“Sure,” said the closest one, a young female whose name she didn’t yet know. She was one of MacTavish’s additions, but she had chosen to stick around regardless. The other two were wolven she’d known from before, but they barely acknowledged her. Beth’s refusal to look her in the eye hurt most of all. They’d been friendly before Dean’s death, but Consuelo’s death seemed to have changed all that.
The trip back to her room was uneventful, though too quiet. She could hear people chatting and laughing together, but the sounds petered out as soon as she came near. It was a little crazy, but she really wished Lewis had made it out. She had the feeling they would have gotten on. At least she could have counted on him to give it to her straight.
Maybe that was the problem. Most of the wolven left now were fairly low on the dominance scale. They mostly avoided confrontations at all costs. The more dominant wolven had been taken out by MacTavish when he took over the pack. They’d returned the favor when they wrested control of the pack back from him. Short of Cassidy and maybe Luther, there was no one to challenge her, so they avoided her instead.
Ruri stopped in the door to her room. She’d insisted on keeping the same room MacTavish’s wolves had defaced, even though there were many open rooms in the hotel. It had been cleaned to within an inch of its life, but she imagined she could still smell excrement. Everything had been removed, including the furniture. Nothing had been salvageable. The new furniture was fine and of similar quality to what she’d thrown out. It wasn’t hers. It didn’t smell like it belonged to her. None of it did.
Standing there, Ruri made up her mind. In that moment, she realized she’d been moving toward the decision for days. Not even the pack’s run during the full moon had helped. Cassidy certainly seemed to have benefited from it. The rest of the wolven had bonded even more strongly to her, but not Ruri. Again, she was right outside the circle of this new pack she wasn’t even sure she recognized. It stung. She’d worked so hard to re-form the pack, and she wasn’t a part of it. The thrill of the hunt and her wolf’s relaxation hadn’t been enough to stave off tears when she’d finally came fully back to herself. That had been two days ago, but nothing had changed since then. It was time.
She pulled a small duffel out of the closet and stuffed her meager belongings into it. Clothes made up the bulk of what she packed. They were about all she had left. The one thing she really wanted was the tintype of her family, the one that had been completely destroyed when MacTavish’s wolven had trashed her stuff. Someone had taken the time to scratch the faces off her family members; then crushed the little piece of metal into a ball. She’d discovered it in a corner when cleaning the rest of the trash out of the room.
It took a little hunting to find Cassidy. That shouldn’t have been the case either and was just one more indication of how she wasn’t fitting with this new pack. She’d been able to point unerringly at Dean when he’d been Alpha no matter where he’d been. Cassidy hadn’t claimed her in the same way. She was aware the Alpha was nearby, but she didn’t have that close bond. Mary Alice now, Ruri could have found her way to the Hunter blindfolded. Even now she could feel her somewhere to the south.
As usual, Cassidy was wrapped up in conversation with Luther. They made no attempt to keep the discussion private, and Ruri could easily hear them talking about the pack’s situation. Cassidy had chosen well when it came to her Beta. Ruri couldn’t begrudge her that. Luther knew what he was about and had seen it all. He’d seen more than most of the rest of the pack combined. It still hurt, however. She knew what she was about also, but she was the one at loose ends, the one cut out of the decision-making process.
“How did MacTavish manage to keep so many wolven bound to him without anyone knowing?” Cassidy asked. “From what I’ve gathered, he shouldn’t have been able to. Didn’t Dean think he was a loner?”
“He certainly acted like one.” Luther’s voice was halting as he mulled over Cassidy’s question. It wasn’t the first time Ruri had heard it. MacTavish had been an enigma, even to the wolven he’d created. “Some of his wolven have said he could reclaim his Alpha-bond with them even after he abandoned it.”
“You don’t believe them?”
Luther was no fool to have doubts. Ruri didn’t believe it either. That wasn’t how the Alpha-bond worked. Once an Alpha claimed a wolven, the bond could only be broken by the Alpha holding it or by death. If it was given up, there was no reclaiming it. There were no backsies.
