by Kyra Lennon
His voice dropped, and his eyes locked onto mine. “Nothing. Just like I couldn’t do anything. It doesn’t seem fair. We had the same chances, but he messed up and he still gets everything. It’s the same with you.”
“What is?”
“He was the one who dragged you up on stage and got you in the papers, and you still forgave him. All he has to do is smile, and you forget that he fucked up. You might think you care about us equally but you’ve always favoured Jason. Right from when we were kids.”
Kids. That’s all we were when we met, and Jason was my favourite Brooks brother back then. I adored him, because children don’t want to hang around with people who never let loose and do something ridiculous just because. Jason was the person I had the most fun with, while Drew was serious and sensible. So many times he rolled his eyes when Jason and I built snowmen in the front yard or had water balloon fights in his garden. We’d walk through the house, drenched and giggling, and Drew would sigh at our immaturity. I wanted him to play but he always refused, always had more grown-up stuff to do. As I got older, I understood Drew had always carried extra responsibility, but now as adults, he still wouldn’t let go of a time I had long since left behind me.
“When we were kids, Drew, you would barely give me the time of day. Of course I preferred him. Now-”
“What?”
I glanced down at our still joined hands.
“Things are different.”
Following my gaze, he pulled away and stuffed his hands into his jeans pockets like a moody teenager. Thirty-one years old, and he’d morphed into a fourteen-year-old again. I wanted to pull his hand back, to be wrapped in his arms, or to run my fingers across his cheek the way I did in the club.
Without a coherent thought in my brain, I placed my hand on his face, then pressed my lips against his. Drew froze long enough to make my heart still, before his arms snaked around me. His mouth moved against mine slowly, like he wanted to savour every second.
Has he wanted this as long as I have?
The question had barely formed before he shoved me backwards away from his warmth.
“What the hell are you doing?” He stared at me as if I’d committed the worst crime ever.
A little shaken from being launched halfway down my hallway in his desperation to get me away from him, all I could do was blindly shake my head.
“I… I didn’t mean to-”
“You didn’t mean to kiss me? Then what was that? Your way of trying to make me feel better?”
“No! I-”
“If you’d listened to anything I said tonight, you wouldn’t have done that.” Drew kept his voice low. “I’m used to being second best, and I know I’ve always been second best with you, too. But you’ve never made me feel that way more than you have tonight.”
My heart began a slow descent to my stomach. His accusation that I’d fuelled Jason’s drug habit was a low blow, but it didn’t cause half as much pain as realising I’d hurt Drew. My insides withered under his gaze, making me ache in places I didn’t know I had inside me. I couldn’t stand it, the intensity in his eyes.
He took a step towards the door, his head lowered, and his slight movement scared me. I had to say something to make him stay, because if he left before I figured out what I wanted to tell him, the moment would pass and we’d both be too awkward to ever bring it up again.
Can’t make this worse, Ellie. Whatever happens, things will never be the same.
I couldn’t afford to stumble over my explanation. If I threw out words that weren’t completely honest, I’d only hurt him more.
The kiss wasn’t about wanting to make him feel better. It was about how he always protected me. How I felt his pain as if it was my own. How we both darted out of the club as soon as the coast was clear to go back to the hotel and watch a movie together.
It was about the man I’d grown up with, not the man who’d never grown up.
Still, the words wouldn’t come out.
“I need to go home,” Drew said. “We shouldn’t leave things this way, but I don’t know what else to do.”
“Drew, wait.”
“I can’t, Ellie.” He raised his head to look at me. “I can’t.”
This time, I knew I couldn’t stop him, so when he opened the door I let him go. He didn’t look back.
I spent the rest of the evening curled up on my window seat, looking out over St. Ives Bay. In the dark of winter, the town was beautiful with the lights from the houses below, and the moonlight shining on the sea. I reached for my phone to call Drew at least ten times, but I didn’t have a clue what to say. No matter how I rearranged the words in my head, I couldn’t find the combination that would make him understand why I kissed him. I knew how his mind worked. He wouldn’t believe me unless I gave him a specific date – rounded to the nearest hour – when I stopped having feelings for Jason, plus an exact breakdown of my thought process before my lips touched his. I didn’t have that kind of explanation in me; that’s not how it works.
But it’s exactly how Drew works.
He was supremely obsessive about things that meant a lot to him. If he couldn’t analyse and pick the situation apart until it made sense, it wasn’t worth the risk. He’d lived his whole life that way. After his mum died, for a while he was the only one who could take care of Jason. Their dad did the best he could, but the loss of his wife crippled him. At twelve years old, Drew became responsible for more than any child should ever be, and learning how to weigh up consequences so young was something he’d never been able to shake. Instead of loosening up, the need to be in control, to protect himself and the people he loved had only got stronger.
Unfortunately, understanding him didn’t make this any easier.
A knock at the door threw me out of my thoughts, and I glanced at the clock. A little past eleven. It had to be Drew. Nobody else would drop by so late. I untucked my legs from beneath me and ran to let him in.
When I opened the door, Drew made no move to come inside. He stood in the hall, hands in pockets, looking as confused as when he left. His hair was a dishevelled mess, and he was rocking his all-too-familiar furrowed brow.
