by Pieter Lars
“OK. I’m going to get to work. Want to eat in the breakroom today? I don’t really want to go outside.”
She grinned. “Sounds good! I made an extra sandwich just in case you’d say that.”
He smiled. “I’m a lucky guy!”
He took two calls, and both customers decided they wanted to keep shopping around, see if they couldn’t find lower rates. So it looked like Tom would be eating ramen again at the end of the month, unless he could close a deal that afternoon.
On a whim, he opened his internet browser and went to the NEA website, thinking he would check to see if any new forecasts had come out, other than the one about the upcoming flood. A big banner at the top read:
The National Eschatological Agency is Hiring! If you are interested in an exciting career with the NEA, click the link to fill out the screening questionnaire!
Tom clicked the link, and the questionnaire opened right up.
The first question read:
1. What is your favorite movie?
a) A Clockwork Orange
b) Blade Runner
c) The Land Before Time
d) Mamma Mia!
e) Other [Please specify]
This was unexpected. Those were some strange choices. Toms’ favorite movie was Mad Max: Fury Road, so he chose ‘e’ and typed it in. Then he spent a few minutes wondering how he could talk Samantha into watching it with him again.
The second question read:
2. How many countries have you visited in your life?
a) 1
b) 2-5
c) 6-12
d) 13-20
e) 20+
Tom chose ‘a’ and spent a few minutes wondering why he’d never been out of the country. He’d always dreamed of backpacking through Nepal, or taking a train through Siberia. He didn’t exactly have a lot of extra money, it was true, but if he really wanted to do it he could have found a way. Maybe cancelled his cable or something.
Was he really so boring that he was content living in a condo and selling insurance the rest of his life? Thinking about it made him depressed, so he went on to the next question:
3. Do you have any experience with particle physics?
a) Yes
b) No
Tom clicked “No,” obviously.
4. Do you have any experience with anti-matter, particle accelerators, or string theory?
a) Yes
b) No
Again, Tom clicked “No.” He almost clicked the window closed. It was obvious they weren’t looking to hire someone like him but, on a whim, he clicked through.
5. Do you sometimes feel dissatisfied with your life, or the current state of the world?
a) Yes
b) No
After a moment’s hesitation, he clicked “Yes.”
6. Have you ever handled a firearm?
a) Yes
b) No
Tom clicked “Yes,” remembering the summers he had spent with his grandfather on the family ranch outside Flagstaff. His grandfather had been what’s now known as a prepper, and had about fifty different guns. He’d built a bunker on his property, with enough food and water and medicine to last a family of four for two years.
Sadly, when his grandfather died, Tom’s mother had sold the property, and everything in (and under) it. It was a pity. His grandfather would have loved the current state of the world. There had been about a thousand paperback mystery novels in the bunker, along with classic Western blu-rays and bluegrass records.
Tom imagined it might have been pretty nice to spend a couple years down there with his grandfather, not having to worry about finances or what might try to eat you the next week.
7. Have you ever had an out-of-body experience?
a) Yes
b) No
Tom answered ‘No.” He’d had some weird dreams, but that was about it.
8) Have you ever been abducted by extraterrestrials, cryptids, evil spirits, vampires, werewolves, international terrorists, a pack of wild dogs, evil cultists, space cultists, new-age cultists, new-age hippies, members of a commune, members of a vegan commune, a shaman during an ayahuasca ceremony, Eastern European spies, Eastern European separatists, ghost pirates, molemen, strange black obelisks, Elvis or Elvis impersonators, German nihilists, or any sort of henchman?
a) Yes
b) No
Tom clicked “No” and the next screen read:
Thank you for participating in our screening survey! In order to keep this screening process fair and impartial, please do not share these questions with anyone else.
We will know if you do.
You will be notified if you have been selected to proceed to the next phase. Have a nice day!
Tom was sure he hadn’t entered his name or any of his contact information, so he didn’t know how they would contact him, but it sure seemed like they had their ways. Hell, if a delivery drone could scan their faces and deliver a package (albeit slightly inaccurately) then the government could sure find him if they wanted.
He spent a few minutes second-guessing some of his answers, and then Samantha poked her head in and said, “Lunch time!”
13
Blood Rain
The galoshes were pretty nice. He hadn’t used them much last week, but they sure came in handy this week. The rain had let up for an hour or so, just in time for his morning commute, but the gutters were running full and everything outside was covered with a slick red sheen.
