Frankie Fish and the Sister Shemozzle

by Helliar Peter

  ‘Is this how smart people feel all the time?’ he wondered aloud.

  ‘Maybe we are actually geniuses but we just don’t know it yet,’ mused Drew.

  Frankie grinned at his best friend and banged twice on the large wooden door.

  The door was opened by none other than that annoying brat, Alexi, which thrilled not one of the visitors. ‘Oh, cripes,’ Grandad muttered.

  ‘What may I do for you, peasants?’ Alexi asked snootily, looking up at them with his best I’m-Much-Older-And-Smarter-Than-You face.

  The padlock buzzed to translate, but before anyone could answer, Cosmas arrived and swatted away Alexi. ‘How many times do you have to be told to scram?’ he said, glaring at him. Then he turned to Grandad, Frankie and Drew. ‘Ah, we meet again!’

  ‘We have returned to answer yer riddle,’ Grandad announced proudly. ‘My clever grandson here has worked it out.’

  Frankie beamed. He wasn’t used to being called clever.

  ‘Oh, really?’ Cosmas responded. ‘And which riddle do you speak of? I’ve met many people, and given them many riddles.’

  Frankie piped nervously. ‘What is the time?’

  Cosmas looked up at the morning sun. ‘It is just past the hour of six,’ he said.

  ‘No, that’s not what I meant,’ Frankie said, his throat tightening with nerves. Suddenly he wasn’t so sure he was right after all. What if he was wrong and they never saw Lou again?!

  ‘That’s the answer to your riddle,’ he gulped. ‘The question that you can ask all day and get a different answer each time, but each one will still be correct …?’

  Cosmas smirked at him, and let the answer hang in the air. ‘Well done!’ he said finally, and Frankie felt a rush of relief. ‘BUT,’ Cosmas went on, ‘we are not admitting any visitors today. Come back tomorrow.’ He began to shut the heavy door.

  Frankie and Drew looked at each other in horror. ‘What?!’ they cried together.

  But just as the door was scraping closed, Grandad yelled, ‘Sir! I have a riddle for ye!’

  The door opened again and Cosmas looked out, his eyes bright with interest. ‘A riddle for me? Is it a nice, challenging one?’

  ‘Oh, yes,’ said Grandad. ‘Very challenging.’ Frankie could see from his face that Grandad was desperately trying to think of something very smart and difficult to ask. ‘Ah … Why did the chicken cross the road?’ he said eventually.

  Frankie groaned inwardly. That wasn’t even a riddle! But to his surprise, Cosmas looked intrigued. He stepped out of the doorway, caressing his cloud beard as he thought.

  ‘Hmm, why did the chicken cross the road?’ he mused. ‘What a strange but interesting riddle! And one I’ve never heard before.’

  As the old philosopher began pacing, Grandad shot Frankie and Drew a look and jerked his head towards the door.

  Frankie and Drew understood instantly. As soon as the old man had turned away, Frankie grabbed the suitcase and translating padlock; then he and Drew darted through the door and into the Academy.

  Frankie hoped desperately that the next riddle was more straightforward: was Lou Fish here or not?

  CHAPTER 11

  WHERE IN THE WORLD iS LOUiCLES FISHTOS?

  Once they’d sneaked inside the Academy, Frankie and Drew found themselves in a long and very elegant corridor. Bearded men in robes wandered about, flinging their arms around as they had serious, in-depth conversations. Frankie scanned each and every one of them, but couldn’t see Lou anywhere.

  ‘I know it’s been a while since she left our timeline, but I’m pretty sure Lou doesn’t have a beard,’ quipped Drew Bird, gazing around.

  Frankie snorted. ‘Maybe we should ask someone if they’ve seen her?’ But none of the adults looked particularly approachable. Through an archway Frankie spotted an inner courtyard garden, in which other bearded men were exercising. Lou didn’t seem to be out there either.

  Looking around, Frankie realised there was only one person there who wasn’t busy talking or exercising: Alexi, who was running around and jumping over plants in the courtyard, occasionally being hushed by the ultra-serious adults. Apart from Drew and Frankie, he was the only kid there.

  Drew followed Frankie’s gaze and shook his head. ‘No way, Frankie – anyone but that kid. He’s so annoying, he makes Lisa Chadwick look like a saint! Are we really that desperate?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Frankie determinedly. ‘We ARE that desperate.’

