by Nora Phoenix
“I told you it was all anonymous, so I had no idea who he was,” Ruari added.
“Are you okay?” Kean asked, and that question was so quintessential Kean that it took Bray a few moments to realize it was aimed at Ruari and not him.
Then Ruari uncrossed his arms and reached for Kean’s hand, allowing himself to be pulled close and to lean against Kean for support. Bray told himself it couldn’t hurt as much as it did, that what he was feeling was because Ruari had kept this from him, not because he was confronted with the fact that Kean chose someone else over him.
He cleared his throat, willing the tightness that made it hard to swallow away. “I’m glad you acknowledge my parental rights,” he told Ruari.
He was met with an icy stare. “I don’t. I acknowledged you as the provider of the sperm that produced my son, not as his father. There’s a big difference.”
Bray swallowed again, this time because his stomach had revolted. “W-what do you mean?”
“You said Jax was yours. He’s not. He’s mine, and he always will be. Your name isn’t listed on his birth certificate if only for the simple reason that I didn’t know it. We both signed a contract, remember? You released all parental rights in case there would be a pregnancy.”
He had. The contract was crystal clear that if the encounter resulted in a pregnancy, the alpha father had no legal rights. It had been contested a few times in court, with mixed outcomes, but even if Bray had wanted to take his chances under the current government, he never would do that to Ruari. But what did that mean? Was Ruari going to keep him from seeing his son?
“I… I understand. But can I at least see him?”
“Why?” Ruari’s tone hadn’t defrosted yet.
“Because he’s my son?” Bray said, unsure of what Ruari was getting at. Of course he wanted to see his son, to get to know him. Why was that even a question?
“I thought you didn’t want a family, that you weren’t ready for that,” the omega said.
Bray’s eyes found Kean’s, who didn’t look away but met his accusing gaze head on. “I see someone talked,” Bray said, letting the anger seep through in his voice.
“Yes, he did,” Ruari said. “But I’ll give you a chance to refute it. Was any of what he told me untrue? About him wanting more and you telling him you weren’t ready for a family?”
Bray’s heart clenched. “No, but that was because…” He stopped talking, unsure of how to finish that sentence.
“Because he’s a beta? Yeah, I got that part, too. Real classy, by the way. So tell me, would you have been just as interested in getting to know your kid if it had been a girl? Or an omega? Or god forbid, a beta?”
Bray felt exposed, bleeding from the cuts that Ruari inflicted with his words. And the worst of it was that Bray had nothing to say in his defense. Everything he came up with came down to the same thing, and it didn’t paint him in a good picture.
If only Kean had kept his mouth shut instead of blabbing about why they’d ended things. Well, why he had ended things, because that had been all him and not Bray. Bray had to admit he’d been fine continuing their…whatever it was they’d been. The sex had been great, and Kean was… Kean was a good man, Bray had to admit. An honorable one, always letting the truth prevail.
“Does that mean you won’t let me see him?” he asked.
“Not right now, 'cause he’s sleeping, but no, not today. And not tomorrow either. I need to see you’re good enough for him first, Bray.”
“Good enough?” he repeated stupidly, not understanding.
Ruari straightened his shoulders and despite him being at least a head shorter than Bray, he felt small with the stare Ruari gave him. “You’ll need to prove yourself worthy of being in my son’s life, Bray. Kean assures me you’re a good man, but I’ll need to see for myself. I grew up with a horrific excuse for an alpha as a father, and I will not subject my son to the same. Prove to me you’re not the asshole-alpha I think you are, and we’ll talk.”
The omega wasn’t pulling any punches, and Bray felt battered. “How do I prove that?” he asked, feeling infinitesimally small. The fact that Kean was standing there to witness his humiliation made it even worse.
“Honestly, I don’t know. Give me some time to figure that out. This is as big a shock to me as it is to you.”
Bray slowly nodded, then had to ask. “Are you two together now?”
He asked Kean, but it was Ruari who answered. “Yes, we are. But we need time to figure that out as well.”
