He knew me too well. He saw me.
It was painful, like the desert sun on skin already burned and blistered.
I didn’t sleep at all.
Thirty-Four
MAXIM
Days went by.
I fixed up my apartment. I worked long hours. I invested in an old laptop I found for sale on Craigslist. I researched immigration law.
I enrolled in an online English class I could afford. I inherited a bicycle that needed work from a regular at The Blind Pig and repaired it, so I wouldn’t have to pay for the bus all the time.
And I missed Derek every fucking minute.
I tried to put on a smile at work, but it was hard. Finally, a week after Derek had left me in pieces in the basement at work, Ellen approached me toward the end of a shift.
“Come on, my friend. We’re checking out early and we’re going to get a drink somewhere. I’ve had all I can take of this miserable silence.”
I didn’t have it in me to argue. And I needed a friend.
We walked down the street to another bar, and slid onto stools next to each other. She ordered a glass of wine, and I asked for a beer, and while we waited for it, she propped an elbow on the bar and he chin in her hand.
“Spill it.”
“Spill it?”
She nodded. “Spill it. It means talk. Tell me what’s bothering you.”
I shook my head. “I can’t. It would mean betraying a confidence.”
“Okay, then I’ll guess.” She put her hands in her lap and sat up taller. “This is about you and my brother. You have feelings for each other. He’s being stubborn and won’t admit it, so you had to walk away.”
My eyes went wide. “That’s a little creepy, even for me.”
She smiled briefly. “I’m good.” Then she sobered again. “But this is not good. Tell me how you feel about it.”
I struggled with the decision. If I was honest with her, it meant outing Derek, and that wasn’t my place.
“If you’re worried about telling me Derek is gay, or at least gay where you’re concerned, you can forget it. He’s made that really fucking obvious all by himself.”
“He has?”
She rolled her eyes. “Yes! You know I had my suspicions anyway, and then that night at dinner at his house, there was just this…vibe in the room. I could see it between you. Then he broke it off with Carolyn. Then he’s coming up here all the time, and it sure as heck wasn’t to see his sister.” She laughed, shaking her head. “The way his face lit up when he saw you made it pretty obvious. His aura was totally changed. Then there was the romantic weekend in Laguna Beach. I’m not sure what about that plan he thought said ‘I’m totally straight, nothing to see here,’ but that pretty much confirmed it, if I’d had any remaining doubt.”
All I could do was stare at her.
“Maxim, I think it’s wonderful.” She smiled, putting a hand on my arm. “Really.”
Our drinks arrived, and I took a long pull on my beer. “He doesn’t.”
“What happened? Can I ask?”
I was in desperate need of a sympathetic ear but wanted to be careful. “After the weekend away, I was ready to be more open. He wasn’t.”
“Give him time. He’s so stubborn, Maxim, always has been. And this is a huge thing for him. I told you how we grew up—he’s fighting all those demons.”
I nodded. “I get it. But I don’t think he really wants to win that fight. He’s hoping it goes away.”
She sighed and took a sip of her wine. “It isn’t going to.”
I lifted the bottle to my lips again rather than answer.
“So now what? Have you even spoken since you moved into your apartment? What about that night he came barging in here needing to see you?”
“That was the day I moved out. He…didn’t want me to go.”
“But he didn’t want you to stay?”
“No, he did. But in secret. I couldn’t do that to myself.” The rest of what we’d said, I kept to myself. Some things were too private and painful to share.
“No, nor should you. God, he drives me crazy sometimes. Is he worried about our parents?”
I nodded. “Among other things.”
“I hope he’s not worried about me.” She touched her chest. “I think it’s fucking perfect. And our brother David would too. We never bought into all that sin bullshit.”
“I think Derek did,” I said quietly.
She nodded and drank more wine. “In a way, yes. But part of me thinks it was more about pleasing the adults in his life. He bought in because it was expected of him.”
“Maybe.”
“I mean, there’s a lot of things wrong in this world. Terrible, cruel people. Abuse and injustice. For God’s sake, this is love. Some part of Derek must see that.”
“I wish he did.”
“And my dad is tough on him, even to this day, but part of me thinks my dad would appreciate that he’d raised a man strong enough to stand up for himself and what he wanted.”
I shrugged. I’d never met their dad, and I probably never would, so what did I know?
She put her hand on my arm again. “I’m sorry, Maxim. I wish I knew how to make it better.”
“It’s okay. There’s nothing either of us can do. It’s Derek’s choice.”
“Maybe he’ll still make the right one,” she said hopefully.
“I don’t know. I think his beliefs are too deeply ingrained. And please don’t say anything to him.” Suddenly I remembered what Derek had said about her inability to keep a secret.
“I won’t,” she assured me. “Even if he comes to me, I won’t tell him we talked. You’re safe.”
“Thank you. And thanks for listening.”
“Thank you for trusting me.” She tipped her head onto my shoulder. “I’ll be praying for you. To the gods, the goddesses, the universe, and anyone else who will listen.”
I laughed a little, but deep in my heart, I felt it was hopeless. The longer we went without talking, the more convinced I became that Derek had been able to move on.