  Frankie walked into the courtyard, followed by Drew. They approached Alexi just as he completed a tumble over a stone bench and landed face-first on the ground.

  ‘Hi, Alexi,’ said Frankie.

  ‘Oh. Hello,’ replied Alexi, embarrassed. ‘I assure you that movement was intentional. I’m training to be the, er, God of Special Landings.’ He jumped up and dusted off his toga. ‘What are you doing here? They never normally let peasants in,’ he added rudely.

  Frankie gritted his teeth, deciding to ignore the insult. ‘We need your help,’ he said tightly. ‘We’re looking for my older sister, Lou Fish?’

  ‘Strange name,’ Alexi commented.

  ‘Well, her full name is, er, Louicles Fishtos,’ Drew added in an attempt to make Lou sound more Greek.

  Alexi’s eyes suddenly widened. ‘Does Louicles Fishtos’s nose have freckles on it and is her hair way lighter than anyone else’s around here?’

  Frankie nodded excitedly. ‘Yes, that sounds like Lou.’

  ‘And she wears a fake beard?’ enquired Alexi.

  ‘Well, not generally,’ said Frankie. But could she be wearing one to blend in at the Academy? Lou’s homemade Halloween costumes were always really good. ‘But yes,’ he added. ‘I think she probably is wearing a fake beard.’

  ‘Then I know her,’ said Alexi. ‘She arrived about a month ago.’

  Frankie and Drew couldn’t help it: they cheered. ‘I knew it!’ Frankie said, relieved, and Drew pumped his fist into the air. ‘Can you get –?’

  But his next question was drowned out by an even louder cheer and the sound of applause coming from a corner of the garden. They glanced over and saw that three men had been taking part in a shot-put contest.

  ‘People come here to exercise their bodies as well as their brains,’ explained Alexi.

  Frankie couldn’t care less at that moment. ‘Can you get Lou for us?’ he asked eagerly. ‘We really need to talk to her.’

  He was already mentally counting the minutes until they were home again, safe and sound – possibly after a quick celebratory trip to the Olympics, if Grandad would let them.

  ‘Oh, she is no longer with us,’ Alexi declared nonchalantly.

  ‘What?’ Frankie replied, the excitement draining from his face like bathwater from an unplugged tub. ‘Why?’

  ‘Look around – do you see any girls here?’ said Alexi. ‘As soon as her beard fell off, the authorities threw her out.’

  ‘So, where is she now?’ Frankie asked, fearing the answer.

  ‘I deal in riddles, not in missing persons,’ Alexi replied haughtily. ‘But she did say something interesting as they carried her kicking and screaming out the door.’

  ‘What?’ asked Frankie and Drew in unison.

  ‘She yelled, “I’ll prove that I’m stronger and faster than any of you men!”’

  ‘Ugh, not another riddle!’ complained Drew. ‘My head still hurts from the last one.’

  But Frankie wasn’t going to let Lou get away that easily – they were too close to finding her now! Plus, he felt like he was on a roll. He scratched his chin, hoping it would help. ‘Where would Lou go to prove she is faster or stronger than the men?’ Frankie pondered aloud.

  ‘The gym?’ guessed Drew. ‘Or to football training?’

  Incorrect x 2.

  ‘She’d want to make her point in front of a crowd,’ Frankie said to Drew, and then snapped his fingers. ‘I know EXACTLY where. She’ll be going to the Olympics!’ he announced with all the confidence of a gold-medal-winning bodybuil
der.

  Drew groaned. ‘But I thought only men competed in the ancient Olympics? And Lou is a GIRL.’

  ‘That wouldn’t stop Lou,’ Frankie said confidently. ‘She can be very convincing, with or without a fake beard.’

  Alexi shook his head. ‘I truly hope you’re wrong,’ he said darkly. ‘If the crowd finds out that a girl is competing she’ll be in big, big trouble.’

  ‘She won’t care,’ Frankie assured them, but he didn’t feel quite as confident now. ‘She hates being told she can’t do something,’ he added. ‘Plus, if she won a gold medal at the ancient Olympics she’d be able to brag about it forever.’

  Even if it changes the course of history, he added silently. One look at Drew told him his best friend was having the same worrying thought.

  ‘And how exactly do you plan on getting there?’ Alexi asked condescendingly. ‘The trip to Mount Olympus is a week’s ride away. Do you have a magical flying horse that can whisk you there in the twinkling of an eye?’