The NEA package this week had come with a week’s supply of bottled water. There was a note inside the box that read:
We regret to inform you that, due to last week’s frog infestation, our water treatment plants have been overloaded. Requests for additional water rations will be considered on a case-by-case basis.
Tom wondered what he was going to eat if he couldn’t cook his ramen, but then he dug deeper into the box and found a stack of pre-packaged meals. One of them was labeled ‘Japanese Noodles - Shrimp Flavor!’
That was when he knew he would survive.
On his drive to work a radio announcer was reporting that there was a scientific consensus that the rain wasn’t actually blood, but some sort of airborne microalgae. Someone called in to argue that it sure tasted like blood, congealed like blood, and claimed he had seen Red Cross vans in his city outfitted with big funnels, collecting the rain into transfusion bags.
Everyone at the office was looking a little disheveled. Nobody had showered. There was no way they were going to use their meager water rations for anything other than drinking. Samantha was walking around the office, offering everyone bottles of dry shampoo and wet-wipes.
“Nice hair,” she said to him with a wink.
Tom brushed his hand over his various cowlicks. “Thanks. I feel like Sid Vicious. The bed-head look is still in, right?”
“If not, you’re gonna’ bring it back!” She made a sultry little rawr sound.
Tom laughed. “OK. I’m heading to my-”
He was interrupted by Mr. Phillips storming in through the front door. Phillips was wearing a new gray suit, but his face and hands were stained brownish red.
“Somebody help me!” Phillips shouted. “I forgot about the water and jumped in the shower! I have a meeting with corporate in an hour, but my hair’s all flaky with dried blood!”
Grossman walked by and gave Phillips a pat on the shoulder. “Hey, look on the bright side! Now you can’t see all the gray!”
Phillips glared at him and started to sputter.
“Here, boss,” Samantha said, holding out a package of wipes.
“You’re a lifesaver, Samantha! Remind me to to schedule your performance review.” Phillips hurried off to the bathroom.
Samantha rolled her eyes.
“Could be a raise,” Tom said, lifting his eyebrows.
“Yeah, right,” she scoffed. “That’ll be the day.”
The two Goons from corporate looked like they could be clones of Mr. Phillips. Even the woman was wea
ring a similar gray suit, neatly pressed, with only the slightest dusting of blood splatter on the pant cuffs. Both of them had the standard fake plastic smiles, all teeth and no warmth.
Tom had known their names once, back when he had been a bit more ambitious. He’d once thought he might shoot for a job in the downtown office. But then it turned out he wasn’t much of a salesman. His only real talents, as far as he knew, were an encyclopedic knowledge of cinema, and an uncanny knack for picking the longest line at the grocery store. Those sorts of things weren’t in high demand in the fast-paced world of corporate insurance.
Tom was eating one of the NEA meals in the breakroom - turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sauce - when the Goons entered, trailed by Mr. Phillips and Grossman. Tom was a bit irritated to see that Grossman seemed to have been included in their meeting. He wasn’t sure why, but it made him feel jealous. Grossman was the sleaziest person Tom knew. If he was the kind of guy they wanted up in corporate then it definitely wasn’t the place for Tom.
Grossman and Phillips stood by the water cooler - the kind where you had the bottles delivered, so it hadn’t turned to blood - filling tiny paper cups and handing them to the corporate Goons.
“Too bad all that rain couldn’t have turned to wine instead, eh?” Grossman tilted his head back and laughed loudly. He was always the first to laugh at his own jokes, and always the loudest.
The two Goons gave him little courtesy chuckles, and Phillips joined in because he didn’t like to be left out.
Grossman kept laughing and the Goons gave each other looks that said, is this guy serious? When can we leave?
“You know, like in the Bib-” Grossman continued.
“Yes, Grossman,” Phillips said tersely, trying to give Grossman some kind of hint. “We get the reference.”
Maybe one of the Goons was a teetotaler. Tom had no idea, but it was fun to watch Grossman make a fool of himself.
Grossman stopped laughing, looked at Phillips and the Goons, looked at Tom, then cleared his throat.
The female Goon in the gray suit looked around, suddenly realizing that Tom was in the room. She gave him a pleasant smile that didn’t reach her eyes. Tom gave her one back. She looked at Phillips, like maybe she was expecting an introduction.
