My heart constricts with affection for Ellie. I had told her pretty firmly that I didn’t want her up here, didn’t want to take the chance of her overhearing the venom my mom was still prone to spew. Why she assumed I’d be more willing to let Grace in, I have no idea. But the idea she’d put her rivalry with my old friend aside to give it a try says a lot about her.
“Thanks,” I say. “It was nice of you to stop by.”
“How is she?”
What can I say? More than anyone, more than Ellie even, Grace knows what I’ve had to go through with my mom. She was there, after all, on that terrible birthday so long ago. “She’s having a rough time.”
Grace frowns. “I’m sorry to hear that. Do you think she’ll be able to get the right help now?”
“I think so…maybe. My uncle is back in the picture. He’s trying to make arrangements.”
Her face relaxes. “Really? That’s great, Zoe. It’s not right that you tried to take all of this on yourself all these years.”
I don’t say anything to that. I hate the implication in her words, the idea that I’m some kind of martyr or self-sacrificing daughter. If this week has taught me anything, it’s that I’ve failed my mother much more than I could have ever imagined.
“So what’s going to happen next?”
I laugh a little. “That’s the big question, isn’t it? Peter wants to take her back home with him. There’s a good hospital in his town, a place he thinks can help her.”
“Wow.” Grace narrows her eyes a little, as if inspecting me. “That would be a pretty big deal for you.”
I stiffen, knowing precisely what she means. It’s what my uncle has been telling me all week. “You should be in school, Zoe,” he keeps saying. “Not wasting your youth trying to take care of your mother. That’s not your job. You’re way too smart. You should be in a university.”
“It’s not a bad thing, you know?” Grace says softly. “To want things for yourself. Your mom would want that for you.”
I have to make a conscious effort not to snort at that. My mom spent a good portion of yesterday afternoon yelling all the things she “wanted” for me. None of them was anything good.
“I mean it, Zoe. The Cassandra we both know, the one who would meet us after school with those ridiculously delicious macaroons and ask us all about our day—that’s the real Cassandra. She might not be able to express herself right now, but she’s in there. And she would want what’s best for you.”
I haven’t really cried yet, not once during this entire hell of a week. But now, looking at my oldest friend, I can’t keep back the tears. Just like that her arms are wrapped around me. “It’s going to be okay,” she says, her voice firm. “Your mom needs to get better, that’s all. And when she does, God, Zoe, she’ll be so proud to know you’re out there doing your best, making a life.”
“I wasted so much time,” I gasp, clinging to her shoulders. “If she knew all the shit I’ve pulled the last few years…”
I feel Grace’s shoulders lift under my arms. “So? You were going through some tough shit, girl. It’s totally normal that you stumbled a little dealing with it.”
I shudder. “I’m sorry, Grace. Everything you said at that party was true. I pushed you away. I was such a bitch.”
“Shh. You needed something I couldn’t give you then. I’m glad you found Ellie and all of those guys. I know they love you.”
I pull away, wiping my eyes. “Sorry.” I’m embarrassed suddenly. There’s a wet spot on the shoulder of her polo shirt from my tears. I wipe at it clumsily, but she grabs my hand and smiles at me.
“Don’t worry about it. It’s fine.” As she looks right into my eyes, I know she’s talking about more than just her shirt. I take a deep breath, feeling another little piece of the guilt I’ve been carrying lift up and away from my chest.
“I should go.” She stands, and I follow suit. “I’ll call you later, okay?” She gives me a stern look. “Answer your phone this time.”
I smile sheepishly. “I will.”
She turns to go but pauses and looks back at me. She lifts a hand and touches a strand of my hair. “You know, I hated this color the first time I saw it. You didn’t look like you in red.” She smiles. “It’s growing on me.”
I watch her walk away until she turns a corner. Wow. If someone would have told me I’d have that conversation with Grace—and that Ellie, of all people, would facilitate it—I wouldn’t have believed it. I know I won’t sleep now, there’s too much on my mind. I decide I may as well go get some coffee.
