Ryan’s wearing distressed jeans and a gray button-down shirt and my heart literally skips a beat as I take him in. I grab my chest, feeling that sense of déjà vu all over again, like I’ve seen him before. Before the bar, before that night… Long ago, but the memory is so fleeting and dissolves before I can latch on to it.
Brushing dark curls out of his eyes, he looks around until he spots me. I can’t move off the couch, my feet have forgotten the most basic of functions.
“Hi,” he says with a soft smile, and it’s there in that smile that I see the guy I sat across from and ate sushi with.
The one who makes me laugh and forget everything except how good it is to be alive.
I smile back.
“Welcome.” My mother lifts her hand just slightly. “I hear you’ll be taking my babies to the zoo?”
Face still open and pleasant, he nods. “That’s the plan, ma’am.”
Cheeks flushed, eyes twinkling with something that looks suspiciously like adoration, Mama turns to me and nods as if to say “I like this one.”
“Good. It’s not healthy for my daughter to stay home so often.”
“Mama,” I warn and clear my throat.
“What? It is true.” Her accent thickens, and her voice becomes high-pitched with laughter. “You hide yourself in your books and work. You’re too gorgeous to stay so hidden.” Swiveling in her seat, she nods. “Am I right, Ryan? She’s gorgeous, no?”
His lips twitch and I wish the ground would just open up so I can drop into it. Why is Mom fishing? Doesn’t she realize how pathetic that makes me look?
Cringing, I say, “Mama, stop, please.”
Ryan nods, but his eyes are on my face as he says, “Yes. Yes, she is.”
Shuffling my feet, I pretend to look for my purse, knowing full well it’s sitting on the floor beside the couch. After a minute I bend over and pick it up.
“Javi, baby.” I kneel in front of him, but he doesn’t stop turning his pages. “Would you like to go to the zoo today and see the leos?”
His brows flicker.
“I’ll buy you ice cream.” Curling my fingers against my chest, I wait.
Cocking his head, he stops turning the pages and meticulously begins to first close, then roll up his comic. Standing, he tucks it into his back jean pocket and heads to the door.
I look at Ryan. It’s the moment of truth. What will Javi do?
“Javi.” I lick my lips. “This is my friend, Ryan.”
Ryan stands completely still.
Javier’s eyes roll slowly toward Ryan’s brown boots.
I nod at Ryan to say hi.
Rubbing the back of his neck, he says just as slowly as I had earlier, “Hello, Javier.”
Ade steeples her fingers and places them against her lips. The anticipation in the room is so thick it makes my toes tingle.
Without looking up, Javier walks to the door and grabs his worn Spider-Man cap, plopping it on his head. Crisis averted. In his own way, he’s said “hi” back.
Relaxing, I wave at my mom and Ade. Tears glisten in Mama’s eyes.
“Okay, we’ll see you guys later.” I blow air kisses and then hook my arm through Ryan’s, leading him toward the door.
“Good to meet you.” He cranes his neck one final time back at them.
“Go. Go.” Mom air kisses back. “Be safe. Don’t rush,” she gets out just as I’m closing the door behind us.
“So, I passed?” Ryan whispers, his moist breath fanning the shell of my ear and making things tighten in my lower belly.
Turning to him, I nod. “With flying colors.”
***
Ryan
Everything flew out the window the moment I saw her sitting on the couch. All the reasons why this was a bad idea, all the reasons I’d come up with to gently let her know this couldn’t happen between us… The second I saw her, I had a brain dump.
Dressed in pastel pink, she’s a breath of spring. The dress comes to her knees and shows off a shapely expanse of legs. The cinch at her waist only accentuates the shape of her figure and my mouth waters.
We’re sitting on the bench in front of the lion exhibit, been here the past hour actually. The moment we walked through the doors, Javier headed unerringly toward the exhibit. Now he barely moves, just continues to lick his blue Popsicle until it disappears and stares at the lions as if he can divine the mysteries of the universe within the cage.
