by Max Frei
“Robbed?” I said. “Well, that sure is a bummer, but I’m not exactly the person to turn to. Robberies are the problem of our neighbors in the House by the Bridge. That’s actually why we keep them there. Oh, hold on a second. You don’t take kindly to our friendly policemen, do you? You probably didn’t even bother to report this to them. Am I right?”
“Sure I reported this to the rodents,” said Anday. “Actually I wanted to talk to you right away, but you weren’t here or in the House by the Bridge. I met Melamori there, and she told me exactly what you just did: that you Secret Investigators are too cool for everyday crimes, and that you’re not going to investigate some petty burglary. Now if someone were to steal His Majesty’s favorite hat from Rulx Castle, that would be a different matter. Then she took me over to the side with the rodents, to another girl. I forget her name, you know, she’s all like . . .” Anday’s eyes suddenly grew wide, and he ran his hands along the contours of his own tubby body.
I knew he was talking about Lady Kekki Tuotli: I hadn’t met any other curvaceous girls in the ranks of the City Police.
“Melamori did the right thing,” I said. “What happened then?”
“I told her everything, and she said she’d see what could be done about it,” said Anday. “But they still haven’t found anything. And I think, Max, that they’re not really looking. Who’s going to go out of their way looking for some old chest with my granddad’s stuff in it? I think they don’t catch that—”
“Hold that thought,” I said. “Are you telling me that the burglars stole some old chest? Sir Kofa told me that some burglars of the Capital are first-class imbeciles, but I didn’t believe him. Silly me. What was in the chest? Your grandpa’s pirate outfit?”
“So you know already,” said Anday.
“Huh? It was just a guess. Was I close?”
“The dinner is over! You totally catch, Max! That’s exactly what was in the chest. Well, maybe a few other things. I kept it in the basement of my house on the Street of Steep Roofs. The last time I opened it was when I was entering the Higher Institute, so I don’t remember exactly what was in it. I’m totally blank.”
“How did you notice it was gone then?” I said. He didn’t strike me as a fellow who does a routine inventory of his own basement.
“It wasn’t me. You know that I rent half my house to that pesky Pela family,” said Anday, wincing. “I had to give them a twenty-year lease some time ago when I ran out of those shiny round objects without which it’s not easy to relax. So they live there now, and I try to avoid going home because those plebeians are very noisy and they’re always cooking something.”
“Oh, dear,” said Tekki.
Anday sensed sincere understanding in Tekki’s tone. She had such an abhorrence of kitchen smells that she refused to have a cook in her tavern. In that sense, the Armstrong & Ella was a unique place in Echo: it served only kamra and alcohol, much to the chagrin of Echoers who loved to gobble. It seemed that most of them only came here with one objective: to make sure it still existed.
“You two just don’t get it,” I said. “It’s so nice when the smell of something frying wafts right under your nose.”
The two looked at me as though I were the devil. Finally Anday went on. “Eight days ago my tenants’ kids were playing in the basement. Those Pelas, they have tons of kids, you know. I can never count how many exactly. And they’re always playing!” This time Anday winced so violently it might have seemed the aforementioned children had been playing Kick the Can with their enemy’s head for a can. “They were playing hide-and-seek or some such game, and then they saw that there were two strangers in the basement. Two men in plain looxis. The kids got scared and decided to stay put in their hiding spot. They saw how the two men grabbed my grandfather’s chest and disappeared.”
“Did they go down the Dark Path?” I said.
“Who knows? That’s your department. I got an excellent education, but it was after the Epoch of Orders. I don’t catch all those ‘Dark Paths’ or whatever they are,” said Anday, “although that has a nice ring to it. The fact is, they took my grandfather’s chest with them, and now I figure maybe there was some hidden treasure in it.” His almond-shaped eyes shone when he said the word “treasure.”
“In any case, guys who can take the Dark Path are rarely complete imbeciles, that’s for sure,” I said. “You know, Anday, I’m intrigued. I’d like to dig through that old pirate chest myself. Anyway, what exactly do you want me to do about it? Drop everything and step on the trace of those thieves? Lady Kekki Tuotli is a good girl. I think she can handle this case without my help.”