I head off down the hallway toward the cafeteria, my mind spinning from my conversation with Grace. Just like Peter, she thinks I should be in school. That my mom would actually be happy about it. I know they want what’s best for me, but I also know neither one of them understands just how responsible I am for her current situation.
I just don’t know what to think anymore, who to trust. To make matters worse, the very thought of going away to school, of actually being free for once, excites the hell out of me. But that freedom is contingent on my mother losing hers. What kind of daughter am I to be excited about something like that?
What I really wish, more than anything, is that I could sit down with Taylor and tell him about everything. He’d help me figure it out—he was always so good at sifting through the bullshit and helping me see things for what they were.
“Zoe?”
I spin around, panicked that someone has seen me here, that they might figure out why I’m at the hospital. I squint down the hall. “Fred?”
“I thought that was you.” He approaches me, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why he’s here. “How’d you find out? Did he call you?”
I stare at him, confused. “Did who call me?”
“Taylor.”
I shake my head, at a loss, and he seems to realize that I don’t know what he’s talking about. “You know what, forget it,” he says, shoving his hands in his pockets. He seems uncomfortable, as if he’s done something he shouldn’t. “So, what’s up? You here visiting someone?”
“Yeah.” I gesture down the hall vaguely. “My mom.” I cross my fingers that he won’t push for more information, but he barely seems to have registered what I said. “Fred?” I ask. “You okay?”
“Oh yeah, sure. I’m fine.”
A thought strikes me, one that chills my blood. “Why are you here? Is Taylor all right?”
He winces, and my stomach drops. “What happened?” I demand.
“Look, Zoe…he asked me not to tell you.”
His words are so much like a physical blow that I actually step back. “Wow,” I whisper.
“No, it’s not like that,” he says, reaching for my hand. “He’s not mad, or anything. Embarrassed, I think. He doesn’t want you to see him here.”
“What happened?” I ask again. “Please, Fred. You can’t leave me not knowing. You can’t.”
He takes a deep breath and his expression is so sad. “Jeremy was brought in yesterday. He went to a party, had too much to drink. Mixed it with pills.”
It takes me a second to realize that Jeremy is Taylor, my Taylor. Then all the air leaves my lungs, and I clutch Fred’s arms, sure my legs won’t hold me much longer. “What?”
“I’m sorry, Zoe. I wanted to call you right away—”
“Is he okay?” My heart is racing, and I feel nauseated. This can’t be happening. Taylor did not OD, he can’t have. We promised each other.
Fred nods quickly, as if realizing he should have led with that information. “He’ll be okay. He feels pretty shitty. They had to pump his stomach and insert a breathing tube—” I grimace and clutch his arms harder—“but the doctor says he should be all right.”
I breathe in deeply, slightly mollified. I’m not going to be okay until I see him though. “What room is he in?”
For a second it looks like Fred isn’t going to tell me, but something changes his mind. “308.”
I turn on my heel
and march to the elevators, not even bothering to say goodbye. I have to see him. I won’t be able to breathe properly until I can see that he’s okay.
The door to room 308 is closed, and I pause outside. If he’s resting, I don’t want to wake him. Maybe I could just peek in, see that he’s there and in one piece. Then I hear voices inside and figure he must be awake after all.
I knock and wait, my heart pounding. He might not want to see me. He did, after all, ask Fred not to tell me he was here. The idea of him rejecting my visit is so awful that I consider fleeing, but the desire to see him is stronger.
“Come in,” an unfamiliar voice calls.
I enter the room, terrified of what I will see, of Taylor sick or in pain. But the bed is blocked by a tall, dark-haired man. I realize it must Taylor’s father; the resemblance is uncanny. He seems to recognize me too, because he smiles and shifts slightly so that I can see Taylor.