It took every ounce of willpower Bray had to not fall apart, and so he managed to send them a terse smile. “I’m happy for you two. Let me know what you expect from me, Ruari. I’ll stay out of your way till then.”
He’d barely made it into the hallway, when his father’s voice rang out. “Bray, hold up one sec. We wanted to talk to you.”
He ground his teeth as he turned around, the words “Not now, Dad” on his lips, until he saw Sven and Lars standing right behind his father, hand in hand. Sven looked worried while Lars’s face resembled that of a soldier about to go into war. What was going on here? God, he really couldn’t handle more surprises right now. Then his eyes traveled to his father’s face, and something in his expression told him things were about to get a lot worse.
“What’s up?” he asked, calling up his last reserves to stay as friendly as he could.
His father reached for Sven’s hand and pulled him forward, and with one look at the omega’s face, Bray knew.
“Sven is pregnant,” his father said, confirming Bray’s suspicions. “It’s unexpected, but he’s decided he wants to keep it.”
There were more words, but Bray couldn’t process them through the buzzing in his head. How the fuck was it possible to be forced to face this much irony in one day? It hurt, to see his father happy with his young boys, to see him have the family that Bray claimed he didn’t want in the first place. Why did it hurt so much? If he didn’t want this, why did he care?
“I’m happy for you, Sven.” He forced the words out, demanding of himself to be the better man and not show this broke him. “You’ll make a great daddy. Congratulations to all of you.”
He nodded at his dad, hoping against hope it was enough to placate him, so Bray could go fall apart in private without anyone watching.
“Thank you. We were hoping you’d be happy to have a baby brother,” his father said, and then it sank in, that this baby Sven was carrying would be Bray’s half-brother, younger than his own son. And he couldn’t figure out how he was supposed to feel about this, not when he was so hurt and rejected and…broken.
“I can’t…” he started, cursing himself when his voice broke. “Not right now, Dad, okay? Please. Not now.”
He turned around, wanting to get away as quickly as possible, but the tears in his eyes made it hard to see. He was already outside when a strong hand grabbed his elbow and steadied him. “Bray, what’s wrong?”
His father. The very last person he wanted to see, because if there was anyone he didn’t want to witness his humiliation, it was him. He’d always looked up to him, this man who’d raised three sons single-handedly, who’d sacrificed everything for them, and who’d always put his kids above everything else.
That’s how Bray had come to define fatherhood, that your kids came first and you denied your own needs. It’s why he hadn’t wanted a family yet, because he wasn’t ready to give up everything for his kids. Not until he knew he could make his father proud and be the kind of alpha he had been—until he’d chosen Sven and Lars over him and Lucan and even Dane, though his youngest brother wasn’t even aware.
“Not now, Dad,” he said, avoiding his eyes. “I can’t do this now.”
His father put a finger under his chin and turned it toward him, just like he’d done when Bray had been a little boy. “Tell me what’s wrong, son. What happened?”
The concern on his father’s face was genuine, and it broke his resistance.
“Are you that ups
et over our announcement?” his father asked, and Bray had to think for a second what he was talking about.
He shook himself loose from his father’s grip and took a shaking step back. “No. Well, it’s a shock, for sure, but I guess I should've seen it coming. He’s young and he’s got the gene, so he’s fertile. It makes sense.”
“Then what is it?” His dad frowned, but Bray couldn’t deny he looked worried.
He looked like a dad, Bray realized, worried for his child, and it hit him all over again. He, too, was a father, but he might never get the chance to be a dad, because of… He couldn’t put it into words, the temptation to call it exaggeration from Ruari, false accusations, even, but something held him back. It hit a little too close to home, too similar to what Kean had said, and before him his own father.
“Are you hoping for an alpha heir?” he asked, unsure of why that was on his mind, but it was. Ruari’s son was an alpha, Bray’s alpha heir. What if he never got to know him? What if he’d fucked up so badly that he’d never be a part of his son’s life?