“I just want you to remind her about my chest, Max,” Anday said. “Maybe the girl didn’t catch that she was supposed to find it? I wouldn’t bother with something like this if I were her. She probably thinks that the thieves did me a favor by hauling away some useless old junk free of charge.”
“No, I don’t think so. That ‘girl’ is not as flippant and frivolous as you might think. But I will remind her. Forgotten treasures of Ukumbian pirates, mysterious thieves going down the Dark Path—a lovely story. I’ll help you. Under one condition, though: once the police find your precious chest, you let me rummage around in it. I’ve always wanted to find some pirate’s treasure.”
“Thanks,” said Anday. “If you tell them it’s important, the rodents will turn the city upside down to find it.”
“How nice of you not to doubt my omnipotence,” I said. “Now, instead of sucking up to me, take me to the Three-Horned Moon. The shortest path to my heart is to drag me to some tavern.”
“Can you manage to sneak out from work tomorrow night? We usually gather there about three hours before midnight and stay late. Well, some of us, anyway.”
“I think I will. Sometimes my omnipotence knows no bounds. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t—you never know. Send me a call before you set out.”
“Max, I’m going to say something nasty now,” said Tekki.
“Tell me I’m late for work?” I said. She nodded. “Then I’m leaving him with you. As a present. A souvenir. And as my revenge. No one can expel me from a tavern and get away with it.”
“It’s not revenge, just another client,” said Tekki, smiling. “Don’t take it personally, Sir Pu. This vicious gentlemen only tyrannizes those he loves.”
I jumped off the barstool and shook Droopy, who had dozed off.
“Don’t forget about my chest,” said Anday.
“I won’t. And don’t you forget to take me to the Three-Horned Moon, or I’ll get furious and find the mysterious chest of Captain Kidd myself. And I’ll keep it.”
“Who’s Captain Kidd? My grandfather’s name was Zoxma Pu.”
The House by the Bridge wasn’t as full as it had been at noon, but it was still a fun place to be. I heard General Boboota’s epic roar as soon as I entered the hallway.
“Bull’s tits! I’ve got enough of my own crap in Echo without these crapshooters coming here from the rest of the World! It’s high time the Capital was a closed city. You just wait! I’m going to feed your own crap to you until you puke!”
To my surprise, the roaring came from our half of the Headquarters and not from Boboota’s natural habitat. I imagined walking into Juffin’s office and seeing General Boboota in his armchair. Then I imagined that Boboota was the Venerable Head of the Minor Secret Investigative Force. That’s how people go insane, I thought. Out of the blue, without warning—boom!—and the next thing you know is you start thinking some surrealistic thoughts.
For what it was worth, when I opened the door to the Hall of Common Labor, I felt like shutting my eyes and yelling “Geronimo!” like a paratrooper leaping down toward the unknown. I felt like I was diving into another dimension, some parallel universe where General Boboota Box was welcome in the Headquarters of the Minor Secret Investigative Force.
In reality, however, a true interdepartmental idyll reigned in the Hall of Common Labor. Sir Melifaro, dressed in a tu
rquoise looxi, was handing half a dozen frightened criminals over to the open arms of the infuriated General Boboota. Their exotic pantaloons testified to their foreign origin. The general put an enormous amount of effort into making the poor lost souls realize what the score was in the Capital. The door to Juffin’s office was ajar. The boss was enjoying the show.
The show, alas, was almost over. When he saw me, Boboota gave a nervous cough, shut up, and tried assuming the most intelligent expression he could pull off—a sight to behold. He should have noticed long time ago that I began spitting venom every time I heard obscenities, but bad habits die hard.
“Good evening, Sir Max,” Boboota said, almost whispering. I opened my mouth to return the everyday mantra of courtesy, but Droopy got ahead of me. He gave a single loud, ringing bark. Startled, General Boboota jumped to the ceiling, the arrestees squealed, and Melifaro fell in his chair, moaning: it all was too funny.
