by Kyra Lennon
I’d intended to avoid Drew until the show started. Unfortunately, he was the first person I bumped into when I walked into the pub with Lucy and my parents.
He looked so good. So. Good. Ripped jeans, and a black button up shirt, sleeves rolled up to the elbows. The mix of formal and scruffy made my mouth dry out and my legs shake. I somehow choked out a hello, and I thought I saw him give me a quick once over before muttering he had to finish getting ready.
It happened again. Ache in my chest, spreading to my stomach and through my limbs until the tips of my fingers and toes throbbed with the pain of missing him.
I darted into the loos immediately after, and didn’t intend to leave until the band’s first song started.
“You’re ready for this. You need to do this.”
“I need to puke.”
I turned to look at myself in the mirror, staring at my reflection and trying to find some internal bravery. Before I had chance to locate my inner diva, someone knocked on the door of the ladies room. Lucy and I exchanged puzzled glances, and she disappeared around the corner to see who was weird enough to knock on the door of a pub toilet before entering.
“Is she in here?”
Jason.
“Yeah, she’s in here. You might as well come in, there’s nobody else around.”
Oh goody, it’s pep talk time. I needed one. I wasn’t scared enough to run away, but I began to think, if Jason wanted Drew to hear me sing, he’d have to drag him into the toilets because my feet were starting to take root right there.
When Jason laid eyes on me, he halted, staring. “Whoa.”
“What?” I panicked and turned to the mirror again. “What’s wrong?”
Nope No mascara down my face – surprising since I hardly ever wore the stuff. No lipstick on my teeth and my hair wasn’t frizzy.
Again, Lucy giggled, and Jason said, “Nothing’s wrong. You look incredible.”
I glanced at him over my shoulder. The thing was, I really thought I looked okay. Feeling miserable had limited my appetite, and I’d lost six pounds, making my hips a little less wide, and giving my waist a bit of definition. I’d bought new jeans - a size smaller than usual - and a close fitting black, long-sleeved top with a cowl neck. Simple, but with my hair plaited over my left shoulder and some make-up - courtesy of my little sister – I at least appeared confident, even if I didn’t feel it.
“Thanks.” I gave a weak smile while my stomach whizzed around again.
Jason took my hands, pulling me away from the mirrors. “I wanted to say something before we get started out there because if I don’t do it now, the moment will pass and... well, it needs to be said.”
The seriousness on his face freaked me out a bit, and Lucy stepped back as if she wanted to disappear into the white tiled walls so as not to intrude.
“What is it?”
“Okay,” Jason began, squeezing my hands. “I know tonight is a massive deal for you. I know you’ve had second thoughts every day, and I know how scared you must be. The only reason I pushed so hard for you to do this, Ellie, is because I want you to be happy. I want Drew to be happy. Every time I’ve messed things up for you, you never complained. Never blamed me, and never stopped being there for me. I’ve been a total prick. I did some stuff I’ll always be ashamed of and… you don’t deserve to be miserable because I made bad choices. I’m sorry, Ellie. I was wrong to ever say you and Drew didn’t make sense. You do. You make so much sense. So, if I’ve been a pushy asshole these past few weeks, it’s because I have to make this right again. I need to do it for you. Both of you. Best friends forever, right?”
I nodded, tears threatening to smudge my make-up at the reminder of our childhood promises in the snow. I never needed an apology from Jason, not really. Sorry was only a word, after all. All I wanted was for him to get his act together and, to stop making the same mistakes over again. I knew what he was doing all along, why he pushed so hard to help me fix my relationship with Drew. Knowing he wanted to do it, to make up for some of the crap he put Drew and me through meant more than I could explain.
“I don’t know what’s going to happen tonight,” he went on. “I can’t predict what Drew will do or say. I’ll be here whatever happens, though. And those people out there,” he added, pointing towards the door, “they only want the best for you. All of them, even the ones who don’t know you well. You’re as much a local celebrity as the band, not because of who we are, but because you were flooding this town with your artwork while we were still trying to get our shit together as a group. So... shake off the nerves, okay? You can do this.”
