Tugging on his shirt, I yank him inside and slam the door shut, shoving him against the wall and wrapping my body against his. Leaning up on tiptoe, I kiss him.
Throwing all my passion, all my fears, all my questions into it.
My body lights up like a firecracker, my nipples pucker tight against his chest. He moans and so do I. When I pull back, we’re both breathless.
“What was that?”
I swallow what I’m really feeling. The terror of the unknown, the desire, and need, and tell him the only thing that makes sense.
“Thank you.”
He frowns.
I smile and nuzzle his neck, delighting when I feel his skin tighten. His woodsy musk wreaks delicious havoc with my equilibrium.
“Thank you for being you,” I whisper again and kiss his chest, right above the spot of his heart.
***
Watching him move in the ring is like watching poetry in motion. He’s smooth, silky. Switching his feet, feinting to the right, to the left, fully concentrating on the fists flying at his face.
Sweat coats his back and abs, glistens on his flesh, and my pulse roars. He is so beautiful. And yes, I was right… Stripped down to nothing but a pair of shorts, abs rippling as he flexes and rolls on the mat with his partner… Sexy. As. Hell.
I’m the only girl in the gym, which at first had made me feel a little awkward. But the guys stopped gawking the moment they’d gotten down to business.
I can’t stop looking at him. Studying the intensity on his face as he moves, the way he grunts when a knee connects with his gut or the guttural sound that rumbles through his chest when he works to pin his partner to the mat.
After the kiss this afternoon, I’d gone and showered. Tried not to think about what I’d done, what I’d almost told him.
Throwing on a blue-jean skirt and flower crop top, I’d walked out to find him sitting on the carpet reading to Javi.
I’d had to cover my mouth with my hand to refrain from laughing as he’d begun acting out the parts, throwing in grunts and groans and moans, modulating his voice to mimic a fight.
Javi had trembled beside him, the tiniest smile lacing his little lips.
And for a second the demon of doubt had returned. Was it right to bring Ryan into his life? To expose Javi to a man who might not stick around?
But in that moment it felt so perfect, I couldn’t have denied him that. Not for all the money or stupid life plans in the world.
***
Ryan
Unwrapping the white gauze from my wrists, I stare at her.
Noah, my partner, claps me on the back. “Damn man, thought you were gonna make me tap there for a second.”
Snorting, I roll a twinge out of my left shoulder. “I thought about it. Had you in that Kimora.”
“Yeah, you had my ass.” Noah rubs a cut under his brow, wiping up the small bead of blood with his thumb and licking it off his lip. “She with you?” He nods at Lili.
My heart swells, feeling too big for my chest.
“Yeah.”
“Ah well.” He shrugs. “Too bad.”
Her flowery smell is all over me as she leans over the rope. “You did good.”
I press my thumb to her lips and she kisses it. “Thanks. Hey, man, this is Liliana. Lili, Noah.”
Reaching into his bag, Noah slips on his glasses, yanks off his gloves, and wiping his palms on his shorts, shakes her hand.
“Hi,” she says, releasing his hand quickly and stepping closer to me.
Shrugging on an oversized burgundy sweater, Noah grunts. “Hey, you sure you wanna hang with him? He’s a rotten bastard.”
She laughs and hugs my waist. “Yeah, I think I’ll keep him.”
Feeling the need to mark my turf, I turn and yank her into me, laying one on her like she’d done me earlier, delighting in the mewl that spills from her lips.
“Ah, fuck.” Noah rolls his eyes. “Like a dog on a hydrant. Yeah, fine, I get it.” He smirks a gap-toothed grin. “Good meeting you, Liliana.”
“Just call me Lili,” she says as she continues to pat my chest.
Hopping out of the ring, Noah jogs to the locker room. It’s just us now. “You want dinner?”
“A quick one? I promised Javi I’d sing for him tonight.”
Grabbing my towel, I wipe the sweat off my face. “Sure. As long as I can come.”
“You want to see me sing?”
