‘Would you want to?’
‘Not replace her. No. It’s just lovely to have someone treat me like I’m special again.’
‘You are special.’
‘Thank you, my love … but I think I need to hear that from someone other than you for a change.’
Lying in Billy’s trailer, a week into filming, we’re curled up under the covers, waiting for Billy to be called to set. So far we’ve been sat here for two hours, and are bored stiff. Judith wasn’t joking when she said there was a lot of waiting around, and thanks to Billy being in costume and having to be prepared to go on set at a moment’s notice, we can’t just disappear off for an hour or so. We, or at least Billy, must remain in the dressing room or close by at all times.
‘So, if you had to date one of the girls here, who would it be?’
I don’t know what makes me ask, and I don’t really want to know the answer, but seeing Billy every day amongst the girls and seeing him act so confidently around them keeps the idea of him wanting to be with women like that at the forefront of my mind. It just keeps niggling away at me, no matter how much I try to calm my own concerns and keep them away from Billy.
‘I wouldn’t want to. I have you,’ he says with a shrug.
‘OK, but what if I was no longer here?’
‘Why aren’t you here?’
‘I don’t know, I just don’t exist.’
‘Well, that would be sad … I’d have to just live a life of solitude.’
‘Come on, honestly, which one?’
‘I don’t want to play this game.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because I don’t like any of them like that!’
‘Oh, come on. They’re all super hot, and they all fancy the pants off you!’
‘Sophie!’
‘What?’
‘They don’t.’
‘Oh, of course they do. They’re all over you like a rash any chance they get.’
‘Sophie, you’re being silly,’ he says with a hint of irritation.
‘It’s only a game,’ I say in a mock sulk.
‘Really? Or will it make you wonder if I actually fancy someone and start you getting all paranoid on me? Look, Sophie,’ he says with a sigh. ‘I love you completely. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I need you to just believe that. I know this is all strange for you, but I promise I’m doing all I can to make it as easy as possible for you. OK?’
I nod, feeling stupid for even asking such a ridiculous question. I cuddle into him and close my eyes, pretending to go to sleep. Not wanting to discuss the matter further.
20
It’s not long before the director schedules the filming of the opening sequence with Billy and Heidi, which is the first of a long list of love scenes to be filmed. My heart plummets when I see it on the call-sheet for the following day, which has been left in Billy’s dressing room at the end the day’s filming.
Noticing me sighing, Billy comes and peers over my shoulder at the page in front of me.
‘Ah …’ he says, rubbing the sides of my arms.
‘Ah, indeed,’ I nod, turning to face him.
‘I know I’ve said that I want you there, but I’m not going to force you to sit and watch it if you’re not comfortable.’
‘Well, it’s not going to be the most wonderful day of my existence, that’s for sure.’
‘Mine neither. I’m pretty nervous about it,’ he says, fiddling with my hands.
‘Why?’
‘Despite what you might think, it’s not something I’m used to.’
I hadn’t even thought what it might be like for Billy to perform love scenes. Thinking about it now, it must be extremely exposing and embarrassing, depending on the actor, of course. I’d hate to put extra pressure on him by watching.
‘I don’t want me being there to make it harder for you,’ I say.
‘It won’t. I want you there to see there are no secrets being kept from you. That it’s nothing sordid.’
‘I know it’s not,’ I say, letting out another sigh.
‘I don’t know what I’d be like in your position. I think I’d drive myself mad over it.’
‘Well, I think we can safely say that I won’t be rolling around a bed half naked with another guy any time soon, so you can keep hold of your sanity for a little while longer.’
‘Good point,’ he leans down and kisses me, resting his forehead on mine. We stand with our eyes closed and our arms wrapped around each other.
‘I’ll come and watch … I want to support you and be there for you. I’m trying my best not to turn this into some weird thing between us.’
‘I know you are, and I admire you for that,’ he says, taking my hand and kissing the back of it.