I threw my arms around Jason, unable to speak.
“Right,” he said, his voice shaking slightly. “I have to get out there. Two minutes to show time.”
I gave him a final squeeze, realising the next time I saw him, it would be on stage. Strangely, though, I didn’t feel as sick as before. “Thank you.”
Jason kissed my cheek. “Good luck, Ellie.”
As he headed out, he gave Lucy a grin that made her cheeks flush. When the door closed behind him, I said, “You just fell in love with him, didn’t you?”
Her face glowed more, and she lowered her head. “That was so sweet of him. I... yeah. A little bit.”
A little bit more. I’d watched Lucy since she revealed her feelings to me, knowing at some point, she’d either get over it, or fall harder. With no idea what he’d done, with his kindness and killer smile, Jason made her fall. I couldn’t stop it, she was too far gone. Instinct told me to warn her how dangerous it was to want someone like Jason; someone so unpredictable and adored, and completely wrong for her. Realism told me it would be a waste of breath. Why lecture her on what she already knew?
“Come on, Luce.” I reached for her hand. “Let the madness begin!”
The pub had filled up a lot since we arrived, and we had to nudge through the crowd to our parents and Michael, who’d managed to blag one of the few available tables. Most of the tables and chairs that normally occupied space had been moved out to make way for the specially invited audience, but some remained around the edge of the room and near the bar.
“Are you okay?” Mum asked, as we sat down. She had her concerned, we can leave if it gets too much face on. I hadn’t meant to worry her by hiding in the toilets for so long; she’d been in a constant state of worry since Drew and I broke up. It was a massive indication of how miserable I’d been, because most of the time, Mum was not a big worrier.
I nodded. “Yeah. Everything’s fine.”
As fine is it can be while I sit here and prepare for the most important moment of my life so far.
Not gonna lie, concentrating on the show was hard, but I listened, sang along, loved how well Jason looked, and how at home he was in front of an audience. If they hadn’t already known, nobody would have guessed he almost died a few weeks ago. The memory made goose bumps pop up across my skin; the image of him in a hospital bed, hooked up to machines. Now, Jason fired up the crowd as though he’d never been away. None of us could predict his future or say for sure if he’d kicked the coke for good this time. What mattered was that he was trying.
Cheers and whistles of appreciation filled the room after the last song ended. Those who had been sitting were on the their feet, and the people who’d bounced around to the entire set continued to jump, waving their arms in the air in support of their favourite band.
Cameras flashed, journalists frantically scribbled notes, and I knew, right there and then, it really was the beginning for them.
The guys all stepped to the front of the stage to take a bow, and it couldn’t have been clearer how glad Mack and Joey were to have Jason back. Even Drew’s eyes flickered with pride as chants of his brother’s name filled the room. I knew if I’d asked him, he’d have insisted he was still angry with Jason, and they had a long way to go before things were good between them again. It would have been true, too. But there was no disguising the genuine happiness on his face that the b
and was back together. Back home.
And that, right there, was the reason I fell for him. Drew could be grumpy, stubborn, unreasonable, obsessive and insecure. But he was also the man who carried me home when Jason got me stoned. The man who never had to ask what I needed; just gave it to me, sometimes before I knew myself. The man who let me hide out with him in his flat because neither of us wanted to face the world after Jason tore us both down, leaving us exhausted and broken.
The man who, although he had a million reasons to, never gave up on the things he wanted, and the people he loved.
I had no idea if I was still one of those people, but I was about to find out.
Instead of the usual dash-off-the-stage-to-avoid-the-overexcited-hordes, Jason took the mic again, his eyes swivelling towards me, silently asking if I was ready; if I was sure.
In that moment, he would have let me back out, I knew it. Because in spite of his need to fix some of the damage he’d done, he would never force me to do something I didn’t want to do.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I nodded.
