by James, Clara
“It’s okay,” he responded. “I probably shouldn’t be here anyway,” he added with a sigh. “I just wanted to be, I suppose.”
“Yeah,” she breathed, pulling the door closed behind her and wandering to the couch. Without another word, she sat down next to him. She was not quite close enough for their bodies to be in contact, but she didn’t feel the need to scoot right to the other end of the couch either. They’d shared something, which meant even though they’d only known each other a very short time, they felt bonded somehow. “How have you been?” she asked quietly.
“Not great,” he responded. “I haven’t really known what to do with myself. In some ways, it still doesn’t feel real.”
“I know what you mean,” she agreed, her eyes focused on the middle distance in front of her as she nodded. “The last few months...” she slowly began. “It all seems like it was just some horrible dream.”
Running both hands through his hair, Reece’s fingers angrily clasped at the back of his head. “I wish I could go back,” he breathed. “There are so many things I would have done differently.”
“You can’t blame yourself,” Rosalind pointed out, her face turning so she could look at the taut muscle in his jaw.
Unwilling to accept that, Reece shook his head vehemently. “I should have done more to convince her to start treatment earlier,” he stated.
“You heard the doctor,” she sighed. “There was very little he could have done, even if she’d had radiotherapy right at the beginning.”
Reece couldn’t argue the truth of that statement; it had been what Doctor Luitger had said, almost verbatim. Nevertheless, he believed that was not something they could know for sure. Maybe she would have gotten better, but now they would never know. And there was a much more oppressive guilt weighing down on him. “I should have told her the truth,” he whispered.
Rosalind didn’t know what that meant and felt it would be inappropriate to pry. Instead, she remained quiet, waiting for him to offer an explanation if he wanted to give one. As seconds of silence passed, it become increasingly obvious that he didn’t want to.
Ever since Allie had been wheeled into surgery, he’d been mentally kicking himself for lying to her. It all seemed so stupid and trivial now. His desire to live a ‘normal’ life and going under the radar seemed completely immaterial in the grand scheme of things. He hated the fact he’d been dishonest, but even more than that, he hated the fact that Allie died knowing he’d lied to her and never been given a reason.
He wondered what her last thoughts had been. If she’d thought of him at all, was it just to decide he was an asshole who she didn’t really know? Reece knew that question and similar thoughts would haunt him for the rest of his life.
“Have you spoken to the landlord?” Ros asked, finding the silence uncomfortable.
“Briefly,” Reece mumbled, only barely interested in the conversation.
“What’s he going to do?”
Inhaling, before slowly getting to his feet. Reece kept his back to her as he answered. “I’m going to pay for a couple of months rent,” he announced. “Give her parents a chance to come and go through her stuff when they feel ready to.”
“And after that?” Ros continued to question.
“I don’t know,” he shrugged, reluctantly turning to face her. “I guess we’ll see where we are and make a decision from there.”
Curiosity arching her brow, Rosalind realized that Reece must have some idea or at least options he’d been mulling over. “What are you thinking?” she probed. “If you don’t mind me asking,” she quickly added.
“I’m not sure,” he replied honestly. He stuffed his trembling hands into his pocket as his eyes did a circuit of the room. “Part of me thinks it’s best to let it go, but another part wants to keep it. Maybe I’ll buy the place,” he sighed.
“You’d live here?” she blurted.
“No,” he quickly responded. “No, I don’t think I could. But I also don’t think I could stomach the thought of someone else living here, you know?”
Ros nodded her understanding. She didn’t question him further, although she wondered how he’d be able to afford to buy an apartment that would then be left empty. It didn’t matter, she determined. It was none of her business anyway.
“So, umm,” he coughed, trying to clear the uncomfortable lump that had suddenly developed in his throat. “What brought you here?”
“Oh,” she breathed. “Same as you, I guess. I just wanted to feel closer to her.” Glancing around the small apartment, everything was just as Allie had left it. “It’s funny,” she sighed. “I expect her to walk back through the door any minute. It’s almost as if she’s just popped to the office or gone to pick up some groceries.”
Reece anxiously chewed at the inside of his mouth as his eyes danced around Allie’s home. He knew exactly what Rosalind meant, it did feel as though Allie would be back any minute now. However, his rational brain painfully reminded him that simply wasn’t true.
“That probably sounds stupid,” Rosalind muttered, shaking her head.
“No, it doesn’t,” he corrected her, realizing she’d construed his silence as disagreement. “It’s not stupid at all,” he sighed.
“Well,” she sighed, placing her hands on her thighs and pushing herself up from the couch. “I suppose I’d better go, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“It’s okay,” he assured her, his right foot rubbing patterns on the floor. “I just felt like I wanted to spend tonight here.”
“Yeah,” she mumbled, quietly making her way toward the door. “I’ll...umm, see you tomorrow.” The mention of the word ‘tomorrow’ was too much and her voice cracked. No tears actually fell from her eyes, but they filled with emotion that she’d believed had been drained several times over.
