She doesn’t sound upset. And when she returns to your table, dragging Cole with her, there’s a broad smile on her face … and on his, too.
“You’ll never believe it … Cole just asked me to marry him! It was his anniversary surprise. We’re going to Las Vegas, tonight—you know I always wanted an Elvis wedding and he’s got the chapel booked for tomorrow and everything! That woman is his sister Jeannette; she lives abroad—I’ve never met her. They planned the whole thing together! That’s why I had to get home by midnight—to pack!”
“This is truly amazing.”
“Ain’t it the wildest! The flight’s in three hours, and you have to come; Jeannette’s calling to reserve another ticket. You’re my maid of honor. I won’t take no for an answer.”
“But the party…,” you weakly protest, and then realize how lame that sounds. “I guess Mark will have to wait. Vegas, you say?”
“Vegas, baby!” She hugs you. “Vegas!”
The End
“I’m not Mike,” you say for the twentieth time, and Lisa jumps. Once she recognizes you she calms down again, throwing her head back onto her pillow. “Oh god, I’m such an idiot. Ooooh, my head. I need water. Will you get me some? Please?”
Sure enough, you find yourself going to the kitchen and getting Lisa a glass of water. You see a roach in her kitchen, but decide not to kill it. “Go forth and breed,” you think to yourself. It’s not like you even like her all that much, but you’re kind of pissed off anyway. Because here you are nursing her when you should be dazzling Sadie with your wit and charm.
“Will you page Mike for me? The number’s over there.” Lisa nods toward her dresser as she takes the water from you. “He’ll come over and stay with me for a while. We’ve got some stuff to sort out.”
“Mike has a pager?” If you’d known that, you wouldn’t have been busting your ass to make sure you met up with him. You could have paged him and found out where the party was at any time.
But wait a minute, if Mike comes over here, you’re stuck going to the party with people you barely know. That is, if you even get there at all. What to do?
If you page Mike and agree to wait for him to call back, read on here.
If you purposely dial the wrong last digit when you page Mike, and leave immediately for Spinners, read on here.
Hayley is bent on leaving the bar right now; she’s lost any interest in the party, and you can sympathize. Not that it makes it any easier for you, turning up on Lindy’s doorstep like a lost puppy, but that can’t be helped. Something else is bothering you though—that glint in Hayley’s eye as she kisses you good-bye and promises to call, a glint you recognize. An identical glint was there the time Hayley told you about putting half a tab of acid in her little brother’s orange juice just to see how funny he’d act.
“Hayley … you’re okay, aren’t you? You won’t do anything crazy?”
“Nothing crazy. Promise.” She makes a Boy Scouts sign and then creeps out the door.
Cole and his female friend are talking intently and oblivious to anything else, so you order another drink. And a shot, for good measure, to help fix your nerve. A few minutes later you leave the bar and are about to cross the street to start walking to Lindy’s when a green Jeep Wrangler pulls up, horn blaring.
“Get in!”
It’s Hayley. But of course it’s Hayley.
“Get in now!” she hollers.
There should be a sign on the car door that reads “Abandon hope all ye who enter here!”
You climb in, and Hayley gives a whoop and then takes off.
“Let me guess,” you say. “This is Cole’s Jeep, isn’t it? And he’s not going to get it back in one piece, is he?”
“He’s not getting it back at all, baby. What does the pretentious little jerk need a Jeep for in this town? The only rugged terrain is in the parking lot near the Seven-Eleven. Man, is he going to regret giving me a spare set of keys.”
“So, what are you going to do with it? This isn’t turning into a Thelma-and-Louise suicide mission, is it? We’d have to drive pretty far to find an appropriate cliff.”
“No, dummy. I’m not crashing it. I’m selling it.”
You have to laugh. “At this time of night? Where?”
“Marvin the Maniac, the used-car salesman! Completely untrustworthy, but he’s open twenty-four hours a day. My brother’s dealt with him; he says he asks no questions.”
Sure enough, Marvin is home and open for business. It’s clear that he suspects some foul play; it’s also clear that he doesn’t care how hot the car is if Hayley’s asking price is low enough.
When they’re through doing business, she calls a cab from Marvin’s office and then hands you a wad of notes.
“What’s this for?”
“Spending money.”
“Hayley … where are you suggesting we go?”
“Your place first of all, to pick up some clothes. Then the airport. After that, haven’t decided. Don’t worry; it’s just for a weekend! I’m not crazy or anything. I just need to get away for a few days and I’d love you to come with me. Please. I promise I’ll have you back at work on Monday morning.”
She’s smiling, but you know she really does need this.
“Come on, babe. You’re my friend. You’re my buddy. You’re my galpal. You’re all I’ve got left!” She lets out a wail.
“You’re drunk.” You laugh. A cab swings into the car lot and pulls up alongside you.
“Absolutely,” she answers as you both climb in.
The End
“Oh Lisa, really?”
“Yes, it’s you I want. And I honestly think it could work out between us. I know you think you’re gay, but I think you’re just confused.”
“I’m gay?”
She obviously doesn’t pick up on the inflection.