“Okay, ladies and gents,” Jason said, turning back to the crowd, “we’re not quite finished here yet. Before I go on, I ask you to remember the no videos rule, because this gig tonight... it’s for you. What happens in here stays in here. Like Vegas.” A small chuckle rippled around the room, but there was no disguising the building tension. It definitely wasn’t just my own, bouncing off the walls and affecting everyone. The audience whispered to each other, creating an excited buzz.
“Are you okay?” Lucy whispered, making me jump. I was trying to get in the zone, whatever the hell that meant. Does anyone really know what it means?
“I think so,” I whispered back, and she held onto my hand as she turned her attention back to Jason.
Me? I watched Drew looking at Mack and Joey, like he was trying to figure out if they knew why Jason was still talking. They carefully avoided his gaze.
I stopped hearing Jason’s words. There was only one word I needed as my cue. My name. Until then, my eyes stayed on Drew.
One thing I’d never needed help with when singing Drew’s song, was emotion. Maybe it would never win any prizes for being the most lyrically beautiful song ever written, but it was ours. It was about us, and I felt it, every word, because I’d lived it.
I’d never had to sing it with him in the room, though. With his eyes on me while I sang the words he wrote. How could I do that? Drew was maybe six or seven feet away from me, and I’d started to shake the second I allowed myself to really look at him. Taking in the way his dark hair curled against the collar of his shirt, the sweat trickling down his cheek, his fingers still wrapped around his drumsticks as though they were a part of him the way I used to be a part of him.
How would it be when there was hardly any distance between us? When he was close enough to touch?
Mouth dry. Hands clammy and shaking. Heart smacking against my chest so hard it might burst out.
I flicked my head around to look at Lucy, ready to tell her I couldn’t do it.
It was too late. Jason said my name, calling me to the stage.
My head was a jumbled mess, like someone had poured a tin of Alphabetti Spaghetti where my brain used to be.
“Deep breaths.” Lucy stroked the back of my hand. “You can do this.”
Those moments in movies, when time slows down, and everything drags across the screen, building the tension to the big money shot everyone’s been waiting for.
That was my walk to the stage.
On trembling legs, I reminded myself why I needed to do this. I wanted to.
I shook my head, trying to stop the endless stream of gibberish thoughts rattling around my mind, and when I reached Jason’s side, he put his arm around my shoulders to steady me.
“You okay?” Jason whispered, as the mumbles of the crowd lessened.
“I don’t know yet. I guess we’ll find out together.”
Behind me, shuffling feet alerted me to Mack taking his place. I wasn’t sure where Joey and Jason went, and I couldn’t see Drew, but I knew he hadn’t left the stage. His eyes burned into my back.
Being on stage wasn’t like the last time. The pub didn’t have an expensive, blinding lighting system, so I could see everyone in the crowd staring at me, waiting. Natalie, stunning in a red dress, totally inappropriate for a pub gig in the middle of winter but beautiful all the same; Derek, willing me on with encouraging eyes. Then Lucy, who popped up at the front of the stage, smiling proudly, as if I was the coolest big sister in the world.
I’m not cool. I’d made a mess of everything.
The people in front of me blurred as tears flooded my eyes again. Mack started to play, and the insanity of what I was about to do hit me full force.
Drew wrote this beautiful song for me, and I broke him. Broke his trust. Broke his heart.
I was worse than Lisa. She played on his insecurities, and dropped him when he’d reached his lowest point. I swore I’d never be like her. That I’d never hurt him. I promised him I wouldn’t lie to him, or make him feel second best, and what did I do? The only thing guaranteed to send him spiralling back to the place in his mind where he felt like nothing.
I did that to him. And I planned to fix the mess with a reminder of everything I ruined?
I turned to Mack, holding up my hand for him to stop playing. Silence fell over the room. Not a single whisper broke through the quiet. I clung to the microphone, breathing deeply and trying not to pass out from the two hundred pairs of eyes watching me.
Lucy.
