by Kyra Lennon
He chuckled as I hugged him back.
“Urgh,” I groaned. “Busted.”
My super slow walk with lowered head probably gave me away. I’d put on a little extra make-up too, to cover up my pale cheeks. Actually, that was probably the giveaway.
He was absolutely right. I had no business parading last night’s drunkenness in front of a room full of addicts. I’d woken up, groaning like a T-Rex with an ice cream headache, and Lucy was in an equally bad way. I probably should have felt bad about letting her get so drunk, but - mutual misery aside – we’d had a fun evening.
“How are you doing?” I asked.
“Not too bad,” Jason answered as we strolled across the common room to a vacant sofa. “The cravings vary from day to day, or hour to hour, but it’s under control. It helps that this place is a lot nicer than the last one.”
I glanced around the room, taking in the soothing, pale blue walls hung with seascapes, and the modern furniture; cosy and adorned with squishy cushions. Definitely an improvement. Jason’s previous rehabilitation centre had the vibe of a nursing home; all floral patterns and frills.
Jason certainly looked better than he did the last time I saw him. His face had more colour, but the dark circles under his eyes and the stiffness of his movements showed me he wasn’t feeling as well as he pretended to be. How could he be? Withdrawal was hard on its own, but throw in a crumbling family, guilt, and pressure to get back on his feet for the band, and it was obvious he’d be struggling with it all.
As Jason’s eyes met mine, he wrapped his arm around my shoulders. My delicate physical condition, combined with my less than perfect mental state made me fall against him, teary-eyed.
Familiarity. That was what I needed. Jason’s hugs were about the most familiar thing in the world to me, more so than hugs from my family. It was kind of nostalgic. Like rediscovering the favourite childhood toy I used to reach for when I had a nightmare. Perhaps it should have been awkward. Or I should have felt like a traitor for visiting Jason but not calling Drew. Or maybe I was supposed to still be angry with Jason for landing himself back in rehab. Instead, I felt relieved. Relieved to be with someone who didn’t need an instruction manual for my brain.
And I knew it was what he needed, too.
“I missed you. I know that’s selfish since you’ve been stuck in here trying to deal with stuff but... I missed you.”
“You’re not selfish. If anyone’s selfish, it’s me. I’m in here, safe. I left you out in the real world dealing with all my mess.”
“This is where you need to be. Although, I sort of wish I could hide, too.”
Jason smiled. “If the staff realise how hungover you are, they might make a bed up for you!”
“Shut up.” I smacked his arm as I sat up, blinking the moisture from my eyes. “Tell me how you really are, Jason.”
He paused for a second, as if considering whether or not to tell me the truth. “I’ve been better. I should have phoned you the night before I came here but I didn’t ... I wasn’t sure if you wanted to talk to me." He lowered his gaze, and shuffled a little in his seat. “I know we were okay when you left the hospital. I didn’t know if we’d still be okay once you’d had time to think.”
Time to think was all I’d had. Thoughts kept me awake, stilted my concentration for even the smallest tasks, and made me hurt in ways I never knew were possible. I’d never felt anything other than sadness for Jason. Well, aside from the guilt because I hadn’t realised what he’d been going through.
“We’re okay,” I told him. “I’m sorry I didn’t come back to see you, it was just... being back in the hospital was the worst place to be. I didn’t want to fight through the journalists, I didn’t know how much people knew about what I did-”
“Ellie, wait.” Jason held up his hands. “I know you think you did a horrible thing by lying for me-”
“It was horrible. I could have killed you.”
“No, I could have killed me. I was an asshole for asking you to lie for me. I should have let you do what you wanted to do. What you said in the hospital was right. Either way, I was going to end up in rehab. I didn’t know how much I needed to be here until I sat in my old bedroom, lining up the coke in front of me. It was too late for me to stop when I’d got that far. I should have called you to help me but the cocaine took over.” He paused, shaking his head. “I can’t explain it any better.”
We’d been through this so many times. Jason trying to explain why he did what he did, and me trying hard to make sense of his reasons, but failing because I’d never been an addict. There’s only so far understanding can go when you’ve never been in another person’s position. Battling so hard, and stumbling every time because that thing, that hook they needed to keep them going kept calling out, tempting them back.
“I’m scared, Ellie. I’m scared no matter how hard I try, I’m always going to end up here.”
Jason threw his head back, and I covered his hand with mine, gripping tightly as if my hold could save him, drag him back from his fears. “Hey,” I said trying to control my shaky voice. “I don’t want to hear you talk that way. You managed two years clean at a time when you couldn’t get out of bed without using. You’re more determined now. I saw it in your eyes when you were in hospital.”
“Do you see it now?” he asked, the last of his bravado slipping away.
I gave a weak smile as a tear dripped down my cheek. “Yeah. I do. Buried deep, but it’s there.”
“I can’t feel it.”
“You will. As long as you don’t stop looking.”
Jason released my hand, and pulled me into another hug, clinging to me. I hugged him back equally as hard, our tears raining down on each other. I didn’t care about the other people in the room. Chances were, they’d all had a similar conversation with their own friends and family, and although it would have been better in private, what mattered was Jason’s honesty. Keeping everything bottled up was how he, and all of us, landed up in such a mess. The only way through was by opening up.