“No, you’re not. You can’t be. I know you were jealous tonight. I just know it. And I know it was low to hit on the very guy you think you’re in love with to try to get you to wake up and realize it’s me you really want, but I didn’t know what else to do.”
You sit there in stunned silence. Lisa was hitting on you all night. Mike thinks he’s in love with you!? This just isn’t possible.
“I’ve got to go, Lisa.” You’re out the door before she can say another word.
Down at street level, you catch a cab and tell him the address of the Pub. You need the comfort of your local drinking spot to get you through this one; you’re certainly in no condition to face Mike tonight, having outted him to yourself under such bizarre circumstances. Your mind is racing, flashes of moments you and Mike have shared over the years running through your mind. Double dates, even. Mike. Gay. Could it be? And could it be he’s kept it from you because you’re the very object of his affection?
Read on here.
Bert and Ernie, or Paul and Robert to give them their proper names, seem like nice enough guys and are more than willing to dance. A little too willing, perhaps; Robert, who’s your partner, is soon whirling and twirling and revolving you till you feel like a rag doll in a spin dryer.
“A few lessons and you’d be okay,” he shouts over the music. Charming. “You should move your feet more though.”
“And I know just where I’d put them, too,” you retort.
“Don’t be offended … just being helpful. Hang on, there’s a good part coming up.”
The next thing you know, you’re being hurled bodily across the floor, colliding with another couple. As you fall, you instinctively grab onto the first thing to hand, which unfortunately turns out to be a table laden with drinks. You don’t cut yourself on the glass, which is one blessing, and the table landing on your leg doesn’t hurt too much, but you do end up with two bottles of imported beer and a Cosmopolitan down the front of your shirt.
“Okay!” you announce loudly as Hayley helps you to your feet. The band has stopped playing and almost everyone in Zoë’s has turned to see what happened. By some fluke, there i
s actually a spotlight shining right on you. “Listen up, people! This is clearly God’s way of telling me that it’s time to go home. But first I’d like to thank everyone who helped make this night such a rollicking success. All I wanted to do was go to a party and meet some guy. Not a lot to ask, is it? But no. First, I’d like to thank Suzy, my former best friend, for being a complete bitch. I’d also like to thank Dan the bartender for getting Suzy so drunk that she felt compelled to tell Hayley here all about her cheating boyfriend. And lastly, I’d like to thank Robert, my dance partner, who told me I should take swing lessons just before he threw me across the floor so that I landed on my ass in a pool of alcohol.”
“One more thing,” adds Hayley. “You must have fallen on a lit cigarette—I think your pants are burning.”
“Of course! Of course my pants are burning. That makes sense. Thanks again, everyone.” By now you’re beyond caring, but you stand patiently while Hayley brushes you off with a wet napkin.
There’s a smattering of applause from onlookers as you and Hayley head back through the crowd.
“I thought you handled that well,” says Hayley, smirking, when you finally get outside and are taking in gulps of the cool night air. “You want to go somewhere else?”
“I just wanna go home.” You sigh.
“Okay, baby. We’ll do it again soon though, okay?”
You laugh in spite of yourself. “Oh yeah. Sure.”
The End
Lisa smiles and takes your hand, leading you to the bedroom. There, she lights a dim lamp and starts removing stuffed animals from her bed, perching them carefully on a rocking chair in the corner. You step up behind her and unzip her skirt, which drops to the floor and pools around her feet. You see that she’s wearing white cotton underwear with hearts and stars on them and curse yourself for the surge of desire that runs through you. You’re not a pervert by any stretch!
Lisa sits on the bed, and when you go to take her shoes off she stops you. “The shoes,” she says, “stay.”
So maybe she’s the kinky one!
She pulls you forward so that you’re standing in front of her as she sits on the edge of the bed. She undoes your pants and wrestles with them until they’re down by your ankles. When you step out of them, you’re standing at attention, poking out of your shorts. When she touches you and pulls you down on top of her, you’re sure you’ll explode before long. As your bodies start to meld together, you’re getting unbearably aroused.
“In my jeans,” you say as you peel yourself away from her, “I’ve got a condom.”
“Oh, we won’t be needing that.” She tries to pull you back toward her as you fumble with your jeans.
“I think we should.” You’re the picture of responsibility.
She keeps pulling at you but you’ve already got the condom out and open. “I mean that we won’t need it because we’re not going to be doing that. I’m a virgin.”
“Not for long,” you say as you roll the condom on.
“I’m serious,” she says. “I’m not doing that with you. I think you should go, as a matter of fact.” She’s reached into her bedside table and slipped on a granny nightgown.
“Oh, come on,” you say. “We can still have a little fun, can’t we?”
“I’m not comfortable now. I want you to leave.”
You get up and get dressed and leave, saying, “Thanks for nothing,” on your way out. In the lobby of her building you run into old friends of your parents’ who insist you join them for a drink across the street. You spend the next two hours in a piano bar explaining the Internet to a bunch of sixty-year-olds.
The End
“I think I’ll sit this one out. You go dance if you want; I’ll wait here.”
“Alrighty, if you’re sure. Be good now.”
