by Tara Brown
He was about to laugh in my face when Mike walked out front and handed him something. “Hey, Erin.”
I smiled, relieved. “Hey, Mike.” The line went crazy seeing him. He blushed and waved to everyone.
He looked at the bouncer. “She’s with Lochlan.” He lifted the rope back for me. The line started to grumble.
“Hey, she’s screwing the lead singer!” The bouncer shouted at them.
I ran inside, hiding my face. Mike grabbed my arm. “Hey, I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry. I didn’t know about you and him. I’m a blind idiot . . . clearly.”
I shook my head. “No. I assumed it was never going to be anything with him.”
“Yeah, no kidding.” He stopped laughing and looked down. “Sorry.”
A grin crossed my lips. “It’s fine. I’ve lived with him for like almost two months. I’ve figured out what he’s like.”
“He’s like that for them. When we’re alone and it’s just us guys, he’s normal.”
“I know.”
“We start up in five.” He smiled and walked to the back of the bar.
I found my brother sitting at a table with a blonde. She gave me a look. I almost smacked him, but he looked up before I could. “Hey. This is Gabby—Gabby, this is my sister—Erin.”
She smiled at me through the glare in her eyes. I felt warmth behind me as a kiss was planted on my head. I should have known he was there. Gabby suddenly had a lost puppy look on her face and was adjusting her shirt.
I looked up to see Loch. He smiled and bent, kissing my cheek. “You came.” He placed a lemonade in front of me.
I grinned and turned, meeting his lips with mine. “I needed my fix.”
He murmured alongside my mouth. “Uh oh. Someone is becoming a groupie.”
I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. Don’t make a big deal about it.”
He whispered into my ear. “I missed you anyway. I have some news I want to share with you. Come backstage after the show.” I pressed my face into his kiss and felt him slip something in my pocket next to my mace.
“I see you have your cock with you.”
I grinned. “Always.”
He looked away from me to sign a girl’s stomach. She giggled and clawed at his hand. She jumped up and down. He laughed and shook his head. Her friends came running over, all getting his autograph on their chests and stomachs. I looked away. I hated the petty jealousy burning through me.
He waved at Danny. “See you after, man.” Danny nodded at him, still playing it cool even though he had probably just peed his pants. He walked away without saying goodbye to me. Girls mauled him the entire way to the back of the stage. I turned around and drank my lemonade.
The girl was all doe-eyed now. “You’re dating Lochlan?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Sort of.”
Danny smiled at me. “They’re roommates.”
She winked. “Friends with benefits?”
A frown replaced my indifferent look. “No. I don’t do benefits.” I turned and looked at the front of the stage. People were milling around the front. Some of them were looking at me and pointing. I sighed and walked to the front of the stage.
The lights went down, making the bar black as night. My heart started to pound in anticipation. I could tell by the breath of the people next to me that they felt the same. Lights came on, but instead of shining on the stage, they focused on the fans in the crowd as the song started. The band played in the dark and Lochlan sang softly. I could barely make out his silhouette.
All of the light was on the fans. The crowd was a spectacle of hands lifted into the air. They were illuminated with pale-blue lights and swaying with the song.
When more lights came on, I didn’t watch him. I watched the crowd. The faces of the people were filled with the same emotions, like they were living through him or for him. They felt something deep from the intensity of his words. Seeing their faces, I knew he was giving them his soul and they were taking it . . . loving every second of it.
The exchange was reciprocated. He got a high off of them too. Their devotion and reverence was ever-present as they hung on every word he sang with all his heart and soul. Every set of lips sang the words with him. Some of them cried with joy, or sorrow, or whatever the puppet master told them to feel. They moved with him, like him.
I didn’t have to watch him. I could watch them and know what he was doing.
The lights on the stage all flicked on, just as he unleashed the beast, singing loudly with fiery anger into the microphone. Just as it hit, the band crashed with him. They came to life in the crescendo and mellowed for the break.