“Angel, I wouldn’t miss it.” Laying another kiss on her, I head to the bathroom. “Give me a sec to get cleaned up.”
Dinner is a quick affair. There’s a taco stand close to where I train that cooks everything in front of you. Lili moans and groans as she stuffs down her carnitas. Me, I don’t taste much.
I just like watching her.
An hour later we’re in Javier’s room. I can’t deny I’m anxious as hell to see her play. I can’t stop thinking about it.
Of course, my visions always involve us stripped down to the bare essentials. But beggars can’t be choosers.
There’s only a nightlight on in the corner of his room. The rest of the house is quiet. Javier looks up at the ceiling, his hands tucked tight underneath his butt, face clean and hair slightly wet. He reminds me so much of Lili.
They have identical noses and lips.
I can’t help but try to see the dad in that face, but all I see is her, and I’m thankful.
“So, Javi, would you like books or music tonight?”
I’m really hoping the boy chooses music, but my reasons are purely selfish.
Leaning back, I rest my weight on my palms.
Liliana tucks a dark curl behind her ear; the movement causes her perfume to coil around my nose. I stroke my finger down her spine, delighted at her shiver.
Without missing a beat, Javi gets up and walks to the blond wood guitar sitting on a metal stand in the corner of his room.
Handing it to Lili, he crawls back under the sheets and tucks them tight to his chin, his eyes once again resting on the ceiling.
Biting the corner of her lip, she exhales and tosses me a shy glance. “Okay, Ryan, no laughing, you got it?” she asks as she begins to tune the strings.
I hold up my hands. “I swear. Boy Scouts’ honor.”
Snorting, she pops a tortoiseshell pick in the corner of her mouth. “I bet you were never a Boy Scout.”
True.
Discordant sounds spill from the guitar and I have to fight to keep from chuckling. Either she’s really nervous, or she’s still learning.
“I only ever sing for him, he doesn’t care if my voice cracks. Now, I’m going to close my eyes. Don’t touch me, breathe on me, or tickle me. Got it, mister?” She pins me with a frosty glare, one brow raised and her nose curled, reminding me of a little Chihuahua. All bark and no bite.
I cross a giant X over my chest.
Doing a quick three-breath count, she takes the pick out of her mouth and strums the first chord.
I was wrong.
She can play.
Her fingers are nimble as she slides them down the neck and the song that fills the air is haunting and hypnotic.
Long lashes flutter against her cheeks as she sings.
At first the sound is wooden, stilted. As if she’s aware I’m in the room. But after a while, I know she’s forgotten all about me. She’s been transported to another place. There’s light inside her, and it’s spilling out. Coating everything it touches as her throaty voice hugs me.
Javier’s just as affected.
I wonder if she always sings with her eyes closed.
I think she must, because otherwise she’d have known the truth.
Vaguely, I recognize the lyrics. Know it’s another Fleetwood song, I’ve heard it before… somewhere, a long time ago.
A song about love, about falling and wanting to be with you everywhere.
Just as she sings that line, Javi looks at her. Dead in her face, and I feel like a bastard, because I get to see what I know she hasn�
�t.
Love.
It’s all around him, and it’s all for her
June
Liliana
Summer is flying by. I don’t know where the time is going, but I know I’m trying to cram in as much of it as I can with him.
I can’t believe it, but Ryan’s so much fun to be around, and he has a great sense of humor. I know it’s really soon, but every time I see him talking to Javi, or my mom, or Ade… I feel something in the region of my heart melt more and more.
I like him.
Like seriously, ridiculously, think about him all the time “like him.”
He’s taking Javi and me to a movie tonight. I’m not sure what it is, but I don’t think I’ll be focusing on it anyway.
I’m trying not to panic, not to think about the possibility of this not working out, but I can’t help it, because each day I wake up with the anticipation of getting to see him. The memory of what happened in February is fading into the ether of my mind.
Ryan is amazing, and gentle, and so awesomely perfect it’s a little scary.