“I wish I didn’t. It’s unprecedented. I’ve never even heard rumors of such an ability.”
“Huh.” It was Cassidy’s turn to sound troubled.
Ruri shifted where she stood, her feet scuffing softly against the floor. This is it, she thought, but she made no move to enter.
“What’s up, Ruri?” Cassidy finally called out.
“I need to speak with you, Alpha,” she said, stepping through the doorway.
“You going on a trip?” Luther asked, voice studiedly neutral. He tipped his head toward the duffel in her left hand.
“That’s what I want to talk to Cassidy about,” Ruri said. She stepped to one side and gestured one hand toward the door. This was something for which she needed no audience, especially not him.
He cast a glance toward Cassidy and waited for her assent before leaving. He got a little too close to Ruri for comfort. She refused to move; he had plenty of room to get by. For a second, it seemed like he might push it. Ruri raised her chin, daring him to do something about it, but he passed by without comment instead.
“What’s on your mind?” Cassidy asked. She waved a hand at the overstuffed chair next to her.
Ruri dropped into it and placed the duffel on her lap. “This isn’t working. I need to go.”
“Things have been a little tense, I know. I’m sorry for that. The others don’t seem to trust you.”
“I know. That’s been made abundantly clear.” Ruri chewed on her lower lip, unsure how far to proceed. Finally she shrugged. She might as well get everything out there. “You don’t either.”
“I’ve had you at my back. I know you’re there for me.” Cassidy tilted her head in silent disagreement. “Without you I’d be dead more than once.”
“And yet you haven’t claimed me. Why not?”
“I can’t.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“I’ve tried, but there’s something stopping me.”
“Is it Mary Alice?”
“It might be, I don’t really know. I’m not sure if it might not be your attachment to her that is stopping it. I think if I really pushed it, I probably could, but that doesn’t seem fair to you.” It was Cassidy’s turn to pause. “Besides, one of the reasons some in the pack don’t trust you is because of her. I’m not sure if I ever really knew her, not once she left home. But I know you have my back.”
“It’s complicated. What about MacTavish’s three? Do you really think you can trust them after what they did to you?”
“They’ve been taken care of.” Cassidy’s scent was prickly, warning her not to poke her nose too close. “I’m as sure of them as I am of you.”
“If you say so.” Ruri nodded. She didn’t need the details. If Cassidy was certain, that was good enough for her. Besides that, Luther would be there to keep an eye on them. He was a good Beta and would watch her back, even against those Cassidy trusted, something Ruri had failed to do with Dean. “Things are too complicated to work out right now. I think everything’s too raw yet. I’m going to take off for a bit, give things a chance to settle down here. They don’t need me reminding them what came before. You don’t need that either.”
“I’ll miss having you around, you know.” Cassidy was telling the truth. Ruri could smell the conviction on her, like bedrock warmed in the sun.
“I won’t be far. I’d like to stick around the city, if you’ll allow it.”
“Of course. Are you going to be with her?”
Ruri shrugged. “If she’ll have me.”
Cassidy nodded. “Good, Mary needs you. I never knew how alone she was. I think you’ll be good for her. Let me know if she needs anything. I’m not sure she’ll ask me.”
“I won’t spy on her for you.”
“And I don’t expect you to. Take care of her, that’s all I ask. Keep her safe, keep her sane. And come back to us when you think it’s time.”
“Thanks, Cassidy.” Ruri got up and hovered awkwardly in front of the chair. There were too many things left unsaid, but it didn’t feel like the right time either.
“For crying out loud, Ruri.” Cassidy bounded out of her chair and enveloped her in a huge hug. She held Ruri for a long time, and Ruri reveled in the feeling of closeness to her Alpha. “I mean it, I want you to come back,” she finally whispered in Ruri’s ear before letting her go.
