Chapter Twenty-Six
Rose
What am I doing?
I paced the living room, as I had been for the past half hour, that’s what. It was getting closer and closer to seven, and I’d picked up the phone at least a dozen times, ready to call and cancel. But in the end I couldn’t do it. I had to tell him in person.
Grabbing my jacket and my keys, I raced out the door, pushing the elevators down button. As I waited, an elderly woman approached. At first she smiled at me, then her gaze fell to my wrist. The smile froze on her face.
Well this, is awkward. We stood in front of the doors, the worst silence lingering between us. Suddenly, I was eleven, and in the schoolyard again, with four girls surrounding me and calling me a freak. They were pointing at the large pink jagged scar on my wrist. I ignored them as best I could, but words hurt. Words like that stay with you forever, and make you doubt every last thing about yourself that you once thought was good.
I turned and pushed open the door to the stairwell, unable to take the judgment any longer. How long until Jack started judging me too? He could say he understood all he wanted, but how was he going to cope if I tried to kill myself again? I wasn’t foolish enough to think love was going to cure all my problems.
#
Alex lived less than five minutes away, but in Brooklyn traffic it turned into twenty. I parked the car and made my way over to his apartment block. Great, now I’m late. Not that it mattered. This was going to be a short visit. I wasn’t staying for pizza because I didn’t have the strength to pull myself away from what would inevitably happen after pizza. No, I was going to get in there, say my piece, and leave.
My heart was beating like a sledgehammer in my chest when I knocked on the door. He opened it right away and leaned against the frame. His eyes trailed slowly over my body before her raised them to meet mine. My resolve began to melt away.
How can I stay strong when every part of me wants him?
“You look incredible.”
“Thanks,” I somehow responded. My tongue felt like rubber. I looked like I always did: jeans, a sweater and my slip-ons. My hair was down, and probably out of control.
He, on the other hand looked stunning. His hair, my god, I just wanted to bury my face in it. I could smell the coconut in his shampoo from here. His dark button down shirt hugged his body, outlining his athletic frame. He wore dark fitted jeans that hung low on his hips.
“Rose? I’m up here,” he chuckled. My face blazed as I realized I’d been staring at his crotch.
“Sorry,” I mumbled. He moved aside to let me in. The hammering in my chest didn’t seem to be going anywhere soon.
Somehow, I made my way over to the sofa, where I sort of collapsed down into the seat. You know when your limb falls asleep, followed by intense pins and needles that make you want to cry? That’s how my legs felt.
“Are you hungry?” he asked. He sat beside me and passed me a menu. I glanced over it and then set it aside on the arm of my chair, knowing that if I didn’t get this out now I never would.
“Jack, I need to tell you something—”
“Me first. Please. Look, I had all this planned out in my head, but now you’re here, I can’t remember anything but how beautiful you are. Rose, I’m a guy with a lot of issues. Some I’ve worked through, some I haven’t. There are things I might never get over, but I’m going to try.” He took a breath, and reached for my hand. “I don’t know how much you know about Belle, but she was the first girl I ever had real feelings for. When I lost her, I lost all hope of ever falling in love again. More than that, I’d convinced myself I never wanted love again. When you . . . the other day, when I found out you’d . . .” He glanced down at my wrist. “The first thing that went through my head was, ‘What if you died without knowing how much I love you?’”
Tears welled in my eyes. I swiped at them, furious at myself for crying. “Jack . . .”
“I love you Rose, and I want to be with you. I want to go to sleep with you at night, and then wake up with you in my arms in the morning. I want to be the person you turn to when you’re upset. I want to share my life with you.” I stared at him in horror. “This isn’t a proposal, by the way.” He smirked, mistaking my expression for shock. “Not yet, anyway,” he joked. He leaned over slowly. I knew what he was doing yet I couldn’t bring myself to pull away.
When his lips touched mine I felt my world collapse. I loved him so much. Not being with him was going to tear me apart, but I had to think about him.
I forced my lips away. His brow crinkled in confusion as he tried to work out what was wrong. I wiped away the new gush of tears, then took his hand. Say it. Get it over with.
“Jack. I can’t be with you,” I choked out.
“What do you mean? Is this about your sister?” he asked gently. My mouth dropped open. He knew about that? “Harmony told me. Honestly, Rose, it was an accident, and something we can work through together.”
I shook my head. “It’s not that . . . After everything you’ve been through, you deserve someone who can be there for you. I don’t know if I can be that person.”
Jack shook his head, frustration in his eyes. “What are you talking about? Of course you can be that person. I don’t want anyone else. Only you. This isn’t about poor Jack finally moving on. This is about me falling in love with you.” He cupped my chin and brought my eyes up to meet his. “Do you love me?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
“Then that’s all that matters. We work the rest out as we go.”
“It’s not that simple. I love you with all my heart, but I don’t know if that’s enough . . . I couldn’t handle it if . . .” My voice broke. I couldn’t even say it. “How would you cope if I killed myself?”
