by Tillie Cole
The feeling of the sofa dipping beside me snapped me from my thoughts. Judah sat beside me. He was holding the remote in his hands, the TV screen was fuzzy, waiting to show me whatever Judah had brought.
“What is this, brother?” I asked. Judah’s happy grin spread back on his face.
“Your choices,” Judah answered cryptically, and pressed ‘play’ on the remote. At first I did not know what I was looking at, it was outside, somewhere in the commune. The amateur-looking tape then cut to a cream wall, perhaps the wall of the people’s accommodations?
I motioned to Judah with my hand, about to ask him to explain what this was, when suddenly the image of child came onto the screen. She couldn’t have been more than eight years old. But that wasn’t what had me fighting back nausea. No, it belonged to the fact that she was naked, but for flowered garlands in her hair. And she was dancing. Dancing to some tinny sounding seductive music playing in the background. And she was shaking. Her tiny body was shaking as a voice—that I recognized as Brother Luke’s—told her to dance for her Prophet. The girl tried to move to the beat, but fear made her movements jerky and out of time.
My chest tightened so much that it rendered me unable to speak. Then Judah elbowed me in my side. I glanced to my left to see my brother watching the screen, his teeth grazing over his bottom lip.
He was a stranger to me at that moment.
“What do you think, brother? You could take her as a wife, or a consort. She is about to reach the age of her awakening.
“Her awakening?” I questioned.
Judah nodded his head and paused the video, the frozen screenshot landing on the little girl’s face. Her terrified face, her eyes wide and face pale.
“Brother Luke has taught me all about Uncle David’s ways. And one is a female’s awakening. The day she becomes a woman in the eyes of our faith, a vessel for our men’s celestial meditations.”
This time vomit did creep to my throat, but I pushed it down to rasp. “There is nothing of that in our scriptures.”
“Our uncle talked of new revelations by the Lord in his sermons to the people. Not everything was recorded officially, just in his private letters, therefore it did not reach us in Utah.” Judah sat forward, excitement radiating from his body. “There is so much we did not know. So much I am learning from Brother Luke, and the other disciples. The Lord has blessed us with much, Cain. More than I ever expected.”
Judah flicked on the screen and that awful music began playing, but I could not look up.
“If the last was not to your pleasing, there are many more. How about this one?” I looked up to see an older girl, more developed, dancing seductively. And unlike the small child, her eyes were confident, her bare body moving slowly to the beat. She could not have been more than fourteen.
Fourteen.
A child.
Judah began flicking through the DVD, tens and tens of naked children dancing for the camera. And the more images came on the screen, the more excited Judah became. I could see him shift on his seat as his eyes bored into the screen.
I closed my eyes as I tried to calm my heart, when suddenly, a conversation held with Mae shot into my brain. When I had tried to make her stay with me in commune. The fear on her face should have made me believe her, but I thought that she was lying, wanting to return to Styx… but what if…
“Have you ever been part of a Lord’s sharing? Have you ever seen an eight-year-old girl raped, her legs pried apart by a bear trap because she was too scared to understand what was happening to her? Have you ever forced yourself inside a child, Cain, because you believe it will help you get closer to God and because the prophet deemed it so? Well, have you?”
I froze.
“Well?” Mae pushed.
“Did that happen to you? Here?” I asked, the thought of Mae being taken as a child causing me to see red. “Mae! Answer me! Were you… taken as a child… like… that?”
Mae’s eyes filled with tears and she nodded her head. “Are you telling me you have never been in a brother-sister exchange?” she asked again, this time in disbelief.
I dropped my head, unable to meet her eyes. “I am the heir. I remain pure,” I informed. I had been locked away my whole life. I had no real idea what happened at the commune, under my Uncle’s rule…
Anger infused my muscles, and as Judah elbowed me again to look at that damn screen, I jumped to my feet and screamed, “FUCK!”