“I will,” Ruri said, wondering as she did if she’d be able to make good on the promise. She picked up the duffel bag from where it had fallen on the floor during the hug and left the room.
Luther leaned against the wall a little way down the hall. It was far enough away that he might not have been able to hear what they’d said. He nodded to her, face giving nothing away, though unease swirled in his scent. It was traced through with what might have been disappointment, but Ruri couldn’t untangle the complicated emotions he exuded. Likely he couldn’t either.
“Luther” was all she said. She walked down the hall and out the front doors.
Chapter Forty-Three
Mary Alice glanced at her phone as it buzzed insistently at her from next to the laptop. Her mom’s face filled the display. At least it wasn’t Uncle Ralph. She didn’t really want to talk to anyone. She hadn’t left the loft since taking out MacTavish. And Stiletto.
Still, there was no getting around it. She’d been avoiding her mom since Cassidy was attacked, speaking to her only as much as was absolutely necessary. They weren’t the kind of family who spoke even weekly, but it had been a long time since they last chatted. If she kept ducking Sophia’s calls, she was liable to have her turn up on the doorstep.
“Hi, Mom.” Maybe the phone would drop the call, then she’d have an excuse to continue being antisocial.
“Hi, sweetie.” Unfortunately her mom’s voice came over the line loud and clear. There would be no avoiding this unless they had a sudden solar flare. Wiping out all electronic devices on earth would be a small price to pay to avoid this talk. “It’s been a while. How’ve you been?”
“Oh you know, same old.” With unconscious ease born of many years of practice, Mary Alice kept her voice light. “What’s going on in your neck of the woods?”
“Pretty good. Work was crazy there for a few weeks. Suddenly we had all sorts of people needing language sessions. I think I clocked more air travel since visiting you and Cass than I have most years. I think I’ve been pretty much everywhere in the US, except Chicago.”
“That’s nuts.” Mary Alice sent a silent thank you to TC. He’d done a good job. It was too bad she’d had to repay him by twisting his arm. She hadn’t heard from him since then, and she hoped she hadn’t burned that bridge. Given the same set of circumstances, she would have made the same choice again, however.
“I know! But the travel bonuses were nice, so I’m not complaining.” She laughed. “Well, not too much. It’s nice to be home again. It sounds like things are settling back down again.”
“Glad to hear it.”
“How’s your sister? I haven’t been able to get hold of her yet.”
“Good, I think.” Mary Alice made a mental note to tell Cassidy to get a new phone and get the number to Sophia. She could offer some pointers in keeping their mother from being the wiser about what was going on if Cassidy would accept them. “She’s been busy with her new thing. You know how she gets when she has a new project.”
“I know it. And I wouldn’t take that long-suffering tone. You’re not that different, sweetie.”
Mary Alice let the conversation pull her away from the dark thoughts that had overtaken her for the past five days. As much as she hadn’t wanted to go through with the call, she was feeling better. Family could do that, it seemed. When it wasn’t being the source of misery, that was. By the end of the call, she was smiling again. It felt like it had been years since she laughed and when she disconnected the call, she felt a lightness that had been missing for weeks. The only other time the heaviness of her life had been lifted off her had been when Ruri was around.
A tap on the metal door caught her attention. She looked over at it, but she heard nothing more so she went back to the laptop. The rundown of that night’s activities was something Uncle Ralph still waited on and not very patiently. He was willing to cut her some slack because of Stiletto’s death, but his tolerance was wearing thin.
Another tap pulled her away from the report. This one was followed by a rattle. Was someone throwing gravel at the door?
Mary Alice got up and left the cage, closing and locking it behind her through force of habit. She stopped to take a look at the security monitors and recognized the figure standing outside immediately. The displays were crap and the cameras even worse, but she thought she would recognize Ruri anywhere.
She stuck her head out the door next to the large garage door in time to see Ruri wind up with a large brick in her hand.
“I’d rather you didn’t dent my door.”