The boy is small—reminds me of Lili in a lot of ways with his small button nose, big sloping eyes, and dark curly hair.
He doesn’t talk much, though, just looks.
“Thank you for this,” she says, leaning into me. Her breasts graze my chest as she turns, and my balls draw tight.
She smells good. Like a field of wildflowers. Her hair is down today, falling all around her face and shoulders. I curl my fingers up to prevent myself from reaching out and touching it.
“You’re welcome. Though if I’d known you’d be such a cheap non-date I might have asked you sooner.”
She laughs and the sound is nice.
It reaches deep inside me, stirs things up, makes me hot and cold. I shift on the seat.
Popping a kernel of popcorn into her mouth, she chews and swallows before saying, “Javi likes you.”
Looking back at the boy I frown. “How can you tell? He hasn’t said two words to me.”
A thoughtful expression flits across her features, softening them as she seems to be remembering something. “Because when he doesn’t, he rages.”
“Rages?”
She shrugs, bouncing her leg, drawing my eye to the tips of her black-painted toenails. “I don’t know, I guess it’s the way he shows his disgust or anger. He screams and bucks and hits and…” She sighs, giving me a weak shake of her head. “It’s not pretty. It can take hours to bring him down from one of those.”
“Does he have them a lot?”
She moves, stirring her scent in the breeze and I inhale sharply, letting her smell saturate my nose. Sitting in the park, with the sun all around us, I can’t help but wonder when was the last time I’ve been to a zoo. It’s not something on my bucket list, but I don’t altogether hate this either.
“Maybe one or two a week now.”
“A week? Damn.”
She licks the salt off her fingers. Wish it was me doing that.
“It’s a helluva lot better than it used to be. It actually feels almost normal now. Does that sound lame?” She rolls her eyes. “My life is so crazy that his not throwing fits is normal? I’m not sure what that says about me.” She tosses another kernel into her mouth.
This time a crumb settles against the edge of her lip. Giving in to instinct, I rub my thumb across it. Her lips are so soft and pink and I want to kiss her.
Taste her.
Wrap my tongue around hers and never come up for air again.
Lili swallows audibly, her beautiful green eyes go wide, and I come crashing back down to reality.
Clearing my throat, I hold the crumb up for inspection. “Had a piece on your mouth.”
“Oh.” Her voice is reed thin. “Thanks.”
She inches a little away from me and I want to groan, knowing I’d just screwed up. Non-date means no touching.
“Look, sorry about that.” I hold up my hands. “Don’t know what I was thinking.”
A small sound between a sigh and a chuckle spills from her throat. “No, I’m sorry. I’m so freaking gun-shy around you.”
“Me? Why?” Crossing my legs, I rest my arm behind her back on the bench. Not touching, but close enough to feel the heat from her body.
I don’t know why I kept pushing this thing. She’s clearly uncomfortable, but I don’t seem to have any control over myself. I want to be as close to her as possible, as close as she’ll let me be.
Being with Lili feels real, and there aren’t many things in my life anymore that do.
“Because for so long I’ve only had myself to depend upon. I don’t let guys
get close. And this is really deep for a first non-date, right?” She won’t look me in the eye. Pink floods her cheeks and it’s so damn cute I have to fight to remember not to touch again.
“Nah. This is what girls do, right?”
Brows gathering into a tight vee, she says, “Girls?”
“Talk about feelings and shit?”
Laughing, she shakes her head. “Are you calling yourself my girlfriend?”
Snorting, I lift a brow. “Absolutely not, I think we established that last time.”
“Oh, okay.” The lights in her eyes dance. “Because for a second there I thought you were trying to tell me something.”
I grin. “What I am saying, though, is that I want you to feel as comfortable talking to me about this stuff like you would with your friends. I’m not going to bite, Liliana. I just want to hang out. That’s it. It’s not impossible for a guy and a girl to just be friends.”
Which is true, but just not in this case. I want to be a lot more than friends.
Lili’s mouth pinches tight and her eyes caress my face with suspicion.