“Have you seen him?” I asked, trying not to sound too emotional.
“No, I haven’t.” She picked up her head and looked at me. “I think he’s holed up at home, alone and miserable. He hasn’t even called me.”
It only made me feel worse.
Thirty-Five
DEREK
I wasn’t sleeping. I barely ate. I skipped the gym practically every other day. I had no energy, and everything depressed me.
My house was too quiet. My bed too empty. My life too lonely.
What was he thinking? How was he doing? Was he working a lot? Did he like his new apartment? Did he miss me at night the way I missed him?
After ten days of this torture, I found myself talking to strangers at the grocery store just for human connection. I knew I could have called Gage or Ellen, but I didn’t trust myself not to blurt the truth and melt into a pathetic puddle of shame and humiliation for what I’d done.
Finally, I broke down and went into The Blind Pig on my way home from work one Friday night. I hadn’t seen Maxim in almost two weeks, and my hands shook as I pushed open the door. Had it really only been a month since I’d come in here to pick him up? So much had changed since then. I wasn’t the same person at all.
So why are you trying to act like it?
I pushed the voice aside and walked to the bar, careful to appear cool and casual. I didn’t look around for him until I’d ordered a beer and counted to twenty. Then I let myself glance around, as if I wanted to see what was new here.
He was wiping down a high-top table behind me, and I couldn’t tell if he’d seen me yet. I whipped my head around and focused on my beer again. My heart thundered in my chest, and I felt short of breath.
“Hey, stranger.” Ellen appeared behind the bar and grinned at me. “Haven’t seen you in forever. Been busy?”
“Yeah.” I ran a hand through my hair. “Work stuff. Lots of work stuff
.”
“Dad running you ragged?”
“Something like that.” I dragged on the beer bottle, sucking it down.
“Well, it’s good to see you. Can I get you something to eat?”
I wasn’t hungry in the slightest, but it would give me a reason to sit there. “Sure. Bring me whatever.”
She sighed. “One whatever, coming right up.”
As soon as she disappeared behind the kitchen door, I looked for Maxim again, but he wasn’t behind me anymore. Scanning the room again, I found him in a far corner, loading empty glasses onto a tray. When he brought them behind the bar, he spotted me.
I smiled before I could help myself. My throat was dry. My chest was tight. He’d gotten a haircut, and it looked fantastic. And those eyes—how could I have forgotten how blue they were? His hands, fuck I missed his hands. I missed everything.
By contrast, he did not look happy to see me. He washed the glasses with a stony look on his face, and then came over to me. “Derek.”
“Maxim.” I held out my hand, and he shook it across the bar. “Good to see you.”
He nodded shortly. “You too.”
“Got a minute to talk outside?” Fuck. What was I doing?
“Not really.”
“Oh. Well, how are things going?”
“Fine.”
“Like your new place?”
“Yeah.”
“And the job is still good?”
“Yeah.”
This was not going smoothly. If I could just get him alone… “What time are you off tonight? I thought maybe we could catch up a little. Want to come by the house?” I didn’t even care if anyone heard me.
“Sorry. I can’t.”
I frowned. It had taken a lot for me to come in here tonight, and to ask him to come over when any number of people around me could have heard. Why did he have to be so stubborn?
We stared at each other for a long, tense moment before he spoke. “I have to get back to work.”
“Okay. See you.” I gripped the beer bottle so hard I was surprised it didn’t shatter.
When Ellen brought my food a little later, I asked how he’d seemed the last couple weeks.
“Fine, just fine,” she said airily before walking away.
It pissed me off. How could he be fine? Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him smiling at someone at the end of the bar. Leaning way out of my seat to see who it was, I felt fire shoot through my veins when I saw it was another guy. Tall, dark hair, bearded, thin but muscular. Obviously attracted to Maxim, judging by the way he touched his arm and laughed at something he’d said.
I fumed, my nostrils flaring. It was one thing to watch women flirt with him, but it was another thing altogether when a man did it. I wanted to break that guy’s hand for touching Maxim.
I turned my attention back to my plate and ate, but I couldn’t have even told you what it was.
I’d never been so miserable. Had I fucked everything up? What if I’d made a mistake?
I needed to talk to someone, but who?
The next day was Saturday, and after a grueling workout at the gym, I came home, showered, and went out for breakfast. I hated eating alone in my kitchen now. Sitting by myself at a table for two, I ordered eggs, bacon, and potatoes, and tried not to feel sad about the empty chair across from me. Two women passed by my table on their way to the door, and one of them stopped.
“Hey, Derek.”
I looked up and saw Carolyn. “Oh, hi.”
“Here by yourself?”
“Yeah.” I must have looked pretty downhearted about it, because her brow wrinkled with concern.
“Want some company?”
I shrugged. “Sure.”
“Give me one second. I was just leaving, so let me say goodbye to my friend.” She patted my arm. “Be right back.”
A moment later, she returned and ordered a cup of coffee. “So catch me up with you. What’s going on?”
I studied her for a moment. She looked pretty, no makeup on, hair in a ponytail, relaxed and happy. I envied her. “Let’s talk about you first. What’s new?”