“Bray, no. I don’t care at all. If it’s healthy, I’ll be the luckiest man on the planet,” his father said, and Bray thought of his youngest brother. His father had experienced once what it was like to have a baby not be born healthy.
“I figured you might want an alpha, that’s all,” he said.
His father put two hands on his shoulders. “Bray, I have an alpha heir. You’re my oldest, my son, my heir, and nothing and no one will ever replace you, do you not understand that?”
It wasn’t until he heard those words that Bray realized that’s exactly how he had felt, like he’d been replaced. First by Lars and Sven, and now by the baby, even before it was born.
“Dad,” he said, and he couldn’t stop the tears anymore. “I fucked up badly.”
Bray hadn’t known how much he needed his father’s support until his dad’s arms came around him and the man pulled him close. Bray put his hand on his dad’s shoulder and let go of the tight hold he’d had on his emotions.
“Oh, Bray,” his dad said, his voice filled with compassion. “What’s wrong? What happened? Talk to me, son.”
“I have a son,” Bray managed, his voice muffled against his father’s shoulder.
“You have a what?”
“I helped an omega through his heat and he got pregnant. I just found out I have a son, an alpha heir.” Bray couldn’t keep the sadness out of his voice.
His father pushed him back to look him in the eye. “I don’t understand. Why are you upset about this? Is it because you didn’t want kids?”
Even his father knew he hadn’t wanted kids, Bray realized with sickening frustration. Everybody had known. No wonder Ruari didn’t want him anywhere near his son. Their son. He had no reason to believe Bray was genuinely interested in the kid, did he?
“His daddy won’t let me see him,” Bray started. “I released all parental rights in the contract we made,” he added when his father’s face turned angry. “It turns out he’s the omega who just moved in, Ruari.”
“Ruari? Jax is your son?” his father asked.
Bray’s head shot up as he took a step back. “You’ve seen him? The baby, I mean?”
His father’s strong hands clamped his shoulders with a reassuring grip. “I have, and he is gorgeous.”
Bray’s eyes filled with tears all over again at those words. He couldn’t believe his father had met him.
“I have to say Ruari doesn’t strike me as the type of person who would keep a father from his son, though. Are you sure there isn’t more to this?” his father asked.
Bray sighed. Of course there was more to this, but that would mean embarrassing himself even more. Well, he might as well now, considering he’d already spilled enough for his father to figure out the rest, anyway.
“It’s a little more complicated than that. Kean broke up with me because… Well, there were multiple reasons, but one of them was that he had met Ruari and they had a connection, and he wanted to pursue a relationship with him. But he told Ruari about me, not knowing I was the alpha Ruari had been with, so now Ruari thinks I’m a total alpha-asshole. His words.”
His father raised an eyebrow. “Why would Kean speak negatively about you to Ruari? I thought what you guys had worked for the both of you.”
Oh, there really was no end to this humiliation, was there? “That's what I figured, but Kean wanted more than I was able to give him. And he has an issue with the way I treat him. Or, people in general, I should say, as he subjected me to a scathing review of my social skills as a departure gift.”
His father’s eyes filled with something that hurt Bray even more than Ruari’s words had. “Oh Bray,” he said again, and Bray felt like a little boy again.
“I’m sorry to disappoint you,” he said stiffly.
“It’s not me you’re disappointing, it’s yourself. You’re better than this, Bray, but for some reason, you’re stuck in a certain way of thinking, and you can’t seem to move past that. I can’t figure out where it’s coming from, though. It’s not something I’ve taught you.
Bray shook his head. “I can’t do this right now, Dad. Not today. I’ve had a lot to process, with first Kean confronting me and then Ruari. Please, don’t add to it. Not today.”
“I’m sorry you’re hurting,” his dad said. “I hope you will believe me when I say that. Did Ruari say you could never see Jax?”
Bray shrugged. “No, he wants to think about what he wants from me. Something about me proving that I’m worthy to be in his life or something. I don’t understand what he wants from me, I honestly don’t.”
