a week, Mum!’ I laugh at her but I take her arm as we walk around the corner and give it a squeeze. I know she’s worried about me disappearing again. I am too, but I feel like I’m here at the minute.
We cross the road past Wicked and Billy Elliot. Dad tells me Rob’s coming to meet us too; he’s got some news he wants to tell me in person.
It’s raining but only a bit. The edges of the road are filled with grey sludge where the wheels of buses and bikes have ground the city’s muck into rainwater. It creeps up round the edges of my brown boots and I wish I was wearing something colourful.
Rob arrives at the restaurant just after we’ve got to our table and we all get up to say hi.
‘Happy Easter, Rob.’
‘Yeah, you too. How you doing?’
We sit down and I look at them.
‘So, what’s the big news? These two said you had something exciting to tell me.’
He looks at Dad who sort of shrugs his shoulders and smiles. Rob fiddles with his napkin and looks back at me. He’s smiling but his fingers rub together through the white material.
‘Well,’ he says, ‘I’m getting married. I asked Lucy yesterday and she said yes.’
‘What? That’s amazing!’
We all start laughing and I jump up to hug him and knock over a vase on our table.
‘Where is she? Why didn’t she come?’
‘I wanted to tell you by myself. I knew you’d be pleased but I just thought…She’s coming in a bit though, if that’s OK.’
‘Yeah of course! Rob, this is so exciting.’
We sit down again and me and Mum try to stand the flower up at the same time so we both knock it back over, which sets us all off again.
When we stop laughing Rob looks at me a bit funny and goes to say something. I know what he means and I say, ‘Don’t. I’m pleased. I’m so pleased. It’s my favourite thing that’s happened all year. Maybe ever.’
I am happy, just not as much as I want to be. I feel a bit dull and tired, but he’s smiling so much I smile back. Dad orders prosecco and when Lucy gets there we do it again: the hugging and the laughing. She sits next to me and we order pasta; it comes and we eat it. There’s a CD of an Italian folk band playing in the background and the waiter tells us that they sell it for a fiver. I buy a copy and give it to Rob and Lucy with the flower from the vase. As we leave she asks me if I’ll be her bridesmaid and we hug and laugh again. Everyone else looks so shiny and I don’t want them to notice I’m fading away.
Later that night I get the train back to Brighton. I walk home from the station holding my Easter egg. The wind smells of spring and the moist air above the sea is full of stars, posted there like thoughts.
I’m happy for my brother, but the idea of love that lasts forever hangs in the air around me. It blocks up my throat like offal.
26
That Wednesday I have plans to go round Frank’s house to learn how to make a Swiss roll. When I get there he tells me he doesn’t feel like cooking and asks if I want to go to the greyhound races instead. We drive over to the stadium in Hove leaving Harris at home, and walk down to the track to sit and look at the line-up.
Frank looks better but a bit older round the edges of his eyes. It surprises me when I say I’m hungry and there’s a bag of toffees already in my pocket.
‘Does your magic extend to predicting the outcome of greyhound races?’ I say.
‘Oh no, magic has no capacity to help me cheat.’
I laugh at him because I’ve watched him play cards so I know this isn’t true. He gives me a little wink and nicks a toffee. I notice his shoelace is undone and I tell him. He looks down and shakes his foot for a bit. When he puts it down again the laces are re-tied.
‘You’re incredible.’
Frank’s policy is to bet £1 on every race on the dog with
the best name. We stand by the finish line and shout encouragement, going completely berserk when – in the third race – our dog comes second and we nearly win £1.50.
In the last race of the day we put £5 on Brute McGee with odds of 25:1.
‘Brute McGee sounds like a winning name; we can’t go wrong with that.’
‘If Brute comes first we’ll win £130, Frank. This may be a sign we have in fact gone wrong.’
We laugh and stand there waiting for the starting gun. Brute starts slowly but in the second half of the lap he accelerates and begins closing in on the dogs at the front. Frank and I look at each other and start yelling. We watch as Brute finishes neck and neck with the dog who’s been ahead. It’s a photo finish and Brute just loses out.