She chatted about her marathon training, her new niece, her job, and then she blushed, a girlish smile brightening her face. “And I met someone.”
“You did?” My food had arrived and I paused with my fork halfway to my eggs. “That’s great.”
“He is great,” she gushed. “He’s a runner too, and we met at the shoe store. He just moved down from San Francisco. We have such a good time together.”
“Wow.” I poked at my potatoes. “I’m really glad to hear that.”
“Thanks. I have a good feeling about him. But enough about me.” She waved a hand in the air. “What about you? How’s work? How’s life? You look a little down.”
I lifted my shoulders, terrified of opening my mouth.
“Derek, what is it?” She took a sip from her coffee, then set down the mug and touched my hand. “Look, I know things didn’t go the right way for us, but I’d like to be friends. And I’m a really good listener. If you—”
“You were right,” I blurted. “About me. And Maxim. You were right.”
Her mouth fell open. “I was?”
“Yes.”
She took it in, eventually nodding. “Okay. Well. That explains some things.”
I closed my eyes and exhaled, then felt her hand on my wrist. “Hey, I don’t mean that in a bad way. It’s more of a relief for me. I could not figure out what I was doing wrong.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I knew that, rationally.” She gave me a shy smile. “But women fret about these things. I’m very happy to hear it wasn’t something I did or didn’t do.”
“It wasn’t,” I assured her.
“So what’s the problem?” She picked up her coffee again. “He doesn’t have the same feelings?”
“No. He does,” I said glumly.
She blinked at me. “So…you should be together. Try it out.”
“It’s not that simple,” I said irritably. “I can’t just suddenly be gay. What would people think?”
“Fuck people!” The outburst was surprising, coming from her. “If they’re not happy for you, then fuck them! Maybe they don’t realize how hard it is to meet someone you like that likes you back the same way.”
I thought about that, shoved food around on my plate. “People will talk about me.”
“Let them talk. You know who you are.”
“They’ll say mean things. They’ll turn what he and I feel into something ugly.”
“Who. Cares.” She set her cup down hard. “I’m serious, Derek. You can’t live your entire life trying to please other people. You’ll go crazy. You’ll never be happy. And you know in your heart it’s not ugly.”
“But it’s…it’s how I was raised. To think of it as wrong. To think of it as a defect. To think of myself as off in some way. It made me work that much harder to be right.”
She leaned forward in her chair, her arms folded on the table. “So what do you want? To be right in some meaningless, outdated, unfair, inhuman way? Or to be happy?”
“But I want a family,” I said. “I want to be a father.”
“So have a family. Be a father.”
She sounded like Gage, like it was so easy. “I don’t know if I could do that to my kids. Raise them in such a—”
“Loving home? Look, even if Maxim isn’t the one, there is no reason why you can’t have children. You’d be a great dad, Derek.” She reached out and touched my arm again. “You’re going to be a great dad. You could do it on your own. You’re a caretaker. You’re kind and sensitive and strong.”
“I’m not.” I shook my head. “I’m not strong at all. Maxim’s the strong one. He told me he loved me, but he had to walk away if I wouldn’t come out about us.”
She bit her lip. “Do you love him?”
I nodded, my throat going tight.
“Then you know what to do. Trust me,
Derek. This doesn’t happen every day. When you feel that for someone, you grab onto it. And you don’t let go.”
Swallowing hard, I shoved a bite of breakfast in my mouth. I wanted to do what she said. But I wasn’t there yet.
Another week went by, during which I went over and over what Carolyn had said. What Maxim had said. What I felt in my heart. What I wanted for the future. I’d thought I would feel better, more righteous as time went on, but I didn’t. All I felt was sad and confused and sorry and lonely—so, so lonely.
I couldn’t go on like this. I either had to fucking be a man and get over it, or be a man and own up to it.
Around five P.M., I got a text from Gage. Hey, just a reminder about Will’s 6th bday party on Sunday. 3:00.
I texted him back. Sounds good. You free for a beer tonight?
He replied after ten minutes. The ball and chain shall release me for two hours between seven and nine. Does that work?
I replied that it did and we made plans to meet. My stomach was not okay, and my brain said this was crazy, but for once, I felt like maybe I’d breathe easier tonight when I tried to sleep.
I’d come to a decision.
Thirty-Six
DEREK
“So I have to tell you something.” I wasn’t in the mood to put it off. I’d waited until our beers arrived, and that was long enough.
“Okay.” Gage looked at me a little funny.
“I’m in love with someone.”
His jaw dropped. “Seriously? That’s great, man. Who is she?”
I shook my head, closed my eyes, and braced myself. When I opened them again, I spoke the truth. “It’s not a she, it’s a he. It’s Maxim.”
I’d thought it would nauseate me. I’d thought it would feel wrong. I’d thought it would be the hardest thing I’d ever done. But it wasn’t. Actually, the truth had skated pretty easily off my tongue.
Gage squinted at me like he might have heard wrong, mouth agape. “What?”
“It’s Maxim,” I said, my confidence growing. Fuck, this felt good. How had I not guessed how good this would feel? “I’m in love with Maxim.”
Strong Enough Page 20