  ‘We have our ways,’ Frankie said, and Drew coughed. Truth be told, they were both looking forward to getting away from this annoying kid.

  ‘And once you arrive at Mount Olympus, how do you expect to actually get INSIDE the Games?’ Alexi asked in the manner of a spoilt king. ‘Because, you know, I happen to have four tokens for entry into the stadium. And I know of an innkeeper near there who would gladly provide you with food and drink. But I would have to be with you, of course, to negotiate the deal.’

  Frankie and Drew glanced at each other in horror. ‘Are you suggesting we take you with us?’

  ‘Don’t even joke about it!’ hissed Drew.

  ‘I’d very much like to go,’ said Alexi eagerly. ‘For research, you see. One day I shall be competing at the Olympics myself as the God of Athletics, so I need to go and see what the standard is like.’

  ‘What event would you compete in? The Most Annoying Boy In The World race?’ Drew muttered under his breath.

  Frankie groaned, but he had to admit the kid could be useful. The padlock was handy, but not enough to get them inside the ancient games. In fact, he found himself wishing that he could ask Lou for help. She was good at solving this sort of problem. But then again, Lou had caused this problem, so she wasn’t likely to offer assistance. And if she were here to help them, they wouldn’t even have this problem. Thinking about it like that made Frankie’s head hurt, so he stopped thinking about it and turned to Alexi.

  ‘Would you like to come to the Olympics with us?’ he asked, as Drew groaned loudly.

  Alexi smiled like the cat that got the cream, the strawberries AND the cheesecake.

  CHAPTER 12

  OFF TO THE GAMES – BUT HOW?

  In a stroke of good fortune as rare as hen’s teeth in the mouth of a flying pig, Grandad was exactly where they’d left him: outside the large wooden door, leaning against a marble column. Cosmas was pacing up and down, scratching furiously at his beard, like a dog responding to a sudden flea invasion.

  ‘Perhaps the chicken crossed the road to escape his oppressors?’ Cosmas guessed, resembling a walking headache.

  Grandad winked at the arriving gang of three. ‘No, I’m afraid not.’

  It was obvious to Frankie that this was not Cosmas’s first guess. He appeared, in fact, to be at the end of his tether.

  ‘OK, tell me, I give up! Why did the chicken cross the road?’

  Drew Bird couldn’t resist blurting the answer. ‘To get to the other side.’

  Cosmas looked at Drew Bird as he processed this. ‘Of course!’ he said. ‘It’s so simple yet so brilliant. This riddle will become the centre of all my future philosophies.’ (Actually, it would become the reason this once-respected philosopher didn’t become a famous philosopher and was very rarely quoted by anyone. In fact, he would soon be kicked out of the Academy.)

  He got his head out of his riddle-based cloud as Alexi scooted past. ‘And where do you think you are going, child?’

  Alexi turned. ‘I’m going to the Olympic Games… with my new friends.’

  ‘Yer all doing WHAT?’ asked Grandad. This was, of course, the first he’d heard of it.

  ‘Lou’s gone to compete,’ Frankie told him quickly. ‘We’ve got to stop her!’

  Cosmas turned to Grandad. ‘Would you really be prepared to take Alexi off my hands for a while … er, I mean, to the Games for a treat?’

  ‘If it’s OK, we’d love to take him,’ lied Frankie quickly. ‘And we’ll have him back before you could say, er …’

  ‘She sells seashells by the seashore,’ finished Drew.

  The old philosopher’s eyes lit up once more. ‘Another fascinating paradox!’ he said. ‘Why would “she” attempt to sell seashells at the seashore, when anyone could just pick them up for free? Most intriguing indeed …’

  As Cosmas beamed, lost in his new riddle, Grandad leaned over and muttered, ‘We can’t go anywhere until we find Nanna’s sculpture.’

  ‘But LOU is going to be at the Games,’ Frankie hissed back. ‘I’m sure of it! And Alexi’s going to get us in. This could be our only shot to get her back, Grandad.’

  Grandad glared at him, and Frankie knew he’d won the argument. ‘OK, let’s go then – before Cosmas decides ye have to answer another riddle to get out of here!’

  Frankie, Drew and Grandad walked away from the Academy, an excited Alexi hopping along beside them. They waved goodbye to Cosmas, who gave them a distracted wave back.

