She sniffs, and I give a little shaky laugh, feeling like I might cry, too. Which I would never live down. So I wrap my arms around her again and whisper in her ear, “Happy birthday, Zoe.”
Chapter Twenty
Zoe
He got me a car. A car. I literally can’t believe it.
When it first sinks in what he had done, I’m not sure I can accept it. It’s too much, way too much, particularly for a couple that’s not supposed to be all that serious. But I think we passed “just for fun” a long time ago. Still, how can I accept a car from him?
When I actually look at him, though, and see how nervous he is, I realize that I have to. He seems terrified as he gazes down at me, waiting for my reaction. Like he is sure I’m about to freak out. It takes me about two seconds to realize how much work and time he put into it—for me—and that’s all I need to know. As uncomfortable as I might be with a big gift like that, I know it doesn’t matter. He did it for me because he cared enough about me to do it. There is no way in hell I am throwing that back in his face.
So instead I hug him and kiss him and thank him, from the very bottom of my heart.
We leave his car in the parking lot and take mine—my car!—to pick up Ellie and Fred for the trip to Ohio. I feel downright giddy about driving us the whole way there. Ellie and Taylor are both very protective of their cars, and neither ever lets me drive. This is going to be so much fun.
And I can use a little fun. It’s been a tough week.
After that first night in the kitchen, I didn’t know what to expect from my mom. To my relief, she calmed down a lot the next day. She still stayed up half the night, but she seemed content to read and watch TV. No more scary, manic baking. But the next night I had woken to the sound of the vacuum cleaner at three a.m. I found her, in the living room, standing on the couch with the drapery attachment on the vacuum, cleaning the blinds.
It had gone on like that all week, up and down. Even Jerry seems concerned. I hadn’t seen him drunk once, and he came home after work pretty much every night. I was exhausted and on edge, having no idea what to expect at any given moment. I had almost skipped the trip today. She’d been okay yesterday, better than she’s been most of the week, but I still worried about leaving. The not knowing is always hard. What had convinced me, finally, was my mom herself.
“I was thinking spaghetti and meatballs for dinner tomorrow,” she told me. I was in bed, half asleep, but she clearly wasn’t in a mental place where she was aware of things like bedtime.
“Tomorrow?” I had asked, struggling to catch up with wherever her mind was.
“For your birthday, silly.”
It had been strange, hearing her say those words. The past few years, my birthday had gone unnoticed. My mom had just been too out of it to remember, and Jerry certainly wasn’t going to remind her. Add to that the fact that my seventeenth birthday had pretty much been the worst day of our lives and I had basically stopped caring about the occasion.
“You don’t have to do that,” I said, my heart beating faster.
“Of course we do! You’re turning twenty-one!”
I winced, and didn’t bother to correct her. For a moment, I thought about letting her do it. I’d been feeling bad about my plan to spend the day away anyhow. It would probably be better if I just stayed home and let her cook me dinner. Cedar Point could wait.
No, said a small voice in my head.
I didn’t want to stay home, didn’t want to spend my birthday watching her out of the corner of my eye. Didn’t want to have to worry about her getting distracted and leaving a pan on the stove to catch fire, which had almost happened on Monday. I didn’t want any of it. I wanted to spend the day with my friends, with Taylor. I wanted an actual birthday for once. Like a boring- ass normal person would.
“Actually, Mom,” I said. “I think my friends are going to take me to Cedar Point tomorrow.”
I was worried she’d be disappointed, that the guilt would set in, but her face lit up. “Oh, I love Cedar Point! That will be so fun for you!” She then launched into a monologue about the times she had visited the park when she was a teenager. The longer she went on, the more sure I was of my decision. Maybe it made me a bad daughter, a bad person, but I wanted to get away from this. Even if only for a day.
“You okay?” Taylor asks. “You’re frowning.”
I shake my head a little, trying to clear it. When I had left that morning I had been determined to put her out of my mind. She would be fine. Yesterday had been a good day. Jerry would be home. Mrs. Johnson would stop by. It was going to be fine.