“I wouldn’t,” he said simply.
“That’s the problem! I can’t promise you that it won’t happen again. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t, but I can’t be the person responsible for ruining you. I couldn’t handle that guilt.”
“Rose, you’d be dead. There would be no guilt,” he pointed out. In spite of myself I laughed.
“You know what I mean, Jack.”
“This is ridiculous. You may or may not be hit by a bus tomorrow. What’s the difference?” he asked, throwing his hands up.
“I’m sorry Jack. I’ve made up my mind. I have to go.” I reached for my keys and bolted for the door. I could feel him right behind me.
“Rose, please talk to me.”
I opened the door and raced to the stairs. “I can’t, Jack. Just let it go, please,” I begged him. I ran down the stairs, relieved that he didn’t follow me, because I was bawling my eyes out.
#
My eyes were still red and puffy when I knocked on Darcy’s door.
“Rose! What the hell happened?” she gasped, ushering me inside. “Are you hurt?”
“I’m okay. I just needed someone to talk to,” I said in a small voice.
Darcy nodded. “Of course. Go out on the balcony and I’ll bring out a drink. Benj is practicing his guitar,” she said, rolling her eyes. “But I suppose it’s better than the drums.”
I stepped out onto the balcony, my eyes stinging from the cool breeze. I sat down on one of the patio chairs and closed my eyes. Why did things have to be so hard? I knew talking to Jack was going to be hard, but I hadn’t expected to feel this low afterwards. Had I done the right thing? In my efforts not to be selfish, had I done just that?
The sound of the sliding door opening made me force my eyes back open. I smiled and took the glass of juice from Darcy.
“What happened? I take it dinner didn’t go as planned?” she asked, frowning. I shook my head and smiled. “Oh Rose. Don’t give up on him. He is such a great guy—”
“No, he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me,” I interrupted her, realizing she thought he had shot me down. Darcy gaped at me, her shocked expression was almost comical.
“What? Rose, why?”
“I’m terri
fied of him one day resenting me. I’m terrified of him losing me. I’m terrified of letting him love me.”
“Why would he resent you?” she spoke softly, with such concern. “Honey, he loves you.”
“I know he loves me. But how can I be with him when I’m so wrong in the head? Can you imagine what he’d do if I killed myself? He blamed himself for Belle’s death for so long; the thought of that happening again breaks my heart.”
Darcy set her juice down and took my hand and squeezed it. “You might be doing him more harm by denying his love. Imagine how hard it would’ve been for him to admit he was ready to move on. That would’ve been a huge step for him. What if he doesn’t find another you? Then what? He fills up the hole in his life with ‘Harmonys’?”
I screwed up my nose at the mention of her name.
“Exactly,” Darcy declared.
“I need time to think,” I mumbled. My mind was such a mess.
“So think. But remember, you deserve to be happy as much as he does. And what if being with Jack does make a difference to how you feel? Maybe the thing that’s been missing in your life is unconditional love . . . something you never had from your parents.” I couldn’t believe how wise Darcy was sometimes. Everything was saying made perfect sense.
I needed to go home, sleep, and think about what I wanted. And then just hope like hell I wasn’t too late.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Jack
“So, just like that?” Alex repeated.
“Just like that. BAM!—sucker punched in the face,” I confirmed glumly. “I was so ready, Alex. I loved Belle so damn much, and for the first time since her death I felt ready to move on. She would’ve wanted that, you know?”
“Give Rose time, she’ll come around. She’s been through a lot too, you know? And all she’s doing here is trying to spare your feelings.” That’s what made it so awful. She shot me down because, in her mind, I was better off without her. How could I show her that couldn’t be further from the truth?
“She raised a valid question, though,” Alex mused. “How would you feel if she tried to kill herself again? Are you sure you could handle that?”
“Fuck Alex, why would you ask me that?” I said darkly. “I don’t know how I’d feel. If I lost her, I’d be devastated, but I think not having her at all would be worse.”
A smile spread across his lips. “Wow. Are you really Jack? You’ve become so . . . deep and emotional,” he teased.
“Fuck off,” I growled, tossing the remote at him. It bounced off his shoulder and landed on the floor.
“Ouch. That hurt, you know. I hope it broke so you need to get up and change the channel,” he grumbled. “So what are you going to do? You already know I think you should give her some space. Let her figure out her head and then try and talk to her again.”
I nodded. “Then that’s what I’ll do.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Rose
Most of my weekend was spent thinking about Jack, and then thinking about Jack some more. Slowly, it was dawning on me that I’d never be able to move on from him. Not allowing myself to be happy might be what killed me in the end. If I was going to lock myself away then I may as well have been dead.
Jack was right. We have no way of knowing when or how we will die. I could list over a thousand ways that I might die and I’d have only covered about one percent. Not exactly a comforting thought, but it was the truth.
In order to get better, I had to let myself feel, not only love, but everything. I’d let more people into my heart the past month than I had in twenty-two years. To me, that said progress. I had a long way to go, but at least I was heading in the right direction.