‘Knock, knock! It’s time for the old granny to see you naked!’ calls Judith from outside, causing us to break away.
As I walk on to set with Billy the next day, I feel anxious about what I’m about to witness, worried how it will affect me and how I’ll keep a check on my emotions. I want to be OK with this, but, even now, the very thought of it makes my skin crawl as I look at the mock-up hotel room the set designers have created. It’s dark, shabby and dingy, with orange curtains, brown wallpaper and a heavily patterned carpet. Again, it all looks like it could do with a wash.
I’ve been told scenes like these usually call for a ‘closed set’, where only the crew members needed to shoot the scene are present. From what Billy’s told me, it’s so that the actors don’t feel uncomfortable when doing something so intimate, enabling them to lose their inhibitions and focus on the task at hand. I’m here because Billy’s asked the producers for me to be, which they allowed after speaking to Heidi, who apparently agreed to it without any fuss.
I wonder what it must be like for Heidi, first of all, to do a scene like this, secondly, to do a scene like this with her ex, and thirdly, to do a scene like this with her ex when his current girlfriend is watching. I haven’t said a single word to her; Billy was right when he described her as ‘frosty’. The only people she seems to whip up a smile for, when the cameras aren’t rolling, are the director and the producers – or anyone in a powerful position. To those types she is friendly, warm and giggles like a little girl, but when they aren’t paying her attention she is steely faced as she sits watching everyone else around her like a hawk.
Most people have learnt to let her sit in silence if they’re next to her on set in between takes. However, I’ve watched as Holly has tried, on numerous occasions, to strike up conversations with Heidi only to be completely ignored as though she has said nothing. Seeing Holly’s happy face fall in a deflated way every time she tries is uncomfortable to watch.
With all her beauty I should be more worried about Heidi, but because of her attitude, which Billy assures me is miles away from the girl he once dated, I’m not as worried as I should be. This mentality wavers slightly, though, when I spot Heidi walking on to set wearing her knee-high boots, a see-through blouse and the tiniest black skirt I’ve ever seen. She looks incredibly sexy, and I instantly feel dowdy in comparison.
‘OK, can we have you on set straight away, please, guys?’ Stephen asks quietly to Billy and Heidi, his tone highlighting the delicate nature they want to tackle the scene with.
‘I love you,’ Billy says with a wink and a squeeze of the hand, before walking over to the set.
I sit in my usual spot, watching the monitor as Max, the director, who has worn the same brown leather jacket, denim shirt, jeans and trainers for the past week, goes over and starts talking to them both. He speaks so softly I can’t hear what he is saying, but spotting Billy with his arms crossed I can tell he feels uncomfortable already.
Suddenly Max breaks away and talks to Stephen, who informs everyone how the morning is going to run.
‘Right, we’re going to take it from Stan throwing Megan on to the bed, fitting the door sequence in later,’ he says. ‘Can we start, Billy, with you chucking Heidi, just so that we c
an get the cameras where they need to be?’
‘Yep,’ Billy says, walking to the middle of the pretend hotel room.
The morning doesn’t go smoothly. Even though Billy and Heidi are breaking a huge heap of personal boundaries with their touching, writhing and licking (which actually causes my heart to shrivel up painfully like a prune), they aren’t comfortable and appear awkward and clumsy on screen. They’ve now completed the striptease section, and have moved on to the start of the lovemaking, with Billy having to lick his way up Heidi’s naked body before kissing her neck.
It’s been gut-wrenching to watch, and at times I have had to look away, preferring not to watch as the person I love gets his ear nibbled by this vixen woman, who has her pert boobs out on display, or watch him slide his way up her. Surprisingly, I’ve managed to hold it together. So far.
Each time they go for another take, a distressed Max cuts about a minute into the scene, before walking in and talking to Billy and Heidi, trying different tactics to get what he’s after, unhappy with the lack of steam and passion being created. Although he has remained gentle with them so far, I’ve watched him getting increasingly irritated with each failed take.