I gasp at the sight of him. He’s attached to a couple of tubes, and there are huge dark shadows under his eyes. He looks pale and weak, nothing like the strong and vital man I love so much. I don’t realize that I’m crying until the tears slide across my nose.
Taylor’s eyes never leave mine. “Dad, can you give us a minute?”
“Sure.” The man gives me a warm smile before slipping from the room.
I stand, frozen, a few feet from Taylor’s bed.
“Come here,” he says finally, his voice so raspy it sounds painful. I stumble toward him, my tears blurring everything. I think he’s going to take my hand, but instead he grabs my arms, pulls me right up against him, and wraps his arms around my shoulders.
I try to catch his familiar scent, but I’m sobbing too hard. He pats my back over and over, whispering that everything is fine. I can’t get over the rasp in his voice and suddenly remember what Fred had said about them pumping his stomach and inserting a breathing tube. His throat is probably killing him.
I pull away, wanting him to stop comforting me, to stop using his voice. He gives me a weak smile and gestures to a chair next to the bed. I sink into it, unable to take my eyes off him. “Are you okay?” I whisper.
“Yeah. I’ll be fine. I’m more embarrassed than anything.”
“Taylor—God, what happened?”
He finally breaks his gaze, looking down at his hands. “I was stupid. Drank too much. Took a bunch of Xanax with my whiskey.”
“Why?”
I’m terrified that he did it on purpose. I honestly don’t know what I’ll do if he’s suicidal. There’s only so much heartbreak I can take before I’m just done.
He shrugs. “I wasn’t thinking, Zoe. Everything just hurt so bad, and I wanted to make it numb, the way I used to.” He doesn’t say it, but his meaning is clear. Before you. “But the only problem was that the whiskey wasn’t working the way it used to. I felt worse, not better, once I started drinking. So when I remembered about Preston’s mom’s Xanax, I leapt at the chance.”
I jump back in the chair as if shocked. “Preston?” What on earth was he doing with Preston?
His expression turns guilty. “I know. I shouldn’t have gone there, Zoe. I was determined never to step foot in his house again. But I can’t stand the idea of being in my apartment anymore, not without you. And I knew he was having a party, knew I’d be able to get my hands on some booze.” He gives me a grim smile. “It was the first of many stupid decisions that night.”
“I can’t believe he let you in the house after what happened before.” I can still see Taylor’s hands pummeling Preston’s face. I shudder.
“He was pretty drunk too. But he realized I was looking for her pills and tried to talk me out of it. So that’s one plus for him. It doesn’t make up for anything, of course. He’s still a bastard.”
“But you still took one.”
He looks away again. “I brought the whole bottle back home with me. I started with one. When I still felt like shit, I took more.”
I make a pained noise. I can’t believe this. “How many?”
He looks uncomfortable. “I lost count. Like I said, I was pretty wasted by then.”
I close my eyes. “Taylor, I need you to tell me—were you trying to kill yourself? Was that your plan?”
“No, Zoe.” His voice is steady, firm. I can’t bring myself to look at his face, sure that I’ll see the lie there, but then I feel his hand envelop mine. “I swear, Zoe. I wasn’t trying to end it. I just wanted to make the pain stop, just for a while.”
I open my eyes and see that his gaze is once again steady on mine. I let out a shaky breath. I believe him.
“How did you get here?”
He grimaces, a look of absolute shame on his face. “Fred was with me. He pretty much wouldn’t leave me alone all week. Thank God. But I hate that he had to…that he found me…”
I squeeze his hand. “I’m just glad he was there.”
We’re both quiet for a minute. There’s so much I want to ask him, but I don’t want to push. “That was your dad?”
“Yeah. He came right home when he found out. Shocking, huh?”
“How are things?”
He looks down at our entwined fingers. “Surprisingly good. We said some stuff to each other that we should have said a long time ago. I think we might be okay.”
“That’s great, Taylor.”