July
Ryan
I keep waiting for the panic to set in. For the moment I look at her and realize I’m in over my head, that I need to take a step back.
But it hasn’t come yet.
I’ve never let a woman get this close to me and I keep telling myself to tap those brakes, slow down and take this easy, but being with Lili is so easy and feels right.
I haven’t had nightmares in months and I think it’s because of her. Being with her, it keeps the demons at bay.
And I don’t mind the kid. Which is surprising. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to handle being around one, but he’s quiet, and most times I’m not even aware he’s there.
Nothing in life is perfect, and I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. For proof that Lili’s not the angel I’ve placed on a pedestal… But no matter how much I look for a chink in her armor, I’m not finding it.
We’re settling into an easy rhythm, and I like it. The familiarity of knowing I’ll see her each day. I don’t want summer to end, but it’s flying by… What’s going to happen when she goes back to school?
The thought of it makes a giant knot form in the pit of my gut. I’m not a fortune-teller, but I know the darkness is only biding its time until it can return and consume me, and I hope I’m strong enough to fight.
Chapter Fourteen
Liliana
August
“Your senior year.” Ade rests her hand on her plump hip as she stands at the stove, flipping a homemade tortilla.
The yeasty whiff of hot grease makes my stomach grumble.
“I’m so proud of you, Liliana.” She turns and flips the tortilla again, then grabs a plate, tossing the warm bread onto it and stacking it high with buttery scrambled eggs and creamy frijoles.
“Don’t forget the cheese.” I grin and then groan. “And don’t remind me. I’m not ready to go back to school.”
“No?” Adelida waddles up to me, swiping loose strands of salt-and-pepper hair out of her face and back into her thick bun. “But you love school.”
Yes, I did.
Do.
But I love this summer. It’s been one of the most fun I’ve had in forever. Ryan practically lives here at this point.
I didn’t think it was possible, but he actually seems to like Javier. Sometimes I’ll catch them sitting together on the couch watching superhero cartoons, which I know at this point Ryan hates.
Actually, Ryan’s a giant dichotomy.
A fighter who loves romantic comedies and deep literary works. A man who prefers plain vanilla ice cream and always wrinkles his nose at my peanut-butter-chocolate gelato topped with a soaring heap of fudge and whipped cream.
He loves when I play the guitar; sometimes he asks me to just play for him. I don’t know many songs, not a lot other than Fleetwood, but I’m learning. He really enjoys the sound of the Spanish guitar and would make me play “Malagueña” all the time if I let him.
I can’t believe how cool Mama is with him staying over.
We still aren’t sleeping together, which—my heart dips—is getting more and more difficult not to do.
At this point a lot of my reasons are starting to blur.
We’ve only really begun to know each other, but in some ways it feels like I’ve known Ryan my whole life.
“Ah…” Ade’s thick brows furrow. “I see. It’s the boy, no?” Her smile is warm as she sets the plate and a cup of milk tea in front of me. “Love agrees with you.”
I ignore that, spearing the eggs.
Mama rolls into the kitchen then, taking an appreciative whiff.
Ade hops up and pats the head of the table.
“I made you some too, Tina.” She pulls out a chair so Mama can just roll right into her spot.
Mama’s eyes are heavily shaded, her skin appears very dull, and she’s hardly moving her arms. They’re in her lap, fingers partially curled open. Long, black hair she’d taken so much pride in all her life hangs limp around her hunched shoulders.
“Just some tea, Ade. Where’s Javi?”
I stopped crying in front of my mom a long time ago. Stopped letting her see just how devastating it is to watch her slow death happening right in front of me. Grabbing a napkin, I cover my face, pretending to sneeze, but really taking a second to gather myself.
“Sleeping.” I dab at my eyes and fix a smile on my face.
Ade sets the tea in front of her.
Mama’s fingers tremble as she lifts her arm, dropping it with a dull thud onto the table and slowly inching it toward her cup. She has to swipe at the handle three times before she’s finally able to latch on to it.
I can’t look anymore. I take a bite of my food. Food that, until a second ago, I desperately wanted.