‘CUT! This isn’t working!’ screams Max, as he walks towards Billy and Heidi, holding his hands in the air in desperation. ‘It needs something more. It needs to be sexier. Guys, come on, you’re not giving it to me. This is setting the tone for what’s to come. Stan is meant to be a sex god, so play with her, use her, tease her. Manipulate her body like you’re the master of it. Megan is gagging for it. She wants him and she wants him now. She’s got to show him what she’s got, entice him with her body. They’re wild. Wild! You’re both too in your heads, it needs to be all about the physical,’ he says, pounding his fist against his hand to hammer home his point. ‘Just for one take, can we try it so that … I don’t know, could you suck on her nipple or something? Or tweak it? Is that OK with you both? It needs to be more dangerous, on the edge of explosion. I need desire!’
Billy and Heidi look at each other, uncomfortably, making me feel mildly relieved to see they’ve both recognized Max’s request as ridiculous. I know in Billy’s earlier scenes I’ve been highly sensitive to the smallest of glances from one of the girls, but this is bordering on the insane. It’s too much to ask these two people, who are actors, to do. They play characters, yes, but their bodies are their own. In my eyes, and I’m sure millions would agree with me, it would certainly be taking this ludicrous situation a step too far.
Sensing their reluctance, Max keeps going with his encouragement.
‘You both want to get away from Halo, don’t you? Away from that squeaky-clean image, opening up the chance for grittier roles. Well, let’s cause an uproar, then. Let’s grab it by the balls and go for it!’
His words hang in the air.
‘It’s fine by me,’ huffs Heidi, as she gets back into her starting position on the bed, pushing her hair over her shoulders, sticking out her breasts.
I watch as Billy hesitates, looks at the floor and taps his foot on the ground.
He doesn’t turn to look for me.
He nods his head slowly and stands at the end of the bed with his back to me.
‘We can try that,’ I hear him mutter.
Something in me dies.
On the monitor I see sadness in his face, I can see that he doesn’t want to be doing this, however, his frown quickly fades away when somebody shouts, ‘Ready … camera rolling … action’, and he jumps into the role of Stan Bar – fiery and intense.
I look around helplessly as they start to film the shot again, not able to believe that I’m actually about to witness this.
No one notices me.
Everyone is wrapped up in the scene, all busy doing their jobs.
I squirm as I look at the monitor, holding my breath in disbelief. I watch as the camera pans with Billy as he moves up Heidi’s body, his tongue gliding along her shiny legs, over her toned stomach, leading up to her nipple. He stops. For a second I think he’s seen sense – that he’s not going to go through with it. But instead, he looks up at Heidi, her face eager and wanton, begging him. He smiles at her, lets out a deep chortle and flicks her nipple with his tongue playfully, before taking it into his mouth.
A wailing sound causes everybody to stop.
On the monitor, Billy looks up in shock, as confusion and anger flicker across his face. People start looking in my direction, which is when I realize the sound is coming from me. I cover my mouth to stop it, frozen to the spot as everyone glares in my direction.
In shock, I run from the room.
I’m back in Billy’s dressing room by the time he catches up with me. He slams open the door.
‘What was that?’
‘That’s the same question I’ve been asking myself, Billy, “What was that?” ’ I ask, flinging my arm in the direction of the studio. ‘Don’t worry, I’m going – so you can carry on without interruption from your stupid girlfriend,’ I blurt, getting my coat and bag from the sofa.
‘What do you want me to do? I can’t just ignore the director. Do you want me to quit? Is that it?’ Billy shouts. ‘Do you want me to just walk away because you feel uncomfortable?’
‘What?’ I stammer, not understanding how I’m suddenly in the wrong – did he not see what he was doing back there?
‘I have done everything I can to make you feel welcome. I have spent hours talking you through every little detail, making sure you feel included and a part of this whole thing.’