“How’s the counselling going?” I asked, eager to move on to a less soul-crushing conversation.
“It’s good. I don’t feel like I’m talking to a counsellor, it’s more like I’m having a chat with someone who knows what I’ve been through. Well, I am. A few of the workers here trained to do this job because they’ve been in my position.”
“What do you talk about? I mean, you don’t have to tell me-”
“Mostly Drew.”
Aaand, back to soul-crushing.
“Have you seen him?”
Jason shook his head. “Not since I was in hospital. Dad said Drew waited around until he arrived, but I didn’t see him after he stormed out.”
That was Drew. Although he didn’t want to talk to his brother, he still refused to leave him alone at the hospital. He cared enough to wait, in spite of his own pain.
A familiar ache pushed at my insides. I missed his face, his smile, the feel of his hand in mine, his hands on me.
Everything.
“One of the reasons we’re not allowed visitors for the first week in here is so we have time to think. And no matter how much you’re going to tell me what happened between you and Drew isn’t my fault, I know it is."
I opened my mouth to speak, but Jason continued. "It’s not only about you and Drew. Dad told me about your illustrating job. I’m gonna... when I get out of here, I’ll do all I can to help you. If I hadn’t ended up in hospital, you wouldn’t have gotten fired. I need to fix it."
“You can’t fix it. I’d probably have lost the job anyway once the author realised I was dating a member of a rock band, and you can’t fix me and Drew because he doesn’t want us fixed. I lied to him. I did everything he was worried I’d do. How can I expect him to trust me?”
“I’m not having that.” Jason shook his head. “Why are you giving up?”
“Don’t make it sound as if I don’t care. I know how his mind works and no amount of t
alking will take back what I did. You of all people should understand how hard he clings onto the things that hurt him.”
“If you give up on him, you’ll hurt him more.”
“I’m scared, okay? I hate being away from him, it’s killing me. But I can’t win him back with a few sweet words, and I can’t try because I don’t ever want to hear him tell me it’s over again. I can’t do it.”
I’d relived the moment Drew walked away from me so many times, and it never hurt any less to visualise the look on his face before he said his last words to me. At the time, I couldn’t imagine hurting any more. Each day, I was proved wrong. Regular visits from my parents didn’t do much to lift my mood. They came, forced me to eat, tried to make me call Drew, then left. I’d expected Jason to understand my reasons for not talking to Drew, even if my mum and dad didn’t.
“Ellie. If you let this go, you’ll regret it. I saw how you were together and how much he needed you when he was arguing with me, and I’m a dick for not seeing it before. Because it’s been obvious for a long time. He’s completely in love with you, and that isn’t going to change overnight."
I closed my eyes, the ache taking over, colliding with my hangover and ripping through me so I folded in half, resting my forehead on Jason’s knees.
I wasn’t sure if it was my raging hangover or the emotion I cried out with Jason, but every part of my body hurt. It took days to recover, and I spent all of them thinking about the things Jason had said. I loved that he wanted to help me, I just couldn’t see any way he could. There was no “fix” for Drew and me. I could have apologised again. I could have waited outside his window and grovelled, and I would have if I thought it would make a difference. The fact remained, I’d broken his trust and he’d closed off from me as though we never existed. I didn’t know how to fight that.
At some point, I knew I’d have to get back to normality, so I dragged my miserable arse out of my flat and headed out to visit my parents. I hadn’t been to their house since the night Jason overdosed; hadn’t been anywhere other than the supermarket and the rehab centre. I figured Mum and Dad would be glad to see me wearing proper clothes instead of pyjamas or trackie bottoms and a hoodie, until I realised that at eleven a.m on a weekday, they probably wouldn’t be in.
As I pulled up outside my family home, I did a quick scan around for Drew’s car, just in case by some weird coincidence, he was visiting his dad. All clear.
Great. Now what?
“Ellie!”
Lucy must have seen my car through the window. She stood on the doorstep, beaming, bouncing on the balls of her feet.
Sheesh, she needs to ease off the coffee.
“Morning, Luce.” I climbed out of the car, my bag slung over my shoulder.
“I’m so glad you’re here!”
“What’s up?”
Lucy ran down the path, her fingers digging into my arm as she pulled me into the living room and sat me in my dad’s armchair - a strong indication he definitely wasn’t home.
“Wait there,” Lucy said, before skipping out and thundering up the stairs.
Okay. My sister had always been sunny, but the way she darted around the house, all smiley and secretive was downright creepy. She’d hardly spoken a word, yet she appeared giddy with barely contained glee. I felt as though I’d slipped into the start of a horror movie, where the person who looked like Lucy was actually some alien life form from another planet on a mission to take over the world, one human at a time.
When she returned, she had her hands behind her back.
“Seriously. What’s going on?”
“I’m about to tell you, dear sister.” She paused to giggle. “Okay, I have a gift for you, but you can’t look until I’ve gone. I need to take a shower, and when I come back, we’ll talk.”