He bent towards the crowd, rocking with them. Each band member was the same. Their individual instruments worked the fans. They caressed the instruments the way Lochlan’s lips did the microphone and his eyes did the crowd.
His sex/singing face was the most mesmerizing thing to watch. He had me under his spell from the minute the show started to the end. He maintained the emotions and the passion from the start to finish. Watching him sing was like making love to him, truly. Every sin and seduction committed was brought to life by the motion of his body, whether he was singing or screwing. The caress of his lips and the fiery beast in his eyes were there for both.
I hated that every screaming woman was getting the same experience I got. His passions were raw and exposed for everyone to enjoy.
I blushed when he said goodnight and the girl next to me threw her underwear onto the stage, screaming about wanting to suck his . . .
I turned and walked to the backstage entrance.
I held up the thing from my pocket. The bouncer opened the door for me.
The guys were all standing around, wiping off and getting drinks. A woman with long blonde hair, tight black pants and a red halter-top was rubbing Lochlan’s arm. She squeezed and gushed, and he let her. I frowned as she hugged each of the other guys, but went back to Lochlan. She was excited about something. I watched as he gave her the one-sided smile and winked at her.
“Oh God,” I muttered, backing up. He was that rock star boyfriend. I wrinkled my nose. I hated seeing him like that, touching other women.
I backed out into the hall. The bouncer gave me a weak smile. “Rock stars.”
I winced when Gerry turned to see me watching. His eyes instantly flicked to the woman linking her arm into Lochlan’s. She pressed her chest into his arm and planted a bright-red kiss on his cheek. He blushed, looking down.
Why had he done it, if he knew I was coming backstage? Did he want me to see it or had he just forgotten? Why was he letting fans touch him like that?
Gerry’s mouth parted, like he wanted to say something but he didn’t. He didn’t even point out that I was there.
This was always going to be my reality. He wanted me to be the real world for him, and I wanted him to be the fantasy, but only for me.
Panic was filling me. I wanted to bail but I was stuck. I wanted to go back and be his flirty friend, but I couldn’t. I was going to lose him if I couldn’t be with him. Seeing her maul him, I knew I couldn’t. My back hit the wall, and my heart hit the ground and broke into a thousand pieces, scattering across the floor. I left it there, broken and destroyed, and turned to run from the bar. My feet burned from the run to the apartment, but I didn’t slow down. I quickly packed my bags as fast as I could. I wanted to cry but my broken heart was still at the bar, sitting on the cold, black floor. The tears wouldn’t come.
I dragged the bags down the stairs and up the road. It was brutal, carrying them all the way to Gerry’s. It was a five-minute ride but an hour walk with the heavy bags.
I started to sniffle as I felt under the mailbox for the hide-away key I remembered from the Costco trip.
Self-pity started making attempts at my heartless chest but I shook my head. “You watched him do it at Costco. Shit!” I smacked myself in the forehead and opened the door, shoving my crap inside. I knew better than to let it be more than a friendship. N
ow I would lose him forever.
I slammed the door and collapsed onto the floor on my knees. I bent forward on the tiles and sobbed. Eventually, I lay down, pressing my face to the cold floor. Had he done anything really wrong or was it just too much? I’d been exposed to him and my pride was lost, not shamed but gone forever. He’d seen me spread wide open in every way possible, but it wasn’t enough to make him act like he was mine. I closed my eyes and no matter how hard I tried to make the mental picture I’d taken of him in his underwear play in my head, all I got was the red kiss on his cheek. Another trashy blonde with bleached hair and a round ass.
Gerry found me there, passed out. He lifted me off the floor and helped me to the couch. I sobbed inaudible things into his soft dress shirt. He let me. We didn’t need to talk. He knew.
After a while, he spoke. “It isn’t what you think it is,” he whispered.