Last month we took her to the doctor and the news had been what I expected but dreaded. The disease is advancing quicker now. For the first time, I saw evidence of it when last week I came home to find her covered in her own urine and crying. Ade had run to the store and hadn’t been with her. She’d been alone and peed herself. I couldn’t imagine how devastating that must have been for her.
But even worse was that Ryan had been with me—her eyes had been miserable as he’d taken in her appearance. And in that moment I loved him, because rather than speak, he simply knelt, scooped her fragile body into his arms, and took her down the hall to the bathroom where I was finally able to wash her up.
I don’t know how much longer I’ll have my mom and it hurts to think our final years are like this. It’s times like these that I hate my father for leaving us. For leaving her.
“And Ryan?” My mother’s voice tears me from my thoughts.
“Training.”
“In the morning?” Ade sits down again. “I thought he trained at night.”
I shrug. “He wanted to be more free for us during the evening, so he switched things up. Said he’d call me later.”
As if on cue, the phone rings.
“Probably him. Oh, he’s so infatuated with you. I love it.” Ade winks and goes to answer the cordless phone. “Hola,” she says, then a large smile twists her features. “It’s for you.”
My heart still thumps whenever he calls. Grabbing the phone from her I whisper a breathless “Hello.”
“Hi, baby. It’s me.”
I hike my leg onto the chair and stick my nail into my mouth. “Hey, sexy. I miss you.”
“Say it in Spanish.”
He says he’s trying to learn Spanish, actually, I think he just likes hearing me speak it. I never hear him utter a word of it, but he always gets this goofy grin on his face whenever I do.
Giggling, I roll my eyes. “Te extraño.”
Sighing sharply, I know he’s smiling back. My fingers twitch, wishing he were here right now so I could just grab him and kiss him. It’s dangerous, these feelings he brings out in me, makes me feel almost violent sometimes.
“Alex a
nd some chick are going to an open mic later. He wanted to know if you and I wanted to tag along. If not, we could do a movie tonight or just chill. Whatever.”
Drumming my fingers on the table, I nod. “Let me ask, okay?”
Covering the mouthpiece, I don’t even get a chance to ask before Mama waves her hand and Ade nods.
“I’ve got nowhere to be tonight, I’ll be more than happy to watch Javi.” Ade takes a sip of her tea.
Tossing them a grateful smile, I say, “Okay, what time?”
“Well, it’s at six I think, but I can’t wait that long to see you. I’ve got another hour before I’m done, maybe after that I’ll stop by? Take you and Javier to the park for lunch or something?”
Blowing him a kiss, I agree.
***
Javi’s cranky today.
Sitting under a large oak tree, we have our blanket spread on the grass. The lake in the park glints with flecks of silver, almost too bright to look at this time of day.
A hot breeze stirs and I keep having to slap at red fire ants trying to crawl inside our basket of sandwiches and watermelon.
Javi refuses to eat, just nibbles on a section of melon before tossing it to the ground with a hard grunt.
Probably my fault.
The second I’d hung up with Ryan I’d gone and woken him up. Past ten in the morning at that point, but during the summer Javi likes to sleep in and when he doesn’t get to, he makes me pay.
I sigh and Ryan pats my knee.
“It’s okay.” His blue eyes hold mine. I kiss his knuckles and his lashes flutter before he rolls onto his back. Crossing his arms behind his head, he stares up at the tree. “It’s nice just to relax.”
“You sore?” I rub his arm.
“Mmhmm.” He nods. “Noah thought it would be fun to right-kick my left thigh all morning.”
“Oh, poor baby.” I stroke his jean-covered thigh, “Want mama to kiss it better?”
“One of these days, I’m going to take you up on that offer.” He winks and my heart slides into my toes.
Javi stands, the comic rolled and tucked into his back pocket. His jean shorts are wrinkled and torn at the edges. It’s time to replace the old ones. Brows tight with a glower, he walks a few steps away, stopping midway between our blanket and the lake.
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