‘I know …’
‘Hours when I should’ve been getting to know everyone so that it’s not awkward when we’re on set together.’
‘I’ve never said you couldn’t spend time with them.’
‘No, you haven’t, but any time I do spend with them you make me feel bad about it. I can feel you seething, bubbling away the minute one of the girls comes over to me.’
‘I don’t do that.’
‘Any girl I chat to, straight away you’re saying they fancy me – making everything awkward because I don’t want you to think I’m egging them on in some way.’
‘I’ve never stopped you talking to anyone …’
‘But you have! Can’t you see that?’
‘Billy! I have had to sit there quietly, with a smile on my face, and watch you kiss other girls as they’ve had their legs wrapped around you, while you talk dirty to them. To be honest, if I have the odd moment of paranoia it’s hardly surprising, is it?’
‘But it’s acting, I’m playing a character. That’s all it is. Why can’t you understand this is work and not the filthy thing that you’ve built up in your head?’
‘How can you not see this the way I do?’ I shriek.
‘I can, but you’re being overly sensitive about it. It’s not about you and me, it’s about the character.’
‘Overly sensitive? Billy, you had another woman’s nipple in your mouth!’
‘And?’
‘And?’ I scream back at him, unable to see how he can’t comprehend where that might be a problem. ‘Your ex-girlfriend’s nipple? Do you really not see what’s wrong with that?’
‘It’s work!’
‘It’s disgusting!’
‘It’s what the director asked for. I didn’t have a choice.’
‘Yes, you did,’ I shout firmly. ‘You could’ve thought how that might affect me and realize that asking someone to do something like that is far from normal, it’s sick, and you’re stupid for going along without questioning it. For just doing it because the director told you to. Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?’
‘But I was acting. That’s what I do.’
‘Then you’re pathetic,’ I spit.
Billy stares at the floor silently, his face red with rage.
‘I won’t come here any more,’ I say quietly, stopping myself from shouting further. ‘I didn’t realize me being here was such a problem or that I was being such a burden.’
‘
Sophie …’ he says softly.
‘I’ll see you at home,’ I say, cutting him off and walking out of the door.
I walk past the trailers, past the studio and catering, and off the site. Once outside the gates I look around in desperation, realizing Billy’s not come after me. For some reason I thought he would.
I wander over to a nearby bench and sit down with my head in my hands, taking deep breaths, hoping it’ll help calm me down.
My phone starts vibrating in my pocket. Thinking it might be Billy checking where I am and wanting to put things right, I pull it out. It’s not him, though. It’s Molly calling from home.
I look at her name flashing on the screen and desperately want to answer it, to sob down the phone and complain about Billy. But something stops me. I’m not ready to talk about anything yet, not when I haven’t been able to make sense of any of it.
Am I to blame for being so paranoid? Have I really been giving the girls daggers every time they go near Billy? If I have, then in doing so I went against Molly’s advice and have made a complete mess.
I stare at the phone until it stops.
‘Sophie?’ I look up to see an anxious-looking Holly walking towards me. ‘Judith told me what happened. Are you OK?’
‘Not really!’ I admit, forcing a smile.
‘This has all got to be so strange for you,’ she says, joining me on the bench, putting her arm around me.
‘It is a bit.’
‘God knows how I’d feel if I were in your position.’
‘Stupid?’
Holly holds me tighter as I let out a groan of frustration.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘You know Billy really loves you, right? He has literally spoken about you non-stop since the first day of rehearsals.’
‘I doubt that.’
‘No, he has. I reckon that might be why Heidi has been such a sourpuss from day one.’
‘Do you think?’
‘Definitely. Think about it, she’s working with an ex … what’s worse than working with an ex? Working with an ex who doesn’t want you.’
‘Maybe.’
‘Definitely!’
‘I just didn’t think it would be like this. He really went crazy at me.’
Billy and Me Page 23