She strolls up to the two guys, engages them in chat for a few minutes, then follows Ernie onto the dance floor. You smile as you watch her, sipping your drink, occasionally glancing at the antics of the couples around you.
Then you catch sight of him.
It really is exactly like a movie … one minute you’re oblivious to his existence; the next, everyone else in the room has faded into insignificance. He’s sitting at the far end of the bar, and he must have been looking at you for a while, because he glances away quickly when you first see him, as if embarrassed, and then raises his eyes to meet yours. He smiles. You’re tempted to check behind you to see if he might be looking at someone else. But no, now he’s standing, picking up his drink, and coming over.
“I thought it was you,” he says. Amazing that he looks so much more beautiful close up. You gaze at him blankly, struck dumb both by his physical presence and by the fact that you have absolutely no idea who he is.
“You don’t remember me? Jeff Costello? We used to live next door to each other until I was nine; then my dad got a promotion and we moved away. We had that crazy cat, Archie, the one who always used to get into your yard and drive your dog crazy. What was your dog’s name again? Holly, Hester, something like that?”
“Heidi.” You grin. “I remember now. I can’t believe you recognized me after all this time.”
“Yeah well, I’m not saying you haven’t changed. But I’d still know you anywhere. You don’t remember that I used to have a crush on you?”
“No … that’s not something I’d have forgotten. I have to admit, if I’d known you were going to turn out like this I’d never have let your family leave the neighborhood.” Alright, so it’s an unbelievably corny line, but at least he’s smiling.
“So … you’re here with someone?”
“My friend Hayley. The one out on the dance floor who’s spinning that guy around and lifting him up in the air. She needs to let off a little steam tonight. You’re here alone?”
“Yeah … I felt completely lame sitting here by myself, but I just moved into the neighborhood and don’t really know anyone yet. So it was a choice between staying at home, either watching TV or chatting on-line to other lonely people with no social lives, or taking a chance and going out. And now, well, you’re here so I’m glad I did. Even if I’ve never forgiven you for terrorizing Archie all those years ago.” He grins.
Tomorrow you can always blame Hayley for giving you that mysteriously lethal cocktail, but drunk or not, you know that you’re going to be going home with Jeff at the end of the night. As great as Mark may be, whenever you’re with him you spend most of your time struggling to sound impressive, whereas with Jeff … well, Jeff is someone whose main recollection of you is probably the time you dressed his beloved cat up in doll clothes and tied it to the washing line. And he still likes you.
“So, maybe I could persuade you to dance if I stick around long enough?” he asks.
“If you stick around long enough, who knows what you could persuade me to do.…”
The End
Lisa throws her head back and thrusts her fingers into your hair, then says, “I’ve got a boyfriend.”
You stop what you’re doing and look at her. “You’re telling me this now?”
“Yeah.” She leans into you to cover her exposed breasts. “I mean I’ve always had a thing for you and I want to be with you tonight and he lives out of town anyway. But I just thought it wouldn’t be fair if you didn’t know.”
You reach around her and unzip the zipper on her skirt, your mouth resuming its work on the nipple ring.
“So … now … you … know…,” she gasps.
“So now I know,” you say, lifting your head to kiss her. She stops you by taking your hand and leading you to her bedroom after stepping out of the skirt pooled around her ankles. As you follow, you see she’s not wearing any tights and her thong reveals the tightest ass you’ve seen in years. You can’t wait to sink your, well, something into that silky flesh.
In the bedroom, a dim light lit, you go to take Lisa’s shoes off, only she squirms away. “The new shoes stay,” she says, pulling you toward her so that you’re standing in front of her
as she sits on the edge of the bed. She undoes your jeans and slides them to the ground. You’re standing at attention, poking out of your shorts.
Lisa wastes no time in taking off your shorts, putting a condom on you and laying you back on her bed so she can straddle you. Just as she takes you into her and starts to ride you, the sound of keys in the front door startles you both.
“I didn’t think you had a roommate,” you say.
“I don’t,” she says.
“Surprise, babe,” says the guy who appears in the doorway. “What the fuck!”
“It’s not what it looks like.” Lisa scrambles for something to cover herself with, which strikes you as kind of silly; presumably this is her boyfriend, presumably he’s seen her naked. Still, this isn’t really the time for you to contemplate the way context affects our views of nakedness and exposed skin in general. You pull on your jeans as quickly as you can.
“If I were you, I’d get out of here as fast as I could,” Lisa’s boyfriend says to you.
“My sentiments exactly,” you say as you walk past him and collect the rest of your clothes by the front door.
Downstairs, you hail a cab. But halfway to Spinners you realize you feel like a total asshole. You’ve sobered up a good deal and know that you wouldn’t feel right trying to make anything happen with Sadie tonight. She deserves better. You tell the driver to turn around and take you home. You blew it, you dog.
The End
“Look, we’ll discuss this later, but I have to talk to Mark, okay?”
“Sure, whatever,” Suzy says. “I’ll be over with Nick.” She looks crushed and disappointed, but this is just getting too weird.
Mark nods at you. “Something going on there that I should know about?” he asks.
“I don’t see how it’s any of your business,” you snap, and then wish you could take it back.
Big Night Out Page 21