Reece couldn’t bear to think of the following day, either. Although he’d been saying ‘goodbye’ to Allie for the last three days, the time had come to bid a final farewell. Her funeral had originally been planned as a small affair, but as it turned out large numbers of people from the city wanted to pay their respects, and it would now be much larger than he suspected Allie would have wanted. Nevertheless, her parents seemed to gain great comfort in the fact that their daughter was so well-respected and admired. In truth, it gave Reece a strong sense of pride too, but it didn’t blunt the pain one bit.
Rosalind watched his eyes glaze over and knew that he was dwelling on agonizing thoughts. “If you need me at all...” she muttered, knowing that there was very little she could do for him.
“Actually, Ros,” he snapped his head darting up. “Before you go, I wondered if you could tell me something.”
The change in his demeanor was dramatic. He suddenly moved back to the couch and swept up Allie’s laptop with a renewed energy. Rosalind moved toward him, when he beckoned her with his index finger. She watched him, as he slapped the keyboard’s space bar and the computer lurched back to life.
“When was this?” Reece asked, pointing to the image.
Rosalind’s head cocked to one side and a silly grin, just like the one she wore in the picture, lit up her face. “That was about six months ago,” she sighed happily. “We went to that Italian down the street.” She found herself waving her hand in that general direction, even though she knew it would mean nothing to Reece.
“She looks really happy,” Reece whispered, his eyes stuck fast on the screen.
Rosalind chuckled. “Yeah,” she agreed. “She’d been working on a story about an old theater that was going to be torn down for a new development,” she explained. “Her relentless coverage and none too positive opinion about the destruction of the city’s ‘artistic heritage’,” she grinned as she lifted her fingers to place imaginary quote marks around the last two words, “caused a huge ruckus and public opinion made this massive company back down.”
Reece’s smile grew wider, as he imagined Allie going to war over something she was passionate about.
&nb
sp; “So,” Ros sighed, as she allowed the happy memory to linger with her. “She was feeling pretty pleased with herself that night.”
Soon, Rosalind began to move toward the door again, but Reece urged her to stay. At first, he wasn’t sure why he’d blurted the request. However, he quickly realized what was behind the desire. “Can we just sit and talk about her some more?”
“Sure,” Rosalind replied.
Hours were spent reminiscing; Rosalind sharing tales of Allie’s exhausting love of her job, while Reece relayed stories of her youth. He didn’t tell her anything he deemed too private or personal, but he did reveal things he knew Allie would never have told a soul. The pair found themselves laughing, as they dwelt on only happy memories.
It was after midnight, when Rosalind eventually drifted off to sleep on the couch. Her head was crooked at an awkward angle, but Reece didn’t have the heart to wake her. Instead, he gently slipped to his feet and scooped her legs up. Without rousing her, he managed to carefully lay her flat, before turning off the lights and treading gently to the bedroom.
He hadn’t planned on spending the night in Allie’s bed. He’d initially decided to sleep, if he could sleep, on the couch, but that was no longer an option. And, as he wandered into the room, he didn’t find it anywhere near as intimidating or distressing as he’d expected to. In fact, as he breathed in the smell of various sweet, floral scents that all combined to make Allie’s signature smell, he found it immensely comforting.
Without taking his clothes off, he lowered himself to the bed and reached for the pillow as he did so. Yanking the cushion to his chest, he dropped his head to it and inhaled deeply. This held not only the scent of Allie’s shampoo, but also his own cologne. Flopping back onto the mattress, he closed his eyes and recalled the last time they laid there together.
Eventually, he rolled onto his side, keeping the pillow tucked in his arms, but he lifted his face from it. For a long time, he stayed there, motionless but unable to fall into a restful sleep. When exhaustion became too much, and the conscious part of his brain finally shut down, he was certain that it was Allie he held in his tight grasp. He would swear that he could feel her soft hair against his cheek and hear her gentle breathing.
“I’m sorry,” a quiet feminine voice mumbled into his ear.
“I’m not,” he heard himself reply. “I’m not sorry for anything.”
“Everything will be okay,” she added. “You’ll see.”
“What?” he responded sleepily.
“When you’re ready to open your heart again, you’ll find someone who truly deserves you,” she explained, a smile evident in her voice.
“I’ll always love you,” he argued.
“I know,” she responded. “But there’s enough room in your heart for someone else.” This time her voice seemed further away.
“Allie,” he called, urging her back.
“Trust me,” she responded calmly. “You’re going to be just fine.”
“Allie,” he repeated, his panic rising as her voice crept further and further away.
“You were the love of my life, Reece,” she told him in nothing more than a whisper. And then, there was silence.
“Allie?” he blurted, loudly; loud enough to wake himself. He jerked, sitting upright with Allie’s pillow still grasped tightly to his chest. Breathing deeply, he released his vise-like grip and lowered the pillow onto the mattress by his side. Rubbing his hands over his face, he tried to shake himself from the grips of the dream.
Gradually blinking, his eyes become accustomed to the darkness in the room and he threw himself back on the bed. He stared at the ceiling, unable to close his eyes again. “I love you,” he whispered into the blackness. In his half dream state, he was confused over what was real and what wasn’t. Unsure whether she could really hear him, he hoped he’d told her often enough for her to know those words were true.
~The End~
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