“What was that all about?” Dave asks.
“Sadie’s training for a marathon,” Mike explains. “And her father just got diagnosed with lung cancer. I’ve never met a woman who hates smoking more.”
Nice one, ashtray breath!
The End
You act like you’ve got to get out of the flow of the crowd, and step over to Lisa’s side. But just as you’re about to engage her in conversation, Mike finishes his drink. “Come on. Drink up.” He gesticulates for you, in particular, to hurry. “We should hit this party. I’ll go find Sadie and meet you outside in a few minutes.”
The mere mention of Sadie makes you agitated, and you quickly down your drink.
“Wow.” Lisa turns to you. “That was fast. You want to help me with mine? I’ve had too much already.” She sways slightly, her breast brushing against your arm.
“Whoa.” You take her drink from her, before she can spill it. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Can I walk with you?”
“Sure.” That’ll show Sadie!
You finish Lisa’s drink for her, then follow Will and Tracy out to meet Mike on the street. Sadie and Dave are there, talking excitedly about some Australian film about a picnic. You pretend not to care and let Lisa loop her arm through yours.
At the party, in a really cool duplex apartment that makes you insanely jealous, you have another quick drink to tame your anger. When Lisa asks you to dance, you accept; what better way to prove how much fun you’re having to Dave and Sadie? Things are going fine until Chumbawamba comes on and Lisa gets a little too into it. She’s jumping up and down shouting, “I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you’re never going to keep me down,” and proceeds to topple backward and land flat on her butt. Her bare butt. That’s right, during the fall her skirt gets thrown up and she’s not wearing any underwear. When she lands, she’s flashing her whole kit and caboodle—carefully trimmed, it should be noted—to everyone who happens to be looking, and because she’s so drunk, the reflex response to cover herself is delayed. You’re too stunned to approach and help her up, and besides you don’t want to call any unnecessary attention to yourself lest someone notices the bulge in your pants.
“You see that?” Mike steps up to you shaking his head in disbelief just as Lisa is ushered away by some girlfriends. “Man, I bet there’s not a limp dick in the room.”
You turn to say something witty—a wry smile on your face in anticipation of your clever retort—when you see Sadie glaring at you. Apparently she overheard Mike.
If you go ahead with your clever retort because you’re mad at Sadie for liking Dave, read on here.
If you decide to hold your tongue, read on here.
“Okay, I’m going in. How do I look; is my makeup okay?” Running a hand through your hair, you turn to her for a quick assessment.
“Gorgeous. I’m barely controlling my urge to jump you right here. Go on.” She pushes you toward him. “Move! There’s an eager redhead at four o’clock.”
You walk toward him, every step feeling as if it’s in slow motion. Sure enough, there’s a redhead nearby who’s eyeing Mark with interest. Not fast enough, honey.
“Hey, Mark.” You flash your most winning smile.
“Oh, hey!” He grins in recognition. “Good to see you. I don’t recognize many people here. How do you know Lindy?”
“Oh, you know, friend of a friend,” you mutter, inhaling the scent of him. There is nothing about this man that isn’t infinitely adorable.
“Cool. Got a cold? You seem to be sniffing.”
“Me? No … perfect health.” You can see the redhead skirting around, doing the hair toss, looking for a chance to move in. No time for subtlety! Think Hayley! “So, Mark, I was wondering if maybe you’d like to…”
“Shh, sorry to interrupt, but is someone calling your name?” Mark asks.
He’s right. Hayley is. From upstairs. She sounds desperate.
“You want to go see what she wants? I’ll wait here.”
You nod and run upstairs, shooting the redhead a withering look as you leave. Hayley is peering out the bathroom door. “Get in here!” she squeals.
“What’s wrong? What the … did somebody die in here?” The smell is foul.
“Me! I’m dying! I don’t know what the hell those pills were, but everything I’ve eaten over the last two weeks is pouring out of my ass. You have to help!” She looks pale and worried.
“Hayley, what do you want me to do? Buy an economy-sized air freshener?”
“No, smart-ass, call a taxi! Take me home! I don’t think I can make it alone; I’m scared I’m going to collapse.”
If there’s one thing you haven’t missed about Hayley, it’s her talent for hypochondria.
“You’re not dying. Look, I can call a taxi, but can’t you get home by yourself?”
“No!” She’s screaming. “Please! You wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for me.”
“Stop yelling! I’ll take you home! But you owe me big time!”
“Fine.” She sulks. “Just get me out of here.”
You stomp downstairs with her. “Wait here. I’m saying good-bye to Mark.”
There he is, standing just where you left him, every ounce as beautiful. And there, inevitably, is the redhead, closing in like a vulture. You stride right up to them. “Mark, my friend’s sick and I’ve got to take her home. But it was great seeing you.”
“You, too,” he says, with apparent sincerity. “Listen, can I have your number?”
“Sure.” You smile and dig around in your bag for a pen and scrap of paper. “Here. Talk to you soon?”
“Great. Take care.”
“Don’t worry, he’ll call,” says Hayley as you leave the room.
“You think?”
“Well sure,” she declares. “Why wouldn’t he?” You turn around for one last look. Mark’s little carroty-haired friend catches your eye and gives you a smug smile.