I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter. It won’t ever change, and I knew that. I knew what he was the minute I met him. He’s charming and alive, in a way that most people aren’t. I’m not. I know I’m not. There will always be some other girl pressing herself into him, and he has to let them in order to be the success he wants to be. I hate that it’s me or his dream, and I’m honest-to-God wanting to ask him to pick. It’s me that’s ruining us, not him. I’m the problem. I can’t do this. My first boyfriend cheated on me, and I swore I would never date another man whore again. ‘Course that was in tenth grade. I sort of assumed guys matured.”
He lifted my chin and wiped my tears with a tissue. “Never assume guys mature. Erin, he loves you. I can see it. He would never cheat on you.”
I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter. I can’t be comfortable with it. She kissed him and mauled him, and he sat there and took it. Even though he asked me to come to the backstage. He knew I was coming. He knew I would see that. He had to risk that.”
He shook his head. “He got distracted. It’s a major record deal. She works for the record company. This is huge. Major. We’ll be doing tours and playing the Grammys and concerts worldwide. It’s what we wanted. This is our dream coming true. He got caught up in it.”
I knew then that Gerry would never be on my side. I didn’t want him there anyway. He was part of the band. He wanted to be on the ride with Lochlan, in more than one way. He wanted to sit at the cool kids’ table, the way I had. Lochlan made him feel alive with the way he saw what he wanted and went after it. I’d liked it when the thing he wanted had been me. ‘Course that was yesterday. I gave it to him, and like with every other girl, he was done. I almost slapped myself. Was that a fair thing to think about him? Was he really like that? Did I believe it or was I hurt-talking? I shook my petty, self-pitying head and smiled weakly at Gerry. “Congratulations. I’m sorry. I am happy for you, Ger.” I had to be happy for Gerry. His dream had just come true. It was huge, and I was being whiny. Was it better that I saw the whininess or worse that I wasn’t stopping myself?
He shook his head. “I can’t be happy and see you like this.”
I shrugged. “I just need a day. I’ll be fine. I never let it go that far.” He gave me a dubious look. I smiled weakly. “Truly, I only let myself fall yesterday. I just didn’t know how far the fall was with him.”
He shook his head. “Take all the time you need. The spare room is ready for you. Danny slept there last night, but tonight he went home with some blonde.”
I made a face. “You guys are so nasty. You’ll screw anything.”
“That’s bitterness talking and it’s not attractive, Erin. And don’t lump me in that group.”
I gave him a cocky look. “Being gay doesn’t make you less of a guy in a band.”
He stuck his tongue out at me. I walked down the hall to the bedroom. I didn’t make it all the way when the pounding started.
“ERIN!” Lochlan screamed into the doorframe. His demons had him. He rattled the handle. Gerry answered the door. “Loch, you’re going to get me evicted. Stop.”
“ERIN!”
Gerry’s soft tone changed. “Enough.”
Lochlan sounded desperate. “Dude, just let me in.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. She’s upset.”
I leaned my face against the wall and closed my eyes.
He sounded like he was about to switch and let the beast out completely. “Ger, man, don’t get involved. Just let me see her. I just want to explain. I swear. I’m cool.” He sounded like a junky.
Gerry softened. “Come back tomorrow when you’re cooled off for real. Okay?”
He raged. “NO!”
I jumped at the fury in his voice and quickly walked around the corner before he hurt Gerry and then hated himself for it. His look was dark and crazed. His anger melted when he saw me. “It’s not what you think. The bouncer told me what you saw. It’s not what you think.”
“I know.”
He swallowed, like he was trying to understand. “What do you mean?”
I blinked the tears out of my eyes, so I could see again. “I know. Congratulations on the deal.”
He looked flabbergasted. “Who fucking cares about it? I want to explain to you. Don’t leave.”
I crossed my arms. “Go home, Loch.”
He grabbed my bags off the floor and gave me his black stare. “You come home, or I won’t be responsible for the things I do. I’ll end up trashing the fucking place and then we’re both homeless. Jesus.” He walked out with my stuff. Gerry gave me a look. It was exactly what he’d talked about. Lochlan was so close to his goal, and he would shoot himself in the foot again.