But he’s here. Maybe I didn’t mess everything up. Relief mixed with a new wave of panic because this time… this time I had to find the words.
“Have you been out here all night?”
He shook his head. “I went for a drive. I knew you’d still be up.”
“Do you want to come in?”
I opened the door wider and he came in, shoulders hunched. He obviously came back for a reason so I leaned against the door, taking slow breaths to calm myself while I waited.
A full five minutes passed, and neither of us spoke a word. An uncomfortable silence hung in the air as we focused our eyes on anything but each other. I found it increasingly difficult as the minutes ticked by because I wanted to stare at him. To take in every detail of his face in a way I’d never been able to do before. Or at least in a way I’d never fully allowed myself to do before.
Risking a quick glance, I caught him doing the same thing.
“Why’d you come back, Drew?”
“Why’d you kiss me, Ells?”
I straightened up, raking my hands through my hair to stop myself charging forward and kissing him again. Kissing was easier than talking.
He needed more from me. He deserved more.
“Not for the reason you think. I kissed you because I wanted to.”
“Why? Why when you’ve always had a thing for Jason?”
“When we were kids.”
Drew shook his head. “No. It went on for longer than that. Much longer.”
“Drew, what do you actually know for sure about what happened between Jason and me?”
He shrugged. “I know you two were inseparable until you went to uni, and for a while after. And you’re always messing around together. Last night he embarrassed you by trying to make you sing, and all he had to do was say a quick sorry before you start
ed getting all huggy again.”
His jaw clenched. Was he jealous? Was that what made him so quiet after the gig?
Duh, Ellie. He kissed you back, and he’s freaked out. And you think he’s the idiot!
With a sigh, I stepped forward and reached for his hand. He didn’t close his fingers around mine, but he didn’t pull away either. I led him into the living room, and we sat down on the sofa. I let go of his hand as our bums hit the seat, but I stayed close to him.
“Drew, what I felt for Jason ended a long time ago. Yes, I thought I loved him once but it was young, don’t-know-a-damn-thing-about-anything love. He was my first crush, and in the end it fizzled out the way most first crushes do.”
“When?” Drew asked, his face still stony. “When did it fizzle out?”
“When I met Tom at uni.”
“You must have still had feelings for Jason. You don’t just fall out of love with someone. Feelings don’t go away overnight.”
Oh.
I wasn’t only dealing with his insecurity about his brother. Clearly, while he’d been driving around, he’d dug up the other painful memory he usually kept buried deep. Lisa. The cold-hearted bitch who made his life a misery.
She broke him, and when he started to heal, Jason broke him again.
I couldn’t change the past. Couldn’t erase the fact I once had a thing for Jason, or wipe away the pain Drew still carried around about the way Lisa treated him. She’d left so many scars. Scars the next woman in his life would have to work hard to heal. Even knowing as much about Drew as I did, I had no idea where to begin but I wanted to try.
“I don’t think I can ever explain in a way that will be enough for you. Maybe that’s why I kissed you. Because I didn’t think you’d believe me any other way.”
“So you did it to prove a point,” he said, standing up. “You say you don’t feel anything for Jason, but last night you were… you two were…” he stopped, shaking his head, his jaw clenching again as if the mere memory of Jason hugging me made him want to put his fist through a wall.
My insides fizzed with hope. I thought I’d been in this thing alone. His reaction over something so insignificant suggested otherwise, but I couldn’t let myself get too carried away yet. Not until I was sure he was in the same place as me.
“It was a hug, Drew. You’ve seen us hugging a million times.”
And I felt more in the five seconds I touched your cheek than I did in the few minutes I was with Jason.
“Yeah. Well, now it bothers me.” He wearily rubbed his hand across his forehead, turning away. “I didn’t want to get into this with you, Ells. It’s too complicated.”
“What is?”
“This. You. Me. I can’t handle it.”
“Why not?”
He spun around to face me. “Aren’t you afraid of what might happen?”
His shoulders were tense and I ached to go to him and ease it away. I got why he was so scared but he hadn’t given me anything to hold on to. Nothing to tell me exactly how he felt when I kissed him, or what he’d been thinking, or why he came back.
“I’m more afraid of what will happen if we don’t talk about this.”
“I don’t know where to start. I don’t remember when I started to…” he paused, suddenly twitchier than Jason used to get after a hit. He pulled at his sleeves, and I hated that he was so uncomfortable, but I wouldn’t let him sidestep the conversation. He forced me to talk, now it was his turn.
He sighed. “I’m not good at this.”
“Can you try? Please?”
Drew turned to me, his gaze softening. “I’ve wanted you to look at me the way you looked at Jason for so long. Now you are, and I don’t know if I can act on it.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t want to be second best, Ells. Not with you.”
I stared into his eyes, willing him to understand. Willing him to push aside his fears. When I was sure the truth was seeping into his brain, I stood up and reached for his hand, but pulled back, afraid of moving too fast, of messing things up before they started.