My immediate thought was she had a pregnancy test gripped in her hands, and needed the time to shower for me to calm down enough not to strangle her. Based on our conversation a few nights ago, I knew I was letting my mind run away with me. Besides, she was way too happy for that to be the case.
“What is it?” I asked, a hint of nervousness creeping into my voice.
“It’s nothing bad. It’s... an idea. From Jason.”
“Wait. How have you been getting ideas from Jason?”
Her words came out in a rush. “I went to visit him yesterday. I booked an appointment because... I wanted to see him.”
Any hope I’d had that her feelings for Jason were a passing phase vanished when my brain registered the look on her face. Somewhere between happiness at seeing him and sadness... maybe because he showed no sign of thinking of her as anything more than a little sister.
“How is he?” I hoped to distract her with facts, rather than allowing her mind to wander.
“Determined. He’s determined to get out of that place and not go back. And,” she added, her smile returning, “he’s determined to help you.”
Yup. That was Jason. Once he got an idea, he wouldn’t let go until every possibility of it working out had been blasted to pieces. I appreciated his efforts, I just didn’t think there was any plan he could concoct that had a shot at succeeding. And involving Lucy? This wasn’t her battle to fight, and if she mistook his trust to help with this for more, she would get hurt.
I didn’t have the strength to hold both of us together.
“I’m going to visit him tomorrow,” I said. “Couldn’t it have waited until then?”
“Probably. But he gave me the... idea, hoping you’ll have made a decision by the time you see him.”
“Fine. What is it?"
Lucy released her hands from behind her back and handed me an A4 sized padded envelope. The contents were super thin because I couldn’t feel anything through the inner bubble wrap.
“You have to read the letter carefully, and think before you say no. Jason said you’re going to refuse, and asked me to tell you it’s not as crazy as it seems.” She stared at me, as if the fate of the whole universe was in my hands. “Okay. I’ll let you read in peace.”
Once she left the room, the only sound was my deep breathing as I tried to work out what might be in the envelope, and why Jason was so sure I’d refuse.
Wait. What was I thinking? If it was Jason’s idea, it would probably be insane, so of course I’d reject it. On the other hand... Jason’s crazy ideas often worked out.
“Oh bloody hell,” I muttered, tearing into the package and upturning it so the contents spilled into my lap.
Two pieces of writing paper and a CD.
Okay.
I picked up the piece of paper that fell out first, and my breath hitched as I read:
Nobody Knows lyrics by Drew Brooks
A little girl, a lonely step
A little boy who didn’t know who he was yet
She held his hand, she dried his tears
Picking up the fragments of shattered years
Asking nothing, she waited there
With a patient smile and cranberry-scented hair
I needed her, my light, my sun
I never knew what she’d become
Nobody knows how hard I tried
To fix the pain buried inside
To keep on swimming when I wanted to drown
To stop the waves from pulling me down
Nobody knows how much it takes
To stay complete when I want to break
When there’s nothing left one thing is true
Nobody knows but you
Tears blurred my vision so I couldn’t read anymore, but Drew’s familiar scrawl and his beautiful words hit me deep in my chest. My song. The song he’d hidden from me in London. I could never have imagined such perfect lyrics. Lyrics that reflected everything we’d been through from the start. All this time, he remembered the day we met, the way I sat quietly beside him and waited for him to be ready to play. The way I always waited for him.
How much more amazing would it have been if Drew had shown me the song? I’d have
hugged him so hard. Told him how much it meant that he’d written words I felt in every part of me. They were a part of me. Part of us.
A tear dripped onto the page and I quickly moved the paper aside so as not to smudge the words.
God, I miss him so much.
To distract myself from the feeling of my insides shrivelling, I picked up the other piece of paper.
This is the one song for the new album Drew kept from me. He didn’t want me, or anyone to see until everyone knew you were together. He gave it to Mack, and he still wants it on the album, even though it’s so different from what we normally do, but he won’t play it live.
Mack recorded a version of the song on the CD enclosed. It’s only him and a guitar, and it’s fucking brilliant. You wanna get Drew back? Learn it. Derek has arranged a small homecoming gig for us in three weeks, when I’m out of rehab. It’ll be invite only, family and friends, and some people from town who have always supported us. Sing the song. Tweak the lyrics and sing it for him, Ellie. You can do this.
Think about it.
Jason
Sing the song. Sing the song? He must still be high.
Did he not know Drew at all? How could I get up in front of the people we knew best and sing a song he himself didn’t want to sing? Being the centre of attention was not Drew’s thing. That was why he liked the drums so much. He could do what he loved while hiding at the back of the stage. If I made some massive deal about this song... I couldn’t see how it would help.
With a sigh, I picked up the CD, twirling it around in my fingers. Part of me felt hearing those lyrics come to life would be peering into a part of Drew’s brain he didn’t want me to see. He still wants it on the album. Soon, everyone will see.
A ripple of hope trickled through me. If he didn’t want me to hear the song, why would he want it recorded? A permanent record of his feelings would surely be the last thing he’d want if he was done with me.
Unless... he wanted to remind me what I threw away.
I rose from my seat and removed Mum’s Olly Murs album from the CD player, replacing it with Jason’s gift.