The thought of being with Jack made my heart race. It made my body tingle in anticipation. To experience that kind of connection with someone was something I’d craved for a long time. It wasn’t fair to either of us for me to deny that.
#
I woke up the morning of the reopening with a lot of work to do. I had most of it worked out already, but there were two things I needed help with; one from Darcy, and one from Benj. After I was showered and dressed, I went upstairs.
“Rose?” Darcy yawned when she opened the door. “It’s barely daylight.”
“It’s eleven in the morning,” I said, giggling.
“You’re very chirpy this morning,” she grumbled, her eyes narrowing suspiciously.
“Well, I need your help. Can you tell Jack I’m sick and can’t work tonight?”
“You don’t look sick—”
“Darcy!” I cried.
“Okay! What else?”
“Is Benj there?” I asked mischievously. I laughed as Darcy’s eyes popped wide open. She shook her head and took off down the hall to their bedroom. A few minutes later, Benj came stumbling out, wearing only a pair of boxer shorts.
“Rose. What’s up?” he asked.
I grinned. “I need a favor.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Jack
“You ready?” Ash grinned.
I nodded. “Let’s open this place back up!”
Darcy, Benj and Ash cheered. Everyone was here, except Rose. She was sick, according to Darcy. My theory was that she just wasn’t ready to see me yet.
It had been nearly a week since I’d professed my love for her. So many times I’d wanted to call her, or found myself driving in the direction of her house instead of Alex’s. One night I’d gone as far as parking outside her apartment block in an attempt to catch a glimpse of her. Yep. I was capable of being that creepy.
But, when it came down to it, I knew Alex was right. She had to come to me.
#
The turnout was actually more than I’d been expecting. Not as big as what we’d normally pull in, but by no means empty. We were halfway through our open mic night and I was busy at the bar. All night I’d been pouring drink after drink, with the same fake smile plastered on my face, while I thought about Rose.
I half-listened to the introduction for the next performer. I glanced up on the stage and saw Benj there, guitar in hand.
What the actual fuck?
He hadn’t told me he was performing. For a moment, I wondered if he was proposing to Darcy. I scrapped the thought from my head. Surely he would’ve told me something that big. It was more likely the next performer hadn’t turned up, so Benj was filling in. I went back to my serving.
“I can’t promise you I’ll always be perfect . . .”
I looked up. The glass I was holding fell to the floor and shattered. A beery mess splashed everywhere. That voice. That beautiful, sexy, sultry voice.
Rose sat, perched on a stool, looking terrified. He eyes were firmly on me. Darcy nudged me in the ribs.
“Go closer. I’ve got it covered.”
Slowly, I moved closer to the stage. Part of me wanted to race up there and kiss her, put her out of her misery. I’d never seen her look so scared. But I couldn’t move. Just like the day we’d met, her voice shot through me like a lightning bolt, leaving me useless. Unable to move, I could only listen.
“But I’m willing to try,
I can promise to laugh at your jokes,
If you can be there when I break down and cry.
“I can’t imagine you not being in my life,
You’re everything that’s missing in me
I need you beside me tonight and every night,
I want to wake up with your arms around me.
“You’re who I think of when I close my eyes,
It’s only you I see
You’re the light in my otherwise dark world,
It’s with you I want to be.
“I can’t imagine you not being in my life,
You’re everything that’s missing in me
I need you beside me tonight and every night,
I want to wake up with your arms around me.”
The crowd erupted into cheers as Rose stood up. Her cheeks were flushed red. I finally found my legs
and moved toward the stage, still in awe of what I’d just witnessed. Rose smiled at me. I put out my hand and helped her down the steps.
“What did you think?” she asked shyly.
“Wow. I’m just . . . that was amazing. You’re amazing,” I mumbled, pulling her into my arms. “Never in a million years did I expect anything like that.”
“I had to do something big to show you . . . so I could tell you . . .” Her voice trailed off. I knew exactly where she was going with it, but I decided to tease her anyway.
“Tell me what?” I asked innocently.
“That I do love you, and I want to be with you. You moron.” She blushed and glanced around. I took her hand and walked over to the bar.
“Darcy, do you think you guys are alright here? I’d like to take my girlfriend home.”
“Yes! I mean, of course,” she swooned. She shot Rose a look that I could only interpret as “OMG OMG OMG!”
“Are you ready?” I lifted my hand to run my fingers down the side of Rose’s face. Her beauty still amazed me. She nodded. “Then let’s go.”
Chapter Thirty
Rose
Upstairs with Jack, his arms were still around me as he led me into his apartment. His fingers laced through my hair as he kissed me. His lips moved hungrily, as if he couldn’t get enough of me. Gripping his hand in my hair, he tilted my head and began to kiss. His tongue slid down my neck, and over my collarbone before resting on my breast. My body came alive, crying out for his touch. God, the way he kissed me there…and the feel of his fingers there…
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