“Shush, boy. This is a serious establishment,” I said to my dog.
“Serious?” moaned Melifaro.
“Very, very serious,” I said with a stony face.
A moment later, we were alone. General Boboota preferred admiring me from afar. That way he felt safer. Melifaro stopped laughing and yawned.
“We were doing their job again,” he said. “Wasted a whole day chasing these fellows who had been terrorizing the Customs, along with chief officer Nulli Karif. Turned out they were regular thieves from abroad. It’s so not our profile. Had to share our finds with the neighbors, naturally.”
“What did they do?” I said.
“Nothing interesting, Max. Trust me.”
Sir Juffin finally left his office, sat down next to Melifaro, and began yawning demonstratively. A very convincing duo. I almost believed that they had lived through the most boring day in the entire history of the Secret Investigative Force.
“The fellows came all the way from Kirvaori,” said Juffin. “Their extravagant national customs were way too similar to the rituals of one ancient Order, so I thought that something extraordinary had happened. It’s my fault—I shouldn’t have listened to that chatterbox Nulli. Now all I need is some sleep. Nothing exhausts you more than doing someone else’s job well.”
“Sleep is good,” I said.
“I don’t need you to tell me that,” said Juffin. “Are you going to drag this beast along with you everywhere you go now? Kurush won’t approve. He’s used to being the only fauna in my office.”
“Actually, I just didn’t have time to take him home. I was running late when I realized it. I had a rough day myself. A whole bunch of people stacked their problems upon my muscular back. I even began to like it. Want me to do something for you, too?”
“I don’t. Just don’t wake me until noon, even if the sky falls, okay?”
“No problem. But if the sky falls, you’re going to wake up, what with the racket and all.”
“I’m a very sound sleeper,” said Juffin, who yawned once more, then left.
“I can take your dog home,” said Melifaro. “It’s almost on the way.”
“‘Almost’ being the operative word here,” I said. “Did it take you long to come up with a pretext to sneak into my royal chambers?”
“Not too long,” said Melifaro. “Praise be the Magicians, your house isn’t the most well-guarded place in the Unified Kingdom.”
“Precisely. Anyone can just walk into any of my houses without overloading his brain coming up with a believable pretext. Why would you even need a pretext, may I ask?”
“You may,” said my colleague. “First, it’s more fun that way. There must be some sort of storyline. I’ve always wanted to steal away your wife, and you’re turning that exciting undertaking into a mundane task, akin to going to the grocer’s.”
“Guilty as charged,” I said. “And what’s second?”
“Second, the upbringing of your beautiful queens from the Barren Lands is radically different from yours, unfortunately. Which is strange, if you think about it: you’re supposed to be their countryman. Anyway, unlike you, those ladies don’t think anyone can just ‘walk into’ your house. They’d rather deal with people who can explain what they’re doing in not so many words. Besides, they also need to like my explanation.”
“You know them so well already. Whenever did you have the time?”
“I didn’t,” said Melifaro in a sad voice. “Unlike you, those girls are dead serious about their marital status. You should really talk to them about it.”
“What exactly do you think I’m supposed to tell them? That you’re more handsome? Anyone can see that. Too handsome, I’d go so far as to say.”
Melifaro shrugged, paced the room, and sat on the window ledge. “I want them to know that you don’t consider yourself to be their legitimate husband,” he said. “You’ve already told this to everyone who’s reached puberty in the Unified Kingdom. Don’t you think Kenlex, Xeilax, and Xelvi should know, as well? It concerns them, too, after all. They are still under the impression that you’d reprimand them for flirting with other men.”
“Hmm. I didn’t think about that,” I said.
“Didn’t you?” said Melifaro. “Or did you think you’d keep them for yourself, for a rainy day, huh?”
“Yeah, when I’m old and nobody needs me. That’s when I’m going to remember about them. You’re so wise, Melifaro. Thanks for the advice. I wouldn’t have thought of it myself.”
Melifaro waved me away and laughed.
“You’re right,” I said. “The girls must know that they can live their lives however they wish. It’s only fair. So we’re going there together. Do you think people will find it strange that it takes two men to walk such a huge dog home?”