“I promise.” I shrug. “Let’s talk, forget about what we should and shouldn’t be doing, and just pretend we’re two normal people who don’t have to worry about anything other than enjoying the zoo. Like your boy.” I jerk my chin at Javier, whose nose is now pressed to the glass as he continues to stare at the sleeping lions.
Sighing, she turns to her boy, and naked, unvarnished love shines from her. Her eyes are wide, her gaze focused and unblinking as she draws in long, deep breaths.
It’s humbling and makes a horrible ache spread through my gut.
“You know,” she says, “sometimes I think he sees so much more than I ever will.” She looks back at me.
“Who’s the dad?”
Puffing air through her cheeks, she sits farther back on the bench. Her back presses against my arm, but she doesn’t move and I know she has to feel me, because I’m so fucking aware. I clench my jaw as sweat prickles and gathers along my forearm at the point of contact. I don’t want to move, don’t even want to blink; I just want her to stay like this forever.
“My first crush.” She looks up at the fluffy clouds floating by. “If you haven’t done the math yet, I’m a statistic. I had him when I was fourteen.”
“Hey.” I wait until she looks at me. “So what? Do you think that’s something to be ashamed of?”
Blinking, she cocks her head, reminding me of a tiny field mouse confused by the vastness of the world around her. “It was to my father.”
“Your father?”
Rolling the top of the popcorn bag down, she plops it next to her thigh. “Yeah. He was the one who took me to the hospital. It was like the moment the doctor said the test was positive, something inside him died. I’ll never forget his face.”
“Parents suck.”
Her lips twitch. “Sometimes, I guess. He left us.”
“What a dick.”
“He’s still my dad, Ryan. I’m not going to lie and say it didn’t hurt, doesn’t hurt…”
“Did he know your mom was sick when he bailed?” I don’t know why, but the thought of it makes me angry.
The sadness that bleeds through her tells me all I need to know. He’d known and he still left. “He left you to pick up the pieces? That why you don’t date? Expect all men to be like him?”
She sits up straight, and I want to curse myself for pushing too hard. I have my own damn demons, why am I picking at hers?
Crossing her arms over her chest, she inhales deeply. “I ruined his life. I was smart, really smart, and he had plans…”
Jaw clenching tight, I tell myself to just shut the hell up, but I was never really any good at listening to advice, even if it’s my own.
“You’re a mom now. You know you can’t live vicariously through your kids. It’s not right and only leads to disappointment.”
“Speaking from personal experience?” She lifts a brow and now it’s my turn to squirm.
Wiping my hand down my jeans, I say, “That wasn’t ever my problem with them.”
“Well? You heard my sob story, maybe it’s time you tell me yours.”
I know why she’s asking, know she’s remembering that night, and my pulse speeds. I’m not giving her time to ask me why I did it. Routing the words I know are ready to spring from her tongue, I shake my head.
“I gave my parents hell. Wore black, listened to death metal.”
“You?” She giggles and eyes me up and down, making my blood hot and my skin cold, wondering what it would feel like if she ever actually touched me. “I can’t picture it; you’re all clean-cut…”
“Thanks to the Marines. They kind of beat it out of me.”
“I thought you said you were a fighter.” She relaxes, uncrosses her arms, and I almost sigh with relief.
I love it when she touches me. And I know she knows she is—I feel it in the tremors coursing through her back. From what little I know about her, she isn’t used to this, seven years out of practice. And maybe, by some act of God, she’s just as curious about me as I am about her.
“Now I am. I separated three years ago. Marines teach you this thing called Marine Corps martial arts. I was hooked, took some fights while I was still in. Once I got out, I found a trainer and I haven’t looked back since.”
“When do you train?”
“Six nights a week. At the gym across from the sushi bar.”
She smiles, a full-on sexy one too, showing teeth and gums, and I can’t help but respond.
“No wonder you knew where that hole-in-the-wall was. Though I gotta say, that coffee was definitely not the world’s best.”
I laugh. “Hey, whatever it took to get you out of Chai Time.”