“I’m okay,” I say, and force a smile. “Thinking about how scared I am to go on these rides.”
He laughs and takes my hand. “You’ll love it.”
***
Neither Ellie nor Fred is surprised by my new wheels.
“I helped,” Fred tells me as he climbs into the back seat, leaning over the console to kiss my cheek. “In fact, I did most of the work. Taylor mostly watched.”
Taylor makes a scathing noise in the back of his throat. I look over at him in the passenger seat, liking the view of him there. He’s leaning back against the door, sunglasses on, smiling incessantly at me. He seems to be equally tickled that I’m driving us for once.
“It’s not quite as good as my Honda,” Ellie says when we pick her up. “But it will do.”
“Yeah, right,” I say. “You wish you had a car this good.” Out of the corner of my eye, I see Taylor’s grin widen by a few degrees, and my good mood increases.
I’m not just saying it for his benefit though—the Jeep is amazing. It’s clearly an older model, and the upholstery is faded and ripping in a few places. What really gets me, though, is how clean it is. Taylor obviously made sure it was polished up and ready to go before giving it to me. More than anything else, it’s the visual of him cleaning and waxing it that makes me all weepy.
The drive down to Ohio takes a little more than two hours, and the time passes easily. We listen to music, chat, and eat the barbecue chips Ellie packed. It’s not even ten a.m. yet and it’s easily one of the best days I’ve ever had.
The park is pretty crowded for a weekday, and I start to get nervous as we approach the gates. “Those are some pretty freaking big rides,” I say, tilting my head back to see the top of the tallest ride. It’s yellow and massive, towering so far above the others I can’t even fathom how tall it is.
“We should start with that one,” Fred says. “Top Thrill Dragster. It’s amazing. And it’s the tallest coaster in the park. If you can handle that, you know you can handle any of them.”
“No way,” Ellie says, staring up at where he’s pointing. “I am not starting on that thing. Absolutely not.”
“What’s wrong, Ells?” he asks, grinning. “You scared?”
“Hell yeah, I’m scared,” she says, making us laugh. “That thing looks terrifying.”
“Let’s do Millennium first,” Taylor says. “That’s my favorite.”
“Is it as big as that?” I ask uncertainly.
“No. It’s pretty big, but not that big. It’s awesome. I promise. You’ll love it.”
Ellie agrees so we head across the park to Millennium Force. As we get closer, I realize it’s massive, too. But Taylor squeezes my hand and assures me it will be good.
We’re welcomed to the line by a blond staff member in a blue and red uniform. “Ready for Millennium?” he asks cheerily, waving us past the height requirement check. “Best ride in the park!”
“If by ‘ready’ you mean scared shitless,” I mutter.
He smiles. “You’ll be fine, I promise. I’ve been on this ride more than a thousand times.”
“Wow.” I shake my head, marveling that anyone would want to feel this stomach-dropping panic more than once.
“It’s her birthday,” Taylor tells him, pointing his thumb in my direction. “And her first time in the park. We’re gonna ride front row to celebrate.”
�
��No, we are not,” I say firmly. “Middle of the train or nothing.”
“Oh, hell no,” the staff member says. “First time and your birthday? Girl, you need to ride front row. Trust me.”
“We’ll see.”
The line moves pretty fast, and I get more nervous the closer we get to the front. Ellie looks as nervous as I feel.
“That thing goes straight down,” she says. “Like, straight down.” She grabs my hand. “If I die here today, you have to promise you’ll hide my porn and vibrator before my parents find it.”
I try not to laugh at the look on Fred’s face. “I promise,” I say seriously.
She nods, her expression grateful.
“I promise you won’t die, Ells,” Fred says, apparently recovered from her disclosure—though he does seem to be blinking very rapidly. “This is seriously the best ride in the park. You’re going to love it.”
“Does it go upside down?” she asks.