My hands raked through my long hair and Judah got to his feet. At the movement I stared him down. “What the fuck is this, Judah? They are kids! Tiny kids and teenagers dancing for me to choose? You think I want a kid? You think I want to fuck a kid?”
Judah’s face blanked at my outburst, as I forced myself to calm down. Taking a deep breath, I walked to the screen and switched off the TV. The silence that filled the room was deafening. I could hear the harsh sounds of my breathing. Finally, gaining some composure, I faced Judah.
“You think this is okay? To rape children at age eight?”
Judah’s eyebrows pulled down in confusion. “It is the Lord’s will.”
I shook my head. “I do not think that the Lord willed children to be taken this way, brother. It’s barbaric!”
Then shock filled my every cell when Judah’s jaw clenched and his face hardened. “Older men married young women in the bible. This isn’t news to you, brother.”
Squaring my shoulders, I stepped forward and said, “Have you taken a child in the Lord’s Sharing? I know you attend them, but have you done… that?”
Judah tipped his chin, showing an heir of pride. “I have already schooled four through their awakenings.”
Feeling as though I had been punched in my stomach, I whispered, “No…”
“In fact,” Judah said boldly, “I have already picked a child to be my next consort when she is of age. She is so beautiful, so beautiful that for a while I feared she was another Cursed. But I am quite sure she is not.”
I stared at my brother, and for the first time in our lives I disliked him. I knew Judah was becoming enraptured with this life, and I knew he was growing closer to Brother Luke. But I did not realize just how close. I did not realize that the areas of my leadership Judah controlled were indulging in child rape.
“And your recent consort,” I asked, my voice breaking with a mix of anger and disgust. “How old is she?”
Judah glared at me, his brown eyes heated. “She is of age by our people’s standards, Cain. Do not concern yourself with that.”
“I wish to meet her,” I instructed, and Judah’s heated eyes flared.
“In time, brother,” he announced in return.
Our gazes stayed locked, a war of wills, when eventually I lowered my eyes and waved my hand. “Take the videos and the TV, and leave. I wish to be alone.”
Judah tensed, but did as I asked. I walked to the open fire, and stared into the flames, listening to him packing everything away. As I heard him wheeling the TV out of the room, I suddenly asked, “When you tried Delilah, the Cursed, did you adhere to our scripture? Were her punishments in accord with what we preach?”
Judah’s responding silence caused me to lift my head and seek him out. He was staring at me, face impassive. Then seeing me watching, he smiled and said, “Of course, brother. It was all by the book.”
As Judah left the room, I exhaled in relief that what Phebe had said about his treatment of Delilah was wrong. Then the returning nausea slammed in my gut thinking of those videos.
My back hit the wall. I slumped down until I hit the floor. The practice disgusted me, was totally abhorrent, but according to Judah it was my people’s way. It was a revealed message from the Lord to my uncle. Closing my eyes I sent a prayer to the Lord to send me a message, to council me on what to do. Then I thought of Mae again, and her words. And I now knew she had not lied. No. She had been taken as a child, her innocence stolen by a brother of The Order.
She hadn’t lied to me at all.
Chapter F
ifteen
Maddie
Three days later…
Pressing my pencil to the edge of the paper, I pulled it back and took a long deep breath. It was perfect. This picture, this picture of us embracing, how I dreamed we could one day be, was straight from my mind. It was poured onto the page from my soul.
It was utterly perfect to me.
Tears welled in my eyes as I stared at the sketch. It was a war inside my heart. On one hand I wanted what it showed with every inch of my being, but on the other, it scared me more than anything else on Earth ever could.
Because over the last three days my thoughts towards Flame had changed. They had intensified. And I was thinking things I thought would never enter my head. Sleeping beside him each night, caring for him, talking to him, it had switched on something within.
It had opened my heart.
Hearing the door to the bathroom open, I abruptly shut the sketchpad. I placed it beside me at the fire and looked up. Flame was leaving the bathroom, dressed in his leather pants and cut. And just at the sight of him, looking healthy and strong once more, made my heart race.