We pick up a curry on our way home and sit in Frank’s kitchen together eating it and reflecting on the fortune we very nearly made.
‘What are you up to tonight, Holly? Out on the razzle?
‘It’s quiz night.’
‘Of course! A second chance in one day to make your fortune.’
I need to have a shower after the races so I arrive late to the quiz. I can see on the scoreboard that our team are doing well. It looks like we’re in about third or fourth place, and I arrive just as the picture round’s being handed out. I see them in the corner of the room and walk over. Ellie and Mira are sitting round one side of the table, immersed in their conversation and not really paying attention.
As I arrive at the table they look up and Ellie asks, ‘Do you have a contract on the room that you stay in? How long have you paid to be there for?’
‘I don’t know,’ I reply. ‘I think I just have to give a month’s notice. It’s all pretty casual because it’s basically just a room in the loft. Why?’
‘It turns out my housemates were shagging and now they’ve broken up and want to move out,’ Mira says. ‘One of them’s going to London and the other one says she doesn’t want to stay anywhere he used to live. It’s a bit of a joke to be honest but I was wondering if you two might want to move in.’
‘I was just saying I wasn’t sure if you’d want to because I didn’t know how much longer you were planning to stay down here,’ Ellie says. ‘But if you do, I think it’d be great.’
‘Oh my God, yeah – I mean we’d have to talk about rent and stuff – but that’d be amazing.’
Sean pours a glass of wine and pushes it towards me, pulling out a seat for me to sit down.
‘Holly, now you’re finally here perhaps you could persuade these two to stop nattering and help us answer some of these questions.’
We all laugh and Ellie and Mira turn to the pictures but I stay standing. I haven’t seen Danny since the night before I’d gone to York and I’ve been avoiding all of his messages. He doesn’t make eye contact with me so I put a hand on his shoulder.
‘I’m just going to have a cigarette first actually. Danny, will you come with me?’
Danny doesn’t smoke so the others keep looking at the pictures and pretend it’s a normal request. I don’t know if Danny’s told anyone other than Ellie what happened but I imagine they have a fair idea of what’s gone on. He stands up and raises his eyebrows at me. I can tell he’s annoyed I’ve been so obvious but he can’t say no without making a scene. I turn around and walk out and he follows me onto the street. We stand there while I light up and I shuffle about a bit with my feet, pretending to need to get warm.
27
J’ai peur que tu disparaisses comme un souffle dans l’air. Je ne veux pas que tu sois triste. Je ne peux pas toujours porter cette culpabilité, comme de mauvaises herbes enchevêtrées autour de mes poignets qui m’immobilisent par terre.
28
‘Ellie said you went to the dogs,’ Danny says.
‘Yeah.’
‘Did you win anything?’
‘No. Nearly though.’
‘Right.’
I chew on my bottom lip and am aware of a burn on the tip of my tongue. I wonder where it came from and think it must have been from dinner. It’s been a while since I held heat in my mouth until it blistered. After a pause Danny says, ‘Margaret Thatcher died today.’
‘Yeah, I saw on the news. That’s not really what I wanted to talk about though.’
He doesn’t say anything so I stall. ‘How was your day?’
‘It was alright. I went to work. We have a big party coming up at the label so I was just doing some prep for that really. Flyers and things.’
‘Cool.’
‘It was fine.’
An aeroplane flies overhead and a couple walk out of the pub arguing. They retreat down the road and she swings her handbag at him, narrowly missing his head. As they move in and out of the light cast by successive street lamps their fight is lit up in short bursts, their silhouettes splayed like shadow puppets. I look at Danny but he doesn’t seem to find it funny or even really notice, and I can feel my stomach go around faster.
‘Look, Danny –’
He turns to face me and I can’t think of what to say. I notice that his upper lip has a little cut on it from where he must have nicked himself shaving. I try again.
‘I wanted to say sorry about everything these last couple of weeks. It’s just –’
I let out a little bit of air: I’m talking without breathing out. ‘I feel weird that I haven’t seen you.’