“Nope. It’s just really fast.”
We finally reach the front of the line. Red-and-blue-clad employees are directing people through turnstiles. Taylor points to the end of the pavilion where the first row line is, his expression questioning. “Hey, go big or go home, right, baby girl?”
I gulp. “What about second row?”
Ellie flat-out refuses to ride anywhere but the very middle of the train.
“Why?” Fred asks.
“Because if the train comes off the track and we plunge to our deaths, I’d rather not be first.”
He snickers. “So you’ll have extra time to contemplate your doom?”
“Hey, buddy,” she says, jabbing him in the chest. “I have a lot of sins to apologize for, okay? I need all the extra seconds I can get.”
“No one is plunging to their deaths,” Taylor says calmly. “Come on.”
“Fine.” I follow him up to the front row line, which is quite a bit longer than the others. I’m so scared now that my hands are actually shaking. Train after train leaves the station, and I can hear the screams of the riders even over the music playing inside the station. “I think I’m going to be sick,” I say, but Taylor only grins.
“You’re a badass,” he says. “Badasses don’t get sick.”
We’re two away from the front of the line when I see Fred and Ellie getting into the train. They’ve chosen a spot near the back, and Ellie has her hands over her eyes. Fred is keeping up a steady stream of conversation. I point at her. “Uh, that’s the biggest badass either of us knows, and look at her.”
He laughs and pulls me against him so my back is resting against his chest. “You’re going to be fine.”
There’s a pause while the staff change positions. The guy who insisted we ride front row is now checking seat belts. When it’s finally our turn to climb into the train, Taylor has to push me to make my feet move. I buckle up, my hands shaking, and the staff member leans down to check my belt.
“You scared?” he asks.
I nod, beyond speech, but he just grins. “I guarantee that you’ll be fine. This is the best ride in the world, and believe me, I know rides. You’re going to have a blast, I promise.”
Something about his assurance, and his excitement, makes me feel better. He grins, gives me a thumbs up, and continues down the train, finishing his check. Then the employees are shouting “clear,” and the train is starting to move.
“Oh, my God,” I whisper, and clutch the bar in front of me. We seem to be heading straight up, and there’s nothing on either side of us, nothing in front of us except the narrow steel tracks stretching on and on. As we gain height, I can see Lake Eerie down below to our left. The tracks seem to go on forever, and I wonder how long it actually takes to climb to the top.
“You’re doing great,” Taylor shouts. “You can do this!”
“I don’t have much choice now, do I?” I yell back. I hear him laugh over the wind. Then his mouth is next to my ear, his breath warm on my neck. “You are so brave, Zoe Janes. The bravest, most kickass girl I know. You can do anything.”
I tear my eyes away from the approaching crest of the hill and find his gaze on me, steady and sure. He’s smiling at me, the wind whipping his messy hair around his head, and I can see the truth of his words in his eyes. He really means it, really thinks I can do anything. It’s been a long time since anyone has believed in me like this.
“We’re almost there,” he shouts. “Let go! Put your hands up, like this.” He releases the bar, holding his hands straight over his head. I take a deep breath and follow suit. I can feel us start to level out, know we’re at the crest. Soon we’ll tip forward and plunge over the hill. I squeeze my eyes shut tight. “No way!” he calls out. “Open those eyes, Zoe. You need to see this!”
I’m beyond terrified. With my arms raised and nothing to hang on to, I feel like I’m about to become untethered from the Earth, like our train won’t ever actually stop and we’ll all be flung away into space. But there’s something in Taylor’s voice that I instinctively respond to. He wants me to experience this, and that makes me want to experience it.
So I open my eyes just as we reach the very top. The lake is spread out to one side, glittering blue in the sunlight. I feel like I can see for miles, and it’s so, so beautiful. I catch a fleeting glimpse of Taylor’s face as I turn my attention to the track, to the drop, and then we’re falling and it’s so fast and so steep I can’t do anything but scream. The world is a blur around me, and I’m falling, falling, falling.