A thundering beat pounded in my chest, and Drew stepped forward, gently resting his hand on my cheek. With his other hand, he pulled me to him, closing the gap between us. The simple gesture of him stroking my cheek shouldn’t have affected me so much, but it sent a shiver through me, and when his lips met mine and he buried his hand in my hair, everything around me disappeared.
God, his kiss was intense. Soft and slow, but every brush of his lips told me how much he wanted this, maybe for even longer than I had. My arms circled around his waist and it took every ounce of strength I had not to whimper. For a big guy, his touch was so gentle. His fingers moved in little circles across my lower back, the way they had when we danced, shooting sparks up and down my spine.
When I woke up, I could smell Drew on me. On the clothes I’d fallen asleep in. He didn’t stay. He’d covered me with a blanket, and left me a note with three simple words.
See you tonight x
Those words set my head spinning. My insides swirled with nerves, which was ridiculous considering I’d known him forever and never been nervous around him before. But this was different. We were about to have our first official date. Granted, it was going to be at my flat because we were nowhere near ready to go public with our relationship yet, but it was still a big deal. Drew said if we couldn’t go out, he would bring a romantic restaurant experience to me. Well, he never said “romantic”. Romance is kind of implied on a first date, though, right?
We’d spent a lot of time talking the night before, wrapped up in each other. His arms circled around me; me leaning back against his chest, occasionally tilting my head for more kisses. There was a long way to go before the ghost of Jason was chased away forever, I understood that. One magical evening wouldn’t fix Drew’s insecurities. It wasn’t a guarantee of a happy ever after. It was a beginning. A promise to find our way through the mess together.
There’s a belief an artist can make beautiful creations out of anything. I was the definite exception to the rule. I thought I had some cloth napkins tucked away somewhere, but all I found in my cupboard was leftover paper Christmas napkins, frosty blue with cartoon elves on them. Not ideal for a romantic dinner, but they’d have to do. After spending more than an hour on the internet, trying to work out how to fold them into swans so the Christmas patterns wouldn’t be as obvious, I gave up and folded the squares in half to make triangles.
Uber creative.
I was a little behind schedule since I’d spent the afternoon perfecting and submitting my bunny to the publisher, and then faffing around with the napkins, so I showered quickly, and slipped into my sexiest underwear. There was no chance of Drew seeing my underwear yet – probably – but every girl feels more confident wearing her finest lingerie. I needed any extra confidence I could muster because nerves had taken hold of me in a big way.
I’d imagined a first date with Drew on the rare occasions I opened the Stop Thinking About Him compartment of my brain. I imagined I would feel excited, but I hadn’t counted on nerves rattling around me too. The night before, we’d crossed the friendship line. We were about to take another leap, and what if he changed his mind? What if Drew decided he was wrong, and couldn’t take such a huge gamble on us?
I rooted through my wardrobe until I found the item I was looking for; my black, knee length dress with full skirt that flared out at the hips. Perfect. The straps of the dress resembled belts with buckles, and although I deemed it the trendiest item of clothing in my wardrobe, I’d never worn it before. Once I was dressed, I set to work curling my hair, and added a little make-up.
When Drew arrived, the candles were lit, the lights were low, mood music played in the background, and my stomach turned over in a way it hadn’t done in years.
Butterflies because of my best friend. So. Weird.
I opened the door and greeted Drew with a smile that may have looked fake. Damn nerves.
&nbs
p; I’d seen him dressed up on many occasions, but this was the first time he made me breathless. Black trousers, a blue shirt, and carrying two bags full of ingredients to make dinner.
He definitely hadn’t changed his mind about us. He’d never looked hotter.
“Hey you.”
Drew smiled, his brown eyes connecting with mine. “You look amazing.”
“So do you.”
We stood awkwardly in the doorway and Drew said, “Are you going to let me in?”
“Yes, sorry.” I shifted out of the way so he could step inside. “I was just hoping my tummy would stop acting crazy.”
An uncharacteristic blush crossed Drew’s cheeks. “We can probably work through that together.”
Watching Drew cook in my kitchen, wearing my pink apron to keep his shirt clean, was almost as much fun as eating the meal. He made his famous lasagne, complete with homemade sauce. There was something bizarre about seeing a well-dressed rock star preparing dinner. Surely there were some rules of coolness he was breaking by being so domesticated? He could have at least brought a dessert to flambé so he had something to set fire to.
The food was incredible. I wouldn’t usually have eaten so much on a first date, but I figured it was okay to break that particular rule since we’d been friends for so long. Besides, since Drew had gone to so much effort, it would have been rude not to finish the entire dish. We sat at my Christmas-themed table, holding hands, the conversation flowing as easily as the wine.
“Will you dance with me, Ells?”
The gentle sounds of Sinatra played, and although I’d eaten so much I could barely move, I didn’t have to try too hard to muster enough energy for a slow dance.
I held him close, my head resting against his chest. I loved it there; breathing him in, hearing his heartbeat pounding as hard as mine. He wasn’t one of those guys who drowned himself in cologne. In fact, he rarely wore cologne at all. Drew smelled like the ocean; cool, powerful. Unless he’d been on stage, when he smelled of sweat, and his hands held the woody aroma of his drumsticks. Either way, the scent of him comforted me, excited me.