I blinked to clear my vision and found her again. She’d pushed her way to the front of the crowd, and looked up at me with a supportive smile. “Talk to him,” she mouthed.
Maybe it was always that simple. Maybe all I ever needed to do was talk to him without all... this. It never felt like enough, though.
“Okay,” I began, taking a deep breath. “I guess you’re all wondering what’s going on. The truth is there are only five people in this room who knew what is supposed to be happening right now. The sixth person, I’m sure, figured it out when he heard the opening to his song.”
I still didn’t have the strength to look at anyone other than Lucy, though. If I focused on my sister, I could forget about everyone else.
My legs were weak, ready to collapse at any second. They weren’t strong enough to carry me off the stage, so I dug my heels into the floor, hoping they’d last until I’d finished... whatever I was going to say.
“The song that didn’t get played is something special. Something so special, I don’t think I have any right to attempt it. But the person who wrote the song... the person who writes every single Razes Hell song that gives you goose bumps, he’s pretty special, too."
Closing my eyes, I breathed deeply again. Stopping the tears was impossible, so I hoped to hell nobody attempted to photograph me with make-up streaked down my face. I had to see this through to the end, whatever the consequences.
“I never thought I’d do anything like this. I never thought I’d stand in front of people and talk about private things. I’m not a celebrity. I’m Ellie. I do normal things like everyone else. I paint pictures, and hang around my flat wearing old baggy shirts and eating junk food. Sometimes I stay in my pyjamas all day, and cook weird crap from leftovers because I can’t be bothered to go to the supermarket. The other very normal thing I do is fall in love." Pause. Breathe. "I fell in love with Drew Brooks. I didn’t see it happening until I was so far gone it hurt to not be with him.”
My whole body quivered, my vision blurring again as I thought about the nights I still clung to Drew’s shirt, though it didn’t smell like him anymore.
I wiped my eyes, and continued.
“I thought... before he knew how I loved him, I thought that was the most painful thing in the world. Loving him, and being too afraid to tell him. But you know what hurts more? Knowing he’s right behind me, right now, and the only reason I’m not standing b
eside him is because I made a stupid, horrible mistake. But even if... if this doesn’t go the way I want tonight, I just... I think he deserves to know there’s someone who loves him enough to... to learn a song for him and-”
There was more. So much more I wanted to say, but familiar hands touched my waist, making the rest of my words stick in my throat. My already weak legs quivered as the hands I knew so well turned me around, turning my back to the audience.
I closed my eyes. Drew cupped my face in his hands, brushing away my tears with his thumbs.
“Eleanor Jane,” he said, his voice husky. “What am I going to do with you?”
My heart hammered so fast I could hardly breathe. Instead of speaking, I let myself get lost in the gentle movements of his fingers over my cheeks, drying each droplet of moisture that fell.
“Look at me.”
I shook my head. Still not ready.
Drew’s lips planted soft kisses on my eyelids, causing flutters in my stomach. “Look. At. Me.”
“I can’t,” I whispered.
“No?” His stubble lightly brushed my cheek, making my heart beat harder. “I think the girl who told a room full of people how much she loves someone can do anything she wants to.”
I didn’t feel anywhere near as brave as he made me sound, but it was easier to fake when he held me.
Everything was easier with him.
Slowly, I lifted my eyelids, and he smiled though his own eyes were glistening. “There’s my girl.”
“Drew-”
“Wait.”
Without any warning, he swept me off the ground, and the crowd – who I’d completely forgotten about – gave a loud cheer as Drew walked off the stage with me in his arms.
He carried me outside, placing me back on my feet in front the pub’s doors. The cold hit me immediately. My internal organs were on pause, waiting for Drew to speak. He stood in front of me, not touching me, just watching me with awe.
“I can’t believe you did that for me. You… you were going to sing your song.”
I nodded, my body relaxing a little. “I practised. A lot. I’m sorry I couldn’t do it, Drew. I … it felt wrong, like I was using the words you wrote to make you feel guilty or something, and-”