About halfway down I realize that I’m not screaming anymore—I’m laughing my head off. This is one the most amazing feelings I’ve ever had. The wind and the speed and the drop of my stomach. It’s incredible.
We reach the bottom of the first hill and immediately swoop up again, the track turning on its side. We’re twisting around and my stomach seems to be way back in the station. All I can do is laugh and laugh. We shoot through a tunnel, the darkness enveloping us, and then up another crest and I’m weightless again. I lose track of the hills and the twists and the turns. All I know is this is seriously, seriously fun and I have no idea why I was ever afraid.
All too soon it’s over and we’re pulling back into the station. Everyone on our train is clapping and I join in. “That was amazing!” I yell to Taylor, still laughing.
He leans over and kisses me, hard. “You’re amazing,” he says. “I told you, didn’t I? Total badass.”
***
I’m relieved to find that Ellie enjoyed the ride as much as I did. That means we’re clear to ride pretty much everything else, though she says she needs to work up to Dragster a little more. That’s perfectly fine, since there are thirteen coasters in the park. We ride them all, even the oldest one, a rickety wooden thing that seems like a kiddie coaster compared to Millennium. There’s a stand-up coaster, a hanging coaster, coasters that send you spinning upside down, coasters that plunge you backwards down the track.
I’ve never had so much fun.
Taylor has to drag me from the rides to eat lunch. “You look like a little kid,” he says as we find a picnic table by the hot dog stand. Ellie and Fred volunteer to get in the lengthy line while we hold the seats. Taylor straddles the bench so he can face me, and brushes my tangled hair away from my face. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile so much.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever had such a good time,” I admit.
He beams at me, and my stomach swoops a little. I can’t be sure if it’s an aftereffect of the last ride or a response to how he’s looking at me right now.
“Why don’t you celebrate your birthday?” he asks.
I look down at the picnic table, wishing he hadn’t asked. The day has been so good so far, and I don’t want to bring up all the crap that usually weighs me down.
“When I was a junior in high school my mom’s condition got worse,” I say, not lifting my eyes. “That summer, on my birthday, she…she had to be hospitalized.”
I close my eyes, my mind filled with the ima
ge of her body, cold and lifeless, the way I had found her that day…
“It was bad. And things were just never really the same after that. The last few years she’s been too…out of it, I guess, to even remember what day it is. So I just stopped thinking of it as something to be excited about.”
I still don’t look up, but I can feel him staring at me.
“When we first met,” he says softly, “you told me you weren’t ready for summer to come. I remember it because I was thinking about how much I hated summer. This is why, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, summer has been rough for me lately. It doesn’t help that everyone comes home from college with all of their exciting stories and experiences.”
“Because you should have gone with them.”
It’s more of a statement than a question, but I nod anyhow.
“Jim died in the summer.”
I finally look up, meeting his gaze. I can see the pain in his face, and I feel such an overwhelming rush of affection for him that it takes my breath away. He hates talking about his brother, hates talking about his death even more, yet he offers me this information. Not to make me feel better, or worse, but to connect us. To let me know that he understands the shitty stuff, that I don’t have to hide or pretend with him.
“I used to think I’d never be able to enjoy the season again,” he says, never breaking eye contact with me. “That it would always remind me of those terrible days sitting by his bed. But now…”
“Now?”
He smiles, even though he still looks sad. “Now I think maybe I’ll have different summer memories. I mean, the stuff with Jim will always be there. But maybe it won’t be the only thing that stands out in my mind when I think about summer.”
I grin, feeling lighter, somehow. “Like, maybe, kisses on the beach?”
His smile grows. “Yup. And baking in the kitchen.”
“Roller coasters.”
He inches closer to me. “You, naked, in my bed.”
I laugh and move even closer to him. “Museums.”
His eyes give off that familiar, amused twinkle that always makes me think I might blush. “You, naked in my shower.”
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