“Shame on you, Your Majesty!” said Melifaro. “Now you’re looking for a pretext for a visit to your own home.”
“Speak for yourself, mister,” I said. “If I’m looking for anything, it’s a pretext to shirk work and not feel too guilty about it. The little bureaucrat in me agrees that the House by the Bridge is no place to keep dogs. Now I have to explain to him why I can’t send Droopy home with you. Give me a minute and I’ll wear him down.”
“Are you seriously going to give your beautiful harem a speech?” said Melifaro. “Right now?”
“The sooner I do it, the better. And your presence is mandatory, just to get rid of you once and for all. Besides, I’m going to use your precious body as my armor. I’m a little scared of them, you know.”
“That’s funny,” said Melifaro. “You? Scared? Think of something better.”
“Where’s your famous clairvoyance now?” I said. “You were insightful enough to crack open the legend about my origin that Juffin and I had concocted on day one. Now you’re telling me you fail to see that I don’t know what to do with my hands or what to look at when I see those girls.”
Melifaro’s eyebrows shot up. Then he smiled and dismissed my words. “Oh, I see what you mean. Don’t worry about it. It’s hard to fool me about something really important, but under ordinary circumstances, I’m as clueless as the next guy. You should’ve guessed that by now. Remember when you came here with the face of that hot Lady Marilyn? I bought into her curly hair like a fool. Or do you think I was pretending?”
“I’m not sure. Maybe you thought it was more fun that way.”
“I could have,” said Melifaro.
I poked my head into Juffin’s office, where the wisest bird of this World was sitting on the back of the armchair, looking all-important. “Kurush, I’m going to step out for a while. You’re in charge.”
“Does your ‘for a while’ mean until morning?” said the buriwok.
“No, no. My ‘for a while’ means just what it says—for a while. It also means tons of pastry to boot.”
“Try not to forget,” he said in a sleepy voice.
Thank goodness reaching an agreement with that gluttonous wise guy was a piece of cake.
I motioned at Droopy, and all three of us left the Mini
stry of Perfect Public Order. Boy, do I love that place! Working there is like one big endless party. Still, I love to sneak out during my working hours from time to time. I guess it fits into my primitive notions of freedom.
My Furry House remained furry in all seasons. To my utter delight, the vines that grew along its walls from top to bottom were evergreen. I was thinking of settling in there for real someday—someday when the dark era of my conceptual reign over the people of Xenxa had come to an end. When no one would prevent me from fulfilling my most cherished desire: to throw out the window most of the bulky junk in the palace and retire the numerous servants—that was the first thing I’d do!
“If I understand it correctly,” said Melifaro, “you don’t show your face here at all? That’s too bad: all this beauty’s thrown away on the only barbarian in the city, one who can’t even appreciate it.”
“On the contrary, I appreciate this place and realize that it’s too good for me. Besides, there’s too much of it. I’d dissolve here like candy in the mouth. Maybe sometime later . . . You know that I barely spend any time in my place on the Street of Yellow Stones, and it’s only got two stories and six bedrooms.”
“When was the last time you were there?” said Melifaro. I wrinkled my forehead trying to remember. “Don’t answer. The jury has already reached the verdict. You have too much real estate and only one sorry butt, which, by the way, prefers the hard chairs in cheap taverns to luxury.” And with that, Melifaro stepped out of the amobiler.
Droopy followed him and jumped down on the sidewalk. He recognized his abode and exploded into enthusiastic barking. Unlike me, he felt at home here.
As soon as I stepped inside, I froze in disbelief: it seemed as though Melifaro and I had made a few circles around and returned to the House by the Bridge. In the doorway of the living room stood Sir Kofa Yox and Lady Kekki Tuotli. Kekki was waving around her thin silvery gloves, anxious to put them on and walk outside.
“Has my humble abode turned into a branch of the Ministry of Perfect Public Order?” I said. “Where’s my dog going to live? Droopy needs comfort. He’s a royal dog, after all.”