“Hmm.” She bops her leg faster. “You’re a liar, that’s what you are, Ryan Cosgrove. I had caffeine withdrawal the whole day.”
“And I told you…” I lean in, forgetting the non-date rules. “I had to apologize.”
Her lips are plump and luscious, beckoning me to take a taste. She doesn’t move, but her eyes dart across my face, panic flaring white-hot in them.
“Liliana…” My voice breaks, save me.
I kiss her.
And for a second I think she’s kissing me back. Her mouth is pliant and soft and a guttural groan spills from my lips as my hands slide slowly up her arms. I want her tongue, want it twined with mine, want to taste her and feel hers sliding with my own.
But before I can seek permission, her hands are pushing on my chest and her body is stiff.
Shocked, I snap out of my haze. My cock is so damn hard, my balls aching and heavy. What the hell have I done?
She has a hand over her mouth. “That’s not okay, Ryan. It’s not okay.”
Fuck me.
Chapter Nine
Liliana
The car ride back is torture. Why did he have to kiss me, why? Everything had been so perfect, so natural… For the first time in so long I couldn’t even remember when, I was having the most absolute, perfect day.
I pinch my brow.
Ryan is quiet, all the easiness we’d shared is gone. He’s silent and tense, not glancing at me. Dammit. I should have known better. I was flirting. I knew it, but I couldn’t seem to stop it.
It wasn’t fair. The first guy I meet in ages that does something to me and stirs up a hornet’s nest of emotions, but he’s is also someone I don’t dare bring myself to trust.
Because he tried to kill himself.
A woman can’t fix a man.
I learned that the day Papa walked out on us. No matter how much love, no matter how many desperate pleas, if he doesn’t want to change, he won’t.
I close my eyes, lulled into an almost trancelike state from the smooth ride when Javi starts grunting.
My pulse speeds. Twisting in my seat, I look at him.
“Papi? You okay?”
He’s looking out the window, his grunts growing louder.
R
yan turns to me. “What’s wrong? What’s he doing?”
Taking my purse off my shoulder, I rummage around inside, searching for the disc. “He’s tired and getting cranky. Music makes him feel better.”
Ryan clicks on the stereo, rap beats blare through the speakers.
Javi’s grunting so loud now it sounds animalistic. His tiny hands are balled into fists in his lap.
“No,” I snap, then take a deep breath. “I’m sorry, no. Please, he likes…” I finally find the CD and pull it out. “He likes this. Can I play it, please?”
“Fleetwood Mac?” Frowning, Ryan takes it from my hand.
“Loves it.”
He inserts the disc.
“Number two.”
He clicks the knob.
The moment the haunting strains of “Silver Springs” drift through the car, the grunting begins to quiet.
Ryan’s jaw flexes.
Miserable, I touch the tip of my finger to his clenched hand on the wheel. Blue eyes roll toward mine.
“I’m… I’m sorry, Ryan. It’s just that he…”
Shaking his head, he moves his hand away, letting me know I’m not allowed to touch. My throat aches and my eyes burn.
I’ve blown it. God, I’m so stupid. It’s not that I didn’t like the kiss.
I loved it.
Every damn moment of it, and it had scared the hell out of me.
The way his big, rough hands had cupped my arms, making me feel so small and vulnerable. How his body had leaned in closer and the smell of his cologne had wrapped itself around my head, making me dizzy and breathless. My insides had twisted as heat spiraled hot and liquid down my spine, settling between my legs.
I’d never wanted it to end.
Javi starts grunting again. I know what he wants.
Flicking my eyes toward Ryan’s face, I don’t want to do this. Not here. The tension’s so thick and singing isn’t exactly something I do in front of people anyway.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I sing. Sing the words I’ve sung a million times before, how he’d never get away from the sound of the woman who loves him, how my voice would haunt him, time casts a spell…
It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and somehow I manage to do it without warbling. My voice isn’t bad—it’s not the greatest either, but it’s the one thing I think Javi really likes about me.
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