Ruri looked over and blushed. She dropped the brick in the gutter. “I was trying to get your attention.”
“Consider it gotten.” This was beyond awkward. What she wanted to do was wrap her arms around Ruri and bury her face in her hair, but what was coming out was stupidly formal. “You can come in if you want.”
“I’d like that.” Ruri picked up a small duffel bag and walked toward the door.
“You going on a trip?” Mary Alice wasn’t sure what to make of the grimace she got in response to the question. She also didn’t know what to make of the disappointment that sat like an icy ball in the bottom of her stomach at the prospect.
“Maybe not.”
Ruri didn’t seem inclined to elaborate, and they headed toward the elevator in silence. The ride up to the third floor was as awkward as everything else. Mary Alice glanced over at Ruri, drinking in her profile and the way her hair barely brushed her shoulders, a curtain that moved like a living thing with every twitch of her head. When Ruri looked over, Mary Alice pretended to be looking down at the ground. The diamond-plate bottom of the elevator wasn’t nearly as fascinating as she made it out to be. The third time she looked away, Ruri let out a small sigh. She reached past Mary Alice and pressed the stop button. The elevator ground to a halt between the second and third floors.
“What did you do that for?” Mary Alice asked.
“We need to talk and I want to do it somewhere you can’t walk out on me.”
“Where are you going?” The question burst out of Mary Alice before she could stop it. “When will you be back?”
“Why do you want to know?” Ruri studied her seriously. She seemed to be trying to look into Mary Alice.
“Because…” Mary Alice trailed off, suddenly anxious. Why did she care? Why did it feel like there would be a giant hole in her life if this woman she’d only known for two weeks was suddenly gone from it? “I shouldn’t want to.”
“Why not?”
“Because of who you are. Because of who I am.”
“But you still want to, don’t you?”
“God help me, I shouldn’t.”
“But you do.”
Ruri stared at her like she was willing Mary Alice to say the right thing. She didn’t know what the right thing was, and if she did, she probably shouldn’t say it. And yet…“I do.”
Ruri’s smile broke upon her, warming her like the sun coming out from behind the clouds in deepest winter. She turned toward Mary Alice and reached out her hands, taking Mary Alice’s arms right above the elbows. Ruri’s hands were hot on her skin. It was her turn to blush, remembering how good
those hands had felt on another part of her body. What if that’s all they were? Just pheromones and animal lust. Panic chilled her to the bone and stole her breath away. She inhaled deeply, trying to get her breathing back under control.
“I can’t,” Mary Alice said. “I want to, but I can’t. If things were different, then I’d…” She couldn’t finish the thought. Her eyes prickled and she blinked rapidly to keep tears from overflowing down her cheeks. She tried to twist out of Ruri’s grasp.
“Maybe we can pretend things are different.” Ruri ignored her weak struggle and pulled her into a loose embrace. She nestled Mary Alice’s head under her chin and held her, one hand rubbing soothing circles over her back. “And if we pretend long enough, maybe one day we’ll realize we aren’t pretending anymore.”
The hug completely undid Mary Alice’s resolve. The sense of belonging was suddenly so strong she felt it like a physical sensation wrapped around her. Home wasn’t a place, or at least not one made of brick and mortar. Home was in this woman’s arms. She leaned back and allowed her eyes to roam over Ruri’s face, blurry though it was through the tears that fell without constraint from her eyes. Golden eyes stared back at her, achingly open, urging her to say yes.
“God, yes.” She leaned in and covered Ruri’s lips with her own, drinking her in, memorizing how she tasted. She never wanted this to end, though chances were good it would. If there was even the tiniest slice of a possibility that they could make it work, she had to try.
“Then I guess the only place I’m going is here,” Ruri said when they came up for air. “We’ll pretend for as long as we need to.”
“Forever would be long enough.”
Ruri laughed and released the elevator before taking her mouth again. The elevator shuddered and ground to a start, taking them up.
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