“Maybe he wants to make sure you’ll be a good influence on his son. That wouldn’t be unreasonable, right?”
Bray shrugged again. “And how do I prove that when he and Kean are convinced already I won’t be? I’ve got things going against me, like the fact that I went on record to say I didn’t want kids yet. I get that. But not wanting kids is a different thing than not wanting one that’s already been born. Of course, I want to know my son. How could I not? But how do I prove that to them, how do I show that I’m not the asshole they think?”
“I can't imagine Kean thinks you’re an asshole,” his father stated with a conviction that Bray didn’t share. “If he told you he wanted more, that doesn’t make sense. He wouldn’t want more with you if he legit thought you were an asshole. Doesn’t mean he can’t have concerns about you or your behavior.”
Bray rolled his eyes. “And we’re back to this. You know what, why don’t you say what you want to say. You might as well. It’s been a pretty fucking crappy day already, so pile it on, would you?”
Before his father could say anything, Bray held up his hand to stop him. “I should’ve known you would take their side. Nothing I do ever seems to be good enough for you. I don’t understand what I have to do to make you proud of me.”
16
Grayson stared at Bray in utter disbelief, struggling to make sense of what his son had just said. Somewhere along the way, something had gone horribly wrong, and a deep sense of anger filled him. Not anger at Bray, but at himself, that he had somehow missed this.
How could Bray think Grayson wasn’t proud of him? How could he feel nothing he ever did was good enough? Where had he gone wrong with his kid to make him experience that rejection? He knew Bray still struggled with his relationship with Lars and Sven, but this wasn’t about that. This was not something that had developed over the last few weeks or even months. This was an attitude, a hurt, maybe even a trauma that had been fostered over a long period. How the hell had he missed this?
“Your silence is speaking volumes, Dad,” Bray said. “Is it that hard for you to tell me the truth?”
“Bray, I don’t know what to say, but not for the reason you assume. I'm shocked you think I’m not proud of you, that you’re not good enough, somehow. I never meant for you to feel that way, and I am racking my brain right now to figure out where I went wrong.”
Bray’s shoulders dropped even further as he let out a long sigh that reached deep inside Grayson and squeezed his heart painfully. “Forget about it, Dad. You have enough on your plate right now.”
This veiled reference to Lars and Sven made Grayson even more sad. “Just because I’m in a new relationship doesn’t mean I don’t have time for you anymore,” he said.
“Really? You could’ve fooled me.”
Bray’s voice was dripping with sarcasm and Grayson had to bite back his irritation at that attitude. “Come on Bray, that’s not true.”
Bray’s head shot up from the ground, his eyes blazing. “What do you mean it’s not true? As soon as you met those two, it was like Lucan and I didn’t even exist anymore. Do you realize we haven’t hung out once since you started dating them?”
Grayson opened his mouth to deny it, because that couldn’t be true. Surely they had spent time together, hadn’t they? Hell, they saw each other almost every day, what with living on the ranch.
“Seriously, Dad, when was the last time we hung out? You and me, or with Lucan?”
“But we make the trip to the city twice a week to see Dane,” Grayson protested, citing the first thing he could think of, the uneasy feeling in his stomach rising.
Bray scoffed. “That’s not hanging out, Dad. That’s visiting our brother. That’s you multitasking, combining something you need to do with something else you need to do. That’s you assuaging your guilt and pretending you’re spending time with your children.”
His son’s words were sharp like daggers, and Grayson wanted to lash out in defense, except that he tried to remember the last time he and Bray had hung out like they used to, drinking a beer and watching football or something like that, and he couldn’t. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d spent time with his son alone outside of visiting Dane or doing stuff for the pack. He’d been so swept up in his relationship with Lars and Sven, and making sure his boys were okay, that he’d neglected to check on his children.
Visiting Dane, that was routine, and there was so little else he could do for his youngest son, aside from making sure he had the best care available to him. But when had he spent deliberate time with Bray or Lucan, just the two or three of them? God, he had failed them.