The End
You excuse yourself and find Dave at the bar. He’s sitting on a bar stool with an empty one next to him.
“Where’s Sadie?” You take the seat beside him.
“Bathroom. She’s coming back, though.” He looks at you like you shouldn’t be sitting.
“Jeez, man. I’ll get up when she comes back.”
“What’s gotten into you?”
“What’s gotten into me? You know I’ve been after Sadie for, like, ever.”
“What?”
“You had to know.”
“I’m not a fucking mind reader, man. I didn’t know. You’re always talking about loads of different girls. I’d need a diagram to keep track. I always thought that if I wanted to, I could put together a videotape for your bachelor party like they did for Tom Cruise in Jerry Magui—”
“Will you cut the movie crap for once! She’s the girl. So back off.”
“No way, man. She’s awesome. And she’s into me. She already invited me to go to a movie screening with her next week. Sorry.”
You catch the bartender’s eye and order a shot.
“What are you doing a shot for?” Dave is constantly looking over your shoulder to see when Sadie’s coming back.
Instead of responding, you simply hand the bartender your money, down the whiskey, and walk away, you drama queen, you.
You leave without saying good-bye to anyone else and head for home. When you get there, you find your apartment’s been broken into. Everything you owned of any value is gone.
The End
“You got that right. But ten bucks says it’s this very unlimp dick right here”—you indicate your groin—“that’s in her by the end of the night.”
Mike starts laughing, but Sadie approaches swiftly and slaps you. She glares at Mike, too.
“You know, sometimes I really envy lesbians.” She’s so mad her voice is shaking. “If you have to give up actual dicks in order to avoid dicks like you, it’s something I might want to try.”
; “Can I watch?” Now Mike gets the slap.
You’d probably feel the need to apologize if you weren’t so turned on. You can see Sadie’s nipples through her top and can’t get the image of a spread-eagled Lisa out of your mind. When Sadie turns tail and goes upstairs, you set out to find Lisa.
She’s in a downstairs bedroom at the end of the hall, being consoled by a bunch of girls. When she sees you she tells them it’s okay if they go. You sit down beside her.
“I am so totally mortified.” She’s holding her head in her hands.
“It’s really no big deal.” You’ll never get that image of her out of your mind, as long as you live. “Everybody falls down once in a while.”
“You know what I’m talking about.” She looks up at you defiantly.
“Sooo?” You can tell she’s not convinced by your carefully articulated argument. You guess you should say something else. “So what if a couple of people know how incredibly beautiful and sexy you are.”
“A couple?” She laughs, wiping the last of her tears away.
“Okay, so what if an entire roomful of people, some of whom are no doubt writers who will use this as material at some point in the future, saw, um, a side of you they’ve never seen before.” You’re happy when you see she’s laughing.
“Do you think you could sneak me out of here?” she says. “I can’t face anybody.”
You offer to shepherd her away as quickly as possible—and proceed to do so, taking her hand and leading her to the door while she hangs her head low. Once outside, she invites you back to her place and you go. There, because you’ve both had way too much to drink, you proceed to get naked and have unprotected sex. You fall asleep right after, then wake up when you feel a woman’s body stir next to you. For a second, you think it’s Sadie, then your splitting headache reminds you it’s not. Not by a long shot.
An arm stretches around you and rests on your stomach. Instinctively, you tighten your gut.
“That was amazing.” Lisa sighs contentedly. “Wouldn’t it be great if we’ve already made a baby?”
The End
You maintain eye contact with Sadie and raise your voice slightly. “Give the girl a break, will you, Mike?”
He shrugs and walks off, and Sadie approaches. “I feel so bad for her.”
“I know.” You’re willing your erection to go away, but with Sadie this close to you, her nipples just slightly jutting out under her shirt, it’s a losing battle. “I do, too.”
She takes a sip of her beer. “Your friend Dave’s nice.”
You’re reminded again that you’re mad at her. “Well, it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out you think so.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
You take a swig of your beer. “Nothing. I don’t mean anything. You two look great together.”
“What are you talking about? Just because I said he’s a nice guy doesn’t mean there’s anything going on.”
“It doesn’t?” There’s not?
“No.”
“But you asked him to a movie screening.”
“Yeah, well, he’s the only person I know who doesn’t balk at the idea of subtitles.”
“Oh.” This could be good.
“Why?” A smile creeps across her face. “Were you getting jealous?”
You take another sip of beer for cover. “Maybe a little.”
“There’s really no need.” She looks around the room for Dave, who’s talking to Will and Mike. “I guess I should make sure he knows that, huh?”
“Probably a good idea.”
“You’ll be here awhile?”
“You bet.”
Before long you see Sadie and Dave start talking to each other in a far corner of the room. You’re halfheartedly listening to a conversation Mike, Tracy, and Will and a few other people are having about the stupidest things they’ve ever done. You’re thinking of contributing a stupid thing you did last week until Tracy tells her story; last Christmas, she spent all day before a party she was having making this mulled wine, which basically involved letting all this fruit and stuff sit in it all day. When she went to strain the fruit out so the wine would be ready to serve, she poured the mixture through a strainer and proceeded to pour the wine right down the sink, leaving herself with a mushy pile of fruit. Everybody seems to agree it’s a tough story to beat.