Flame’s eyes immediately locked on mine and he walked forward, stopping just before me. I looked up and got to my feet. “Are you ready?” I asked and waited for his response.
Flame’s eyes darted to the front door, then back to me. “Yeah,” he replied, but his voice was graveled and unsure.
“You will be fine, Flame. And your friends have been waiting to see you. You are well now, and you need to go outside.”
Flame’s head dropped. I could not help but stare at his wide chest, at the colorful pictures staring back at me. Especially the bright orange flames climbing his neck.
Smiling in support, I walked toward the door, when I noticed Flame had not followed. Turning round, I noticed his focus was on the door behind me.
“Flame? Are you okay?” I asked.
Flame’s eyes had grown larger—a sign he was upset. “When we walk out of that door, will you be going back to Styx’s house?”
My stomach fell at the thought of leaving him.
“Maddie?” Flame asked again. From my position I saw Flame’s hands clenching into fists, then he rasped, “I don’t want you to leave me.”
The gruff timbre of his voice sent shivers of sadness shooting down my spine. But then as his confession seeped into my bones, hope sprung in my chest.
He wanted me to stay.
I stayed silent, trying to rein in these new feelings overwhelming my senses, when he called my name again. “Maddie?”
This time his voice had lowered in pitch, a sign that he was sad, defeated… losing hope.
Inhaling a deep breath, I raised my head and nervously confessed, “I do not want to leave either.”
Flame’s nostrils flared and he inched closer until, with too deep of a breath, our chests would brush. Flame stilled. I stilled. And I worked on fighting the heat suddenly roaring through my body.
“Then you’ll come back here. To me,” he said with finality.
I felt a smile tugging on my lips, and I replied, “Yes. I want to see my sisters. I have not seen them for days, but… but I will return, here. To you.”
From the corner of my eye, I caught Flame’s fingers tense, and his eyes closed. I knew what these movements meant, and every time he did them, I simultaneously felt paralyzed with fear, and intoxicated with anticipation. For I knew this was Flame fighting his urge to touch me. I often wondered what he saw in his mind? Was it like my sketches—innocent and sweet? Or was it more? Was it like when a man takes a woman?
I waited for the devastation those thoughts would bring. Of being taken in such a way by a man. But it did not render me motionless, like I feared. Instead it… it… warmed me.
Lifting my gaze, it was to see Flame watching me. Needing to gain composure and inhale fresh air, I stepped away and to the door. Bright light filled the room as the door opened, and a warm breeze swept across my face.
And I smelled the trees.
I heard the rustling of the leaves.
I felt the hot sun on my cheeks.
Flame stood behind me, his large protective frame filling me with peace.
“Flame! Fuck!”
A voice from our left pulled our attention. Striding across the clearing toward Flame’s cabin was AK. “Vike! Get the fuck out here now!” he shouted over his shoulder.
The door of the middle cabin then burst open, and a half dressed Viking rushed out. His long red hair was wet and hanging loose, and his leathers were unfastened. But as he ran toward Flame barefooted, his state of undress did not upset me, because the look of pure relief when he viewed his brother, almost brought me to my knees.
He was loved.
I wondered if he knew that these two men would do anything for him? I wondered if he understood that he had never really been alone?
AK came to a stop in front of Flame and I, Viking stopping just behind. AK ran his hand through his hair and rasped, “Fuck, man, we thought we’d lost you.”
I glanced up and Flame stared at them blankly. AK and Viking did not seem perturbed by this. Viking studied Flame head to toe. “You okay, brother? You feeling good?”
“Yeah,” Flame answered and Viking’s lip hooked into a smirk.
“Hell, man! It’s fucking good to have you back. Nothing’s been the same with you down. Me and AK have had to go on runs, just me and him, and it was fucking boring without you there to scare the fuck outta folk. AK’s too much of a fucking pussy to make folks piss themselves on sight. It’ll be good to have y’all back.”
Flame nodded his head, and AK said, “We got church soon. You coming? All the brothers wanna see you.”