He smiles sheepishly, that little-boy look I love so much back on his face. “Yeah. He kicked me out.”
“What?”
His smile grows. “Said he doesn’t want me that close to Mom. Funny, huh? I always thought that was my lot in life. That my punishment was that I had to tie myself to her, make sure she was getting up and eating every day. I thought I deserved to be trapped.”
“And now?”
He lifts one shoulder. “It might take me a while to let go of that guilt. But Dad says I need to do it elsewhere. He’s going to help me get a place, when I’m ready.”
“I’ll miss that place. But I think it’s an excellent idea.”
His eyes widen a little, and hope is plain on his face. “Does that mean you might have some interest in where I end up?”
And just like that, it’s there in front of me. The future that I want. Freedom. School. Taylor. Could I ever let go of the guilt that trapped me, prevented me from having those things? He said he was going to try to let go of his demons. Can I do the same?
“On my seventeenth birthday, I brought a group of girls home,” I say, my voice just above a whisper. “We had been to the movies and out to dinner and we were supposed to end with cake at my house. My mom had been planning it for ages.” I smile a little. “She loved baking. Really loved it.”
The next part is hard to get out. “We walked in and she wasn’t there, wasn’t in the living room or the kitchen. And there was no cake waiting for us. I walked into her bedroom and found her. She was naked on her bed, passed out, with vomit all over her.”
I squeeze my eyes shut. The image is so clear even after all this time.
“Some of the girls had followed me back, saw everything. They knew what we were looking at before I did. It wasn’t until we got to the hospital and the doctors started talking that I realized she had tried to kill herself.”
“God, Zoe, I’m so sorry.”
I shake my head. “Everything changed after that. All my friends looked at me differently. There were rumors about me at school, lots of gossip and joking. It was a nightmare. That’s when I hooked up with Ellie and her friends. They didn’t give a shit what other people said, and they had access to booze.” I smile a little. “I was mostly interested in the booze.”
“That can’t have been easy for you.”
I lower my eyes, not wanting to tell him just how bad it really was but knowing that I need to. “She came home with new medicine and new doctors, and I thought everything was going to be okay. Sometimes it was. Other times…”
I swallow, hearing her words in my head.
“When she was having a bad day, she would say t
hings to me. About how…how I ruined her life. How she couldn’t ever get the help she needed because she had to worry about me. That it was my fault that she tried to…that she did it to get away from me, and I had even ruined that by calling 911.”
I hear his sharp intake of breath, but I have to keep talking, have to get it out before he tries to comfort me.
“She’d eventually even out, and she’d be horrified, absolutely horrified by what she had said. Sometimes that was worse, actually. Because she’d cry so much and be so depressed. I was always so afraid, those times. That she’d be so sad she’d try again.” I take another deep breath. “I never really knew what was wrong with her. Still don’t, not really. It didn’t matter to me much. All I knew was that I had to help her, had to take care of her. If her condition was my fault it was the least I could do.”
“Please, stop.”
I finally look up and see tears in his eyes. “Come here.” He holds out his arms to me, and I sink into them. God, I’d missed him so much. Missed the way that this felt, the way that it calmed me and centered me and heightened everything in me all at the same time. Taylor hooks his hand behind my knees, nudging my legs up onto the bed. He breathes out a sigh of relief as he pulls my body tight to his chest.
“That’s better,” he whispers into my hair. “I’m sorry I interrupted you. I just needed you in my arms. And to tell you…God, Zoe. I’m sorry all of that happened to you. I’m sorry it happened to her.”
I nod against his chest. “Me too.”
“That day that you…when you left…” I hear the pain in his voice, and hold him tighter. “You said she wasn’t doing well. Is everything okay?”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “No. She’s here, Taylor. She’s been here since that morning. I got the call when you went into your room to chill out.”
“What do you mean she’s—” His voice cuts off. “Oh, God.”
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