Phillips gestured at Tom and said, “That’s Tom, another one of our support staff.”
Both Goons looked over and gave Tom polite nods. The kind that aristocrats gave to their servants when the servants had the gall to stand somewhere they could be seen. Tom tossed the rest of his NEA meal in the trash and stood, his appetite suddenly diminished.
He left the break room without making eye contact and sat back down in his office. He loosened his tie, put his elbows on his desk and put his head in his hands. The blood rain had started up again. Spatters hit his window and ran down the glass in red rivulets. The light shining through gave his office an ominous glow.
He was definitely calling in sick tomorrow.
His email chimed and he clicked it open to read:
To:”[email protected]”
From:”[email protected]”
Subject: Your Survey Results
Hello Mr. Brown,
We are pleased to inform you that, based on your answers to our pre-pre-qualifying, screening, preliminary employment questionnaire, you have advanced to the next round!
We understand how happy this might make you, as our agency is consistently rated in the top 100 national employers. We sincerely hope that you advance throughout the subsequent rounds and earn a place within our ranks!
That said, we urge you to consider that the National Eschatological Agency hires only 0.001% of our applicants. But it is our sincerest hope is that you pass each evaluation and advance to the final Field Training exams, ultimately to join our roster of valued employees.
Best wishes, and good luck!
-Your NEA Recruitment Team
*You will receive the link to the next screening questionnaire in a follow-up email. Please add “[email protected]” to your trusted email list to avoid having the email go to SPAM.
Tom took a deep breath and let it out slowly. The tension in his shoulders faded just a smidge, and he gave a slight smile.
This could be an opportunity. What if he passed the next evaluation survey, and the next, and then passed the Field Training? What was the Field Training? A boot camp? Would he get to live in an actual barracks and wear a uniform? Did the NEA use guns?
Tom got a little twinge of hesitance at the thought of having to battle some of the upcoming apocalypses. He sort of preferred merely avoiding them. But what if he got to try out cool new equipment? What if he got to help develop new equipment!?
He printed out the email and rushed down the hall to show it to Samantha. He might be able to quit this stupid job after all…
Author’s Note
I hope you liked reading this! I had a blast writing it. Season Two is already available for pre-order:
Check it out!
In the next episodes you’ll see Samantha and Tom’s relationship develop a bit more. The crazy little drone makes another appearance (with upgrades), and Tom starts to think a bit about the underlying cause of his (and the world’s) weekly miseries.
By the time you’re reading this I should be chugging through Season Three! If you’re enjoying the series, I would love it if you left me a review! Or, if you prefer, feel free to leave me a note on Facebook, or shoot me an email at [email protected]. I would love to hear from you, and hear any ideas you might have for future apocalypses.
If you’re interested in hearing from me directly via the occasional email, please join my mailing list. I will send out notices for upcoming books, and maybe some future promotions.
Mailing List Signup
My website has a list of my current projects, with estimated release dates. I hope you’ll find something else that interests you. Right now, my projects are pretty eclectic. They say write what you love to read, and I love to read (and write) all kinds of different things! At the same time though, if I hear from enough readers that want me to focus on a specific world or project, I might focus my efforts a bit. But I promise I won’t leave any projects unfinished, so don’t worry.
Talk to you soon!
-Pieter
www.pieterlars.com
Acknowledgments
My wife, Hilary, deserves an incredible amount of credit for motivating me to not only finish some projects, but to start pursuing my dream of selling those projects.
My friend, Tyson, deserves a ton of credit as well. Half of my projects were a result of road-trip brainstorming sessions, or whiskey nights. Someday I will convince him to get some of his own stuff out there, because he’s a fantastic writer.
My dad, Krin, has always encouraged me and is always eager to be an early reader.
My Clarion classmates (UCSD 2013) are a constant source of hilarity and encouragement. They are some of the smartest and most creative people I know, and I hope to make them proud.
Awesome Books
I read a ton. Here are some books I have particularly enjoyed recently:
John L. Monk’s Jenkins Cycle
Brandon Barr’s Her Dangerous Visions
John Langan’s The Fisherman
Jessica Cluess’ A Shadow Bright and Burning
Kevin Sands’ The Blackthorn Key
Fiona Lexus’ Emily Uncensored Series
That list is pretty eclectic, but those books hit all the right notes for me, and will probably give you a good sense of where my tastes lie, and the kind of writer I want to be.
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