I followed him but stopped beside Gerry. “I’m sorry I brought this here.”
He shook his head. “I don’t know if you should go.”
I gave him a weak smile. “He won’t hurt me. Not like that. Besides, it’s better for the band if he calms down.”
When I got on the street, he was there. He was holding my bags. “You can’t do this and not talk to me. This is about me too.” The veins in his arms were jacked, like he’d just worked out. They made his tattoos more ominous.
“Lochlan, we had sex for one day. It isn’t like we’ve been dating for years.”
His face tightened. It made me sick to see him so hurt. I was the wrong thing to say. I nodded. “I was just mad. I’m sorry.” I felt myself shutting him off. I would help him calm down, but my heart was gone. He didn’t see it on the floor of the bar. He probably stepped on it and didn’t realize.
He gave me a pleading look. I could see in the street light that the blue in his eyes was lightening again as his brow lifted. His anger was calming and the beast was leaving. “I would have stopped her, but she was in the middle of offering us a contract. I told you. It’s part of the act.”
“I get it.”
He looked torn. “I see you not getting it. This isn’t fair, Erin. You need to give me a fucking break here. I just won the goddamned lottery for musicians. You’re making this about you. You never see my side.”
I shook my head as the pain started to surface. “What if some guy came up to me and started grinding against me, rubbing his cock on me?”
He looked crazed instantly. “Did that happen? That fucking bar is a pit. I don’t want you coming there anymore. We won’t be playing the bars much longer anyway.”
I shook my head, taking patient breaths. “Hypothetically.” My tone was showing the signs of my anger.
“Hypothetically, I’d break his arms and then mace him with your little friend there.” He said it so matter of fact that I had to shake my head at him.
I pointed at him. “You winked and gave her the smile you always give me. You let her press her tits all over you and kiss you. So should I go mace her?”
He sighed. “You drive me insane. I told you—it’s the act. Why can’t you be happy for me instead of jealous and insecure?”
I lost it. The snapping sound in my brain was so loud, I figured he must have heard it too. I was breathing like fire would come out
of my mouth any second. “Fine. I was thinking about getting a job. I’ll apply to Hooters and a few strip joints and we’ll see how you feel when I give strangers lap dances.” It was petty and only making him worse, but I was angry. I couldn’t stop myself. He’d called me out on my being insecure.
He laughed, dropping the bags. He took a huge step toward me, cupping my face in his hands. “Look into my eyes, princess. There’s no one there but you. You’re jealous of yourself. There’s no one else in my eyes.” He pressed his lips against mine, but all it did was seal the fate of our day-old relationship. The kiss felt like a goodbye. He felt it too. He tried to force it to be something it wasn’t.
“It can’t work, Loch,” I whispered into his lips.
He stepped back. “Just don’t leave. I won’t touch you. Please, just don’t leave.”
I nodded. “Okay.” It was like winning the lottery. He wanted to be friends again . . . maybe. Maybe we would just torture each other. Either way, I didn’t want to be the reason he blew the whole record deal for everyone else. He was gripping to me because of the stress of everything in his life. He was so close to success, and the last time he blew, it was with a moment just like this one. I nodded against him. “I won’t leave.” Even if he had called me jealous and insecure. I had no argument for that. The proof was there.
We walked to his car. He threw everything in the back seat and drove with no words. When we got back to the apartment, I covered my mouth, looking at the mess he’d already made.
He stood beside me, overshadowing me and spoke flatly. “I panicked. I thought that guy from North Dakota came for you. I thought I’d left you vulnerable and you wouldn’t answer your phone. So yeah, I got mad,” he muttered. “I went back to the club to find out who had seen you last. Jimmy, the bouncer, told me what happened.”
My insides burned, looking at the mess everywhere. “I’m so sorry.”
He shook his head. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said all that shit to you. I’m making you insecure.” He carried my stuff to the bedroom and walked back out as I closed the front door and locked it. He looked rough. “I’ll quit.”