Flame’s eyes flashed to mine. I could see his teeth grazing over the piercing in his tongue. He was anxious.
“I am going to my sisters. I shall wait for your return with them.”
Flame exhaled and said, “I’ll walk you up.”
Blushing under the heavy weight of Flame’s piercing eyes, I turned to walk away, when Viking called, “Little One?”
I turned knowing it was the name he used for me. He flicked his chin and said, “Don’t know what you did. Don’t really fucking care, but you brought him back from fuck knows where, and for that, you have our gratitude for life. You hear?”
Quickly nodding, I turned to walk to the line of trees. Flame walked beside me, and I asked, “Are you happy to see your friends?”
Flame kept his eyes straight forward, and answered, “Yeah.”
I frowned knowing he was thinking something else.
“What else are you thinking?” I asked.
Flame, without hesitation, replied, “That I would rather be in the cabin sitting near the fire, with you.” My heart leapt in my chest, when he added, “You draw and I like to watch you. I like you being near me. It’s better than standing under your window. I like being able to see you up close.”
I had not realized I had stopped walking until Flame stopped and looked behind. When midnight eyes fell on me, I felt my body tremble. I was so confused with the feelings accosting my body. I did not understand what was happening to me, and it scared me. But listening to Flame confess his thoughts to me, floored me.
“Why’ve we stopped?” Flame asked, and I could see his hands running over the handle of his blade at his side.
Forcing my feet to keep moving, I fought back the smile gracing my lips. “Sorry, I needed to catch my breath,” I answered as Flame fell into step beside me. As we walked up the hill, a question came to mind. “Flame?”
“Yeah,” he replied.
“I know that you like to sharpen your blades, but what else do you like to do?”
“I don’t understand?” he said quietly.
“I draw, and that makes me happy. I was wondering what makes you happy?”
I watched Flame’s face as his eyes flitted from side to side, when he said, “I watch you.”
Heat infused my body, and I whispered, �
�That is what makes you happy? To watch me? Does it not bore you? I am asking what makes you happy? What you like doing most?”
Flame shook his head, then his eyes that I adored so much, met mine. “Being near you. Seeing you.” I swallowed as his answer kept me frozen to the ground, and he looked from side to side again. “We’ve stopped again.”
This time, the responding smile on my lips could not be held be back. “I know. Let us go,” I said and felt his words play in every one of my steps, in every breath I took as we approached Mae and Styx’s cabin. Being near you. Seeing you…
Voices sounded up ahead, and as I broke through the trees to Mae’s house, Mae, Lilah, Beauty, Letti and Sarai were sitting out in the garden. When they saw me approach, Mae and Lilah jumped up from their seats.
“Maddie!” Mae exclaimed in relief, and running toward me, wrapped me in her arms. She pushed me back and roved her eyes over my body. “Are you okay? Is everything fine?” Her eyes snapped to Flame who was standing rigidly beside me.
Ducking my head, feeling my cheeks heat, I replied, “I am well.”
A new set of hands wrapped around me and I knew it was Lilah, I recognized the scent of her hair. “Sister,” she murmured, “I have missed you.”
Lilah pulled back and smiled, her mouth slightly higher on one side due to her scar. Lilah’s gaze then went to Flame. “Flame. Are you feeling better?”
“Yeah.” I glanced to Flame whose eyes were fixed on me. Beauty and Letti stood behind Lilah. Beauty addressed Flame. “Damn good to have you back, Flame. Been quiet ‘round here without you.”
Flame did not reply, and Beauty, seeming to not expect one, waved to me. “Hey, Madds. Nice to see ya, darlin’.”
I smiled at her and Letti who flicked her chin at me from behind her best friend. Next, I looked to the only occupied seat and saw Sarai watching me.
“Good morning, Sarai,” I greeted and she smiled.
“Hello, Maddie. It is nice to see you again.” She looked better, I thought. And I was glad. She was so young. So innocent.