  Frankie couldn’t help but think how strange it was that Cosmas would allow three strangers with a crazy story to take Alexi with them. Either Cosmas was super relaxed or Alexi was such a pain in the bum that Cosmas couldn’t wait to offload him, like an old couch. A couch that talked in a very annoying manner.

  ‘So, how will we get to Mount Olympus?’ came Alexi’s pipsqueak-y voice. ‘We need to leave straight away if we want to see the start of the Games. I know because one day I’ll be the God of Travel!’

  ‘Um, well …’ dithered Frankie. He couldn’t exactly say they were going to time-travel there. And at that moment, he remembered that Grandad had sat on the memory-wiping glasses and broken them the previous week, so they wouldn’t even be able to use those to stop Alexi from knowing!

  The little brat patted Frankie’s hand patronisingly. ‘You are so lucky to have me. I will fetch Alessandro. He will get us to Mount Olympus.’

  ‘Alessandro isn’t your twin brother, is he?’ Drew shuddered.

  ‘Your ideas are as ridiculous as your faces,’ Alexi retorted. ‘No, Alessandro is the finest steed in the land and he will get us to Mount Olympus in good time. Wait here, peasants, and I shall fetch my chariot!’

  Without waiting for an answer, Alexi ran off, leaving the time-travelling trio waiting on the road outside the Academy.

  ‘Can’t we just nick off without him?’ Drew asked desperately.

  Frankie suppressed a groan and shook his head. It wasn’t just about the tokens, either. As annoying as Alexi was (and he was approaching Lisa Chadwick–levels of annoying), there was something in the way the adults spoke to Alexi, like he was in trouble before he even did anything, that made Frankie feel a little sorry for him.

  ‘We can’t just leave him,’ Frankie said firmly.

  ‘Especially seeing as he has a chariot and a noble steed,’ added Grandad, craning his neck to get the first glimpse of his ride. ‘I wouldn’t mind a bit of comfort for once, meself.’

  ‘But it’s going to take a week to get to the Olympics that way,’ complained Drew. ‘Can’t we just use the Sonic Suitcase to get there?’

  ‘Don’t be a numbskull,’ Grandad said. ‘Ye can’t let a kid from Ancient Greece know about time-travel! Ye’ll have to let him think we’re on the chariot, and then wait until he’s asleep.’

  Frankie nodded. It wasn’t a perfect plan. Far from it – there was a chance Alexi would wake mid-travel just as he was whizzing past LeBron James or Daniel Ricciardo. But it was the only plan they had.

>   A moment later, they heard Alexi’s squeaky voice again. ‘Idiots beware! Alessandro is approaching!’ he announced proudly.

  Frankie, Drew and Grandad spun around in Alexi’s direction. Frankie was particularly keen to see this supposedly splendid steed. He had already imagined a magnificent black stallion with glistening horsey muscles and a big shiny mane, pulling a red chariot with golden trims …

  … But then he saw Alexi and Alessandro.

  CHAPTER 13

  STOP TALKiNG AND GO TO SLEEP, ALEXi … PLEASE!

  Alessandro was NOT a black stallion. He was not even a horse. He was, in fact, a grey donkey with a patchy mane and wobbly legs, who looked VERY unimpressed to be woken from his nap.

  ‘What the hell is this?’ Grandad gaped.

  ‘This,’ Alexi said grandly, ‘is my best friend!’

  The chariot was not much better. Its wheels squeaked as it rattled along behind Alessandro, and it was in dire need of a paint job.

  It looked like the whole thing could fall apart at any given moment! But until Alexi fell asleep, it would have to do.

  Yet as the four of them headed off to Mount Olympus in a chariot that was basically a cardboard box on two wheels, pulled by the world’s grumpiest, oldest donkey, Alexi seemed to be wide awake.

  As the hours and kilometres passed, so did the inane questions (‘Why are your ears so hairy?’ to Grandad), the pointless conversations (‘I’m going to be the God of Gods, actually!’) and unlikely boasts (‘My first word was “Pythagoras”.’). Alexi showed no signs of tiredness. Frankie, Drew and Grandad were not exactly listening to his egotistical ramblings (‘Some people think I am so clever I must have two brains!’), but they couldn’t escape them entirely.

  Frankie was just about to throw the kid out of the ‘chariot’ when Alexi gave a huge yawn.

  ‘Undoubtedly I will become a god, I just need to decide the kind of god I will be,’ Alexi mused, his eyes fluttering closed.