You look at your watch and see that at least an hour has passed since Sadie and Dave started talking. You look over just in time to see Dave—could he be crying?—go for the door. Sadie looks after him, stunned.
If you go after Dave, read on here.
If you go to Sadie, read on here.
You exchange a brief, mutually concerned look with Sadie before going out into the hall after Dave. You call his name and he stops and turns on the stairs. “Dave, where you going?”
“Home.”
“Why?”
“It’s like in Dumb and Dumber, man. When the two guys are after the same girl. Or maybe more like Kissing a Fool. Oh, I don’t know. She likes you is the bottom line. Once again, I’m the idiot.”
“You’re not an idiot.”
“Yeah, whatever. I’m going to go, though.” He looks down at his shoes.
“You gonna be okay?”
“Me? Ha!” He waves a hand. “You kidding? I’ll be fine. I’ll pick up some Chinese, stop in the video store on the way, or maybe just pop in The Sound of Music, and life will be wonderful again. Now get back in there.”
If you decide to leave with Dave since he’s so down, read on here.
If you go back in to the party, read on here.
“I can’t, not yet. I need another drink first. And to fix my makeup.”
“And to grow a spine, apparently.” Hayley shrugs. “Hey, I think those pills are beginning to kick in. I’m starting to feel sort of weird.… I’m gonna go find the bathroom. Look after Tom while I’m gone and make sure he doesn’t get away.”
She passes Tom as she makes her way out, mouthing, “Be right back,” and giving her most winning smile. You take your glass of punch from him, keeping a close eye on Mark all the while. So far he hasn’t seen you—he’s talking to two guys over by the stereo.
“Yeah, you missed the excitement earlier,” says Tom. “Someone crashed the party and then rifled through a couple of jackets, trying to find stuff to steal. By the time we realized, it was too late to catch him. Bastard didn’t get much, just a purse and my wallet. Not that I had anything in there; I keep most of my money and credit cards on me. But there were little things; photos and souvenirs and stuff. Lindy should be careful—anyone could walk in here tonight. She’s too bombed to notice.”
You listen to this speech with amazement. Could it be his wallet that you picked up? Except that this guy’s name isn’t Lance. “What kind of souvenirs did you lose?”
“Just sentimental junk, I suppose.… A shamrock that my mother sent me from her trip to the Blarney stone. And, oh shit, Lance’s pills, too! I forgot I had those.”
“Lance?”
“Yeah, my dog, Lance. Big German shepherd. Great dog.”
“What does he need pills for?” you venture, trying to sound as flippant as someone with a desperate need to know can sound.
“The vet said he was constipated. Been like that for a few weeks now, so he gave me these big ol’ laxatives to put in his food. I’ll have to go back tomorrow and get more. Just hope Lance doesn’t make a mess around the house … hey, you going somewhere?”
“Just to check on Hayley. Back in a second.”
Those words about making a mess around the house are still resonating in your ears as you gallop up the stairs to find the bathroom. There’s no line, thank god. You knock at the door. “Hayley? It’s me. You okay?”
There’s a rustling sound and eventually the door opens a crack. Hayley peeks out. At the same moment, a noxious odor hits you full in the face. “I think I’m dying. I haven’t felt this bad since the night Cole took me to the Garden
of India and persuaded me to try his lamb vindaloo. Oh no, here we go again … get in here quick.”
You kneel down beside the bath, holding a towel in front of your mouth and nose, while she straddles the toilet. “Hayley, those pills you took. They’re laxatives.”
“No fucking kidding,” she deadpans. “Excellent diagnosis, Dr. Carter.”
“Hey, don’t take it out on me! They’re for Tom’s German shepherd, Lance.”
Hayley starts laughing in spite of herself, inducing another gush of whatever it is to pour out of her. “Oh my god … shit! I think that might have stemmed the flow for a few minutes. I’m gonna go call Cole and get him to pick me up; he should be finished work by now. Will you be okay? You wanna ride home?”
“I’ll be fine. Go on.”
She fixes her clothes and rushes out of the bathroom, clutching her stomach. You stay behind and open a window, but there’s no escaping the smell … it’s unbelievably putrid. You open the door and run right into Mark, who’s been waiting his turn. “Thanks.” He smiles and walks in, and the next thing you hear is a loud “Holy fuck!” and the sound of gagging. He staggers back out, gasping for air. “No offense, but I think you should see a doctor … soon,” he mutters, running downstairs.
“It wasn’t me!” is your weak response. What’s the use?
Hayley is just walking out the door as you get downstairs. “Cole’ll be here in a minute. You changed your mind about that ride?” she asks.
You nod glumly. “Someone kind of changed it for me.”
The End
“Is he okay?” you ask.
“Yeah.” Sadie wipes her brow. “I think so. Ego’s a little bruised is all.”
“What about you, you okay?”
“Yeah.” She doesn’t sound convinced. “But you know what: that whole thing really drained me. I think I’m going to go.”
Big Night Out Page 25