He looks blank, using his eyes to look past me or something.
‘We don’t have to talk about it, Holly; everything’s fine. I just got the wrong end of the stick. We were spending a lot of time together and then that night when we kissed and you stayed; I thought you liked me. I guess I was just being stupid or something –’
‘You weren’t being stupid, I do like you. It’s just I went to stay with Sam’s family the next day and it was the first time I’d seen them and I’m confused. And then I didn’t reply to your messages and I haven’t seen you and now I just feel like it’s got weird and I really didn’t want that to happen.’
I tug at the bottom of my coat, pulling on the zip.
‘But what do you want, Holly? I don’t think you really know and it makes things pretty difficult for me.’
29
Tu es le cerf-volant maintenant qui s’enfuit dans le vent comme un souffle dans l’air. Je ne sais pas comment rester par terre accrochée à toi, j’essaie de ne pas te lâcher. Nous nous évanouissons.
30
I know that Danny isn’t angry but it feels like this is a conversation he’s been trying to avoid having with me for a long time. He looks at me like now we’re having it and I’m right because you don’t know what you want to say, and I want to say I’m sorry but I also want to kiss him and I’m finding that really confusing.
He says, ‘Let’s just go back in and do the quiz, shall we?’
And I say, ‘Yeah, I guess so.’
But neither of us goes back inside and I look at him and he takes a step towards me and puts his hands on my shoulders and I lift up my face and sort of squint at him. We stand like that for a while and we both kind of frown at each other and he looks like he’s waiting for something. I close my eyes and he kisses me. It goes on for a while, slightly fiercer than the last time but then he takes my hand and it’s gentle again. He is so still and I want to climb inside that and rest with him.
We don’t say anything else; we just go back inside. We come second in the quiz to the team who have their own T-shirts. They beat us by three points.
31
On Sunday Gabriella tells me Frank has missed his first follow-up appointment with the doctor. He’d told her he was fine and that there was no need for him to go back. She’d made him book another slot and was planning on going with him.
I’m sitting with him one evening, eating apple crumble, when he turns to me and says, ‘Not sure I trust doctors. What do you reckon?’
I think about it.
‘I think probably best to, yeah.’
He nods and offers me a jug of cream.
/> ‘You’re probably right. But I’m not as young as you are so – for me – doctors pose a slight threat. They might decide to tell me I’m dying.’
I look at him.
‘You’re not dying, Frank.’
‘No, you’re quite right. Let’s just hope the doctors are as sensible as you, eh? Don’t you want some cream?’
‘I’m more of a custard kind of girl.’
He nods and moves his hand over the jug and the sauce goes yellow. I shake my head at him in disbelief.
‘If the doctors can’t keep you going then the rest of us have no chance at all.’
I pour the custard over my crumble and keep eating.
32
I’m due to move in with Mira and Ellie in mid-May, but I’m worried about money because I know the summer holiday will mean less work. I flick through the newspapers, circling adverts for childcare or cleaning agencies. I register with a couple of recruitment agencies too. They ask me what I’m looking for, and I say I don’t really know. I tell them I want to stay in Brighton and would try most things.
I do want to stay. This feels strange when there are so many things I miss. I talk to Frank about it at the book club. He says, ‘I asked a taxi driver to take me home once. He asked, “Where’s home?” and I told him it’s a person, not a place; anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. I gave him my address and said that home was waiting for me there.’
‘I’m a nomad,’ I say.
‘You have some beautiful options,’ he replies. ‘Love won’t always feel so far away.’
Noel tells me they’re looking for a youth-outreach officer at Kew Gardens and I should apply. I send the application off that weekend but I don’t even get an interview.
I don’t really know much about plants so I’m not that surprised. I know what it feels like to grow though, how it feels to dig out weeds and look for the sun.
After the meeting Danny walks me home. We kiss a bit in the porch of the church next to my house. I’m scared to ask him inside. I don’t know how to deal with wanting Danny at the same time as I want you.
